Need renewed faith and hope

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Summer1111

Guest
#1
#1
I'm looking for some words of encouragement. I have been with my husband for 11 years. The last 3 years have been hard. He has struggled with depression for years. He was officially diagnosed last year. His moods change drastically. Just four weeks ago he said we were in a good place and wanted to try for another child. We ended up getting into a argument and everything changed from there. He now wants a divorce. He says he wants it to work but doesn't think it can. He is ready to file. I am not ready to give up on my family but I have conflicting emotions. When he is like this he gets mean and says hurtful things. I'm not sure if it's the depression or how he really feels. I am looking for encouragement not to give up. I love him so much and don't want to lose him I just don't know how much more I can do.
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#2
Mar 13, 2014
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#2
From your post is appears that your husband is not currently working due to his depression. Unfortunately, avoiding going to work to provide for one's family will only increase anxiety leading to a further deepening depression. I would say that his self-esteem is shot and he does not like the person that he is. There are a lot of members on this site who are in similar situations. Hopefully, you will find comfort, support and understanding from the members of this site. From what little I have gathered I would say that your husband probably does not really want a divorce but rather wants to be a good husband but he thinks he's in a place in his mind that makes that impossible. I'm no stranger to depression either. I have said a prayer for you and your husband. Glad to have you as part of our family. Welcome to CC.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#3
Feb 21, 2014
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#3
Given the difficulty of the situation, it would be a colossal mistake to bring another child into this messed up world, and into an unstable relationship.. Does he go to counseling? Or would he be open to going? He needs professional treatment and you both need counseling.. Giving him over to God and praying for him is all you can do.. along with using protection when you have sex also. Don't bring another kid into this mess.
 
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Summer1111

Guest
#4
#4
Thank you, he does sill work, he just hates he job. I'm trying to hold on to the person he was. He says he doesn't want to answer to anyone and not be married but then he says he wants us to work. I fixate on this and it doesn't make it any easier
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#5
Mar 13, 2014
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#5
Summer1111 said:
Thank you, he does sill work, he just hates he job. I'm trying to hold on to the person he was. He says he doesn't want to answer to anyone and not be married but then he says he wants us to work. I fixate on this and it doesn't make it any easier
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At least he's still currently working. He might be just getting overwhelmed by the responsibilities of being a good husband.
 
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Summer1111

Guest
#6
#6
Thanks, I definitely am not thinking about another baby. I was just trying to convey how his thoughts alter. I'm trying to hold on to my this and make it better.
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#7
Mar 13, 2014
41,302
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#7
Summer1111 said:
Thanks, I definitely am not thinking about another baby. I was just trying to convey how his thoughts alter. I'm trying to hold on to my this and make it better.
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Considering the present circumstances that's a wise decision.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#8
Feb 21, 2014
70,869
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#8
He sounds like he might be a bit bi-polar as well, since his thought pattern goes from one end to another...Is he on any meds for his depression?

Summer1111 said:
Thanks, I definitely am not thinking about another baby. I was just trying to convey how his thoughts alter. I'm trying to hold on to my this and make it better.
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Summer1111

Guest
#9
#9
Yes he is on something for the depression. I've tried to tell him that I think he may need to get an adjustment but he disagrees and tells me it's us. I tell him I love him and he just replies I love you too, but it's not enough. He is my best friend and I don't want to lose him, and don't want to raise my son in a split home. It kills me to think of not being there every minute is my child's life.
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#10
Mar 13, 2014
41,302
16,296
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#10
Summer1111 said:
Yes he is on something for the depression. I've tried to tell him that I think he may need to get an adjustment but he disagrees and tells me it's us. I tell him I love him and he just replies I love you too, but it's not enough. He is my best friend and I don't want to lose him, and don't want to raise my son in a split home. It kills me to think of not being there every minute is my child's life.
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Do you and your husband pray together often? If not, I highly recommend this and read from the bible also. If your marriage becomes God centered you will probably stay together as a family. My wife is my best friend too.
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#11
Feb 21, 2014
70,869
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#11
Does he have PTSD of any sort? Maybe from being in the military, bad childhood, past relationships, etc? That could be a contributing factor to his depression..
 
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Summer1111

Guest
#12
#12
Unfortunately he does not have a faith. I pray everyday and thank God for him but I'm losing hope. I need things to get better. For my marriage to be saved and for us to be back on track. God saved us from divorce once already this year. He filed in January and by February he tore the papers up. Now it has returned. I pray for consistency but I'm beginning to feel like I'm destined to divorce
 
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Summer1111

Guest
#13
#13
Not that I can think of. Depression runs in his family. Most of them are depressed. I just want us to be happy
 
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Jessie_1

Guest
#14
#14
Summer1111 said:
Thank you, he does sill work, he just hates he job. I'm trying to hold on to the person he was. He says he doesn't want to answer to anyone and not be married but then he says he wants us to work. I fixate on this and it doesn't make it any easier
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Hi Summer and welcome to CC~ So sorry to hear about your marital issues... I noticed you said you're trying to "hold on to the person he was"... Can I just offer this bit of reality many of us tend to forget? People change. Life is in perpetual motion and the changes are inevitable. That's not a bad thing, it's actually very good because it forces us to grow in every area of our life. Those who fight it end up living miserable lives wanting the familiarity lack of change offers.

So many things could be going on in your husband's life that he hasn't shared with you. Men want to exude strength and the "I can handle this myself" because of the way they are "wired up". Admitting any weakness is like a kick in the ... ummm... "man parts" to them. (Been married 38 years... so I've seen a bit of those times). He may be wanting another baby because he thinks it may change whatever is going on inside of his own mind and heart. DONT DO IT! Until he addresses the "real" problem, he's going to be like a ping pong ball emotionally and mentally and there is NOTHING you can do to help that.

People only change when they OWN the fact they need to. Until then, they will try to run from it as they deny the problem. Quit "fixating" on who he "use" to be and hand him over to God. It's amazing what God can do once you release the desperate grip of the reins of control over to Him. ~~~ Praying for you both.
 
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Summer1111

Guest
#15
#15
Jessie_1 said:
Hi Summer and welcome to CC~ So sorry to hear about your marital issues... I noticed you said you're trying to "hold on to the person he was"... Can I just offer this bit of reality many of us tend to forget? People change. Life is in perpetual motion and the changes are inevitable. That's not a bad thing, it's actually very good because it forces us to grow in every area of our life. Those who fight it end up living miserable lives wanting the familiarity lack of change offers.

So many things could be going on in your husband's life that he hasn't shared with you. Men want to exude strength and the "I can handle this myself" because of the way they are "wired up". Admitting any weakness is like a kick in the ... ummm... "man parts" to them. (Been married 38 years... so I've seen a bit of those times). He may be wanting another baby because he thinks it may change whatever is going on inside of his own mind and heart. DONT DO IT! Until he addresses the "real" problem, he's going to be like a ping pong ball emotionally and mentally and there is NOTHING you can do to help that.

People only change when they OWN the fact they need to. Until then, they will try to run from it as they deny the problem. Quit "fixating" on who he "use" to be and hand him over to God. It's amazing what God can do once you release the desperate grip of the reins of control over to Him. ~~~ Praying for you both.
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Thank you, I man struggling personally with letting go. I try to plead with him to stay. I just having a hard time with this. Hopefully things work out.
 
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oldethennew

Banned
#16
Feb 28, 2016
11,311
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#16
we both learned the hard-way, that Jesus Christ and His ways for us, should always
be our FIRST PRIORITY' in our daily living, but unfortunately, most of us are never
really taught this loving-precious-life-lesson', we need examples', as we are growing-up,
and most of us just never really, truly have them or experience them...
pray, read, obey, and wait on Christ to guide you...
 
resurrection33

resurrection33

Banned
#17
Dec 19, 2009
27,513
128
0
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#17
Summer1111 said:
I'm looking for some words of encouragement. I have been with my husband for 11 years. The last 3 years have been hard. He has struggled with depression for years. He was officially diagnosed last year. His moods change drastically. Just four weeks ago he said we were in a good place and wanted to try for another child. We ended up getting into a argument and everything changed from there. He now wants a divorce. He says he wants it to work but doesn't think it can. He is ready to file. I am not ready to give up on my family but I have conflicting emotions. When he is like this he gets mean and says hurtful things. I'm not sure if it's the depression or how he really feels. I am looking for encouragement not to give up. I love him so much and don't want to lose him I just don't know how much more I can do.
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I don’t know if this is what you were looking for, but you might remind your husband of this:

“And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for unchastity, and marries another, commits adultery." Matt 19:9 RSV
 
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Depleted

Guest
#18
#18
Summer1111 said:
Yes he is on something for the depression. I've tried to tell him that I think he may need to get an adjustment but he disagrees and tells me it's us. I tell him I love him and he just replies I love you too, but it's not enough. He is my best friend and I don't want to lose him, and don't want to raise my son in a split home. It kills me to think of not being there every minute is my child's life.
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Two things I'm thinking:
1. He loves you, (but doesn't think it will work out.) You love him, (but are afraid it won't work out.) Why not ask the obvious? "If you love me and I love you, then why won't it work out?" At least it has the chance of getting both of you off the it-might-not-work-out merry-go-round you're both on.

2. Yeah, I'm with you. It really does seem like the last person husbands listen to when it goes to health needs is the wife. No idea why. But, may I assume he still has to see a doctor occasionally, or the meds aren't going to be re-prescribed? One of the things hubby and I have been doing is going together when he has important doctor appointments. (The appointments where he has more problems or questions, or, he's just afraid the doctor might give him bad news.) We go together because four ears/two brains work better than one. (I hear stuff, he doesn't hear, and vice versa.) Can you talk him into going with him the next time? And, if you can, then how about you telling the doctor this new symptom? Because depressed is depressed, and going from these highs to these lows means either the meds aren't working right, or that's not depression. It may be hard to believe, (particularly to husbands lol), but sometimes doctors first diagnoses aren't right. And, even if they are right, the first guess on which drugs will help is a bad guess for that patient. There is a reason there are so many different meds for depression. Because there isn't a one-size-fits-all.
 
S

Summer1111

Guest
#19
#19
Depleted said:
Two things I'm thinking:
1. He loves you, (but doesn't think it will work out.) You love him, (but are afraid it won't work out.) Why not ask the obvious? "If you love me and I love you, then why won't it work out?" At least it has the chance of getting both of you off the it-might-not-work-out merry-go-round you're both on.

2. Yeah, I'm with you. It really does seem like the last person husbands listen to when it goes to health needs is the wife. No idea why. But, may I assume he still has to see a doctor occasionally, or the meds aren't going to be re-prescribed? One of the things hubby and I have been doing is going together when he has important doctor appointments. (The appointments where he has more problems or questions, or, he's just afraid the doctor might give him bad news.) We go together because four ears/two brains work better than one. (I hear stuff, he doesn't hear, and vice versa.) Can you talk him into going with him the next time? And, if you can, then how about you telling the doctor this new symptom? Because depressed is depressed, and going from these highs to these lows means either the meds aren't working right, or that's not depression. It may be hard to believe, (particularly to husbands lol), but sometimes doctors first diagnoses aren't right. And, even if they are right, the first guess on which drugs will help is a bad guess for that patient. There is a reason there are so many different meds for depression. Because there isn't a one-size-fits-all.
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Thank you, I have asked him this question: his response is simple and frustrating. "It's just not going to work". When I ask why, he says "I just don't think it is".

I would love to go to his doctors appointments with him and have offered by right now he is so adamant that the only thing that is causing him so much discomfort is me.
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#20
Mar 13, 2014
41,302
16,296
113
69
Tennessee
#20
Summer1111 said:
Unfortunately he does not have a faith. I pray everyday and thank God for him but I'm losing hope. I need things to get better. For my marriage to be saved and for us to be back on track. God saved us from divorce once already this year. He filed in January and by February he tore the papers up. Now it has returned. I pray for consistency but I'm beginning to feel like I'm destined to divorce
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I went through a divorce many years ago and found it to be a traumatic experience. I feel bad for you.
 
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