I posted a few days ago about the troubles in my marriage and whether i should keep fighting for a spouse who wants to divorce. He has agreed to marriage counseling but is still not coming home and "does not want the relationship anymore." He experienced an overwhelming situation and shut out our relationship emotions in order to deal with the stresses of his work. Now that he has found freedom he enjoys it more than the troubles in the relationship. (he had an affair 6 years ago and it has since dictated the tone of our marriage).He doesn't see a way of reconnecting as his love for me is gone.Which in all honesty we did not have a strong foundation. I had my faults and did not display love in the manor i should have. He put up a wall and barely responds to my messages and is angry when he sees me and hates being in our home. I have been praying about this for weeks. I truly believe he put up a wall to protect himself as a way to deal with the guilt and stress in our marriage. I have self improved and changed things but he still is not interested. Today i proposed a trial separation while seeing the therapist weekly. Giving him space without seeing other people. A part of me feels as though he will just agree to it as a stepping stone to divorce. Which i am trying to prevent. I feel like if he let down his guard and was open to re-connection we could work on healing. I just feel like i should really fight for my marriage. Has anyone had any experience with reconnecting with a separated spouse? At this time i do not know if a separation would do more harm in my marriage than good or not. I just know begging him to stay just pushes him away more.
Reconnecting with a separated spouse?
- Thread starter Giving2god
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You don't HAVE a marriage anymore. It ended the first time he cheated on you. If he doesn't "want this marriage anymore", then why did he agree to marriage counseling?? Obviously he is not open to reconnecting with you. At this point, I'd say a separation would be a useless venture.. Stop being his door mat..
Your husband did the harm to your marriage by betraying the marital trust that can never be restored. A husband that loves his wife does not even think about cheating on her let alone actually do it.
It takes two to save a marriage as this is not something that you can do on your own.
Without knowing your ages, years of marriage and possible children I can't really provide counsel only that I agree with the option of separation to give you both the space that you need so that you may have clarity of thought on how to proceed with both of your lives. I do know that unless the marriage has God in the center there will be many problems, some of which will not be able to be resolved. There are other members in similar situations so please know that you're not alone.
Glad to have you join us. Welcome to CC.
It takes two to save a marriage as this is not something that you can do on your own.
Without knowing your ages, years of marriage and possible children I can't really provide counsel only that I agree with the option of separation to give you both the space that you need so that you may have clarity of thought on how to proceed with both of your lives. I do know that unless the marriage has God in the center there will be many problems, some of which will not be able to be resolved. There are other members in similar situations so please know that you're not alone.
Glad to have you join us. Welcome to CC.
He agreed to counseling at first because I asked him to.We have only had one session so far. After leaving the office i asked if he would like to continue to go and he said he would as he is genuinely interested in what she had to say. And that he thinks we could use it and it is the best way to divorce peacefully. He says he doesnt know how to "try" when he doesnt want to. That he cannot "force" feelings. Maybe i am just blind and fooling myself.
R
I am only at the dating stage and have been for just about a year, however I recommend to continue praying for him. Not only for God to open his heart, but for his day that God blesses him and gives him joy. My bf and I hit a rough spot a few months ago and he was extremely selfish as he had problems at work. As a result, he wanted distance and received counseling from a pastor and this is what he recommended. Prayer can do anything as God can make the impossible possible. I will say a prayer for your marriage too that at the end of this he will want to court you all over again
Thank you for your reply. Im new to posting so not sure I am replying in the correct places. This is our 10 year anniversary and we have two children. We will be 28 and 29 this year. I know some churches are in favor of fighting for a marriage and some are more in favor of letting go when the spouse wont try to resolve any issues. I am hoping counseling does some good. He is not religious so that does not help on the putting god in the center part.
In the Bible ,it states to not separate... only for a time, for prayer and both agree. Also I understand what you are going through. Also here is a reminder, and it does hurt, because I have to keep to the same principal as well, but if he wants to divorce, don't keep him trapped in the marriage. Let him have his way. Jesus displayed this many times throughout the gospel with unbelievers. But we are woman, and I understand that's hard. With my marriage, separation, on and off, whatever you want to call it ( as a face palm and roll my eyes) we keep fighting until there's nothing left to fight for. Remember , your relationship is you AND him. There's always a chance for God to intercede. But I can tell you this, no matter how much we want to change the other person with our words, only God is able to make the change.. taken about the heart here. For my situation, trial, I'm learning to honor my husband even when I don't get it back and to stay his wife until he no longer wants me. To me, sounds like your doing the best you can. All you can do now, is trust in the Lord. With my marriage, I back tracked alot from God, and now I'm getting back to Him. I wouldn't trade that for anything. Your doing a good job, it just stinks that, the person you love, all you can do is watch them fall away and you can't do anything about it. There desicions. Free will. Anyway, God bless hun, remember, God is always there and He never changes.
D
Which answer do you want?
After all, you're getting every answer in the book, and not letting the counseling work. Instead, you're asking strangers. So, my guess is you won't be happy until you get the answer you want, and then you can say, "God gave me this answer."
Truthfully, your marriage has been a mess for over 7 years, so it's not going to be fixed in five days, (if it's going to be fixed at all.) Since you want answers, and want them now, rather than wait on the Lord to renew your strength, what answer do you want?
I can guarantee one thing. Keep asking here, and you'll be divorced by the end of the year.
After all, you're getting every answer in the book, and not letting the counseling work. Instead, you're asking strangers. So, my guess is you won't be happy until you get the answer you want, and then you can say, "God gave me this answer."
Truthfully, your marriage has been a mess for over 7 years, so it's not going to be fixed in five days, (if it's going to be fixed at all.) Since you want answers, and want them now, rather than wait on the Lord to renew your strength, what answer do you want?
I can guarantee one thing. Keep asking here, and you'll be divorced by the end of the year.
I didn't say anything that she hasn't already told us. He DOES want to divorce peacefully. He DOESN'T want any part of this marriage anymore. He even told her that he doesn't want to try and work on the marriage. He's a married man who wants to be, and already acts, like a single man. He isn't even religious, so as the OP herself said, putting God into the middle of it won't help. God can do anything, but only if BOTH parties are trying. He is NOT going to magically put this marriage together again... It's been 10 years for her, and he hasn't changed his ways yet. Is she supposed to wait another 10 years to see if he will or not? That's a long time to wish and hope and be miserable. :/
Most marriage counselors ask one important question; "Do you love him?" and "Do you still love her?". If a therapist gets a negative answer to either question, session over. They can work to save a marriage when love still exist, but if that's gone, there's nothing left to work with. Its just futile to try and keep a marriage together when one or both parties don't love the other.
Maybe he loved you when you were married, maybe you want to stay with him for your children's sake, maybe you think he can learn to love you again like he once did, maybe you can't afford to lose him and need financial security, maybe your afraid to be alone and need emotional security, but trying to save a relationship that's void of love does not make a happy family.
Maybe he loved you when you were married, maybe you want to stay with him for your children's sake, maybe you think he can learn to love you again like he once did, maybe you can't afford to lose him and need financial security, maybe your afraid to be alone and need emotional security, but trying to save a relationship that's void of love does not make a happy family.
I understand the mechanics of divorce is one person files the paperwork, the other is served the papers or the police serve the papers then there is a 30 days waiting period before the divorce can be finalized which can be extended to 1 year which is in fact a separation for one year. If there no divorce court date to finalize the divorce within that year then the paperwork is null and void. The attorney keeps the money you paid. If you legally separate then you have the pay the lawyer again for the divorce.
The advantage to have the errant spouse file the paperwork is the better spouse can tell others that he or she wasn't the one that filed for divorce. It's a face saving tactic.
The court date only verifies the information is correct and asks the woman is she is pregnant. It's no fault divorce.
If the errant spouse has been gone from the marriage home for more than six months the claim by the better spouse that files for divorce can be for irreconcilable differences. If less than 6 months then the claim can be for mental cruelty.
I am not a lawyer. I have been through divorce.
The advantage to have the errant spouse file the paperwork is the better spouse can tell others that he or she wasn't the one that filed for divorce. It's a face saving tactic.
The court date only verifies the information is correct and asks the woman is she is pregnant. It's no fault divorce.
If the errant spouse has been gone from the marriage home for more than six months the claim by the better spouse that files for divorce can be for irreconcilable differences. If less than 6 months then the claim can be for mental cruelty.
I am not a lawyer. I have been through divorce.