18 year marriage, In-laws will ruin our marriage

[Always2nd]

My husband and I have had problems with his parents since the day we got married. For starters they literally tried to disrupt our wedding. I threw my wedding dress in the trash afterwards because there are no fond memories of our wedding day.

The day we got back from our honeymoon his mom and sister cussed me out, and to this day I still don't know why.

About 10 months into our marriage and me being newly pregnant his sister comes into our house and physically assaults me because of a misunderstanding of a phone call being disconnected prematurely. In the meantime, she drove 25 min to our house and physically assaulted me and when I tried to call for help she ripped the phone off the wall. (This was back in the good ole days when phones were connected to walls). I had to get a restraining order. Since that day the relationship became strained because DH parents did not believe me, eventhough I had physical injuries from the attack. Of course my DH was at work when this attack occurred, which they made sure he was never around when they were abusive.

DH and I had our first child and they barely acknowledged our son. Hurtful, but nothing too damaging there. Our daughter was born 2 years later and DH father didn't even show up at the hospital to see the new grandchild, we only live 1 hour away. I stopped making an effort, but my DH continued to be manipulated by them. We had two more kids over the next 5 years and the in-laws have never met them. And for 12 years we've had little contact.

Fast forward 12 years and DH father just passed away. Within a day DH forgave his parents and was with his father almost daily for two weeks until his father passed away.

I need another perspective. My DH gave his life to Jesus when we were dating, he did not come from a Christian family. I know this is the crux of all discourse because they believe I've turned my DH against the ways he was raised.

There has been so much hurt and strife. I've tried for two weeks to give my DH the latitude and freedom to deal with his parents as he needed for closure, but now he's acting like nothing has ever happened and wants us to jump back into a relationship with all the family again. He texts and calls his mom all day long and chit chats like there isnt 18 years of hurt. I know he's forgiven his parents, but his mother has never apologized.

We have had a rocky marriage because of our disagreements over the inlaws. He always defends them and doesn't understand my hurt. Its always me against them. I'm having to defend myself on my own and my DH doesn't come to my defense.

DH now wants our kids to meet the mother in law and the kids don't want to. My oldest is 16 and doesn't understand why they have to meet someone that has ignored them almost his whole life.

I believe forgiveness should be granted, but I also dont believe forgiveness means we get rid of our boundaries and there are steps in reconciliation that can't be tossed aside.

DH mom and his sister would like nothing more than for me to disappear. My question is I'm tired of fighting for my husband, I'm feeling weary and ready to give up. I know God hates divorce but I don't have anymore to give and I'm tired of my husband not leading and protecting our family. I have too much self respect to allow this family to be verbally or physically abusive again, and I'm older and wiser. But I can't change my DH and if he cannot be the godly husband I need him to be then we can't be together anymore.

Please someone give me perspective.

 

[Lighthearted]

Do you love your husband? Is he good to you in other aspects of your marriage and a good father? If
the in laws are truly the issue where you have strife, and your husband loves you, don't give up. You and him should sit down and really talk about what's at stake. You've been married a long time and you've surely learned to work together through all these years. Good Godly men are hard to find. Good fathers are scarce too. Pray together before you talk and ask the Lord to help you both have love and understanding and guide you as to His will in this situation. Even though all parents and families have problems, it's hard to let go forever. It's absurd to even think you should. Forgiveness is key no matter how many times you have to turn your cheek. It's easier said than done...only Jesus can really do something like that...but He wants us to do our best to follow His word and His example. He should sit his family down and tell them that to pick up the pieces certain things will need to change. He needs to explain that he loves you and loves his children but to include them again there's going to need to be forgiveness...a clean slate...and some respect btween everyone. Life is too short and family is too important to live without the benefit of family and love. Maybe you all can use some counseling...maybe all of you could. I wish everyone the best blessings in this regard. God has the answers you seek.

 

[Always2nd]

My DH is a Christian but does not spiritually lead our family, which has always been frustrating. He doesn't shepherd our children. DH just exsits. He works, eats, takes care of fixing things around the house but the kids don't know him, our 16 year old mentions that his dad doesn't speak to him. I've tried to chalk it up to the fact that he wasn't raised in a godly home and doesn't have any role models. But eventually you stop using that as a crutch and build godly community and he just doesn't want to.

 

[Lighthearted]

I would seek direction from your pastor.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Hubby sounds incapable of confronting his family on their incorrigible behavior. If the kids don't want to meet their grandmother, don't force them to.. Your oldest is right, she's never made an effort to meet them, so why should they want to meet her? I'm sorry but your inlaws don't deserve to meet their nieces/nephews/grandkids.. They forfeited that opportunity the first time the sister assaulted you.

 

[Huckleberry]

"DH" needs to cleave to his wife.
Tell him that if his mother wants to see her
grandchildren, she will have to make the effort.
She will come to them, in your home, with you there,
and will be expected to be respectful to everyone at all times.
The violent sister should be permanently banned from your home and
from ever being present in the same place as you and your children.
Make common sense decisions and stand by them.

 

[Depleted]

My husband and I have had problems with his parents since the day we got married. For starters they literally tried to disrupt our wedding. I threw my wedding dress in the trash afterwards because there are no fond memories of our wedding day.

The day we got back from our honeymoon his mom and sister cussed me out, and to this day I still don't know why.

About 10 months into our marriage and me being newly pregnant his sister comes into our house and physically assaults me because of a misunderstanding of a phone call being disconnected prematurely. In the meantime, she drove 25 min to our house and physically assaulted me and when I tried to call for help she ripped the phone off the wall. (This was back in the good ole days when phones were connected to walls). I had to get a restraining order. Since that day the relationship became strained because DH parents did not believe me, eventhough I had physical injuries from the attack. Of course my DH was at work when this attack occurred, which they made sure he was never around when they were abusive.

DH and I had our first child and they barely acknowledged our son. Hurtful, but nothing too damaging there. Our daughter was born 2 years later and DH father didn't even show up at the hospital to see the new grandchild, we only live 1 hour away. I stopped making an effort, but my DH continued to be manipulated by them. We had two more kids over the next 5 years and the in-laws have never met them. And for 12 years we've had little contact.

Fast forward 12 years and DH father just passed away. Within a day DH forgave his parents and was with his father almost daily for two weeks until his father passed away.

I need another perspective. My DH gave his life to Jesus when we were dating, he did not come from a Christian family. I know this is the crux of all discourse because they believe I've turned my DH against the ways he was raised.

There has been so much hurt and strife. I've tried for two weeks to give my DH the latitude and freedom to deal with his parents as he needed for closure, but now he's acting like nothing has ever happened and wants us to jump back into a relationship with all the family again. He texts and calls his mom all day long and chit chats like there isnt 18 years of hurt. I know he's forgiven his parents, but his mother has never apologized.

We have had a rocky marriage because of our disagreements over the inlaws. He always defends them and doesn't understand my hurt. Its always me against them. I'm having to defend myself on my own and my DH doesn't come to my defense.

DH now wants our kids to meet the mother in law and the kids don't want to. My oldest is 16 and doesn't understand why they have to meet someone that has ignored them almost his whole life.

I believe forgiveness should be granted, but I also dont believe forgiveness means we get rid of our boundaries and there are steps in reconciliation that can't be tossed aside.

DH mom and his sister would like nothing more than for me to disappear. My question is I'm tired of fighting for my husband, I'm feeling weary and ready to give up. I know God hates divorce but I don't have anymore to give and I'm tired of my husband not leading and protecting our family. I have too much self respect to allow this family to be verbally or physically abusive again, and I'm older and wiser. But I can't change my DH and if he cannot be the godly husband I need him to be then we can't be together anymore.

Please someone give me perspective.

What else has your husband done to you that causes you such distrust in him?

 

[Depleted]

My DH is a Christian but does not spiritually lead our family, which has always been frustrating. He doesn't shepherd our children. DH just exsits. He works, eats, takes care of fixing things around the house but the kids don't know him, our 16 year old mentions that his dad doesn't speak to him. I've tried to chalk it up to the fact that he wasn't raised in a godly home and doesn't have any role models. But eventually you stop using that as a crutch and build godly community and he just doesn't want to.

Did you ever encourage him to lead the family? From all you've said so far, it sounds like you took on the role of leader long, long ago. AND, you're still after the role. You still want him to follow your lead.

 

[tourist]

So your saying that your husband's parents never met your children? For starters, your husband should have stuck up for you from the start instead of letting his family run all over you. I assume that you and your husband have had many discussions on this through the years but apparently nothing got resolved. I believe that your husband has been grossly insensitive to your feelings since day one. Talk to your husband again, tell him what you feel inside, give him 6 months to show positive change, if not, show him the door. I found your screen name to be very sad. As his wife you should always be first, not second, or third or whatever. There are others here on this site that can tell similar horror stories so please know that you're not alone. Hopefully, you will find comfort, support and understanding from the other members. Glad to have you as part of our family. Welcome to CC.

 

[Angela53510]

So you are mad at your husband because he forgave his parents? But you won't forgive him or his parents? Yet you are the spiritual leader, in your eyes??

It seems to me that he is the Christian, and you are the grudge holder. I was abused by my parents, physically. They denied it, never apologized, and yet, I forgave them both, and I was able to lead them both to the Lord!

I haven't heard of such self centeredness as you display, for a long time. Do you think there is grounds for divorce in the Bible, because the spouse forgives his parents, when you don't want him to? If they don't want to see you children, that is sad! They are depriving both themselves and especially the children. But, you want to take away and deprive the children of their father, too? Because of a grudge, for whatever reason, from 18 years ago?

"But if you do not forgive others, your Father will not forgive you your sins." Matt 6:15

You need to get down on your knees and ask for forgiveness, and start praying for your husband's family, which is what you should have been doing for 18 years. Forgive them, regardless of what happened, (it honestly sounds pretty trivial to me!) and ask your husband for forgiveness for being so unChristian to his family, and demanding he hate them because you hate them. And while you are on your knees, thank God your husband never left you with your bitterness and anger.
P
Oh, and since he hasn't committed adultery on you, and you don't indicate he has abused you, you do not have any grounds for divorce! Instead your mission should have been showing the love of Christ to his family all these years, so they would have wanted to know more about Jesus. Time for you to think about what Christians do when someone hates them, instead of holding to these worldly values!

"But I say to you, love your enemyand pray for those who persecute you," Matt 5:44

 

[Depleted]

So your saying that your husband's parents never met your children? For starters, your husband should have stuck up for you from the start instead of letting his family run all over you. I assume that you and your husband have had many discussions on this through the years but apparently nothing got resolved. I believe that your husband has been grossly insensitive to your feelings since day one. Talk to your husband again, tell him what you feel inside, give him 6 months to show positive change, if not, show him the door. I found your screen name to be very sad. As his wife you should always be first, not second, or third or whatever. There are others here on this site that can tell similar horror stories so please know that you're not alone. Hopefully, you will find comfort, support and understanding from the other members. Glad to have you as part of our family. Welcome to CC.

This may come as a shock, but you're not Dr. Phil.

http://christianchat.com/christian-...reign-does-man-co-reign-time-im-teaching.html

 

[P3nnywise]

I have too much self respect to allow this family to be verbally or physically abusive again, and I'm older and wiser. But I can't change my DH and if he cannot be the godly husband I need him to be then we can't be together anymore.

Please someone give me perspective.

Is it really that you have too much self respect to allow your kids to meet your in-laws?

Since you're wanting our perspectives, I'll be honest. It's incredibly hypocritical for you to expect your husband to be "godly" when you're contemplating a non-biblical divorce (divorce for any reason other than adultery) because of your in-laws. Just think about that for a minute.

 

[Nehemiah6]

DH mom and his sister would like nothing more than for me to disappear. My question is I'm tired of fighting for my husband, I'm feeling weary and ready to give up. I know God hates divorce but I don't have anymore to give and I'm tired of my husband not leading and protecting our family. I have too much self respect to allow this family to be verbally or physically abusive again, and I'm older and wiser. But I can't change my DH and if he cannot be the godly husband I need him to be then we can't be together anymore. Please someone give me perspective.

Sorry to hear about this unpleasant situation, and divorce should only be considered if all else fails. You are right in remembering that God hates divorce.

The crux of the issue is what I have highlighted. Every Christian wife and mother has the right to expect her husband to spiritually lead his family and also protect his family from every kind of attack, including hatred from his own family.

Since you have mentioned that he is a Christian, you should let him know that things need to be resolved through spiritual counseling by your pastor. So set up a meeting and when you contact him let your pastor know that you wish to have your husband shown from the Word of God that he is sinning against you and your family and needs to repent and fulfil his God-given responsibilities.

If the pastor is a woman, then you should speak with a couple of elders (men) in your church confidentially, and ask them for the same kind of counseling for him. Since you say he is a Christian, he should not fight this but willingly agree. It is better for this to come from mature men and in a face-to-face meeting. The fundamental principle is already laid down in Genesis 2:23,24.

And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.