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Christian Family Forum

Discuss family topics/issues, and give and receive encouragement here.

Thread: Do I stand for my Marriage?

  1. #1
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    Default Do I stand for my Marriage?

    Good Morning,

    I am new to this form, as well as new to the Christian faith. (When this crisis happened is when my mother in law helped me accept and go to Christ. My husband was raised and believed in God, and though he says he still does he has walked away from God and told God to stay out of it.) I am trying to stand on scripture that God wants us to try to reconcile and save our marriage, but I do not know what to do anymore. Could you please advise and/or pray for me? I have been trying to lean on God through this and I dont know if he is hearing me. I feel alone. Please bare with me, I am trying to keep it short and to the point but I want to give key details. Thank you for reading.


    No marriage is perfect, we walk in with baggage from our past, but I want to believe God directed these people into our lives for a reason. I want to believe God had me marry my husband for a reason. I do not want to believe it can end.

    I was very lonely in our marriage. (We have been together for 7 years, just barely made it 3 years married. We did marry young he was 19 I was 22, but I do not feel that is a good reason for this behavior) I moved states to be with him, away from my family and friends so he can stay with his family. I am a introvert, it is hard for me to make new friends and so much social contact is to much for me. and I have anxiety and depression which I have been dealing with. My husband is a extrovert, but seems to chose people who only use him for money, or people who are into the party lifestyle with drugs and alcohol. From the getgo he did not spend much time with me, but as we grew, it would get worse. He would party, and do this that I would not be happy about. He would spend money we should not be spending nor have. (He came from a home where he was able to get everything he wanted.) I hardly spent money, or if I complained about him always spending it he would tell me to spend something on myself. Which I would ask for us to save for a house, or to finally do a honeymoon.
    He did end up getting a good job with a good company through a friend, and though he made more money and worked more. The worse his behavior would get.
    He would tell me he would be to tired to go spend time with me or do something, but he would not be for friends. I would beg him for us to go see a movie, or to go out to dinner, but he would say it was too boring. But then he would go out and do it with friends. A lot of the time buying the tickets or spending a lot of money on a nice dinner for them. He would say the house wasnt clean enough. (No children but I work full time as well. and I would try to cook and clean as much as I could. But I got tired of cooking when he would decide he didnt want that for dinner and would eat something or pick something else up.) Porn was another issue. (By no means am I perfect, I was needy, I would lose my temper, I am shy with his friends, I still struggle with depression and sometimes I would be so depressed for no reason. Which I tried not to show him because it annoyed him)

    His night out with friends started to become more frequent, he would stay our until 6am the next day. He would do pot, (He struggled with drugs as a teen so I worried it would be more.) We would fight and he would promise to spend time with me, and I would promise to be more understanding, but it never changed. I started to suspect he did more then just pot once in a while. I would be so lonely and sad that I started to drink to get intoxicated on those nights he didnt come home. One night he came home, high, still buzzed after being gone for almost 24 hours. He instantly went to his xbox and played and chatted with his buddies on there. I hear he went to see a movie that I begged for him to see with me, (he refused, saying its boring) and went to a expensive restaurant with his friends. (Plus drank.) So I got mad and said I hated him. In which he told me to go **** off and to go back to WI because he didnt care. My depression had been progressively worse. (My doctor also forgot to refill my prescription time so I had been off of them which also did not help) so I did. I was incoxicated and went into the bathroom and hurt myself. (I have previous history of doing so, but I had stopped for a very long time. I was trying to get self help and manage it. This incident was not bad at all. Well to me it was not.) He banged on the bathroom door upset because he needed to go to the bathroom. He comes in the unlocked door (No lock on it) and sees. He gets irate calles me crazy and says he is going to call the cops on me because hes not dealing with it, and to go back to wisconsin. I tell him its fine, I will call my mother in the tomorrow just let me sleep off and I will be out of his hair tomorrow. (I walk past him to sleep on the bed.) He throws me off the bed and gets his phone to call the cops. I tell him to just let me call my mom now then. Find out he broke my phone, so I am sobbing just asking him to let me call my mom then. He finally gives me his phone, and I am to out of it to remember my moms phone, and he calms down and says hes sorry and he loves me and doesnt want me to leave. Which i tell him hes not happy with me, and i want him to be happy. He says he is. and we go to bed.

    His behavior gets worse. He starts going out even more, coming home smelling like alcohol, and I barely see him. I ask if we are ok and he says we are. Now he starts sprucing himself up. (Which he never used to. I am talking new clothing, new beard style taking better care of his looks. Husband and Wife relations are basically non existent.) He is also working alot of hours. (Which is true)He has cheated on me in the past, so I become even more nervous. (He does not count sexting, flirting or anything else cheating, but I do) I end up checking his phone one day, and I see that he has this app called KIK and has sync his phone contacts with a girl or too. but he has no names of girls in his phone. So they are under a guys name. there was a message from a KIK bot asking if he was interested in them matching him with his soulmate. He said yes a few times. (plus a message or two from random girls) I try to let it go, not fight about it. But the times he looks at me he just frowns. That day he started updated his facebook, new picture, getting rid of the pictures of him and I on his phone, changing his screen saver to something that used to be a picture of us. So I just flat out asking if hes cheating on me one day. He laughs gets mad says some mean words and he is done. I sleep on the couch, and try to speak to him the next day. He says he needs a haitus from our marriage, he took off his ring. I ask if we can talk about it and he says no to leave him alone. I finally do, and he finally comes in the room one night and says he will give me three options. He was not going to even give me any but he decided to. One is a messy divorce where he takes everything, another is to go along with it and divorce, or to stay married but let him do whatever he wants and say nothing about it, including if he decides to sleep with other women. (He has been doing some uppers before.) We fight, he says he loves me and he hopes I can choose the last choice but he needs this. He needs to be free to do what he wants. I tell him I will try. He ends up going out the next night and breaking his phone. (Due to being smashed and making poor choices) He goes to his parents house to get a new one, comes back angry. I ask if he told them about whats going on, he says no. I left it at that. Next night he was angry again, so I ask him whats going on and let him know his mom contacted me to hang out, and since I have no idea whats going on if I should. He said he doesn't care. I ask whats going on with us, he gets mad, and says he was going to try to forgive me but I just kept pushing. so hes done, we are getting a divorce whether I want to or not. I end up accepting christ the next night with his mom, because I am devastated. I lean heavily on the lord and hear the word hope. I end up staying with them for a few weeks so Husband has time to cool down. ( His parents told me the self harm night was what he told them what made him snap. But that was a month before this all blew up) He had a trip he made with buddies, and then gets angry when his parents call us all in for a meeting. He is done, he has to many stresses in his life, he wasnt ready to get married and he needs out. His parents discuss that we do separation first since we cannot afford lawyers. I of course am against it. I cry and try to fight for us to work through this. (Which I know was not wise) He ends up staying by his parents house and I am back at our place. He comes to get some of his things in which he says he loves me again and he needs time to be alone, (Ends up in relations) Tells me he is fighting a battle with himself and no one can help him and he doesnt trust God to. HE gets kicked out his parents house (For a few reasons) So he is back. Sleeps on the couch, I tell him he does not have to. He ends up coming to the bed and snuggling and saying he loves me (He just wanted relations) He goes back out to the couch, and staying there. I wait a few days and then try to talk to him in which he gets mad at says he is done, leave him alone, if I and his parents could have left him alone maybe he would have stayed. (I have been praying and fasting for reconciliation while this is all happening. The fasting I can only do for a few days but praying everyday.) So fast forward a week. ( I only talk to him if he talks to me first. I leave notes if I need to let him know something. I left a note saying I am going home for Christmas and took the week off of work.) He comes in buzzed after work one day, saying we need to talk. Tells me we need to get the ball rolling on the divorce in which I tell him I do not want it and he needs to do it. He tells me he is trying to do this nicely and not get lawyers involved and gets angry when I tell him I am not doing the work for him. Says some very cruel things, threatens me. Then says he needs to sleep in the bed, his back is killing him, I told him it is his choice. He asks again and gets angry. I tell him he can do what he wants. He tells me to go away. He comes in later and then says how proud he is of me losing weight (Because he called me ugly and fat) and how he can see im trying to become a better person, ect. I ask if he is only doing this because he wants relations, he says no. End up with relations anyway, and the next night he gets drunk and tells his xbox buddies (all while im in the other room) how to never get married its not worth it, he cant wait to get rid of me, and a bunch of other mean things as well as very disturbing things. I go out and ask him to please stop saying mean things. He just tells me to go **** off and its true. We dont talk for the rest of the week until the day I leave for my trip. He asks me to let him know when I get there safe. I nod only. After a little over a week I come back, and he is all happy to see me. I give him one worded answers and not really responding. In which he gets upset and wants to know why. I told him last time he talked he threatens me, and I do not know what he wants from me. He apologizes, says he missed me and hes happy I came back. And how he wants us to be friends but we still need to get a divorce. That he wants to be friends with benefits as well. I tell him I cant do that. He doesnt know why, (He is also drunk at this point. asks me to shower with him like old times. We talk and he expresses his pain, and how no one talked to him throughout the week and how my hurting myself hurt him so bad he cant trust me anymore. And that he feels 2018 is his last year) I feel like we got somewhere and God answered that I should stay and softened his heart. Then he ends up going to play xbox. And I hear him call someone gorgeous and he needs her to stop distracting him. I go out and ask who he is talking to. He lies and says a guy. I let it go. But then I hear him laughing and saying "stop snap chatting me, your beautiful and distracting me." and hes flirting. I finally go out and say I dont care about him anymore I dont care what if he hurts himself and im done. He lied again and he calls me crazy that hes not talking to any girls. and I walk away. He gets quiet and is not talking to his xbox girls anymore. He comes in and gets mad at me and asks why I would say something so mean. I say I didnt mean it, but I am tired of him lying to me. He says whatever he doesn't care he doesn't want to be my friend anymore, and I fallow him. End up hearing the girls and he says "its one girl and shes a lesbian. and its none of your business I already told you we are done, I can do whoever an whatever I want." its multiple. So I tell him not to lie to me, and we are still married. I grab his phone to see how many girls he is texting and sending pictures to. He fights me for his phone. Tells me its none of my business, and he is sexting multiple girls. It shouldn't matter because we are done and now he doesn't want to be friends because I am crazy. We fight more. I end up just going to bed sobbing.We do not see or contact each other for days when he is nice to me again, then the next day he is mean and says he wants to make sure I understand that he hates me and does not want to stay with me, and he is going to move out and get an apartment with another guy. (Which I cannot afford our apartment by myself) I tell him not to bother, I will just go home to Wisconsin. Then he says he will stay physically faithful as long as I satisfy him, but even that is a maybe. Last night he comes back from work and is on xbox talking to the girls again. I ask him to please give me ear buds he has because I cannot stand to hear it it hurts. He gets mad, asks why I cant leave him alone. I tell him he knows I work mornings and I cant keep being up all night listening to this.

    I am sorry this is so long, and I am conflicted on even posting this. But I am so broken, and I cannot hear God. I want to stand for my marriage because I am trying to be a better wife and person, to become the Wife God wants me to be. I love my husband no matter the pain, and hurt he causes.

    But if he is itching so bad to leave why did he wish a happy anniversary during this. (It was a week later then what our anniversary is, but he tried.) Why does he keep saying he loves me? Why did he tell me early on to wait for him? Why did I hear hope in the beginning? I do plan on going back to Wisconsin because if I don't, he will leave me to pay for an apartment he knows I cannot afford by myself, and because I cant stand anymore of this headgame it seems like hes playing. But maybe I am just in denial? Am I to continue to stand for my marriage or should I give up and go? Everytime I want to leave I end up staying, but I do not know if it is because of God trying to keep me here, or if it is my human emotions. I would appreciate any advise, and prayers.


    Thank you for listening and reading,

    Jess

  2. #2
    Senior Member tourist's Avatar
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    Default Re: Do I stand for my Marriage?

    I recommend a separation that can provide clarity of thought in how to proceed. Truthfully, I think that there are serious problems in your marriage. Hopefully, there are no children in this equation. It takes two to make a good marriage, this is not something that you can do on your own. There are others that are in similar situations on this site so please know that you're not alone. Hopefully, you will find comfort, support, and understanding from the members of this site. Glad to have you join us. Welcome to CC.
    justjess likes this.
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  3. #3
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    Default Re: Do I stand for my Marriage?

    I'm sorry, I didn't read this long wall of text, only the few paragraphs above it. From what I could read, hubby is an abuser, a liar, a cheater, a sex addict and he says he's done with you.. He flips flops back and forth between wanting you and wanting out. He plays on your emotions like a fiddle, treats you like crap, and you just take all his abuse. WHY?

    I suggest that one of you move out. Let it be him since he wants out of this sham marriage anyway... Either do a separation or get a divorce, but either way stop taking his crap and being his door mat.
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  4. #4
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    Default Re: Do I stand for my Marriage?

    So sorry for your situation, Jess...
    Kudos for sharing. Even that can be difficult, especially for an introvert. Welcome to CC and welcome to the family of Christ!

    Because of your husband's apathy, drug and alcohol usage, physical abuse and controlling behaviour, your best course of action at this point is to get out of the home to a place of refuge, where he can't get to you. Your husband's claim that he loves you is not based in reality; there is no correlation between how he acts and 1 Corinthians 13.

    Once you are out of the home and somewhere safe, contact a lawyer (for a legal separation and for knowing your options), a pastor at a Christian church (if you aren't yet attending one, or need to switch areas to stay safe), and possibly the police (for a restraining order). All of that sounds very heavy, but none of it is permanent... yet.

    Pray that the Holy Spirit would guide and support you, and that He would bring conviction (spiritual) on your husband. Recognize that God may want to deal with some things in your life too... seek and welcome His input and correction.

    Two other things I'd recommend: sign up for the daily devotional from DivorceCare.org, and spend a few hours with Patrick Doyle (a Christian counselor); he has quite a few videos with theDoveTV channel on YouTube.

    From experience, I would suggest that your marriage is done, but having gone through a divorce myself, I wouldn't wish that on anyone. For now, get safe and get in God's face. The Holy Spirit is the Comforter, after all.
    justjess likes this.

  5. #5
    Senior Member Dan58's Avatar
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    Default Re: Do I stand for my Marriage?

    Quote Originally Posted by justjess View Post
    he is mean and says he wants to make sure I understand that he hates me and does not want to stay with me
    Sounds like the writing is on the wall.. You 2 aren't a good match, and I doubt your husband was mature enough to get married. Imo, you should separate. Holding on for the hope of him changing isn't working, he's a confused mess and seems incapable of committing to anyone but himself. You probably wouldn't be depressed or an introvert if you weren't married to him, he's not good for you. Next time, get to know the person your planning to marry, because hoping they change afterwards never works.. jmo
    tourist and justjess like this.

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    Default Re: Do I stand for my Marriage?

    Jess, here's the thing. You've just joined this forum, but this forum is full of people who do not know you, do not know your husband, do not know your family, and have no stakes in this. So, most have no problem telling you what you should do, and then go about their lives with nothing to lose.

    Do you really want that kind of advice?

    Your MIL told you about God. She told you how your husband has been raised. She does have a stake in this. She seems to like you. Why not go to her? Why not go to a pastor? Why not go to people you trust and who do know the Lord?
    JesusLives, Dino246 and justjess like this.
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    And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Rom. 8:28

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    Default Re: Do I stand for my Marriage?

    I am not a marriage counselor, nor will I try to come across like I might have your answer, but from what I can see here, you are experiencing the consequences of someone who has walked away from God's principles and commands for living. The Bible says you can't have two masters. If he has chosen to please his fleshly desires then that is his responsibility before God, and you are the victim being dragged through the mud through no fault of your own. My heart is sad for this situation because it could be different if the choices being made lined up with God's word.

    As far as your own mental health and spiritual well being, the only thing I can say is to cling to God's word as though it was your last breath. Let your thoughts be more focused on what would please God. Leave your husband in His hands and concentrate on living a life that conforms to what God wants for all of His children, and that is to love Him with all of our hearts and to trust Him no matter what. That shifts things off of your husband and onto your relationship with God.

    But yes, I will be honored to pray for you.

    "Dear Father in heaven, as you are already mindful of this broken marriage and the hurt it has caused, I pray you will intervene and make your presence known in ways so that Jess will recognize your work in her life and find the peace that passes her understanding. I pray you will cause her husband to see you for who you are and not just some memory from a past lifetime. I pray you will give Jess the courage to step out in faith and trust you, and know without a doubt that your eyes are upon her, and that you see her situation, and you promise never to abandon her. I pray you will make her strong and keep her faith strong when she feels she doesn't have the ability to know what to do. Your promises never fail, and I pray Jess will draw closer to you during this time, and feel your presence all around her as she seeks to walk with you despite this hardship. Thank you Jesus, for your faithfulness to Jess, and for your steadfast love that never quits. Amen."
    justjess likes this.

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    Default Re: Do I stand for my Marriage?

    Thank you. We had a trial separation where we were not in the same household but he was kicked out of the place he was staying. No thank goodness there are no children. I am looking into going back home to Wisconsin as soon as possible with my family. I appreciate your incite and help. Thank you.

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    Default Re: Do I stand for my Marriage?

    I am sorry I was trying to reply to each message desperately, I am still not sure how to use this form yet. Please forgive me.

    Thank you all for taking the time to listen and for the advise. I take it all to heart and I am trying to lean on God through this all. As each new ripple is created I waiver, but thankfully I found this site, and you all looked.

    Each idea you all provided and words are ones I will processes and hopefully talk to God to find out what is the correct path. I am lost right now, but I am uplifted by the good wishes from you all, and the honesty. A 3rd party perspective is what I needed and I was blessed with it.

    Right now my husband is not good for me at all, but I still had hope, I still wanted to stand, but I believe I will start the processes to go back to my home state with my family.

    Thank you all very much, for the help, insight, prayers, and I will definitely check out DivorceCare.org.

    Please feel free to contact me if you all need anything.

    Have a wonderful day,

    Jess
    Dino246 likes this.

  10. #10
    Senior Member Dan58's Avatar
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    Default Re: Do I stand for my Marriage?

    Quote Originally Posted by justjess View Post
    I am sorry I was trying to reply to each message desperately, I am still not sure how to use this form yet.
    To reply to a specific post, you simply click "Reply With Quote" at the bottom of their comment.. Then it will list their message in your reply box, and you simply enter your response under their quote.
    Dino246 likes this.

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