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Thread: Narcissistic spouse

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    Default Narcissistic spouse

    What happens when you finally accept the fact that your spouse is a narcissist? You have danced around it for years. You tried to believe it wasn't so. You endure emotional abuse, watched your home be destroyed right in front of you...for years...you covered it up...you helped him get elected...and you found yourself staring at the term "narcissist." What do you do? He has already ruined relationships with his kids. He has aleinated you to basically the point of no return. WHAT DO YOU DO? Leave? I wish. Tell me to. But I don't think it is that easy. Wishing I hadn't married him at all. Except for my son, who wouldn't be here,had I not. I just want to either be with someone who loves my father so much that he loves me like Christ loves the Church, or to be alone. But I am stuck with someone who literally has no emotions until I threaten to leave. I hate being needy like I am here, on this site. I have reached out to numerous local counselors, to no avail. I have started thinking I might be the crazy one. My oldest begged him for years to be her Daddy. He is her father! And all I can think about is how it felt driving away from my crying mother with a 3 day old. He and I weren't even together. But I wanted her to have a dad because I didn't. And I tried to teach him how to be one. But now that it's too late, she's 17.... and she refuses to have anything to with him, he says he "cant do anything about it" and I have to "forgive and let go of my resentment." And I can't. I feel trapped. I live in resentment.

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    Default Re: Narcissistic spouse

    If you really can't leave, which I understand completely for there are many different reasons why women stay in relationships like this, I would suggest not trying to change him. It sounds to me like he is autistic, and many are this way, yet able to carry on in the world successfully as long as relationships aren't on a personal level.

    It isnt our job to change another, and you don't have to pour out your life, to save this man. There are religious ways of thinking that are not truth. Jesus poured out His life for us all. So turn him over completely to Him. All the hurt he's caused you, and the children. You just concentrate on them and love them as only you can.

    Autism is a very hard thing to live with in another. Unless God intervenes, he may never be able to feel the emotions of another.

    So. You just be with Jesus. He will make you specially His Bride. Will love on you and heal you so you can live in peace on the inside no matter what goes on outside.

    If you want to pm me, I would be more than willing to talk with you. I've experienced some of what you are going through. And have come out on the other side with the Lord being my comfort, but more than that even....His Presence with me.

    I will keep you in my prayers.
    Jeepers Creepers...we gotta get new peepers.

    Mat 6:22 The light of the body is the eye: if therefore thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light.

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    Default Re: Narcissistic spouse

    Quote Originally Posted by stonesoffire View Post
    If you really can't leave, which I understand completely for there are many different reasons why women stay in relationships like this, I would suggest not trying to change him. It sounds to me like he is autistic, and many are this way, yet able to carry on in the world successfully as long as relationships aren't on a personal level.

    It isnt our job to change another, and you don't have to pour out your life, to save this man. There are religious ways of thinking that are not truth. Jesus poured out His life for us all. So turn him over completely to Him. All the hurt he's caused you, and the children. You just concentrate on them and love them as only you can.

    Autism is a very hard thing to live with in another. Unless God intervenes, he may never be able to feel the emotions of another.

    So. You just be with Jesus. He will make you specially His Bride. Will love on you and heal you so you can live in peace on the inside no matter what goes on outside.

    If you want to pm me, I would be more than willing to talk with you. I've experienced some of what you are going through. And have come out on the other side with the Lord being my comfort, but more than that even....His Presence with me.

    I will keep you in my prayers.
    Thank you so much! I never thought I would find the encouragement I have found on this site in the last 24 hours. I've been feeling for a long time that I'm wrong to want out. You and a couple of other have made me feel understood. I appreciate this site! And I might take you up on that offer soon. I'm just at a point rn where I don't feel fully convinced that my feelings are validated. And as I type that, I shake my head, because I know they are. But he always makes me feel stupid for how I feel. So I doubt my own feelings! It sounds crazy...and maybe I am. But I've researched enough lately to think maybe I'M not the crazy one lol. Thank you for your kind response! I appreciate your time. God bless ❤️

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    Default Re: Narcissistic spouse

    No, you aren't crazy. The Lord is leading you. And he is sick. Born with a warped ability. We never really know what all has occurred with each of us unless the Lord reveals. Just let him go emotionally, and then the Lord is freed to work on him. And you will be strong.

    God bless. He's got you.

    Look at the name Hepzibah in the concordance. It's His promise to you.

    Ive got to go now, but as I said, feel free to contact.
    oldethennew likes this.
    Jeepers Creepers...we gotta get new peepers.

    Mat 6:22 The light of the body is the eye: if therefore thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light.

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    Senior Member Rosemaryx's Avatar
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    Default Re: Narcissistic spouse

    Quote Originally Posted by AmandaMM View Post
    What happens when you finally accept the fact that your spouse is a narcissist? You have danced around it for years. You tried to believe it wasn't so. You endure emotional abuse, watched your home be destroyed right in front of you...for years...you covered it up...you helped him get elected...and you found yourself staring at the term "narcissist." What do you do? He has already ruined relationships with his kids. He has aleinated you to basically the point of no return. WHAT DO YOU DO? Leave? I wish. Tell me to. But I don't think it is that easy. Wishing I hadn't married him at all. Except for my son, who wouldn't be here,had I not. I just want to either be with someone who loves my father so much that he loves me like Christ loves the Church, or to be alone. But I am stuck with someone who literally has no emotions until I threaten to leave. I hate being needy like I am here, on this site. I have reached out to numerous local counselors, to no avail. I have started thinking I might be the crazy one. My oldest begged him for years to be her Daddy. He is her father! And all I can think about is how it felt driving away from my crying mother with a 3 day old. He and I weren't even together. But I wanted her to have a dad because I didn't. And I tried to teach him how to be one. But now that it's too late, she's 17.... and she refuses to have anything to with him, he says he "cant do anything about it" and I have to "forgive and let go of my resentment." And I can't. I feel trapped. I live in resentment.
    Hi Amanda...My heart truly goes out to you and your child...My daughter has been with a man since she was 14, she is now 34 and he also is a narcissist...He has broken our relationship as mother and daughter, although she does communicate through her sisters but he has control of everything...

    She has left him numerous of times, only for him to blackmail her into coming back time and time again, saying he will kill himself, or report her to welfare, they have 4 children, I worry about them so much...I have left it all in Gods hand, as mother and grand mother it truly breaks my heart...

    My grand daughter who is nearly 16 has retaliated to his behaviour, as she gets older, he has started treating his daughter the same way as he abuses my daughter, my advice to you my sweet sister is get away from him regardless of his black mail, and renew your mind in the word...Go to Scriptures on how a man should treat his women , this alone will show you that God is right and your man is wrong...

    I will now close and pray for you, my daughter has wasted all her youth on her man, thinking he will change from his empty promises, he builds her up on air, and strips his empty promises away as his punishment to her, am sure you understand where I am coming from when I say these things...Love does not hurt, love is peace, Joy, these fruits do not exist in a toxic relationship, may God be your strength and may His Almighty shield protect you as our Lord Jesus Christ will lead you...xox...
    oldethennew likes this.
    PSALM 107:20 He sends His word and heals me and rescues me from the pit and destruction.

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    Default Re: Narcissistic spouse

    Glorious Heavenly Father, I come to you on behalf of Amanda. She is confused and in pain. She doesn't know what to do or how to handle the situation she is in. Father, please fill her with knowledge of you. Let her know how much you love her and that no matter where she is in life, you are always right there with her.

    Glorious Heavenly Father, send some people into her life to encourage her and give her the emotional support she needs. Please help her get a good understanding on the nature of her husband's disability, whether he is autistic, or narcissistic, or borderline personality disorder or whatever else he may be. Help her love her husband the way he is even if he never changes. Protect her from any abuse he may direct toward her. Provide for her needs, emotionally, socially, physically and materially.

    Father, if things are too bad, I can imagine you giving her permission to separate from him even if it means staying single the rest of her life. Ofttimes it is better to be sadly single than miserably married.

    BUT, Father, if there is any chance of him growing in you and overcoming his shortcomings then I pray that you will do whatever is necessary to bring him to his knees before you. Change him to be the godly man you created him to be. If necessary, give him the medication he needs to be a better man than he is. Send someone special into his life that will be a father figure to him and help him grow in the ways he needs to. Cause him to fall in love with you with all of his heart, mind, soul and strength.

    Lord Father, please work powerfully in their marriage and help each of them meet the others needs. And, where they can't, bring other people along in their lives to make up for the missing needs.

    I ask these things in the name of your one and only human born Son, Messiah Jesus.
    The best way to help others understand and experience God's love better is to understand and experience it better yourself.

    Understanding and experiencing God's love better everyday is the most important task for anyone who considers him/herself to be a Christian.


    Love without truth is deception. Truth without love is arrogance. God's love and God's truth balanced is God's wisdom.

    The more one promotes himself and/or his ideas, the less he cares about eternal life for others.

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    Default Re: Narcissistic spouse

    Amanda I feel for you. I'm not certain I can lend you any benefit other than pray for you. But know this, that there are those who don't even post that will read about your situation and pray for you.

    You must have peace. Above all the peace of God must rule in your life. For the entire kingdom is but three things, RIGHTEOUSNESS, PEACE and JOY in the Holy Spirit.

    Without peace life is a horrible trial. Before becoming a Christian I had zero peace. I'm sorry for your miserable husband who is the largest victim and for those he has sinned against.

    There is a friend that sticks closer than a brother. Jesus is with you. God will give you an answer of peace (Genesis chapter 41) and of it's inseparable partner, joy.

    Ecclesiastes 5:20 KJVS
    For he shall not much remember the days of his life; because God answereth him in the joy of his heart.

    I would counsel you to seek God for Jesus to fill you with His Holy Spirit. God has an answer of peace for you. Amen
    Last edited by FrankLee; 3 Weeks Ago at 10:58 AM.

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    Default Re: Narcissistic spouse

    Thank y'all so much for your prayers advice, and comments. I joined here looking for help, and I got it! I've not ever told anyone about how things really are, and I guess I needed to. I don't know what God is going to do here. The human in me wants Him to turn me loose from this, but I know it isn't always that easy, and that in itself will present it's own issues. If you read this, please pray that I will hear His voice over my own and that of satan. I stay in one spot because I can't always distinguish the the 3. I'm going to just work on my relationship with God, and pray that I am able to learn the difference. I appreciate y'all! ❤️

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    Default Re: Narcissistic spouse

    Quote Originally Posted by AmandaMM View Post
    Thank y'all so much for your prayers advice, and comments. I joined here looking for help, and I got it! I've not ever told anyone about how things really are, and I guess I needed to. I don't know what God is going to do here. The human in me wants Him to turn me loose from this, but I know it isn't always that easy, and that in itself will present it's own issues. If you read this, please pray that I will hear His voice over my own and that of satan. I stay in one spot because I can't always distinguish the the 3. I'm going to just work on my relationship with God, and pray that I am able to learn the difference. I appreciate y'all! ❤️
    My sweet sister...Jesus does not want you to work in any way, this is what He wants you do...Matthew 11:28 Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest...

    When you rest in Him, you will feel His peace, if you can not feel His peace then you are not resting in Him...Let Him take ALL your burdens, tell Him everything, He knows anyway, try and run yourself a nice hot bath if you can with some bubbles, light a candle if you have one and enjoy a soak as you lay all your troubles on Him, Oh by the way, a good hot bath and a candle is always my answer when stressed ...I call my bath time my secret closet...Do not fret, keep your armor suit on, your shield in your left hand to bounce them fiery darts that the evil one will send, God has His SHIELD right over you...God says in Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand...xox...
    PSALM 107:20 He sends His word and heals me and rescues me from the pit and destruction.

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    Default Re: Narcissistic spouse

    Quote Originally Posted by AmandaMM View Post
    What happens when you finally accept the fact that your spouse is a narcissist? You have danced around it for years. You tried to believe it wasn't so.
    Looks like there is fault on both sides. Why was this issue not resolved when your spouse first failed to fulfil his roles as husband and father? And how is it that you failed to assess your spouse's character before you even got married? Did you seek some premarital counseling?

    There is only one solution. Christ can change any person totally from within. But that person must acknowledge that he is a sinner and that he needs to repent and receive Christ as both Lord and Savior. So have a meeting with a true Gospel preacher, where both of you hear and understand what the Gospel means and come to repentance.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Nehemiah6 View Post
    Looks like there is fault on both sides. Why was this issue not resolved when your spouse first failed to fulfil his roles as husband and father? And how is it that you failed to assess your spouse's character before you even got married? Did you seek some premarital counseling?

    There is only one solution. Christ can change any person totally from within. But that person must acknowledge that he is a sinner and that he needs to repent and receive Christ as both Lord and Savior. So have a meeting with a true Gospel preacher, where both of you hear and understand what the Gospel means and come to repentance.
    I don't know why. I have begged him for years. He always says things will come together if we walk with Him faithfully. But even when I am, he isn't. He has never led our family in any way. And I'm not perfect either. I get fed up and depressed and I turn away from God because I feel like I'm the only one who puts in any effort,and it's always me who's trying. And that's stupid of me. I need to work on myself, too. I'm trying to find a counselor.

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    Default Re: Narcissistic spouse

    Something I recently read, in an abnormal psychology book, is that narcissists often get together with people who are dependent. You may not have full blown Dependent Personality Disorder, but your inability to leave an abuser, speaks volumes.

    I do think you need to leave, before he really starts abusing your daughter. Esp. If she is pretty, he may be attracted to her. You have to put your feelings and worries aside, and walk out with your children, before severe harm is done.

    Narcissists don't change. Why should they? They know how to manipulate to get what they want, like threatening black mail. It is your job to find a way to leave, because he will not change. Although, I will bet he would go to counseling, to get you back, just to start the whole cycle again.

    I'm sorry you are going through this! I pray God will comfort you now and always!
    Dan58 and oldethennew like this.
    "And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me." 2 Cor. 12:9 NASB

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    Default Re: Narcissistic spouse

    Quote Originally Posted by AmandaMM View Post
    I don't know why. I have begged him for years. He always says things will come together if we walk with Him faithfully. But even when I am, he isn't. He has never led our family in any way. And I'm not perfect either. I get fed up and depressed and I turn away from God because I feel like I'm the only one who puts in any effort,and it's always me who's trying. And that's stupid of me. I need to work on myself, too. I'm trying to find a counselor.

    I hope you are still here Amanda. The Lord doesn't accuse or condemn us for past mistakes. We are to live just one day at a time, and it's always the present day. He came to save not condemn.

    Just concentrate on one day and it's trials, put your head down on your pillow at night, and let go of all those things that may have transpired in the day; and let Him wash you with a Word. Ask Him for a word special to you. That always was a great help to me. Still is for we all have trials of some kind.

    Sufficient for the day is the evil thereof. These are coping methods from heaven.

    But, you do always have that option of leaving. Don't be bound by fear of the future for wherever you go, He is with you.

    Blessings and peace I pray to you always..in Jesus name.
    Jeepers Creepers...we gotta get new peepers.

    Mat 6:22 The light of the body is the eye: if therefore thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light.

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    Default Re: Narcissistic spouse

    Quote Originally Posted by AmandaMM View Post
    I don't know why. I have begged him for years. He always says things will come together if we walk with Him faithfully. But even when I am, he isn't. He has never led our family in any way. And I'm not perfect either. I get fed up and depressed and I turn away from God because I feel like I'm the only one who puts in any effort,and it's always me who's trying. And that's stupid of me. I need to work on myself, too. I'm trying to find a counselor.
    Hi Amanda. Glad you have found encouragement from this site. You are proactively looking for advice and solutions to your situation, which is the first step toward change. When in a similar situation, I found practical and Godly advice and options from Christian counselor Leslie Vernick's books "Emotionally Destructive Marriage" and "Emotionally Destructive Relationships". You might want to check these out. Praying for you today.

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    Default Re: Narcissistic spouse

    Quote Originally Posted by stonesoffire View Post
    I hope you are still here Amanda. The Lord doesn't accuse or condemn us for past mistakes. We are to live just one day at a time, and it's always the present day. He came to save not condemn.

    Just concentrate on one day and it's trials, put your head down on your pillow at night, and let go of all those things that may have transpired in the day; and let Him wash you with a Word. Ask Him for a word special to you. That always was a great help to me. Still is for we all have trials of some kind.

    Sufficient for the day is the evil thereof. These are coping methods from heaven.

    But, you do always have that option of leaving. Don't be bound by fear of the future for wherever you go, He is with you.

    Blessings and peace I pray to you always..in Jesus name.
    Thank you. I believe He has been and is trying to teach me exactly what you said. I've been living in resentment for a long time. I guess my mind is my own prison! And also, Im learning that forgiveness is not something I possess naturally. Some do, I do not. So He has used my marriage, miserable as it has been mostly, to teach me this. I am working on this! I'm not letting those thoughts of the past dictate my emotional state longer. It's a work in progress, but He is helping me with it. The hurt is still there, but I'm being made stronger by learning to let it go. Also learned a lot about enabling. And in the future, I have to be more firm about what isn't acceptable, instead of letting it get to the point I did. Thank you for your prayers and Biblically sound advice. I appreciate it!
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    Default Re: Narcissistic spouse

    Quote Originally Posted by SuZQ154 View Post
    Hi Amanda. Glad you have found encouragement from this site. You are proactively looking for advice and solutions to your situation, which is the first step toward change. When in a similar situation, I found practical and Godly advice and options from Christian counselor Leslie Vernick's books "Emotionally Destructive Marriage" and "Emotionally Destructive Relationships". You might want to check these out. Praying for you today.
    Thank you so much. I think I have been a big part of the problem, enabling things to get this way. Perhaps if I had separated earlier, my marriage would not have suffered so much. But I'm learning to let go of the resentment and focus on today. This site helped me a lot, and I truly think many here have prayed for me, because a few days after joining here, God lifted that burden of resentment off of me all at one moment. It was amazing! I will probably try this book anyway, in the case that things return to the way they were. No more resentment, but no more enabling, either. Thank you so much for your prayers!
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    Default Re: Narcissistic spouse

    Quote Originally Posted by AmandaMM View Post
    I don't know why. I have begged him for years. He always says things will come together if we walk with Him faithfully. But even when I am, he isn't. He has never led our family in any way. And I'm not perfect either. I get fed up and depressed and I turn away from God because I feel like I'm the only one who puts in any effort,and it's always me who's trying. And that's stupid of me. I need to work on myself, too. I'm trying to find a counselor.
    There is a real good cure.

    Get a secret place with Jesus. Divorce this life of circumstances and luck, and have a second life more powerful in Jesus.A supernatural life .

    This is an awesome trial. Be like the three Hebrew children. "... But even if he doesn't deliver us, WE STILL WON'T BOW"

    Make Jesus bigger than your situation.

    A captive is obcessed with deliverance. Our answer is not lateral, but rather vertical.
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    Default Re: Narcissistic spouse

    Amanda;
    First of all I am sorry you have to endure such pain with your daughter for so long. But I must correct you that only God can change a person. You said you have looked for counselors to help to no avail but God is the only counselor that can truly make a difference. You see we are a stubborn and cold people. We only change because we need to. But God changes us from the inside out while everyone else tries to change someone from the outside in. We can't go the way the world operates and only God can and will change his heart but you must along with your daughter if she can cry out to God for him to change. He cannot resist God he will lose. God and only God can make the difference.

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    Default Re: Narcissistic spouse

    Hi Amanda,

    It's good that you have accepted the husband that you see before you for 2 reasons. 1) It will allow you to understand that you cannot change him. You take no responsibility for how he is or for his desire to remain how he is. God says that He alone will draw all men to Him through His Holy Spirit.
    2) it will allow you to let God work in your heart and with your life to bring you to the place and position where He wants to lead you to.
    Continue to pray for your family. Allow Him to bring you through this period of brokenness where you completely trust Him and allow Him in the midst of the mess to lead you to a victorious testimony of His wonderful grace.

    God Bless.
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    Default Re: Narcissistic spouse

    Hi Amanda. Feel free to contact me privately as well. I know exactly what you are dealing with and yes, the signs may have been there in Retrospect but narcissists are very clever and charming and have a cunning ability to hide their true selves until you are hooked for good. Don't blame yourself over not seeing the truth about him before you were married. They are master manipulators and liars.

    You are definitely not alone.

    I Peter 5:7 says "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."

    God bless!
    oldethennew and Solemateleft like this.

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