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Thread: marriage betrayal

  1. #1
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    Default marriage betrayal

    Over the new years weekend, I found out that my husband has been "cheating" on me.... followed by a repentance, & him crying and begging me not to leave ... he's very sorry for hurting me so deeply, but is he REALLY sorry for what he was involved in? (sending pictures of his penis to ex girlfriends and them sending pictures, videos and other things that thankfully I didn't want to SEE). I was just going to check my facebook on our computer upstairs at our vacation home and found THIS ....

    I'm trying to trust, and so far no sign of failure, but what, it's been a week?

    I've made requests that have not been fulfilled yet, and it's said it's due to "business" .... so I'm giving him "time" alone to make changes in his contacts that he has had since 1979 ....

    We got married this last May .... I was single for three years after a 30 year marriage/divorce and he was single for about six years & married three other times .... he was sexually active with many partners, I was not except for one brief relationship (mistake)...

    I'm concerned that he still has old girlfriends as friends on FB and in his phone .... he changed his number but is in the "process" of deleting unwanted contacts ....

    The really problem I have is we did not have a marital problem besides I was being told i was "over reacting" to his ex-girlfriend relationships... but we have had sex every night, often twice if not three times! yes, we are in our fifties. . . LOL .... we connect very intimately in music, family, background, beliefs ...

    I just don't understand WHY a grown man would do something like this when we were not having problems at all intimately .... i understand there are sexual addictions ....

    he will not go to counseling.... he said he would ask a friend to hold him accountable and yet that still has not happened...
    He won't even delete the TWO ex girlfriends from facebook i asked him to...

    My deep questions keep changing, but mostly are:
    how concerned should I be about staying in the relationship and how do I begin to trust without being suspicious all the time?
    how concerned should I be about the "friends" remaining in his life, even if he just calls them or talks to them from time to time and IS NOT supposedly doing that at this time?

    I hate that he has baggage that he can't just "get rid of" and we start over and I don't have to think about him "reviewing" pictures to get rid of, contacts .... which ones he will keep and WHY ....

    should I stay away as in living in a different house until this is all worked out on his part?

    At 53, I love having a man who speaks my love languages perfectly, makes me feel cherished and loved every day and is promising that I am the only woman he wants to be with and that he will not do this type of behavior ever again...

    some sights say to just leave, other say forget the past and move on as quickly as possible.... I'm trying to do the second..... anytime I bring up questions about things I want him to do like deleting contacts and no contact with x's, he replies kindly and yet when I ask, he said it's hurtful as he is doing everything he can to change things as soon as it is possible with a busy life and trying to spend time with me...

    my crazy life .... what to do to move on ...
    or start Over? that's terrifying ....

  2. #2
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    Default Re: marriage betrayal

    Quote Originally Posted by hope4us2 View Post
    Over the new years weekend, I found out that my husband has been "cheating" on me.... followed by a repentance, & him crying and begging me not to leave ... he's very sorry for hurting me so deeply, but is he REALLY sorry for what he was involved in? (sending pictures of his penis to ex girlfriends and them sending pictures, videos and other things that thankfully I didn't want to SEE). I was just going to check my facebook on our computer upstairs at our vacation home and found THIS ....

    I'm trying to trust, and so far no sign of failure, but what, it's been a week?

    I've made requests that have not been fulfilled yet, and it's said it's due to "business" .... so I'm giving him "time" alone to make changes in his contacts that he has had since 1979 ....

    We got married this last May .... I was single for three years after a 30 year marriage/divorce and he was single for about six years & married three other times .... he was sexually active with many partners, I was not except for one brief relationship (mistake)...

    I'm concerned that he still has old girlfriends as friends on FB and in his phone .... he changed his number but is in the "process" of deleting unwanted contacts ....

    The really problem I have is we did not have a marital problem besides I was being told i was "over reacting" to his ex-girlfriend relationships... but we have had sex every night, often twice if not three times! yes, we are in our fifties. . . LOL .... we connect very intimately in music, family, background, beliefs ...

    I just don't understand WHY a grown man would do something like this when we were not having problems at all intimately .... i understand there are sexual addictions ....

    he will not go to counseling.... he said he would ask a friend to hold him accountable and yet that still has not happened...
    He won't even delete the TWO ex girlfriends from facebook i asked him to...

    My deep questions keep changing, but mostly are:
    how concerned should I be about staying in the relationship and how do I begin to trust without being suspicious all the time?
    how concerned should I be about the "friends" remaining in his life, even if he just calls them or talks to them from time to time and IS NOT supposedly doing that at this time?

    I hate that he has baggage that he can't just "get rid of" and we start over and I don't have to think about him "reviewing" pictures to get rid of, contacts .... which ones he will keep and WHY ....

    should I stay away as in living in a different house until this is all worked out on his part?

    At 53, I love having a man who speaks my love languages perfectly, makes me feel cherished and loved every day and is promising that I am the only woman he wants to be with and that he will not do this type of behavior ever again...

    some sights say to just leave, other say forget the past and move on as quickly as possible.... I'm trying to do the second..... anytime I bring up questions about things I want him to do like deleting contacts and no contact with x's, he replies kindly and yet when I ask, he said it's hurtful as he is doing everything he can to change things as soon as it is possible with a busy life and trying to spend time with me...

    my crazy life .... what to do to move on ...
    or start Over? that's terrifying ....
    Be stern and adiment about disconnecting with the old GF. If not they will come back into your life again. Anyone that he has had a sexual relationship with, because it opens doors to the "remember that time". I deal with the same thing with a spouse that has had a few people that keep in contact with her.

    As for trusting, that's something that you need to be okay with. Is he truely remorseful? Is he open about what he did and willing to change things? If not he has people on the side that he doesn't want to give up. I cheated on my wife (when engaged), before we got married i admitted to what I had done. I was very open, and stopped all communications with the other women, I did everything that my wife asked. I read books and prayed about what I had done as am adulterer. I asked for forgiveness and for God to heal my wife's, the women that I was seeing, my heart and the families that I hurt. Asking for forgiveness is huge but being remorseful and knowing that you hurt people is an eye opener.
    Saturn likes this.

  3. #3
    Senior Member Ugly's Avatar
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    Default Re: marriage betrayal

    If he were truly repentant deleting old contacts and anyone that concerns you should be no problem.
    And in the "process" of deleting contacts? How ling does it take to press a few buttons per person? That should be doable in an hour or less, depending on the number.

    Sounds to me like you have your head in the sand. Talking about how he cherishes you and loves you... meanwhile he's cheating on you and making excuses for why he won't get rid of people out of his life knowing it bothers you.

    My last relationship an ex-gf tried to contact me. While my current gf said she had no problem with my connecting with my ex, I refused to contact her. Not for my sake, but for the sake of my gf. She had been cheated on a lot in the past (previous relationship, not me), and I cared a lot for her. So I went out of my way to ensure she had nothing to worry about.
    When people aren't willing to make difficult or painful decisions it's because they value these other things over you and your relationship. If you were a top priority his actions would reflect that and he wouldn't be dragging his feet and making excuses.

    Cheating isn't always about the act of sex. Some guys love the thrill of the hunt, the excitement of something new or other such reasons.

    Also you should know the more times one marries the better chance their next marriage will fail. If he's on his fourth marriage chances of it failing are well over 50% chance. Add that you are divorced the chances go up.
    This guy waved a lot of red flags, before the marriage, that you seem to have ignored or made excuses for. And you let his ability to manipulate you work on your emotions. This is the result.

    I can't speak for sure where his intentions are. But if I had to make a guess, off of his past and current behavior, I would not trust him.
    Saturn likes this.
    Give me a new voice
    Give me a heart for repentance and make it stay
    Cause I've idolized my words
    It's all my fault
    But it's comfortable
    ~Poured Out, Rival Choir~

  4. #4
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    Default Re: marriage betrayal

    hope4us2, from what you tell us, it is obvious that the addiction runs deep, and he cannot deal with it alone. He needs help. I mean long term support group help. If he is not willing to get help, he is not honest with himself, and is running on self-denial. Nothing will change until he seriously gets that help.

  5. #5
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    Default Re: marriage betrayal

    I am very sorry for what you are going through. I will pray for you and your husband. Like the others have said, he needs help. But unfortunately when someone doesn't want help, we cannot do anything.

    To me it sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it too. Even though you two are sexually active, he just wants to feel good about himself and contacts other women.

    He needs to delete any contact with any ex. If he loves you, he should do everything he can in his power to keep you.

    That trust he broke is going to take a long time to rebuild. (Well for me it did, maybe it wont for you) But, he needs to also listen to what your needs are in order to move forward with this.

    I would sit down again and talk to him about what you are asking for and why. (It sounds like he is open to what you say, but is just dragging his feet to do so.) Maybe if you break it down again and list each thing and why, it will click. Be honest with him about your feelings that if he does not you may not be able to make it work.

    You deserve to not be betrayed like that, and it is up to you on what you are ok with. I also would ask him to keep everything open to you so if you feel the need to check on something, you can. (I know most of the time the offender is so against doing that, but after what you have been through he should try and understand what you are feeling)

    If you truly believe he is for you, and you do not want to start over, I would give him the chance with boundaries. Maybe God will change his heart.


    I wish you luck.

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