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Christian Family Forum

Discuss family topics/issues, and give and receive encouragement here.

Thread: My husband is insensitive.

  1. #1
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    Default My husband is insensitive.

    I have ptsd. I was molested as a child by my father and abused at a young age he went to jail for 3 years and plead guilty... I'm turning 20 now. This year my father tried to contact me and I said I forgive you Because that's the Christian thing to do. But wanted nothing to do w him... my father shot himself in march.. I often feel responsible My husband doesn't understand my ptsd. And doesn't understand taking medications for it that my doctors are trying to prescribe me. We even argued about it. He's super insensitive when talking and I often feel frustrated.... help... any advice?
    laura_charlotte and ROSSELLA like this.

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    Senior Member OneFaith's Avatar
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    Default Re: My husband is insensitive.

    Quote Originally Posted by TammaraAce View Post
    I have ptsd. I was molested as a child by my father and abused at a young age he went to jail for 3 years and plead guilty... I'm turning 20 now. This year my father tried to contact me and I said I forgive you Because that's the Christian thing to do. But wanted nothing to do w him... my father shot himself in march.. I often feel responsible My husband doesn't understand my ptsd. And doesn't understand taking medications for it that my doctors are trying to prescribe me. We even argued about it. He's super insensitive when talking and I often feel frustrated.... help... any advice?
    I am so sorry you went through that. (((Hugs))) You are not responsible for your dad shooting himself, not in the slightest. You did an amazing thing by forgiving- which showed him godliness. Yet he was stubborn against it, and entertained the evil thought of shooting himself, before he put it into action. Just like when he chose evil when you were a child. You are not responsible for him choosing evil then or now- you must know that, because it is truth. You've been lied to and manipulated by him your whole life. His evil intent is to keep you feeling guilty about things that you are not guilty of. The guilt is his! You must hold on to this truth like you hold on to God! Do not own his sins, because they are not yours.

    I'm so sorry you have an insensitive husband. I'm sure as a child you thought about having a husband someday who would love you like you deserve, and he has failed. But there is one person who will never fail you- take it to the Lord in prayer. "And He shall be called wonderful counselor, mighty God, prince of peace. And you can come to Christians, like you are now.

    The reason you have post trauma is because at least part of it is unresolved. You don't have closure because you are lacking comfort, are still hanging on to "I often feel responsible...", and lack replacement of a person who should have loved you but didn't- which your husband should have filled the love that you lacked. All these reasons are why you're not healed. You have to obtain these from other sources than you've been trying to.

    Comfort- In the Old Testament they had the physical Sabbath day rest. In the New Testament we have spiritual Sabbath rest- it is called "The peace that surpasses understanding." Why did Paul sing in prison? He was comforted in knowing that this is temporary, and he will spend eternity in heaven. Here's what you do. Get comfortable physically- whether it's a hammock swing or something, then tighten all your muscles, then relax all your muscles completely, and feel the stress leave. Clear your mind, and think about God- who He is, and what it will be like living in heaven with Him. Never again will we suffer in any way.

    Disowning others sins and guilt trips- No matter what your earthly father said, your Heavenly Father says "The child is not guilty for the sins of the parent, and the parent is not guilty for the sins of the child." Accept God's truth to the core of your being, and no longer accept an abuser's lies and manipulation. From one Christian to another, I want you to never say those words again "I feel responsible." When mentioning that he abused you, or that he shot himself. Imagine taking scissors, and cutting the string that is attached from your father's guilt to yours.

    Be loved- God loves you- and you never have to question that. Your fellow Christians love you. This life only lasts about a hundred years or so. Most of eternity for a Christian will be spent with God and His people- they're your true family. So don't waste time thinking about worldly people. Colossians three says "Think on things that are above- where Jesus sits at the right hand of God." "Whatever is true, good, praiseworthy in any way- think on such things." And don't wait for evil people to act heavenly- go straight to heavenly people, and surround yourself with them.

    Peace.
    Last edited by OneFaith; August 2nd, 2017 at 01:31 AM.

  3. #3
    Senior Member Angela53510's Avatar
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    Default Re: My husband is insensitive.

    I don't know if your husband is insensitive, or lacking empathy and compassion. Part of the reason, is that it is very hard to understand how someone is feeling if you have never been through it. Further, if you really have not gone through many problems, physical or emotional pain, you have no reference point to compare it to.

    Guys are different from women, too! I think there are very sympathetic men, but a lot of men were raised to suck up pain and shake it off. So, communicating feelings, and understanding is not their forte.

    He is your husband, and you need to accept him the way he is. You simply can't demand compassion from someone who hasn't got it to give. So yes, give it to God! In the end, the only relation that lasts is our relationship with Jesus. Of course, the goal would be to find some ways to help him understand you.

    You've through an exceptionally hard year. I agree, you are in no way responsible for your father. He molested you, paid the price. If he was depressed, it is not on you. He was the cause of your pain and problems, it was never on you to help a pedophile, one way or another. Suicide is a terrible tragedy, but no one can hold you responsible. Don't let him strike back from the grave at you. He is holding you hostage right now, when it is not your fault!

    Finally, have you been reading your Bible and praying throughout all this trauma? I used to have PTSD, but God has really healed me, through his Word. I pray you will draw closer to God, who has promised he will never leave or forsake you., (Hebrews 13:5)
    "And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me." 2 Cor. 12:9 NASB

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    Default Re: My husband is insensitive.

    Quote Originally Posted by TammaraAce View Post
    I have ptsd. I was molested as a child by my father and abused at a young age he went to jail for 3 years and plead guilty... I'm turning 20 now. This year my father tried to contact me and I said I forgive you Because that's the Christian thing to do. But wanted nothing to do w him... my father shot himself in march.. I often feel responsible My husband doesn't understand my ptsd. And doesn't understand taking medications for it that my doctors are trying to prescribe me. We even argued about it. He's super insensitive when talking and I often feel frustrated.... help... any advice?
    I question a doctor who would prescribe medication for your problem. I think counseling is the answer. No, I am not a doctor.

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    Default Re: My husband is insensitive.

    I remember, vivid memory, when my first husband was murdered some guy in a group therapy told me to just get over it. I responded it happened two months ago, he responded oh… there was a point in time I came to realize I was holding onto the memory of Alexi because it gave me an excuse for my behavior. The what “ifs” this never… are an evil.

    Now there is life… the only way to have it more abundantly is our relationship with Y-shua. He said He came to give us life and life more abundantly. This is the true, time does not heal all wounds only G-d does. Your issues with your husband are neither here nor there… find another husband you will have the same problems without the Lord healing you. Do you remember when David told Saul he fought the lion and the bare and he will fight Goliath. I’m quite sure he had scars to back it up, who can fight a lion and bare without a claw mark. We have claw marks from life but G-d gives us the ability to win the fight. You have fought the lion and the bare, these wounds only prove G-d is with you and you will, by Him, defeat your Goliath, and ptsd will be your victory story if you run to Him and let Him heal you.
    oldethennew and MorningFlower like this.

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    Default Re: My husband is insensitive.

    Start over: go to God every morning for a new life, carried by the Holy spirit for ever: born of God, forget your old Life.
    "His mercies are new every morning." I did not say it`s easy, but God does: It's easy once we enter into rest with Him, a long journey and "Few there be that find it." If your life was easy you would not look for His help: you would not consider that you need His help. When you understand this you will be thankful. I'm still not saying it's easy and it's written "Endure hardship as good soldiers." I struggle with depression as well, still on the journey.
    Journey to enter into rest in God,
    A work in progress you can read here in Poems and poetry.

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    Default Re: My husband is insensitive.

    Quote Originally Posted by TammaraAce View Post
    I have ptsd. I was molested as a child by my father and abused at a young age he went to jail for 3 years and plead guilty... I'm turning 20 now. This year my father tried to contact me and I said I forgive you Because that's the Christian thing to do. But wanted nothing to do w him... my father shot himself in march.. I often feel responsible My husband doesn't understand my ptsd. And doesn't understand taking medications for it that my doctors are trying to prescribe me. We even argued about it. He's super insensitive when talking and I often feel frustrated.... help... any advice?
    ***find people that are close to God and hide under the Shadow of His Wings***God has the answer and He loves you...
    mcubed likes this.

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    Default Re: My husband is insensitive.

    Quote Originally Posted by TammaraAce View Post
    He's super insensitive when talking and I often feel frustrated.... help... any advice?
    As already indicated above, you need to understand that men are constituted differently than women, and you simply cannot expect the same thing from men as from women. Women like to talk about their emotions to other women, but men will rarely do so. Women also generally respond to things emotionally rather than rationally. However, men may show their sensitivity through actions rather than words. The bottom line is: Do you genuinely love your husband and does he genuinely love you? If that is settled everything else will fall into place.

    BTW many people today like to apply the term PTSD to their experiences, but this term is really for people who have gone through combat and suffered trauma because of it. For Christians, regardless of what trauma they experience, God can provide sufficient grace and strength in every situation. The Christian martyrs could have allowed themselves to be traumatized, but instead they rejoiced in their martyrdom.
    oldethennew likes this.

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    Default Re: My husband is insensitive.

    Quote Originally Posted by TammaraAce View Post
    I have ptsd. I was molested as a child by my father and abused at a young age he went to jail for 3 years and plead guilty... I'm turning 20 now. This year my father tried to contact me and I said I forgive you Because that's the Christian thing to do. But wanted nothing to do w him... my father shot himself in march.. I often feel responsible My husband doesn't understand my ptsd. And doesn't understand taking medications for it that my doctors are trying to prescribe me. We even argued about it. He's super insensitive when talking and I often feel frustrated.... help... any advice?
    I'm so sorry you've gone through this. It isn't your fault. You did an amazing thing in forgiving your father, but he was a horrible man. His suicide, like his abuse of you, is entirely on him.

    As for your husband. It's hard to know what to say without knowing what he's doing or saying. The idea that men are just different from women and you can't expect the same kind of compassion is ridiculous. Yes men are different, but that doesn't make it excusable for them to not try to provide comfort or understand you and it's not your responsibility to teach him empathy. Nor do you have to "accept him the way he is." If he's being a jerk that's his problem and he needs to change.

    However, I think the root of it might be that, as you say, he doesn't understand. He'll probably never be able to understand, but that doesn't mean he can't try. If your husband truly loves you then he should want to help you...heal is the best word I can think of, but that doesn't fully encompass it. I was psychologically abused by both parents, and there is no "getting over it." Even when you learn to let go of the anger, the effects are still there because abuse alters every behavior and every attitude you learn from your parents. I can't imagine how much worse it must be to have the abuse be sexual, but I know it's not an easy thing. To help your husband understand, maybe have him sit down with your psychologist. Because of doctor-patient confidentiality, you could talk to your doctor about how much is okay to reveal. Your doctor could give either give your husband a general talk about the psychological effects of abuse or maybe discuss how it relates specifically to you. You could also ask your husband to attend survivor group meetings or read books about PTSD as it relates to survivors of sexual abuse. There are many books out there. Memoirs, poetry, reference books. Even if he's not a reader, there are documentaries. If your husband loves you, he'll be willing to do what's necessary to help himself understand you. If he doesn't...well, I'm not sure what you should do but it's not your responsibility to adapt to his behavior and normalize his insensitivity.
    oldethennew and MorningFlower like this.

  10. #10
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    Default Re: My husband is insensitive.

    Rossella,

    TY for such an amazing, understanding Post, you are very wise...
    MorningFlower likes this.

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    Default Re: My husband is insensitive.

    Quote Originally Posted by TammaraAce View Post
    I have ptsd. I was molested as a child by my father and abused at a young age he went to jail for 3 years and plead guilty... I'm turning 20 now. This year my father tried to contact me and I said I forgive you Because that's the Christian thing to do. But wanted nothing to do w him... my father shot himself in march.. I often feel responsible My husband doesn't understand my ptsd. And doesn't understand taking medications for it that my doctors are trying to prescribe me. We even argued about it. He's super insensitive when talking and I often feel frustrated.... help... any advice?
    i suggest you have a invite with him to go to one of your therapy appointments that way therapist and or Doctor can explain just what it is and how bad it is. If your husband is unwilling to go with you to meet up with someone who can explain just what your going through then he is probably not worth fighting for or being with. After all he should care about you unconditionally and enough to understand how you feel and be kind to you about it.. If he is already giving you problems about it then it sounds like he needs to change or I would leave him if I were you because if he is unwilling to do the work to understand he is only going to get worse about his attitude. trust me...
    oldethennew likes this.
    Let He Who lives without sin cast the first stone.

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    Senior Member EarnestQ's Avatar
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    Default Re: My husband is insensitive.

    You need some friends you can get real with. Get involved in a Bible study or small group or two. Make some friends. Share your prayer requests. Find someone you can share and pray with.
    The best way to help others understand and experience God's love better is to understand and experience it better yourself.

    Understanding and experiencing God's love better everyday is the most important task for anyone who considers him/herself to be a Christian.


    Love without truth is deception. Truth without love is arrogance. God's love and God's truth balanced is God's wisdom.

    The more one promotes himself and/or his ideas, the less he cares about eternal life for others.

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