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Christian Family Forum

Discuss family topics/issues, and give and receive encouragement here.

Thread: Help....family issue :/

  1. #1
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    Default Help....family issue :/

    Hi all

    Just posting here for advice.....

    I'm married and God blessed me with a family....our daughter last yr requested a phone for Christmas, husband wanted to give her a phone but I did not support the decision since it was no a need but a want. Husband and I talk about it and he gave his point of view (safety when daughter goes outside and play, any emergency at school etc) daughter is 11...I communicate to my husband that she is too young and that we have other important bills to paid so to her having a phone is no necessary....any emergency she can ask for a phone at the school front desk...or etc. Husband continue to talk to me about the needs for a phone... So my response was if she really needed at phone then let's get one with only the basics emergency call and family members phone numbers....no internet ...apps etc. Time passes by....then Christmas came...we usually go to grandmas to open up presents and when my daughter open up hers it was an I phone 6 connected to the internet etc.

  2. #2
    Senior Member tourist's Avatar
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    Default Re: Help....family issue :/

    Kids today need their phone to stay connected. That's the way it is today. I see nothing inherently harmful for your daughter to have a phone. I'm sure that there are ways a parent can block certain content and the parent should instruct the child repeatedly not to talk to strangers.

    I don't fault your husband for doing what he did.

    Glad to have you onboard with us. Looking forward to your posts. Welcome to CC.
    MarcR likes this.
    M & M's melt in your mouth and not in your hands.

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    Senior Member TemporaryCircumstances's Avatar
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    Default Re: Help....family issue :/

    I agree with you on the fact that she is too young, HOWEVER sooner than later you'll have to get her a phone because school starts relying on students having a phone the higher up you get in grades.

    Maybe you sit down with your husband and daughter and make a goal.
    "If you do this and this to show me you are responsible enough to use a phone as intended than we will look at getting you a phone"

    And if she does get a phone just make it clear that it's a privilege not a right and can be taken away at any time
    blue_ladybug and tourist like this.
    God Bless,
    Natania ♡
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    Senior Member tourist's Avatar
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    Default Re: Help....family issue :/

    Quote Originally Posted by TemporaryCircumstances View Post
    I agree with you on the fact that she is too young, HOWEVER sooner than later you'll have to get her a phone because school starts relying on students having a phone the higher up you get in grades.

    Maybe you sit down with your husband and daughter and make a goal.
    "If you do this and this to show me you are responsible enough to use a phone as intended than we will look at getting you a phone"

    And if she does get a phone just make it clear that it's a privilege not a right and can be taken away at any time
    You will make a good mother one day.
    M & M's melt in your mouth and not in your hands.

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    Default Re: Help....family issue :/

    Quote Originally Posted by Marie1985 View Post
    Hi all

    Just posting here for advice.....

    I'm married and God blessed me with a family....our daughter last yr requested a phone for Christmas, husband wanted to give her a phone but I did not support the decision since it was no a need but a want. Husband and I talk about it and he gave his point of view (safety when daughter goes outside and play, any emergency at school etc) daughter is 11...I communicate to my husband that she is too young and that we have other important bills to paid so to her having a phone is no necessary....any emergency she can ask for a phone at the school front desk...or etc. Husband continue to talk to me about the needs for a phone... So my response was if she really needed at phone then let's get one with only the basics emergency call and family members phone numbers....no internet ...apps etc. Time passes by....then Christmas came...we usually go to grandmas to open up presents and when my daughter open up hers it was an I phone 6 connected to the internet etc.
    Since it's nine months later, how is it working out?

    (I'm trying to work out why you haven't figured out if it was a good idea, or not, in nine months.)
    Lynn

    Still woman, but no lady.

    And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Rom. 8:28

  6. #6
    Senior Member TemporaryCircumstances's Avatar
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    Default Re: Help....family issue :/

    Quote Originally Posted by tourist View Post
    You will make a good mother one day.
    I already feel like one lol
    God Bless,
    Natania ♡
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  7. #7
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    Default Re: Help....family issue :/

    If your daughter feels loved enough she will not use the phone secretively, and will also be open about anything she felt was wrong.

    'Real' love (mutual understanding and grace) rarely seems to be in the equation for how parents raise their children, over control (fear-based). But those with the most blessed lives tend to have been given freedom and trust, by truly loving parents. And that's rare. Most of us have/had dysfunctional families. And what do we do? We unknowing pass on dysfunctional behaviour by thinking we can do better than how we were treated (which is a dysfunctional mind set). It's about knowing love, knowing God and sticking to that.

    It is lack of strong and authentic love, or a dysfunctional perception of love, that puts a parents children at more risk of danger when they are away from the nest, or indeed alone at home.

    Being over-protective, is a dysfunctional perception of love.
    So is giving a phone based on thinking it will make them feel loved, rather than out of love and mutual understanding, not that this is the case but I assume there is opposition in you and your husband.

    What's done is done, maybe you need to take it as a learning point on how you can be more loving, rather than protective (fear-based). You didn't get through to your husband, and he kind of went behind your back without mutual agreement. This is what I mean about acting secretively. That is what fear does, not love.

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    Default Re: Help....family issue :/

    Quote Originally Posted by Marie1985 View Post
    ...then Christmas came...we usually go to grandmas to open up presents and when my daughter open up hers it was an I phone 6 connected to the internet etc.
    First of all Marie, you were perfectly right in requiring that if your 11-year-old needed a phone for emergencies, it should be a basic cell phone and nothing else. It is too bad that your husband is devoid of common sense in this matter.

    Since Christmas was a long time ago, perhaps the damage has already been done, and the possibility of exchanging the I-phone for a basic phone does not exist. However what you can do -- even at this stage -- is purchase a basic phone and inform you daughter that because of the many hazards of using the I-phone (not just for her age group but or all young people), you do not wish to have have her use that. Therefore you are taking it from her -- as an act of love -- and giving her the basic phone. No doubt there will be pouting and whining, but you are the parent and that should be the end of the matter.

    The I phone companies have deliberately targeted immature kids with these expensive "toys" which do more harm than good. But you do not have to put up with their strategy either. If you are a Christian and your daughter is a Christian, then explain the spiritual dimension of your decision also.

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    Default Re: Help....family issue :/

    Next,pitch the kid the keys to the car.

    Hey,everyone else is doing it
    Dan58 likes this.

  10. #10
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    Default Re: Help....family issue :/



    My first phone given to me looked like this and let me tell you this was the coolest thing I had ever owned!
    Lol, even if I was only allowed to make calls and texts.

    I only ever got a phone to begin with because I got injured and one guardian wouldn't answer the other guardian when they called them because they had trouble acting like adults around each other and so this was the only way I could communicate with the other parent in time of need.

    But I wouldn't let your daughter keep her iPhone 6....
    Get her a simple phone and limit what she can do.

    I had that phone for years, a few months in I earned the privilege to have 1 game on that phone (it was one of those bubbles popping games XD)
    Then a few years later I earned the privilege to get net nanny off of my phone (it's this thing where they can track your search history and messages and block a bunch of stuff)
    Then I earned the privilege to have an email
    Than I earned the privilege to get an upgrade on my phone. So then I had a small touchscreen phone


    It certainly worked for me.
    I know very well that if I act out of line the phone can be cut off.
    I've gotten it taken away for a year and a half before
    You just have to teach your kiddo to be grateful for the phone she has even if a simple phone
    Silverwings likes this.
    God Bless,
    Natania ♡
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  11. #11
    MrChris
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    Default Re: Help....family issue :/

    Quote Originally Posted by Marie1985 View Post
    Hi all

    Just posting here for advice.....

    I'm married and God blessed me with a family....our daughter last yr requested a phone for Christmas, husband wanted to give her a phone but I did not support the decision since it was no a need but a want. Husband and I talk about it and he gave his point of view (safety when daughter goes outside and play, any emergency at school etc) daughter is 11...I communicate to my husband that she is too young and that we have other important bills to paid so to her having a phone is no necessary....any emergency she can ask for a phone at the school front desk...or etc. Husband continue to talk to me about the needs for a phone... So my response was if she really needed at phone then let's get one with only the basics emergency call and family members phone numbers....no internet ...apps etc. Time passes by....then Christmas came...we usually go to grandmas to open up presents and when my daughter open up hers it was an I phone 6 connected to the internet etc.
    What are you most worried about.

  12. #12
    Senior Member santuzza's Avatar
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    Default Re: Help....family issue :/

    Well, it HAS been 9 months since this incident, so I'm wondering about a few things:

    1. How is it working out?

    2. Why are you asking about it NOW?

    3. I'm most concerned that your husband, despite your objection, just went ahead and purchased the phone. There should have been some type of agreement prior to the purchase and the phone being given to your daughter. Shows me that your husband does not value/respect your opinion/wishes. I suggest the two of you talk this out, perhaps with your pastor, especially since it is obviously still an issue for you.
    "Evil is powerless when the good are unafraid." - Ronald Reagan

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    Default Re: Help....family issue :/

    Hi, every family is different but what is important is that both parents are united when making decisions for their family. I suggest you sit with your husband to discuss and try and understand why he decided to ignore your objections regarding getting a phone for your daughter if you haven't already done this. Also has Mum you can decide with your daughter some safety rules to help her as she uses the phone. Now she's got the phone, she needs your guidance as to how she uses her phone. Some parents like I did find it useful to put safety apps on the I-phone which limits and tracks websites that the child can access on the phone and I also found the Find friends app on the I-phone useful to know the location of the i-phone.

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    Default Re: Help....family issue :/

    I got my first phone when i got into elementary. Ive had cases where my schools didnt allow me to call my mom in an emergency and i needed my phone. Plus if ur daughter is out plaYing with friends she can get a hold on u, or her friends can call u. Its not all just negative
    God bless you
    ~*~Demi777 ~*~

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    http://christianchat.com/testimonies...shortened.html

  15. #15
    Senior Member Corbinscam's Avatar
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    Default Re: Help....family issue :/

    IPhones are actually really easy to lock down. .....if I had a kid I'd get one and lock it down where they could use it as a phone and for apps already on it but needed a password for new apps etc.
    “Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and go do that, because what the worlds needs is people who have come alive.”
    John Eldredge

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    Default Re: Help....family issue :/

    Hi- before we bought smartphone for my son, we had a talk. We told him to limit his usage because smartphone can be addictive distractions from schoolwork. We also told him that he has to answer our text or call right away if possible. It’s been 4 years and so far, he is doing well. You may want to talk to your daughter and set a goal, it worked for us, and I hope it will work for you too. Thank you for sharing, praying for you.



    Quote Originally Posted by Marie1985 View Post
    Hi all

    Just posting here for advice.....

    I'm married and God blessed me with a family....our daughter last yr requested a phone for Christmas, husband wanted to give her a phone but I did not support the decision since it was no a need but a want. Husband and I talk about it and he gave his point of view (safety when daughter goes outside and play, any emergency at school etc) daughter is 11...I communicate to my husband that she is too young and that we have other important bills to paid so to her having a phone is no necessary....any emergency she can ask for a phone at the school front desk...or etc. Husband continue to talk to me about the needs for a phone... So my response was if she really needed at phone then let's get one with only the basics emergency call and family members phone numbers....no internet ...apps etc. Time passes by....then Christmas came...we usually go to grandmas to open up presents and when my daughter open up hers it was an I phone 6 connected to the internet etc.

  17. #17
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    Default Re: Help....family issue :/

    Dear Marie1985,
    The phone issue is now in the past. I am not saying that I disagree with your ideas on this issue or that it wasn’t important. In fact, I agree with you and especially your compromise – locked down phone. In moving forward from this what I would focus on now is how you and your husband work through other issues as they come up in the future.·

    Some things to consider that should be helpful are:
    a. God’s headship order for the family
    b. Your very important role in that
    i. Helpmeet (behind every good man is a good woman)
    c. Something I heard recently: no matter how right the husband or wife is in an argument the children always lose.
    d. How to have peace, a loving household and a good relationship with your husband
    e. God’s ways work in all situations although sometimes, especially in our day it is easy to question how it is possible.

    Headship order Verses

    Ephesians 5:22-24 NKJV 22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. 24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Other verses on headship: Eph. 6:23, 1st Cor. 11:3, John 6:38, Math. 26:39 Phil. 2:6-8, 1st Peter 3:1…
    Wife’s role in God’s headship plan:
    Genesis 2:18 NKJV 18 And the LORD God said, "It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him." And 1st Cor. 11:8-9.

    When the headship order is not as God intended things will not be nearly as good as when it is the way God intended for it to be. I am not saying that this is the case in your home but it is something to consider. In today’s society, this is not a popular teaching and often not adhered to, at least not fully, but when it is the home becomes a warm and loving place for its members to find comfort love and refuge from a cold world.
    One thing that can help the husband and wife to fulfill their God ordained roles is in love and respect. The husband showing the wife love and the wife showing the husband respect. This has biblical support (and my wife and I can testify to its effectiveness).

    Ephesians 5:33 NKJV 33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. Also, Eph. 5:25.

    A neat thing about this is that if the wife shows her husband respect (continually) in time the husband will show the wife love (vice versa is also true). The relationship becomes hat God has intended for it to be. I know this. It has happened with my wife and I.

    Our church went through the DVD series called “Love and Respect” by Emmerson Eggerichs. He also has a book under the same title. I strongly recommend either or both. Another very helpful resource for the family is “For Women Only” and “For Men Only” by Eric And Shanti Feldhahn, both in print and audio. My wife and I both learned many amazing things about how different we see things. We as in man and woman. These were put together from thousands of questionnaires.
    This all ties back to the headship order in that to show respect is to support decisions made by the leader. I am not saying the wife should not help in the decisions. It is an unwise man that does not consider his wife’s opinion, but in the end the husband will answer to God for the decisions made. And whatever the husband ultimately decides (provided of course it lines up with scripture) the wife should support.

    Please don’t think I see you as the bad guy in this. Again, I respect your stand on it. I also am not saying that you are a disobedient, non-submitting wife. There is not enough information here from both you and your husband to know exactly what is going on. I do truly believe, from personal experience in my own home and with biblical support that by doing what I mention here yours will be a home that God will be comfortable to be in the center of. I also know that it is your husband that should be taking the steps to achieve the above but he is not the one that reached out. I have no idea where he is at spiritually. But to your credit you did. By following the outlined scriptures and recommended resources you can turn things around (If things truly need to be turned around.) so that he would take his rightful place as head of house etc… It will take time, much prayer and …. Work on your part. I do believe you will be blessed and be extremely grateful if you did this.

    Again, if my assumptions are not correct in this, please forgive me and join me in praying that someone who truly needs to know this will read it.

    Take care and God bless you all
    Bethohio1 likes this.

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