Am I wrong?

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Lesly

Junior Member
Nov 16, 2017
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#1
Am I wrong for not wanting my ex to see our kids? Well I know it is but I just feel like he doesn't deserve to do so. We have been separated for about a year & a half but he hasn't helped me provide for them. May I add that I have 4 children with him so i have been holding down 2 jobs in order to provide for them. So why should I care about his needs when he doesn't care of theirs.
 

Magenta

Senior Member
Jul 3, 2015
55,248
25,719
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#2
It isn't about your needs or his needs, but the needs of your children.

Their needs should come first.
 
Aug 2, 2009
24,574
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#3
Does he owe you child support? If he does, tell him to pay up if he wants to see his kids. If you think he might harm the kids or take them and run, then you're protecting your kids... nothing wrong with that at all.
 

Prov910

Senior Member
Jan 10, 2017
880
47
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#4
Am I wrong for not wanting my ex to see our kids? Well I know it is but I just feel like he doesn't deserve to do so. We have been separated for about a year & a half but he hasn't helped me provide for them. May I add that I have 4 children with him so i have been holding down 2 jobs in order to provide for them. So why should I care about his needs when he doesn't care of theirs.
I can understand why you think that way—given that he's basically abandoned his own children. Maybe you could ask him why he is coming back around now after a year and a half? And you could explain to him how difficult it has been caring for them and paying for all expenses yourself.

btw, If you are merely separated but not divorced, it might be a good idea to consult an attorney. Not for divorce, but for child support. From what I've read on the Internet your husband has an obligation to provide support to you in either instance—divorce or separation. But without a court order in place he'll likely not ever have to pay if you just have an informal arrangement. (If he just stays away, that is.) With a court order in place it becomes nearly impossible for him to walk away from his financial obligations to his children scott free. To do this you could seek a legal separation with child support. Godspeed to you!
 

MichaelOwen

Senior Member
Nov 6, 2017
909
252
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#6
Is he a Christian man? Does he display the fruits of the Spirit?
 

Joidevivre

Senior Member
Jul 15, 2014
3,838
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#7
My father left my mother when my sister and I were 5 and under for another woman. He never paid alimony. But kudos to my mother who never told me about it and never said one bad thing about him EVER to us.

And she encouraged as many visits as he could do. She knew that children need both parents (no matter how wrong one of them is).
 
Feb 5, 2017
1,118
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#8
Unless he is a threat to them, why cut him off? He might be useless, so to say, but maybe he can learn something from trying to be a father, and at the same time, the children have their father around.

I think many women cut off their child's father on separation, but it is usually for selfish purposes. Ask yourself whether it is selfish; that includes saying you are doing it because the other person is selfish, or thinking you want someone else to be a better father to them, or that you don't want to be associated with him.

You can't change who their father is. You had kids with him, he's connected to you forever.
 

NotmebutHim

Senior Member
May 17, 2015
2,917
1,589
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#9
Unless he is a threat to them, why cut him off? He might be useless, so to say, but maybe he can learn something from trying to be a father, and at the same time, the children have their father around.

I think many women cut off their child's father on separation, but it is usually for selfish purposes. Ask yourself whether it is selfish; that includes saying you are doing it because the other person is selfish, or thinking you want someone else to be a better father to them, or that you don't want to be associated with him.

You can't change who their father is. You had kids with him, he's connected to you forever.
+1

Couldn't have said it any better. :cool:
 

notuptome

Senior Member
May 17, 2013
15,050
2,538
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#10
Leave him to God. Do not seek vengeance on him. Do good to him so he feels like the infidel that Gods word declares him to be.

For the cause of Christ
Roger
 

Dan58

Senior Member
Nov 13, 2013
1,991
337
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#11
Legally, at least in most states, visitation rights are not contingent upon whether he's paying child support. You ought to get divorced to establish child support, then the state may help attempt to secure child support (garnish wages).

If he's working, he ought to help; "But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel." (1 Timothy 5:8)
 
Last edited:

Tommy379

Notorious Member
Jan 12, 2016
7,589
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#12
You are absolutely wrong.
 
Feb 28, 2016
11,311
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#13
is this what we have learned is a 'dead-beat-dad'?
one of those fellows who randomly goes around knocking-up
all of the women that he can, reap, and then try to 'collect' from the state?

who knows, but he definitely sounds like a 'real loser', especially
concerning his children...'

just do the best that you can, and hopefully you have some kind of family
that will help you to get by...

he has forfeited his 'rights' to the world..., much less to his 'off-spring',,.

so sorry for your children, and yourself, but, definitely 'move-on'.,.
 

DiscipleDave

Senior Member
Sep 4, 2012
3,095
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#14
Am I wrong for not wanting my ex to see our kids? Well I know it is but I just feel like he doesn't deserve to do so. We have been separated for about a year & a half but he hasn't helped me provide for them. May I add that I have 4 children with him so i have been holding down 2 jobs in order to provide for them. So why should I care about his needs when he doesn't care of theirs.
Are we not commanded to love one another? Are we not commanded to love our enemies? It is understandable to be upset with Him for not helping you with the kids. But do you think it is good that your kids grow up not knowing their Dad? Is He bad to them? Do you feel He will put those kids in danger? Did He leave you, or did you leave him? Who decided to end the marriage denying the kids from having a Dad and Mom to raise them and be in their life. Does Dad have a job? Is Dad have a drug problem? What caused the divorce? Why all of a sudden does he want to see the kids? Has he changed? What is his reasoning for not paying child support? Too many question, to many variables to give an accurate answer to your question.


^i^

††† In His Holy and Precious Name, Jesus Christ †††

DiscipleDave
 

jenniferand2

Senior Member
Mar 19, 2016
1,433
33
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#15
Am I wrong for not wanting my ex to see our kids? Well I know it is but I just feel like he doesn't deserve to do so. We have been separated for about a year & a half but he hasn't helped me provide for them. May I add that I have 4 children with him so i have been holding down 2 jobs in order to provide for them. So why should I care about his needs when he doesn't care of theirs.

Yes you are very wrong for not letting him see them.. Never hold your children from a parent unless they are extremely dangerous.. I have seen first hand the damage this causes children. You are going to majorly mess those kids up... I do not care if he only sees them for a few hours a week you need to let him see them.......... fight out your money issues in a court that is what they are for.... I know you are angry about him not helping financially but start with letting him see the kids and maybe if he feels like he has time with them he will actually try to pay child support... mark my words I have two very angry adult children now who were affected by this same situation and they hold a huge amount of guilt anger and hurt on their shoulders now. it has changed them big time and not for the good. Also do not speak bad about their father to them either please you children are smart enough to make up their own minds about their feelings about their father they do not need to hear anyone bashing him.... please my situation was uncontrollable had I had the control it would have been different my children were taken by family members when they were very young with a promise I would get them back quickly.. All lies My mother and her sister lied to courts about me and their fathers. I was made to visit my children only supervised and they were not allowed to see their fathers at all.. So if anyone knows how badly this gets to kids it is me because it is now 15 years later and my kids are majorly pissed off and after finding out the truth they are even more hurt and angry....
 

mcubed

Senior Member
Dec 20, 2013
1,449
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#16
If you keep your children from their father they will hate you. Money is a whole different animal, take him to court. He is doing you wrong, don't do your children wrong to get back at him.

I was a singles mom. I know what I am talking about. Today my son has nothing to do with his father, by his choice,sadly, but from the time my son was born I took him to the prison to bond with his dad and when he got out every weekend I drove over an hour to take my son to him. Never seen a dime. In 2012 I got a Mastercard from franklin county child support for over $30,000 18 years of child support. It seams they went after him even when I did not, does not pay to go to prison and have the state take care of your child, they (the state took theirs then give the rest to me). My son thinks I'm wonderful because to this day I have never called his dad a bad word (in front of him).

Don't be the bad "guy" to your children the father can do that himself. Do you want your children to hate you or him? Who knows maybe he may just turn out to be a good dad, G-d willing. He needs prayer. But please do not punish your children, I would give anything if my son had a dad who wanted to be with him!!
 

Huckleberry

Senior Member
Aug 25, 2013
1,698
96
48
#17
Am I wrong for not wanting my ex to see our kids? Well I know it is but I just feel like he doesn't deserve to do so. We have been separated for about a year & a half but he hasn't helped me provide for them. May I add that I have 4 children with him so i have been holding down 2 jobs in order to provide for them. So why should I care about his needs when he doesn't care of theirs.
If he wants to see them, he should see them.
If you want child support (and who
wouldn't?) you need to force the issue.
If he won't pay promptly and voluntarily, the
state needs to be barking up his tree yesterday!
If you don't go after him then it's
your fault you have to work two jobs.
 

Lesly

Junior Member
Nov 16, 2017
2
0
0
#18
Before we seperated i had spoken to him on how i would like for us to be friends after we seperate for the kids sake. Yet he is the one that played me wrong, i gave him plenty of chances! He has probly seen his kids about 3 times and thats because thats how he has wanted things to be. He has had a real good job and i have asked him repeatedly to help me and never asked for much. But he would always say he would but that he was barely making it and was just starting to stabilize yet he would get my 2 week gross in 1 week . I just dont see why he cant help out . Like i had nothing to worry about my bills and having to clothe and feed 4 kids, i guess i had it made huh lol And i dont appreciate him making promises to them that he wont keep. I guess i am mad at him as well for calling my kids and telling them about all the things he has been up to and going places with his new partner, my oldest daughter whos also going thru depression sees how im struggling yet he doesnt help. I have also tried getting child support but if its not one thing its another yet nothing has been resolved.
 

jenniferand2

Senior Member
Mar 19, 2016
1,433
33
48
#19
Before we seperated i had spoken to him on how i would like for us to be friends after we seperate for the kids sake. Yet he is the one that played me wrong, i gave him plenty of chances! He has probly seen his kids about 3 times and thats because thats how he has wanted things to be. He has had a real good job and i have asked him repeatedly to help me and never asked for much. But he would always say he would but that he was barely making it and was just starting to stabilize yet he would get my 2 week gross in 1 week . I just dont see why he cant help out . Like i had nothing to worry about my bills and having to clothe and feed 4 kids, i guess i had it made huh lol And i dont appreciate him making promises to them that he wont keep. I guess i am mad at him as well for calling my kids and telling them about all the things he has been up to and going places with his new partner, my oldest daughter whos also going thru depression sees how im struggling yet he doesnt help. I have also tried getting child support but if its not one thing its another yet nothing has been resolved.
go to the court for child support... stop trying to get it on your own... give him a chance to see his children if he does not come around or keep his promises etc.. they will see this they will know and can make up their minds on their own... You have to put your anger and what not aside and make a unclouded choice about this. This is your children they should not be held from their parent unless they say they do not want to go or the father is a danger.. excuse my language but an assH&^is not an excuse to be held from his kids lol. They like i said will make up their minds about him later on in life. However if they find out you stropped them from having a relationship with him you will be the one they hate and are angry with trust me,...
 
Aug 8, 2017
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4
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#20
Am I wrong for not wanting my ex to see our kids? Well I know it is but I just feel like he doesn't deserve to do so. We have been separated for about a year & a half but he hasn't helped me provide for them. May I add that I have 4 children with him so i have been holding down 2 jobs in order to provide for them. So why should I care about his needs when he doesn't care of theirs.

Would you want someone to take your mother or father out of your life if they wanted to in it?