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Thread: Need help, Wife is cold and says she does not love me like a wife should.

  1. #21
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    Default Re: Need help, Wife is cold and says she does not love me like a wife should.

    Quote Originally Posted by PaddleHard View Post
    I'm scared she is hurt to bad to forgive me and to let go and not see me though the negative lense
    Well, I believe you need to believe that Jesus will help you to remove that negative lens.

    You need to ask Him to love her in spite of any negativity that the devil tries to sow in your thoughts towards her. Since Jesus Christ is in you, trust Him as your Good Shepherd to help you put those negative thoughts down and to think on good things.

    If you suffer grief, imagined or otherwise real... look to Jesus for help to take it as Jesus has done by His example.

    1 Peter 2:19 For this is thankworthy, if a man for conscience toward God endure grief, suffering wrongfully.20 For what glory is it, if, when ye be buffeted for your faults, ye shall take it patiently? but if, when ye do well, and suffer for it, ye take it patiently, this is acceptable with God. 21 For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps: 22 Who did no sin, neither was guile found in his mouth:23 Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously:24 Who his own self bare our sins in his own body on the tree, that we, being dead to sins, should live unto righteousness: by whose stripes ye were healed.25 For ye were as sheep going astray; but are now returned unto the Shepherd and Bishop of your souls.

    Ask Jesus to lead you by example in forgiving her so that by your example, the Lord may lead her to forgive you.

    Matthew 6:9 After this manner therefore pray ye: Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. 10 Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.11 Give us this day our daily bread.12 And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. 13 And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.14 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:15 But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

    We could not save ourselves, right? We had to surrender to call on God to save us. The same is true for following Him. When we acknowledge that we cannot do it, then we are calling on Him to help us to follow Him; and He will help us.

    I have people that just want to go out of their way to defame to no end. Ego tripping maniacs that makes mountains out of molehills. The Lord Jesus Christ in me is helping me not to return revile for their slander. He is helping me to forgive them for they know not what they do as Jesus had done while on the cross. I trust Him to lead me away from temptations. I trust Him to carry me through the situation and He has. Looking back on it, I cannot fathom how I did not respond violently as I would have if Jesus had not carried me through it. I trust Jesus to not let the devil bother me in making me feel "stupid" for not comprehending in what they were doing as offensive and how they keep getting away with defrauding me as if I deserve it. Just sharing examples in what He has done and still doing for me in what I am trusting Him for as I need Him to help me forget the nagging of the devil to look at past offenses and bring them to the present as if I had not forgiven them.. even though they are not sorry that they had done it and does not look like they are going to stop any time soon.

    It is easy to love when people love us back, but when you think about it; loving your wife when she does not love you back is when she needs Christ's love in you the most.

    Matthew 5:44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; 45 That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust. 46 For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same?47 And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so?48 Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.

    So love your wife; allow her to hang out with friends that are wives as well. If your wife does not like it if women were in the midst of you hanging out with the guys, then she can't have men hanging out in the midst with her with the women.

    If it is a fireman social thing, and not a work thing, then you should be with her, even if it is not your kind of thing; suffer it gladly, brother. Even try to get your hang out with the guys to team up with her hang out with the ladies and go bowling or any other social outing.

    But do trust the Lord to help YOU to forgive her by putting down all the negativity regardless of what she does, and love her in spite of her shortcomings as Christ loves you, and be thankful that she is not your enemy, but just a wife who needs your continual forgiveness and Christ's love in you to love her no matter what. No greater love than this; he who lays his life down for his friend.... so lay down your life for your wife and expect nothing in return, and you may find more joy in giving love rather than receiving love.
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    Default Re: Need help, Wife is cold and says she does not love me like a wife should.

    Hello; I myself have had some serious anger issues that would scare most people. I should have been locked up and in prison but the good Lord has had mercy on me and has changed me. I don't have much anger problems now but my wife has told me over 500 times that she wanted a divorce. God has worked on me as I seriously sought a relationship with Him and allowed myself to be consumed with His love. That being said currently my wife and I have been married for 32 years. I am an elder in the church and taking classes for becoming a pastor. God is the only one that can change you and heal your marriage. I say this from experience. As long as she is with you, has not moved out, filed divorce papers, hired a lawyer you have hope. And with God you always have hope. Just read your bible and study what God requires a husband to be. What God requires a father to be. Remember your wife is a helpmate not a servant. So be in charge but with love and care and respect. Know when she should lead and when you should lead. Above all things PRAY. Pray on your own and pray together and as a family. Let God take control and your marriage will be blessed!

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    Default Re: Need help, Wife is cold and says she does not love me like a wife should.

    Thank you all for the guidance and prayers.

    We had a good evening together, touching and laughing. We talked on the phone the whole drive home.

    I came home, made dinner and together we did dishes and got kids in the bed.

    This morning she was headed to work and having a tough time with her hair and lunches so I got it and made lunches for the kids.

    She did not feel like hugging me this morning so I stole a kiss on the way out the door she took a moment and told me she "appreciates my efforts and she notices them".

    I don't know how to take that, is she appreciating them in spite of how she feels. Is she working towards forgiveness? Am I just too impatient?

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    Default Re: Need help, Wife is cold and says she does not love me like a wife should.

    Any thoughts on how I can serve her and show my changing ways without "hovering/smothering"

    Yesterday we shared many touches and kisses, this morning she did not want to be around me.

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    Default Re: Need help, Wife is cold and says she does not love me like a wife should.

    Do not push things. Allow her to come to you. Just continue to be the leader God created you to be. When she sees that God truly is changing you then you will notice her desiring you because of God in you. Don't be fake about this, let God make you the husband, father and leader you were created to be.
    Enow and Jenizona like this.

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    Default Re: Need help, Wife is cold and says she does not love me like a wife should.

    Quote Originally Posted by PaddleHard View Post
    Thank you all for the guidance and prayers.

    We had a good evening together, touching and laughing. We talked on the phone the whole drive home.

    I came home, made dinner and together we did dishes and got kids in the bed.

    This morning she was headed to work and having a tough time with her hair and lunches so I got it and made lunches for the kids.

    She did not feel like hugging me this morning so I stole a kiss on the way out the door she took a moment and told me she "appreciates my efforts and she notices them".

    I don't know how to take that, is she appreciating them in spite of how she feels. Is she working towards forgiveness? Am I just too impatient?
    I believe you need to ask the Lord for help to remove any expectation so that the devil does not tempt you with disappointments.

    Why not be thankful for the good that has come rather than allow any thing you see as negative rain on it? Enjoy.

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    Default Re: Need help, Wife is cold and says she does not love me like a wife should.

    Quote Originally Posted by PaddleHard View Post
    Thank you all for the advice. I guess I just want assurances that my marriage will be okay. That is not something anyone can offer. I know that. I have to trust her when she said she is in with both feet.
    You seem like a good man doing your best. She seems like a good woman who is tired.

    You've talked about what you're doing. You talk about what she's doing. It really does sound like a bunch of effort is going on.

    Something is missing though. Do you remember when you first came to the Lord and said something like, "Lord, I'm really a complete sinner. Cannot do what you ask, so please forgive me and help me"?

    Remember that feeling of incapable of doing anything good or right? What changed when you came to the Lord? It wasn't you. It was him. Him in us.

    How about remembering that and seek his help in all this too? At best, we were like your wife -- willing to go through the motions, but knew it wasn't in us to give. God still loved us. And, in his love, our love started growing. But it was through him too. He doesn't bother checking out who is doing more -- us or him -- because that answer is already known. He imputes all over us because we've got nothing without him.

    Reconnect with God in that manner -- remembering you really can't do anything good on your own. And then seek him to do it through you. And then pass that on to your wife. There are three in a marriage. You seem to have forgotten how much we need God, even in our marriage.

    And I'm not saying give up all the stuff you're doing, because you're doing good there. Just remember the reason for doing it -- God.
    violakat, Tinuviel, garee and 1 others like this.
    Lynn

    Still woman, but no lady.

    And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Rom. 8:28

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    Default Re: Need help, Wife is cold and says she does not love me like a wife should.

    Remember that feeling of incapable of doing anything good or right? What changed when you came to the Lord? It wasn't you. It was him. Him in us.

    Depleted; God never changes, it is always us that change and allow God to begin working in us. God is always trying to get our attention but we are either to blind, deaf or dumb to pay Him any mind. Once we recognize the fact that God is trying to have a relationship with us it is then and only then we make a decision to have a relationship with Him or deny Him altogether.

    When we begin a relationship we need to empty ourselves of ourselves and become an empty vessel for Him to use. Denying ourselves 100% and being filled by Him to overflowing into the lives of other people. That love, that trust, that relationship beyond all comprehension is what changes us, molds us, transforms our thinking, talking, relationships with others, basically creates us to be a whole new person on the inside even though we look the same on the outside.

    God is an amazing loving God that goes far beyond where anyone else is willing to go to save us from ourselves. Since the fall of man, man has been driven down a slippery slope leading to death and we are closer now than ever before in history. I thank God that He is still in love with us and giving us a chance at rue life filled with Him!



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    Default Re: Need help, Wife is cold and says she does not love me like a wife should.

    I think she meant that God took over our lives, that's what changed. Not God's nature.
    Quote Originally Posted by kennethleehutch View Post
    Remember that feeling of incapable of doing anything good or right? What changed when you came to the Lord? It wasn't you. It was him. Him in us.

    Depleted; God never changes, it is always us that change and allow God to begin working in us. God is always trying to get our attention but we are either to blind, deaf or dumb to pay Him any mind. Once we recognize the fact that God is trying to have a relationship with us it is then and only then we make a decision to have a relationship with Him or deny Him altogether.

    When we begin a relationship we need to empty ourselves of ourselves and become an empty vessel for Him to use. Denying ourselves 100% and being filled by Him to overflowing into the lives of other people. That love, that trust, that relationship beyond all comprehension is what changes us, molds us, transforms our thinking, talking, relationships with others, basically creates us to be a whole new person on the inside even though we look the same on the outside.

    God is an amazing loving God that goes far beyond where anyone else is willing to go to save us from ourselves. Since the fall of man, man has been driven down a slippery slope leading to death and we are closer now than ever before in history. I thank God that He is still in love with us and giving us a chance at rue life filled with Him!


    A violin can only make your soul cry. But a viola can make your soul soar.

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    Default Re: Need help, Wife is cold and says she does not love me like a wife should.

    I came to the Lord many years ago. I gave it all to him. I have been a little distanced from him for no reason but my own lack of devotion. I needed this to bring me closer. My pain is not without gain. I am growing closer I can feel that peace that comes with dropping all pride and enjoying humility.

    It is so hard to trust that God's will is for my wife and I to be together when she is so obviously unhappy. I pray that God softens her heart and grants her the ability to forgive, all while granting me the strength to remain close to him and faith that my family will be okay .
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    Default Re: Need help, Wife is cold and says she does not love me like a wife should.

    Hello Brother, your situation just reminded me about my marriage, 6 months now I'm struggling just like your wife said, my husband told me he can't love me like a husband love a wife. I couldn't believe it because we're been happy for more than 2 years. I gave my love and all to him, what came to worse later I found out he met women online, found pictures and read their conversations. My world was shattered, I prayed that God will restore our marriage and I don't want lose this marriage. God spoke to me through the Bible, Lamentation 3:24-25 The Lord is all I have so in him I put my Hope the Lord is good to everyone who trust in him. Just pray and trust God and let it go, let him do his work, he's in control for everything. He will rescue you in his own way. We don't know how our story end , it might be happy ending or there will be a twist in it, God works in mysterious way brother. I pray for you and God bless you.
    mar09 likes this.

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    Default Re: Need help, Wife is cold and says she does not love me like a wife should.

    When we come to the Lord we need to work on ourselves and as we work on ourselves God will change us. As we change that will be manifested by showing outwardly. As we change outwardly we see that we begin to affect other people not by our doing but by Jesus and Holy Spirit working through us. This is how your wife will see that there is truly a change in you.

    Marie this is also the way your husband will truly see a change in you. But you never did say if your husband was a believer in Jesus Christ that He died on the cross for yours and your husbands sins. If he is not a believer he is apt to resist God but God never loses. Pray and God will answer your earnest prayers in one way or another.

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    Default Re: Need help, Wife is cold and says she does not love me like a wife should.

    Quote Originally Posted by kennethleehutch View Post
    When we come to the Lord we need to work on ourselves and as we work on ourselves God will change us. As we change that will be manifested by showing outwardly. As we change outwardly we see that we begin to affect other people not by our doing but by Jesus and Holy Spirit working through us. This is how your wife will see that there is truly a change in you.

    Marie this is also the way your husband will truly see a change in you. But you never did say if your husband was a believer in Jesus Christ that He died on the cross for yours and your husbands sins. If he is not a believer he is apt to resist God but God never loses. Pray and God will answer your earnest prayers in one way or another.
    Our focus should be the Lord, not self. Self is what got us in trouble in the first place.
    Lynn

    Still woman, but no lady.

    And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Rom. 8:28

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    Default Re: Need help, Wife is cold and says she does not love me like a wife should.

    Quote Originally Posted by Depleted View Post
    Our focus should be the Lord, not self. Self is what got us in trouble in the first place.
    You are correct. My answer was not clearly stated. We need to allow God to work on us first and in so doing He will manifest outwardly what He is doing to us inwardly.

    Thank you for pointing that out.
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    Default Re: Need help, Wife is cold and says she does not love me like a wife should.

    Thank you all my Brothers and Sisters, I am going to struggle with it I know but I have to trust that I am the Man he meant for my bride and focus on God working in me and through me. I presented my wife the Love Dare book but I think she felt it was superficial. I was hurt that she wants to "get back with me on it". I am going to relax, focus on my prayer life and let God's love shine through me on to my wife and boys. Along with that I will struggle but trust that God will keep us together.
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    Default Re: Need help, Wife is cold and says she does not love me like a wife should.

    What was that movie Fireproof?

    Date her.
    ,

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    Default Re: Need help, Wife is cold and says she does not love me like a wife should.

    Quote Originally Posted by PaddleHard View Post
    Thank you all my Brothers and Sisters, I am going to struggle with it I know but I have to trust that I am the Man he meant for my bride and focus on God working in me and through me. I presented my wife the Love Dare book but I think she felt it was superficial. I was hurt that she wants to "get back with me on it". I am going to relax, focus on my prayer life and let God's love shine through me on to my wife and boys. Along with that I will struggle but trust that God will keep us together.
    Being the man is being the leader. Leader in housework, spiritual Godly training, finances, etc...
    Know yours and her strengths and weaknesses. When she is stronger and more capable follow her, when you are stronger and more capable then lead. Marriage is an equal partnership to where the man takes the lead only because God created marriage that way. Love, love, love, and above all else love.

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    Default Re: Need help, Wife is cold and says she does not love me like a wife should.

    Thank you brother, my husband believes in God but i could say he's not mature when it comes to faith. I'm praying for him that God will give him grace, that God would turn his heart back to him and guide him to do the right thing. God bless brother.

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    Default Re: Need help, Wife is cold and says she does not love me like a wife should.

    Quote Originally Posted by PaddleHard View Post
    Thank you all my Brothers and Sisters, I am going to struggle with it I know but I have to trust that I am the Man he meant for my bride and focus on God working in me and through me. I presented my wife the Love Dare book but I think she felt it was superficial. I was hurt that she wants to "get back with me on it". I am going to relax, focus on my prayer life and let God's love shine through me on to my wife and boys. Along with that I will struggle but trust that God will keep us together.
    She's a firefighter, so I'm guessing she's one tough cookie. I am a tough cookie too. If it helps any, I agree with her. I can't think of a single self-help book that isn't anything but superficial.

    But you tend to keep seeing the negative and wonder about the positive -- even if it is really a positive.
    A. She's thinking it over, so it wasn't a flat refusal.
    B. She is cooperating with you -- going out to dinner with you, doing romantic things with you, and even being willing to touch and kiss usually.
    C. She has been doing almost everything you've suggested.
    D. She's telling you what she is thinking, instead of keeping it all in/keeping it a secret.

    This all adds up to something big. She may be tired. She may be just going through the motions, BUT she has not given up!

    Take her at her word, because there is no evidence she's lying to you. Matter of fact, that being honest thing is really big. Think how hard this would be if she wasn't.
    Lynn

    Still woman, but no lady.

    And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Rom. 8:28

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    Default Re: Need help, Wife is cold and says she does not love me like a wife should.

    Quote Originally Posted by kennethleehutch View Post
    Being the man is being the leader. Leader in housework, spiritual Godly training, finances, etc...
    Know yours and her strengths and weaknesses. When she is stronger and more capable follow her, when you are stronger and more capable then lead. Marriage is an equal partnership to where the man takes the lead only because God created marriage that way. Love, love, love, and above all else love.
    The guy is supposed to do the finances?

    Ut-oh! NOW you tell us!
    notmyown likes this.
    Lynn

    Still woman, but no lady.

    And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Rom. 8:28

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