Hurting and need to make sense of it

[luvingnana]

When I was 16 I lost my brother he was 20, then when I was 30 I lost another brother he was 25 , next 2 years I lost my husband of 10 years and 2 years after that I lost my only sister and 5 years ago I lost my oldest brother. I still have my parents but no more siblings and I have a 30 year old son and 26 year old daughter. my daughter her four kids (my grandkids) and my grandkids dad live with me. Although my daughter and the father of her kids are not together anymore, I still allowed him to lived with us because he had no otjer family here and his kids where very close to him , the boy twins are 10, my granddaughter is 9 and youngest grandson is 8, he was very good with them up until about a little over a year ago when he started seeing a girl at his work, noe she's pregnant and due next month, I always had high hopes he would fix his family with my daughter but seems now that can never happen. He tells me yesterday that he is going to be moving out when the girl has the baby (which is a girl) I told him he is going to hurt his kids that have known him all their lives, threeife they know bow will be destroyed because of his choices, he just says that they will adjust and that he can not leave his newborn baby daughter without a father. But yet isn't that what hes doing to his 9 year old daughter that's use to him being here at home, she's a daddy's girl and he doesnt seem to care that he's leaving her for a new daughter, or his sons. By the way he also has another 9 year old daughter he had when him and my daughter where together and a 8 year old son he had after that one. which is one of the reasons him and my daughter are not together. so this new girl is the 4th baby mama. knowing how he is and what he's going to do to my grandkids hurts me a lot, I feel so sad, I keep crying because he's goon g to leave and my grandkids will be hurt and think that they didn't mean enough to him, and my granddaughter especially is going to hurt because he's leaving her because he's getting a new baby girl. am I being dumb to feel hurt? do you think I feel hurt because I've already lost so many people that I don't want to lose more? or is it because I know what it feels like to lose someone, that i dont want my grandkids to feel hurt like that? i havent even told my daughter because i know shell be hurt but will hide it and won't admit it. I can't make sense or process what I'm feeling. I use to pray that he'd leave that girl because she's bout a good person and shed would take his time away from the kids but now with her pregnant I know she's going nowhere. what I don't understand is that he's neglected his other 2 kids from 2 previous affairs but they never knew him and now is going to abandon these 4 kids he's known all their life and give all his time and effort and love to this new baby, how does God allow someone to do that( hurt all these kids but yet keep having more)?

 

[PrynceNY]

Welcome luvingnana, sorry for the lost of your loved ones i pray the lord comforts you and your family. Everyone has free will and will be held accountable for what they did during their lifetime. God is merciful and will give him every opportunity to change his ways. God will not force anyone to do what he desires from them. Pray for him because based on what you stated he needs to repent and turn to the lord. God sees everything although it may seem he allows things to happen it all will come under judgement.

 

[luvingnana]

Welcome luvingnana, sorry for the lost of your loved ones i pray the lord comforts you and your family. Everyone has free will and will be held accountable for what they did during their lifetime. God is merciful and will give him every opportunity to change his ways. God will not force anyone to do what he desires from them. Pray for him because based on what you stated he needs to repent and turn to the lord. God sees everything although it may seem he allows things to happen it all will come under judgement.

Thank you but he does not believe in God, well at least he didn't till he met that girl now he believes God placed her in his path. But I still do not feel he should abandon his kids he's always lived with. Seems he's following what his own father did to him and his siblings as a child and is actually still doing to relationships he has now. I don't know what I can do to help this situation

 

[Nehemiah6]

When I was 16 I lost my brother he was 20, then when I was 30 I lost another brother he was 25 , next 2 years I lost my husband of 10 years and 2 years after that I lost my only sister and 5 years ago I lost my oldest brother. I still have my parents but no more siblings and I have a 30 year old son and 26 year old daughter.

Sorry to hear about your many losses.

my daughter her four kids (my grandkids) and my grandkids dad live with me. Although my daughter and the father of her kids are not together anymore, I still allowed him to lived with us because he had no other family here and his kids where very close to him , the boy twins are 10, my granddaughter is 9 and youngest grandson is 8,

That was a big mistake in hindsight.

he was very good with them up until about a little over a year ago when he started seeing a girl at his work, now she's pregnant and due next month, I always had high hopes he would fix his family with my daughter but seems now that can never happen.

Did you try to help him determine his spiritual condition and his relationship to Christ during this time?

He tells me yesterday that he is going to be moving out when the girl has the baby (which is a girl) I told him he is going to hurt his kids that have known him all their lives, threeife they know bow will be destroyed because of his choices, he just says that they will adjust and that he can not leave his newborn baby daughter without a father. But yet isn't that what hes doing to his 9 year old daughter that's use to him being here at home, she's a daddy's girl and he doesnt seem to care that he's leaving her for a new daughter, or his sons.

The man thinks only of himself. Unless he is converted he will remain self-centered

By the way he also has another 9 year old daughter he had when him and my daughter where together and a 8 year old son he had after that one. which is one of the reasons him and my daughter are not together.

Well there’s your big red flag which you ignored.

so this new girl is the 4th baby mama. knowing how he is and what he's going to do to my grandkids hurts me a lot, I feel so sad, I keep crying because he's goon g to leave and my grandkids will be hurt and think that they didn't mean enough to him, and my granddaughter especially is going to hurt because he's leaving her because he's getting a new baby girl.

Yes, this is tragic, but he will pay for his sins against these children.

am I being dumb to feel hurt? do you think I feel hurt because I've already lost so many people that I don't want to lose more? or is it because I know what it feels like to lose someone, that i dont want my grandkids to feel hurt like that?

Feeling hurt is quite natural, but you probably had some previous opportunities to put this man on the right track through spiritual counsel and you failed to do that. He has a spiritual problem and only Christ is the answer.

i havent even told my daughter because i know shell be hurt but will hide it and won't admit it. I can't make sense or process what I'm feeling. I use to pray that he'd leave that girl because she's bout a good person and shed would take his time away from the kids but now with her pregnant I know she's going nowhere.

Your are having to deal with a very uncaring person and there are many such people. Some are even monsters.

what I don't understand is that he's neglected his other 2 kids from 2 previous affairs but they never knew him and now is going to abandon these 4 kids he's known all their life and give all his time and effort and love to this new baby, how does God allow someone to do that( hurt all these kids but yet keep having more)?

God allows sinners to do their evil deeds, but they do not escape judgment or punishment. At the same time, you should probably talk to a good lawyer, and see if you and your daughter should bring charges against him for negligence and other crimes which the lawyer can determine once you put the case before him. This man does not have a right to go around being an irresponsible person and leaving serious issues for others to deal with.

 

[stillness]

Hi Loving sister,
Why your hurting? To love we have to be vulnerable to be hurt. You don't need so many questions as to why, but to lift your head to God and leave your cares with Him, and trust Him. I was in a foster Home at 6, from broken marriage, I me the lord when I was 22, the first time He spoke to me, He has been the Father I never had as close as I need and ask and desire of Him. There is a waiting time as well, just like going through grief. One thing you should know already in part, is that He turns our sorrow into Joy, as we are not offended but turn to Him for help, godly sorrow leads us to return to him and works for Good. You can set an example for your family, you are already by not being offended and asking for help. The Lord bless you, Peace on your house. Your brother Ray

 

[savedtoast]

When I was 16 I lost my brother he was 20, then when I was 30 I lost another brother he was 25 , next 2 years I lost my husband of 10 years and 2 years after that I lost my only sister and 5 years ago I lost my oldest brother. I still have my parents but no more siblings and I have a 30 year old son and 26 year old daughter. my daughter her four kids (my grandkids) and my grandkids dad live with me. Although my daughter and the father of her kids are not together anymore, I still allowed him to lived with us because he had no otjer family here and his kids where very close to him , the boy twins are 10, my granddaughter is 9 and youngest grandson is 8, he was very good with them up until about a little over a year ago when he started seeing a girl at his work, noe she's pregnant and due next month, I always had high hopes he would fix his family with my daughter but seems now that can never happen. He tells me yesterday that he is going to be moving out when the girl has the baby (which is a girl) I told him he is going to hurt his kids that have known him all their lives, threeife they know bow will be destroyed because of his choices, he just says that they will adjust and that he can not leave his newborn baby daughter without a father. But yet isn't that what hes doing to his 9 year old daughter that's use to him being here at home, she's a daddy's girl and he doesnt seem to care that he's leaving her for a new daughter, or his sons. By the way he also has another 9 year old daughter he had when him and my daughter where together and a 8 year old son he had after that one. which is one of the reasons him and my daughter are not together. so this new girl is the 4th baby mama. knowing how he is and what he's going to do to my grandkids hurts me a lot, I feel so sad, I keep crying because he's goon g to leave and my grandkids will be hurt and think that they didn't mean enough to him, and my granddaughter especially is going to hurt because he's leaving her because he's getting a new baby girl. am I being dumb to feel hurt? do you think I feel hurt because I've already lost so many people that I don't want to lose more? or is it because I know what it feels like to lose someone, that i dont want my grandkids to feel hurt like that? i havent even told my daughter because i know shell be hurt but will hide it and won't admit it. I can't make sense or process what I'm feeling. I use to pray that he'd leave that girl because she's bout a good person and shed would take his time away from the kids but now with her pregnant I know she's going nowhere. what I don't understand is that he's neglected his other 2 kids from 2 previous affairs but they never knew him and now is going to abandon these 4 kids he's known all their life and give all his time and effort and love to this new baby, how does God allow someone to do that( hurt all these kids but yet keep having more)?

Oh deary me...how sad, I'm not going to cry, I'm not going to cry

Waahhh!

 

[LoriCroit]

I am so very sorry you have had so many losses in such a short time with family members that were so young. I understand what having a small family is. I am an only child, my father was and I have one son. It's natural to want to hold close to the ones you have around you.

I think it's natural that you are crying for your grand-children. You feel their hurt and loss. However, you cannot "make" people do what you want them to. You can talk to them and give them reasons and support to help them understand better what they are doing. As with your SIL, you are trying to help him understand what he would be doing to his children when he leaves and picks up with his new wife and daughter. But if he doesn't see it by now what he has done so many times by being with other women when he was married, and making other babies outside of his marriage, he probably isn't going to change or hear what you are saying. These people are adults and there is little control that we have over others.

Just pray that your grand-children adjust and can still have a loving relationship with their father and that he continues to be around them.

As to your question about "how does God allow someone to do that?" I believe that God allows us to have free choice and make our own decisions. It's not what God always wants for us, but He allows us to make our own path. If we are walking with God and have a relationship with Him, we can make better choices, usually. If we are not in relationship with God, then we usually don't make good choices.

I hope this helps a little. I will be praying for you and your family.

 

[stillness]

luvingnana, you need to be assured that it's not your place to save this man and that you couldn't, help. Once when I tried to help a man see, who believed in the Holy spirit but did not believe that Jesus is God. After a heated fruitless argument, the Lord told me "I don't need your help." Many of us have a hard time facing; we need God's help and not the other way round. We are to proclaim the freedom we have, not to rescue others and enable them to be comforted in their misery and feel worse knowing we haven't helped anything. But don't feel bad anymore, I've done this, we are slow learners, value the time you have to walk in the Spirit and learn of Him to see differently. You have a passion for children it's a gift of God that will bear fruit, you don't need to be concerned, your in a good place and it's better this way, I know but don't ask me why and don't take my word for it and ask the Lord for a confirmation. Your Loved.

 

[luvingnana]

Sorry to hear about your many losses.


That was a big mistake in hindsight.


Did you try to help him determine his spiritual condition and his relationship to Christ during this time?


The man thinks only of himself. Unless he is converted he will remain self-centered


Well there’s your big red flag which you ignored.


Yes, this is tragic, but he will pay for his sins against these children.


Feeling hurt is quite natural, but you probably had some previous opportunities to put this man on the right track through spiritual counsel and you failed to do that. He has a spiritual problem and only Christ is the answer.


Your are having to deal with a very uncaring person and there are many such people. Some are even monsters.


God allows sinners to do their evil deeds, but they do not escape judgment or punishment. At the same time, you should probably talk to a good lawyer, and see if you and your daughter should bring charges against him for negligence and other crimes which the lawyer can determine once you put the case before him. This man does not have a right to go around being an irresponsible person and leaving serious issues for others to deal with.

Yes your right, I should have put a stop to everything way back then. I did tell him many times that he needed a relationship with God, but he does bout believe in that, at the time he didn't, now yes he feels God blessed him with this new girl and new baby
, however never seen his other kids as blessings, he seen them as burdens because he was always broke. There where many red flags that yes I ignored HOPING it would get better, I guess I'm just too nice and I shouldn't have been. Once I seen my daughter no longer wanted him around, I should have had him leave. I can't change the past and I dont regret my my grandchildren, I just wish I had made better choices.

 

[oldethennew]

how can one make the 'right choices', if they NEVER had someone to teach/show them???

 

[Dan58]

I should have had him leave. I can't change the past and I dont regret my my grandchildren, I just wish I had made better choices.

Live and learn .. Your daughter hooked-up with a philanderer, you should have never let him live with you, that just enabled his wolfing around. I hope your daughter is at least collecting child support every month?

 

[Pattydear]

Hello Luvingnanna...I too am sorry for the many losses you have had to suffer in your life time. I just finished reading Job..and sometimes what we suffer, makes no sense. A lot of what we suffer "including your daughter and grandchildren", is because of someone elses bad choices. If he has had time to fall in love (whatever that truly means to him) and get another woman pregnant, him being there really didn't make any difference to him. I too have lost many family members and there were not that many of us to begin with. That's when I am so thankful for our "Adoptive family" that the Lord has blessed us with..close friends that feel like family.I find he has blessed me with many times.

 

[JamesD]

I think you should kick this awful man out. Have your daughter collect child support and love those babies as much as possible. Unfortunately they'll know what their dad is. You can't force this guy to change. Be there for your daughter and those babies. God bless you and your family. Also, I'm sorry that you lost all your siblings. That's terrible. Maybe God blessed you with these grand babies to ease your pain and loneliness a little. You'll see your family again someday, but life is too short to waste time on awful men like this. Kick him out. Blessings to you sister!

 

[clearsky]

[FONT=&quot]I'm so sorry for your loss, I agree with Ray that God is the perfect Father that everyone needs. This is so much for you to carry and you need loving arms too! You've suffered great loss in your lifetime and no doubt this has softened your heart in ways that have made you compassionate and caring. Here is an article about letting God heal broken hearts, referencing help for the little ones and yourself! Blessings, I have prayed for you. [/FONT]Letting God Heal Broken Hearts | Focus on the Family

 

[Zi]

Unfortunately sinners sin. They aren't able to do right.. God would be unjust to punish this man and not us when we were unsaved.. He uses kindness in hopes to draw people to repent.. Many time people fear for others when they foresee a loss and get overwhelmed because they assume it will be unbearable for them as maybe something was for them.. perhaps it will be but in this world, that's something we can't avoid.. To blame is wasting time. Truth is your daughter chose this man and obviously didn't seek God about it so why is she not wrong as well? I'm a mother who chose my son's father with no prior seeking, what comes of that is a consequence of my actions as well as whatever the father does

Balance is what I see lacking in this op.. not to be tough, God knows I'm saying what I've learned..

I hope you find comfort and direction.

This is why God has boundaries we should follow, heartaches would be much less frequent if we did.. We all learn.. I still make mistakes but learning is what matters....