Prayers and help with dealing with my father in-law.

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Dec 15, 2017
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[h=2][FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif]I want to set some background for this post. I'm a 45 year old Native American/Mexican male. My wife is a 44 year old Chinese/German female. We are both in our second marriage, and this February will be our second anniversary. My father in-law is 68 Germany decent raised in the Carolina's. The three of us are Christian's, i'm not sure what faith my wife's step father is?[/FONT]



I’m trying to figure out if what I did is right or wrong. Last year at Christmas we had my wife’s family over for gift exchange and dinner. I put my gifts aside and waited to open them once they were all collected together. I started opening my gifts and got to a small vertical box that had an orange alabaster and steel knife. I held the knife to gage the weight and sturdiness of the knife. My father in-law at the other side of the kitchen island noticed that I had the knife that he gave me in my hand.






He said “Do you know why I gave you that knife?” I said “No, but I do like it and thank you.” He said “It’s because you are an Indian. You people should anyways have a good knife.”




My wife's step-father in-law in the meantime piped in a joking manner: “It’s so that he can scalp you.”




My father in-law continued with a story about a Native American friend of his: “You people have …” His stories continued for about 5 minutes, and he kept referring to me as “you people”. As of that point I never realized that I was different to my father in-law. I didn’t realize that he had categorized me as something else other than an equal. As he kept telling his story and referring to me as “you people”, I held my tongue and just acted as if I was okay with everything. My wife was busy with things, and like a majority of the time is absent with things around her. Her sister noticed what her dad was saying and gave me a “I can’t believe he is saying that look”. I was so worked up because I’m his son (his son in-law) a member in his family. I wanted to correct him and ask him to leave if he couldn’t correct things, because he was insulting me in my home.




The night went on and my father in-law stayed in my house for a couple more hours. I walked him to his car, and pondered if I should tell him how I felt with his comments. Instead I wished him well and a Merry Christmas. I felt uneasy about the whole ordeal, and kept it to myself. I prayed that night asking God what I should do, and that I should be patient and level headed.




The next morning… The wife needed to stop and do an exchange, and I waited in the car for her return. I kept thinking about what had happened in the evening and decided to call my father in-law. What I said is what made things go wrong. I opened up with salutations and he asked what was going on. I told him “Last night I was really upset with you, and almost asked you to leave the house.” I explained to him about the “You people” and “scalping” comment, at first I thought it was him that made the reference of scalping. He told me that it wasn’t him that made the “scalping” comment. He then told me that my wife has “Indian” inside of her. It’s not so much that he said “Indian”, but I have corrected him in the past that it is “American Indian or Native American.” The conversation turns for the worst, he gets worked up about the situation and then tells me “I don’t have to be politically correct to anyone, in fact I won’t come over to your house again.” Before I could say anything he hung up the phone on me. I didn’t call him back to resolve anything because you just sparked like a firecracker and hung up, I figured it would be best to let him cool down a bit.




20 minutes later… We drove to my mother in-law and I hadn’t said a word to my wife about what just had happened with her dad. When we arrived I asked that her stepdad and myself step out side and have a private conversation. I explained to him what happened, he immediately apologized about making the scalping comment. He then said it was distasteful on his behalf, and should have not made the comment. I asked him what I should do about my father in-law? He told me that he was known to have a temper, and that was a reason why my wife’s parents are no longer married. His advise was to not say anything and let things blow over, that my father in-law will get over it.




Four months later… I forgot about the issue, and just put it aside because I normally don’t have contact with my father in-law. Although, I knew that my wife was in contact with her dad weekly. There was a time that my father in-law need to travel to the next town. He doesn’t trust his driving and asked my wife to help with the drive. He refused to come to the house other than to pick up my wife, but would not come inside. I wasn’t home so I know this from my wife’s narrative. During the drive with my wife, my father in-law tells her why he’s not stepping into our home again. He said that I was very disrespectful for talking to him about Christmas. When my wife got home she was fuming, I explained what had happened but she wouldn’t calm down. I told her that I don’t have an issue with him coming into our home. I feel that I never got resolution other than him hanging the phone up on me. Also if she wants me to I’ll be happy to talk to him to clear top the situation. She told me that he doesn’t want to talk to me. My wife was on his side, and told me that night how much of an A-hole I was. That how could I get offended by the use of “Indian”. I told her that my issues wasn’t about “Indian” it was about “you people” and knowing that he categorized me as something else.




The holidays… I’m reliving the whole issue again about last Christmas. So much so that my Father in-law refused to spend Thanksgiving with us. He doesn’t want to come over for Christmas. My wife told me the other night that she is going to ask her mom to host Christmas at her house. In addition that she doesn’t want me to attend, because her dad will be there. She said that I should do something with my dad and brothers. I told once again that don’t have an issue with talking to her dad and to rectify the issue. She told me absolutely not, because that would just cause more of an issue. :-|




I’m hurt and torn and the moment. I needed to stand my ground, for someone (anyone) causing an issue in our household. I waited and gave things sometime rather than reacting that night, which would have been a lot worst.




I talked to my wife about the situation last night, I told her that I would like to talk to her father. I’m asking for prayers and some guidance on how to talk with my father in-law. PRAYERS and HELP!
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tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
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#2
Congrats on your upcoming second anniversary of marriage. I just celebrated my third.

I would forgive your father-in-law his prejudice, bias, and misconceptions. Pray for God to heal the rift that has developed between you and your father-in-law. Yeah, you get married and there is always the in-laws. I understand about these things having been married twice before. We all carry our baggage into any prospective relationship, the older you are the more baggage you carry.

Yeah, sometimes the wife sticks up for her daddy. This is too be expected but in the end she must fully support her husband. This will take time.

Nice knife though, huh?

There are 'you people', and 'their people' and 'those people'. It has always been thus. "Can't we all get along?". Somebody said that in Los Angeles once. Not the sharpest knife in the sheath but something worth considering. No reflection on 'his people'.

Glad to have you join us. Welcome to CC.
 
Dec 15, 2017
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I have been praying, and the Lord has weighed on my heart to contact my father in-law. I don't want the conversation to be argumentative on you said, I said. I read through Galatians 2 on how Paul talked to Peter about being prejudice. I don't want to be laying the foundations of our faith to my father in-law, other than telling him know that we are Christians. God's plan for us is to love one another.

Maybe I'm over thinking this way too much, and just need to talk to him.

In all honesty I haven't looked at the knife since last Christmas. It sits in it's box in the office closet.

Thank you for having me at CC.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#4
He made jokes at your expense and didn't like your bringing it up. As you can see by the above post most people say that jerks should be allowed to be jerks. I don't know why so many people are complacent about such things. But the attitude is encouraged and then wonder why there are so many jerks.

Who knows what this guys Real issue with you is. It's obviously not what it seems to be. He started making racist comments and got mad at you for being bothered by it.
Sixty-eight puts him in that age range where racist attitudes were more prevalent.

One thing that clearly set him off was your PC speech. You downplay it when others bring it up, but you Did say something to him about it, so trying to dismiss it now, well, it's too late. You said it.

For me the bigger problem i see is not your father in law, but your wife. Chances are the family is used to dad being a jerk and have gotten used to it, so when someone challenges his jerk behavior the family takes offense. The problem that poses for you is your wife is choosing her father over you, and therefore not following the biblical standard for marriage. As this situation inevitably continues she will continually side against you. Resolution? I'm not sure. But you're better off focusing on your wife and marriage and fixing that than worrying about some old racist snowflake looking for an excuse to make his dislike for you obvious.
 
D

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#5
I want to set some background for this post. I'm a 45 year old Native American/Mexican male. My wife is a 44 year old Chinese/German female. We are both in our second marriage, and this February will be our second anniversary. My father in-law is 68 Germany decent raised in the Carolina's. The three of us are Christian's, i'm not sure what faith my wife's step father is?



I’m trying to figure out if what I did is right or wrong. Last year at Christmas we had my wife’s family over for gift exchange and dinner. I put my gifts aside and waited to open them once they were all collected together. I started opening my gifts and got to a small vertical box that had an orange alabaster and steel knife. I held the knife to gage the weight and sturdiness of the knife. My father in-law at the other side of the kitchen island noticed that I had the knife that he gave me in my hand.






He said “Do you know why I gave you that knife?” I said “No, but I do like it and thank you.” He said “It’s because you are an Indian. You people should anyways have a good knife.”




My wife's step-father in-law in the meantime piped in a joking manner: “It’s so that he can scalp you.”




My father in-law continued with a story about a Native American friend of his: “You people have …” His stories continued for about 5 minutes, and he kept referring to me as “you people”. As of that point I never realized that I was different to my father in-law. I didn’t realize that he had categorized me as something else other than an equal. As he kept telling his story and referring to me as “you people”, I held my tongue and just acted as if I was okay with everything. My wife was busy with things, and like a majority of the time is absent with things around her. Her sister noticed what her dad was saying and gave me a “I can’t believe he is saying that look”. I was so worked up because I’m his son (his son in-law) a member in his family. I wanted to correct him and ask him to leave if he couldn’t correct things, because he was insulting me in my home.




The night went on and my father in-law stayed in my house for a couple more hours. I walked him to his car, and pondered if I should tell him how I felt with his comments. Instead I wished him well and a Merry Christmas. I felt uneasy about the whole ordeal, and kept it to myself. I prayed that night asking God what I should do, and that I should be patient and level headed.




The next morning… The wife needed to stop and do an exchange, and I waited in the car for her return. I kept thinking about what had happened in the evening and decided to call my father in-law. What I said is what made things go wrong. I opened up with salutations and he asked what was going on. I told him “Last night I was really upset with you, and almost asked you to leave the house.” I explained to him about the “You people” and “scalping” comment, at first I thought it was him that made the reference of scalping. He told me that it wasn’t him that made the “scalping” comment. He then told me that my wife has “Indian” inside of her. It’s not so much that he said “Indian”, but I have corrected him in the past that it is “American Indian or Native American.” The conversation turns for the worst, he gets worked up about the situation and then tells me “I don’t have to be politically correct to anyone, in fact I won’t come over to your house again.” Before I could say anything he hung up the phone on me. I didn’t call him back to resolve anything because you just sparked like a firecracker and hung up, I figured it would be best to let him cool down a bit.




20 minutes later… We drove to my mother in-law and I hadn’t said a word to my wife about what just had happened with her dad. When we arrived I asked that her stepdad and myself step out side and have a private conversation. I explained to him what happened, he immediately apologized about making the scalping comment. He then said it was distasteful on his behalf, and should have not made the comment. I asked him what I should do about my father in-law? He told me that he was known to have a temper, and that was a reason why my wife’s parents are no longer married. His advise was to not say anything and let things blow over, that my father in-law will get over it.




Four months later… I forgot about the issue, and just put it aside because I normally don’t have contact with my father in-law. Although, I knew that my wife was in contact with her dad weekly. There was a time that my father in-law need to travel to the next town. He doesn’t trust his driving and asked my wife to help with the drive. He refused to come to the house other than to pick up my wife, but would not come inside. I wasn’t home so I know this from my wife’s narrative. During the drive with my wife, my father in-law tells her why he’s not stepping into our home again. He said that I was very disrespectful for talking to him about Christmas. When my wife got home she was fuming, I explained what had happened but she wouldn’t calm down. I told her that I don’t have an issue with him coming into our home. I feel that I never got resolution other than him hanging the phone up on me. Also if she wants me to I’ll be happy to talk to him to clear top the situation. She told me that he doesn’t want to talk to me. My wife was on his side, and told me that night how much of an A-hole I was. That how could I get offended by the use of “Indian”. I told her that my issues wasn’t about “Indian” it was about “you people” and knowing that he categorized me as something else.




The holidays… I’m reliving the whole issue again about last Christmas. So much so that my Father in-law refused to spend Thanksgiving with us. He doesn’t want to come over for Christmas. My wife told me the other night that she is going to ask her mom to host Christmas at her house. In addition that she doesn’t want me to attend, because her dad will be there. She said that I should do something with my dad and brothers. I told once again that don’t have an issue with talking to her dad and to rectify the issue. She told me absolutely not, because that would just cause more of an issue. :-|




I’m hurt and torn and the moment. I needed to stand my ground, for someone (anyone) causing an issue in our household. I waited and gave things sometime rather than reacting that night, which would have been a lot worst.




I talked to my wife about the situation last night, I told her that I would like to talk to her father. I’m asking for prayers and some guidance on how to talk with my father in-law. PRAYERS and HELP!
So when you talked to God something-something about patient and level-headed. Who was telling whom to be patient and level-headed? Because I didn't see either in your actions.

Level-headed. You were raised in the 80s. He was raised much earlier. (I'm thinking 40's to 60's.)

In 1983, hubby and I took one of our group-home boys on vacation with us to Canada. The owners of the cabins we went to were roughly your FIL's age. And much to our shock and amusement, one talked to us about "the colored boy" with us. Amused, because no one called blacks "colored" in the States by the 80's, but this wasn't the States and he was an older fellow. Even the teen was amused by this word, because he truly understood it was not a put down. It was what these particular people at that particular time called people of his biological makeup.

You were neither patient nor level-headed. Truthfully, your FIL was honored to have you as a son, and proved it by giving you that knife, a knife he thought would mean more to you than it did. And, a knife by your own admission was an above-average knife. Proved it to you by spending 5 minutes explaining the significance of this gift. He didn't use the PC words? How about that. It happens. I just called a teenager I knew both "black" and "boy." Truthfully, PCism keeps changing, so after changing our vocabulary a few times, we just get tired of keeping up with it.

My husband gets a kick out of me because I never understand the ancestry of people by their last names. Sometimes he explains actions of neighbors or celebrities by telling me what culture they came from, and it never dawned on me that had anything to do with it. He notices. I don't.

Your FIL notices. You don't. (And, honestly, you do very much, since you knew the entire ancestry of your kin and your wife's kin.) You wanted to be an equal? Nope. Too late. He had raised you above being an equal by giving you a knife that meant so much to him. And you let him know he isn't equal to you because he uses old-people talk for ancestral connections -- aka "you people" and "Indian."

Add to this, you just let this heat up for a year, before you noticed you have to deal with the holidays now. Neither patient nor level-headed.

She's your wife! Of course her family matters to her. And because her family matters to her, it was supposed to matter to you. You talked once and it didn't go right? No kidding. You told him everything you did wrong without seeing anything you did as wrong. You backed him into a corner with no way out.

According to my MIL, I was a gold-digger. Pretty funny, if you knew my family. But was I hurt by that? Of course not, particularly since when I married him, I was much poorer than he was. (My family is rich. Different than I'm rich. lol) So, if she saw me as a gold-digger she was free to think that until I proved differently. Just as your FIL was free to think of you as "you people" until you proved otherwise.

All you did was make sure you never needed to prove otherwise. You shut the door on him and his family. You shut the door on your own wife.

Man up! The holidays are here. And you have yet to accept not everyone grew up in the 80s. You owe your FIL an apology for not understanding he's older. Worse yet, for putting him down for giving a gift that meant so much to him.
 
Dec 15, 2017
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"One thing that clearly set him off was your PC speech. You downplay it when others bring it up, but you Did say something to him about it, so trying to dismiss it now, well, it's too late. You said it."

I was clear and to the facts with my father in-law. I told him that I didn't like how he kept referring to me as "you people", because of me not being any different. I'm not downplaying my actions here, my father in-law is the one that brought up the "Politically Correct" comment.

Yes, my relationship with my wife is the bigger issue here. We are constantly auguring with one another. I'm asking here to help put God first in our marriage, but she refuses and has excuses. I'm frighten where things are going in our marriage, due to lack of respect in our marriage from her.

 
Dec 15, 2017
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Lynn,
Thank you for your response. I appreciate hearing your point of view of this from someone in my FIL generational age. I never though about is as me pushing him into a corner, since I'm normally one that is clam and patient with people. In fact, my FIL commented that I have the patients of Job. I do respect my FIL, and wasn't distasteful with talking to him. It's as I said he has a firecracker mentality, I see that in my wife as well.

I forgot to mention that my FIL has told me that he has Native American lineage in him as well. Which means that my wife has Native American quantum as well. With that being said why wasn't the words "Us people" being used?
 
D

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#8
Lynn,
Thank you for your response. I appreciate hearing your point of view of this from someone in my FIL generational age. I never though about is as me pushing him into a corner, since I'm normally one that is clam and patient with people. In fact, my FIL commented that I have the patients of Job. I do respect my FIL, and wasn't distasteful with talking to him. It's as I said he has a firecracker mentality, I see that in my wife as well.

I forgot to mention that my FIL has told me that he has Native American lineage in him as well. Which means that my wife has Native American quantum as well. With that being said why wasn't the words "Us people" being used?
Grammatically incorrect? It just doesn't sound right. lol

Honestly, he is probably seeing you as a little extra special because he just has a little Indian in him, and you have more. (And, sorry. I know you want to be called American Indian or Native American, but being a transplant I keep wondering how long I have to live somewhere before I'm considered native. And, I would call you an American Indian, except there are no Indian Indians in this conversation yet to confuse which kind of Indian you are. AND, you also have Mexican in you, so I'm left wondering if that means you come from Mayans, Aztecs, or whoever. I really do get your roots are more American than my roots, so I'm a bit like your FIL. My family hasn't settled into one place for the last 200-400 years, so a family that stays where they come from rather impresses me.)

You really can tell him "you people" bothers you. What you didn't do was tell why it bothers you. You told him why he shouldn't do it. If you want to get through to someone, don't tell what he did wrong. Tell how you feel/think about it. You. Personally. How it affects you.

Then he gets to decide what he will do with that information. And you get to decide what you want to do about him based on his decisions, instead of his obedience.

(Also works for wives. I'm really not into being told what to do or how to act, but if hubby let's me know how what I do affects him, then I will change if it bothers him. But I get to decide how I change, rather than be ordered into changing.)
 
Dec 15, 2017
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Lynn,
My phone broke today, I was hoping to make the phone call to him today. The replacement comes in tomorrow, and I'll give him a call. I'll keep things positive, and tell him how I felt. Not that I'm asking my FIL to change, just to mind his words.

Thank you for putting things into perspective.

Funny thing is that I had a similar conversation with a co-worker today about generational gap diversity. I told him that I come from a military up brining, where diversity came from all areas. Even though I'm Native American/Mexican decent I was born in northern California. When I had moved to reservation/community in my early childhood, that's when I was introduced to racism. My english was different, my demeanor, and my skin complexion from the community members around me. I told my coworker that it's impossible to change the past, but that we can educate the future about living with diversity.
 

Huckleberry

Senior Member
Aug 25, 2013
1,698
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#10
The night went on and my father in-law stayed in my house for a couple more hours. I walked him to his car, and pondered if I should tell him how I felt with his comments. Instead I wished him well and a Merry Christmas. I felt uneasy about the whole ordeal, and kept it to myself. I prayed that night asking God what I should do, and that I should be patient and level headed.
I think God answered your prayer before you prayed it.
My advice would be to simply apologize to your
FIL and never be anything other than polite to him.
You don't have to be his buddy, just be polite.
 
Dec 15, 2017
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I still ponder, why am I apologizing?
I feel that the apology needs to come both ways.
If it takes for me to apologize first, I don't have an issue of doing that.

God just wants our household to be strong and happy.
 

notmyown

Senior Member
May 26, 2016
4,586
1,047
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#12
I still ponder, why am I apologizing?
I feel that the apology needs to come both ways.
If it takes for me to apologize first, I don't have an issue of doing that.

God just wants our household to be strong and happy.
well, here's how i see it. you can't go with "the apology needs to come both ways" because you're only in charge of you.
as believers, we need to do what's right, and not count an offense against anyone. it's hard sometimes, but that forgiveness, including not considering an offense as a debt that has to be paid, is our responsibility.

that said, my husband is 68, a second generation American of German and Hungarian decent, and he would never, ever speak to anyone the way you described. never having met him, i don't know if your father-in-law just has poor social skills?

whatever the case, i urge you to try to make things right with your wife. i'm not willing to lay blame at any door, just saying the marriage is important.

may the Lord help you.
 
Dec 15, 2017
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#13
You are absolutely right about making things right with my wife. I have been working on things with her, and have been to going to biblical counseling but she doesn't make any effort. We tried the circular counseling, and social forces infringe way too much.

This morning i held her, and asked if she could just hold me for a minute.
What an ordeal it was for her to do so.
She was so concern that there would be time wasted because of the water heater having to heat things up again.

I whispered in her ear before I left for work.
"I want to create something beautiful between us, something long lasting."
"I want to show you how much I love you, because I love you".

Her response was "where is the dog, is he still outside?"

Sorry to vent here, just my efforts are not noticed or reciprocated.
 
D

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#14
Lynn,
My phone broke today, I was hoping to make the phone call to him today. The replacement comes in tomorrow, and I'll give him a call. I'll keep things positive, and tell him how I felt. Not that I'm asking my FIL to change, just to mind his words.

Thank you for putting things into perspective.

Funny thing is that I had a similar conversation with a co-worker today about generational gap diversity. I told him that I come from a military up brining, where diversity came from all areas. Even though I'm Native American/Mexican decent I was born in northern California. When I had moved to reservation/community in my early childhood, that's when I was introduced to racism. My english was different, my demeanor, and my skin complexion from the community members around me. I told my coworker that it's impossible to change the past, but that we can educate the future about living with diversity.
Northern California used to be Mexico, sort of. (Might have been in the days before Mexico was called Mexico.) It may well have been another people took over where your people came from originally. (Hey, can't think of any other words but "your people" in that sentence. lol) Before the Europeans showed up, boundary lines were bendable, and yet, each people had their part of the landscape. And they fought over that. Alas, Europeans had something the locals did not have -- quantity. And when quantity is so overwhelming it does just that -- overwhelms.

One other thing we older generations have that the younger generations seems to want to stop. "Melting Pot." America has been a melting pot since Columbus first landed. Now younger generations say they want diversity. To me, that's like trying to get salt out of the pot of water. It can't be done. Salt has become one with the water. Add vegetables and meat, and you have a good stew going. Each part of the stew has some inkling of where it came from, but it's not stew without all the parts.

I know where my ancestors come from. The closest I get to immigrants is my grandfather's great grandfather left Ireland 20 years before there was a potato famine. We lost the reason why in our history. We also lost why he chose salt mines in New York state for a place to live and work.

On another side of my family tree the Duke of Buckingham said something to Henry the VIII, or did something, or simply had land Henry wanted, (the why has been lost there too), so Henry beheaded him. And when his grandson asked the king of his generation to get the family land back, he lost his head too, so the family decided it was time to leave, and took the first boat out. The Mayflower. So, I know my family history, but "diversity?" Nah, not really. My family already melted into the stew. (Maybe I'm a potato or salt. I forgot. lol) In my mind, I'm a purebred American mutt. That is my diversity.

And, truthfully, you're not as much into diversity as you think either. If diversity by ethnicity was really that important to you, wouldn't you have married someone from your ethnic background? (If I was a tad bit older, I would have used "you people" right there, but "you people" is closer to my Dad's generation than mine. lol)

I do get why ancestry is important. I am proud of my great-great-great-great-great grandfather for having the pioneering spirit to hop a boat before a famine forced him out. I'm proud of that ancestor finally smart enough to understand we're not ever getting that land back, so find some more land. And I'm proud of the ancestor who braved it all the way out to western New York state back when that meant living in the frontier. So, I do get diversity. But I also like being a potato in a stew that we now call America.

I don't want the ancestry to disappear, but I do love that I helped add onto it, by marrying a man who knows his father was the one who had to learn American quickly as a boy because his Polish parents had to communicate to people in this new land.

The older the person, the more connected they are into the memory of how they became American. Your FIL is connected. He's bringing you into that connection. Not 21st century words. 20th century words. And one of the 20th century words is "melting pot." :)
 
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Guest
#15
What Notmyown says for why to apologize and how.
well, here's how i see it. you can't go with "the apology needs to come both ways" because you're only in charge of you.
as believers, we need to do what's right, and not count an offense against anyone. it's hard sometimes, but that forgiveness, including not considering an offense as a debt that has to be paid, is our responsibility.

that said, my husband is 68, a second generation American of German and Hungarian decent, and he would never, ever speak to anyone the way you described. never having met him, i don't know if your father-in-law just has poor social skills?

whatever the case, i urge you to try to make things right with your wife. i'm not willing to lay blame at any door, just saying the marriage is important.

may the Lord help you.
Dad is one of those old-timers who never did get changing language. So was hubby's dad.

To this day, Dad still calls my brother "my boy." My brother is 64 years old. lol

We call them "The Archie Bunker types." If you watch Archie closely, he does change mentally. He just never completely got over what he was raised with.


[video=youtube;5Ys3yVu42ZI]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Ys3yVu42ZI[/video]
 
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#16
You are absolutely right about making things right with my wife. I have been working on things with her, and have been to going to biblical counseling but she doesn't make any effort. We tried the circular counseling, and social forces infringe way too much.

This morning i held her, and asked if she could just hold me for a minute.
What an ordeal it was for her to do so.
She was so concern that there would be time wasted because of the water heater having to heat things up again.

I whispered in her ear before I left for work.
"I want to create something beautiful between us, something long lasting."
"I want to show you how much I love you, because I love you".

Her response was "where is the dog, is he still outside?"

Sorry to vent here, just my efforts are not noticed or reciprocated.
But you married someone who isn't like you. Let her be not-like-you. You're still telling her what she should do. She should hold you. She should enjoy the moment. Maybe so, but she's worried about the water getting cold and if the dog is okay.

You seem like the type of guy who would put up with cold water and a lost dog. So isn't it good you married someone who will worry about what you don't worry about? Between the two of you, you can handle more things getting resolved.

I'm, by nature, not a toucher. Hubby found that out while we were still dating, and he saw me in a convenient's store and tried to surprise me from behind. Good thing he had quick reflex, because my reflex went straight to trying to elbow the idiot behind me in the ribs. :eek: He would like to cuddle while watching TV, but I like freedom with my arms and cuddling is kind of restrictive. (Hard to scratch my side, when it's leaning against his ribs. lol) Because he didn't try to change who I am, yet told me who he is, I did become someone who would sneak up behind him to hug him. (Can't anymore. He has bad balance.) I did become someone who would head right for him for a kiss. I do hold hands. AND, he makes darn sure I know it's him when he comes up behind me for a hug or a pat. lol
 

Angela53510

Senior Member
Jan 24, 2011
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#17
Sorry I did not see this earlier. I can understand why this would have really upset you.

BUT, being German is a whole different ball of wax. I am studying German in college right now. The professor talks about her piggy, chauvinist German father, who wouldn’t even speak proper German, even though he knew how, because he was the man and didn’t have to.

My MIL is German, and my daughter married in a German family. Germans are for the Germans. Now, that is not all of them. We went to a German Baptist church, and the women were wonderful people. But they were all very strong Christians, many had spent their lives on the mission field. They understood cultural differences. But when I said I wanted to learn German again, they were thrilled to make me one of their own. I listened to their stories of escaping the Russians and the end of WWII, and coming to Canada. They lived through some very hard times.

So, yes your FIL was racist. No doubt about it. But, I also think he was clueless, especially for a man who married a Chinese woman. You said you are an engineer, and obviously that is not enough for him. But, he is German! So, don’t take it too hard.

My MIL used to give me a hard time when she came to visit, because I didn’t serve potatoes every meal. She got plainly racist towards me. I finally told her that both her son and I had been raised eating meat and potatoes every day, and we hated potatoes. She was totally shocked. That such a staple of German food wasn’t dearly loved! I was reminded of it today, when we had a Christmas dinner at her long term care facility. Her plate was full, but she ate the potatoes first, before touching anything else! I just don’t let it worry me, anymore!
 
Dec 15, 2017
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#18
Angela, thank you for your post.

I had asked for prayer at the men's bible study group this evening. I feel encouraged to stand my ground now, and to provide scripture to my father in -law. ACTS 17:26. oddly there are others in the group that have gone through similar situations. Some gave witness too where the person causing issues are today. I'm trying to make amends with my FIL, because I don't want him to be alone this Christmas.
 
Jan 5, 2017
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#19
That is a hard place to be in and I’m sorry. I understand why you said what you said, however I agree with a pp that you always need to consider the source of the problem. He is what he is not only because of choices he has made but because he is a product of his growing up time. How do you fix this? Only by prayer, I think, and a humble apology – if and when you can manage to feel one is owed. You can give grace, you can overlook in love. A bigger problem seems to me to be that your wife is not on your side. Have you considered counseling? Just a thought. I have prayed for you. Best wishes.
 
Dec 15, 2017
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#20
Hi everyone!
Thank you for the prayers and guidance with this topic.
I tried calling my FIL, a few times and he would send me to voice mail.
Finally, he called me back. :)

I told him it's been close to a year since we have talked and I don't care to rehash out what happened, it's behind us now. I told him that he needs to be with family, that his grandchildren need him, his daughters, as well as me. That he is welcomed into my home, and that I don't have any issues with him. That I want to see him more, and that he needs to be active in our home life.

He apologized and said he was giving me space since he's old and offended me.

I invited him to church this Christmas eve, and for him to come and see the play and refreshments. Also that I want to see him at the house for Christmas dinner.

I ended the call a bit choked up, and I can hear it in his voice as well. I told him that I love him, and that things are good.


Thank you Jesus for listening to mind and everyone's prayer.