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Thread: Need help, Wife is cold and says she does not love me like a wife should.

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    Default Need help, Wife is cold and says she does not love me like a wife should.

    I'm a sinner. First let me get that out there. I react out of anger sometimes and I'm critical. That said, I'm working on those things.

    Last week my wife said she does not love me like a wife should. She says there is a lid on that jar and it's empty.

    That said she does kiss me, want to hold my hand, cuddles me and we have been intimate since then.

    I'm afraid of loosing my marriage. We went to counseling together and I am working on me , very hard.

    I'm afraid of being to needy with the unsureness has come insecurities I have never felt. She wants me to be transparent a nd I am. I'm worried that is hurting. How do I give her space to heal while showing I am changing and prove I am worth of her forgiveness .
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    Default Re: Need help, Wife is cold and says she does not love me like a wife should.

    Also she is a firefighter and I'm worried her emotional coldness is related to things she sees on the job .
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    Senior Member Nehemiah6's Avatar
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    Default Re: Need help, Wife is cold and says she does not love me like a wife should.

    Quote Originally Posted by PaddleHard View Post
    I'm a sinner. First let me get that out there.
    The critical issue is not whether you are a sinner (since all have sinned). Are you a sinner saved by grace, and is your wife a sinner saved by grace? This is where you both have to start.
    I react out of anger sometimes and I'm critical. That said, I'm working on those things.
    Even the saints get angry and are critical and need to work on those things.
    Last week my wife said she does not love me like a wife should. She says there is a lid on that jar and it's empty.
    So now comes the hard part. Have you asked her if she is getting involved with someone else, possibly another firefighter?
    That said she does kiss me, want to hold my hand, cuddles me and we have been intimate since then.
    This could indicate an attempt to hide the true situation, or it could mean that she is trying to deal with some issues and coming out with "I don't love you" instead of focusing on the actual problems. You will have to have a serious sit-down with her and try to get everything out in the open (including anything on your side.
    I'm afraid of loosing my marriage. We went to counseling together and I am working on me , very hard.
    Obviously you want your marriage to remain permanent, but does she? and what did the counselor discover, and what did he recommend?
    I'm afraid of being too needy with the unsureness has come insecurities I have never felt.
    Neither spouse should remain in a marriage because either one is "needy". Genuine love for each other should cover everything. If what she has said makes you feel insecure, then all the more reason to get to the bottom of this. Either she is committed to a lifelong marriage, or she is not. I trust she will be honest enough to tell you the truth.
    She wants me to be transparent and I am.
    Depends on what she means by "transparent". She should have learned by now that men and women are constituted differently. Most men will not disclose or discuss their emotions, while women are generally the opposite. On the other hand if there is something which you are involved with that needs some further disclosure but cannot be fully disclosed (for whatever reason) then you should tell her frankly that there is only so much you can share, but there is nothing illegal or immoral in whatever you may be engaged in.
    I'm worried that is hurting.
    Not sure what this means, but if there are past issues that need to be resolved, then they should all be resolved at the same time.
    How do I give her space to heal while showing I am changing and prove I am worth of her forgiveness.
    Why does she need "space to heal" unless you (or someone else) has done some damage? If no damage has been done, then there is no need to conjure up imaginary hurts. As to being worthy of her forgiveness, it sounds like you have indeed done something serious enough which has led to resentment or anger on her part.

    Bottom line: It is time for a frank and open discussion between the two of you, assuming that both can be honest and care about the ultimate outcome. However, if she is plotting a termination of the marriage, that will be a totally different outcome.

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    Default Re: Need help, Wife is cold and says she does not love me like a wife should.

    Thanks,

    I have hurt her (not physically) by my criticism and anger. She is holding onto these things. I have asked about other relationships and she insists that is not the issue. She states she is fully committed with both feet but she is also not willing to say she is confident we can work it out . She says she is emotionally drained and does not know she has the energy to work through the issues.

    I recommended to her that during the next couseling session she go into how she felt when I did these things she is holding on to.

    I know she does not fully trust me.
    I know she is angry with me somewhere in there.

    I know she loves me platonically or more. We both have candid conversations and she said she would be hurt if either of us were with other people.
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    Senior Member Jenizona's Avatar
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    Default Re: Need help, Wife is cold and says she does not love me like a wife should.

    Quote Originally Posted by PaddleHard View Post
    Thanks,

    I have hurt her (not physically) by my criticism and anger. She is holding onto these things. I have asked about other relationships and she insists that is not the issue. She states she is fully committed with both feet but she is also not willing to say she is confident we can work it out . She says she is emotionally drained and does not know she has the energy to work through the issues.

    I recommended to her that during the next couseling session she go into how she felt when I did these things she is holding on to.

    I know she does not fully trust me.
    I know she is angry with me somewhere in there.

    I know she loves me platonically or more. We both have candid conversations and she said she would be hurt if either of us were with other people.
    Hi, PaddleHard! I'm Jen, nice to meet you! :-) First of all, it's so hard to live with a critical person, so GOOD FOR YOU for working on this!! That's awesome!

    I would not give her space! "Giving space" is the wrong thing to do when you're working on a relationship. Take her out. Take her to a movie, you don't have to talk much, just be nice :-) Listening is super important! Is your wife more of an extrovert or an introvert?

    Very cool that she's a firefighter, by the way. I'm rooting for you guys! :-)
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    Default Re: Need help, Wife is cold and says she does not love me like a wife should.

    She said she wants me to hang out with my friends and do what I want to do so I am happy while we work on us . I'm so darn confused. She is outgoing.

    Thanks Jen.
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    Senior Member Jenizona's Avatar
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    Default Re: Need help, Wife is cold and says she does not love me like a wife should.

    Quote Originally Posted by PaddleHard View Post
    She said she wants me to hang out with my friends and do what I want to do so I am happy while we work on us . I'm so darn confused. She is outgoing.

    Thanks Jen.
    If she is outgoing, she needs people and interaction to feel fulfilled.. and actually, that's really cool that she wants you to hang out with your friends and be happy while you work on the two of you...

    However! You're her hubby, and you need to take her out and make her know that you are serious about -her- and that you want to enjoy time with -her-. If she has other friends, that's cool! Maybe you could be one of those couples that has a "date night?" Where you go out and it's just the two of you?

    I'm outgoing, my husband is an introvert lol, I will say it sometimes has its challenges hahaha :-)

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    Default Re: Need help, Wife is cold and says she does not love me like a wife should.

    I took her to lunch yesterday and we spent the afternoon together. We are still intimate but is more physical than anything.

    We are going away together for the weekend next weekend . I'm just so scared it's beyond repair.
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    Default Re: Need help, Wife is cold and says she does not love me like a wife should.

    It sounds kinda normal, if you ask me. How long have you guys been married, and do you have any kids?
    “If sinners be damned, at least let them leap to Hell over our dead bodies. And if they perish, let them perish with our arms wrapped about their knees, imploring them to stay. If Hell must be filled, let it be filled in the teeth of our exertions, and let not one go unwarned and unprayed for.”
    ~Charles Spurgeon

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    Default Re: Need help, Wife is cold and says she does not love me like a wife should.

    14 years, two boys 8 and 13.

    She said she has felt this way for a long time.

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    Default Re: Need help, Wife is cold and says she does not love me like a wife should.

    Quote Originally Posted by PaddleHard View Post
    I took her to lunch yesterday and we spent the afternoon together. We are still intimate but is more physical than anything.

    We are going away together for the weekend next weekend . I'm just so scared it's beyond repair.
    Those are all good things! Wow, good for you, seriously keep it up!

    So I'm wondering why you are so scared? *huggggs* What happened that made you so scared... I re-read your first post a couple of times, and I'm not seeing it... why so scared, hun?

    Also, good news... in re-reading your original post, I noticed that you said she "wants to hold my hand..." I cannot tell you what a good sign that is.

    Always hold her hand when you're walking through the mall or something. <3

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    Default Re: Need help, Wife is cold and says she does not love me like a wife should.

    She said she's not sure it can be fixed and she is scared. she does not have the same hope as I

    She is not showing the same effort that I can notice as I feel I am putting forth. I know I am pushing he away with my insecurities but I can't help to talk about it.

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    Default Re: Need help, Wife is cold and says she does not love me like a wife should.

    I'm scared she is hurt to bad to forgive me and to let go and not see me though the negative lense
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    Default Re: Need help, Wife is cold and says she does not love me like a wife should.

    Quote Originally Posted by PaddleHard View Post
    I'm scared she is hurt to bad to forgive me and to let go and not see me though the negative lense
    Alright... the best thing you can do is keep working on your critical nature and the ways you've hurt her. If that behavior continues, she is right to be concerned... but you said you're working hard on it, and I believe you! So if that behavior has -ended-, and you are showing her that you have truly changed... than it is going to take some time in order for her to see the consistency in your new behavior. I know you can do it, and the counselor can help.

    I just thought of a verse for you, maybe you can memorize it and say it every hour when you need it, this is it from my NIV Bible: 2 Timothy 1:7 "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." I have also usually heard this verse as, "For God did not give you a spirit of fear, but of power, of love, and of a sound mind."

    Don't be afraid, be -powerful- in a good way, meaning be a leader in the situation... show love to your wife, and show that you have a sound mind about the situation, and self-discipline over yourself!

    Praying for you, PaddleHard... <3

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    Default Re: Need help, Wife is cold and says she does not love me like a wife should.

    Quote Originally Posted by PaddleHard View Post
    I'm scared she is hurt to bad to forgive me and to let go and not see me though the negative lense
    Theres something to be said about hurting, when someone is hurting they are still willing to Love and forgive.

    once a person gets to the point of not hurting, that can lead to not be willing to Love and Forgive.

    have as much patience as you can and continue to show your love for her, so embrace your fear in knowing she hasn't given up yet.
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    Default Re: Need help, Wife is cold and says she does not love me like a wife should.

    Fill the jar. It might take awhile to get the lid off. But as long as she is willing try to get the lid off and fill the jar. Stop acting like she is a friend or room mate and treat her like she's your girlfriend. Ever if her effort is less than yours try it. Work for her...fight for her and don't stop even if it looks pointless.
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    “Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and go do that, because what the worlds needs is people who have come alive.”
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    Default Re: Need help, Wife is cold and says she does not love me like a wife should.

    Quote Originally Posted by Corbinscam View Post
    Fill the jar. It might take awhile to get the lid off. But as long as she is willing try to get the lid off and fill the jar...
    don't stop even if it looks pointless.

    quite the wise anology young man, I admire your statement,

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    Default Re: Need help, Wife is cold and says she does not love me like a wife should.

    Thank you all for the advice. I guess I just want assurances that my marriage will be okay. That is not something anyone can offer. I know that. I have to trust her when she said she is in with both feet.
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    Default Re: Need help, Wife is cold and says she does not love me like a wife should.

    Quote Originally Posted by PaddleHard View Post
    Thank you all for the advice. I guess I just want assurances that my marriage will be okay.
    The only way you will know this for sure is if you both have genuinely obeyed the Gospel and been born again. Which will mean that God and Christ will come first in your lives, and serving Him together will bind you to Him and to each other. And your children also need to know that they are to believe the Gospel and respond to it. If the family is in Christ, you can weather any storm, but if you are outside of Christ then you can expect serious problems.

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    Senior Member Dan58's Avatar
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    Default Re: Need help, Wife is cold and says she does not love me like a wife should.

    Be careful with that transparent stuff, everyone wants it, but sometimes its best to leave the lid on. Don't be needy, demanding, or critical, its all negativity that wears thin.. jmo

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