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Thread: Trying to save my marriage

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    Mkm
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    Default Trying to save my marriage

    hi, I’m completely new to this and a little out of my comfort zone. I grew up in a baptist church but as an adult I’ve never considered myself religious. In fact there are things about religion that make me very uncomfortable, although I do not judge those who are religious. My husband and I have been together for 6 years. His entire family is in ministry, they don’t really call themselves anything but if I had to categorize it I’d say Pentecostal. They are very extreme in their beliefs which is something my husband grew up with and I did not. Well we have been having marital problems for a while now, I have my fair share of blame but he is a veteran with severe ptsd and a few other things I won’t mention. We have both been on the same page about religion since we met. I would even go as far to say he was an atheist. This past week I was out of town and he went to church and got saved. On its own does not bother me. It was totally out of character, but something that I can deal with. My problem lies here. He called me to tell me about this and says that he is going to minister with his dad and started quoting scripture at me. This coming from a man that didn’t even want to go to church on Easter. During this phone call it was very apparent that he had already erased me from the picture because I’m not “Christian”. He didn’t even give me a chance to think about anything. He keeps saying it wont work if I don’t believe in what he’s doing, but literally 3 days ago he didn’t believe it either. Keep in mind we have 2 kids under 5. I’m so sorry for the long post. I have no idea who to talk to about this. Any and all advice would be appreciated.

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    Senior Member blue_ladybug's Avatar
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    Default Re: Trying to save my marriage

    Congrats to him for becoming a Christian and getting saved. Sounds like he has a different view on you and the marriage now, than he had before.. Can you elaborate a little more on what parts of religion make you uncomfortable?
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    Mkm
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    Default Re: Trying to save my marriage

    His parents believe in speaking in tongues and raising people from the dead and those sorts of things. I did not grow up that way and the realist in me just can’t wrap my head around it. I am very tolerant of others and try my best to be understanding but It makes no sense that he can do a 360 on his life in a day and believe in that wholeheartedly. I hope he does, I’m not trying to deminish anything he may have with god. There have been instances in the past where he goes head first into something real fast then burns out and I don’t want him to disrupt our whole family if that is going to be one of those situations.

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    Default Re: Trying to save my marriage

    Welcome, MKM

    Thanks for sharing. As you don't identify as a Christian, my usual advice is largely irrelevant. What I suggest is this:

    Read chapter 7 of 1 Corinthians in the Bible. In that chapter, the writer (Paul the apostle) tells Christians how to handle marriages between believers and unbelievers. It says clearly that a Christian is not to leave a non-Christian spouse if the non-Christian wants to preserve the marriage.

    Regarding your husband's treatment of you, I suggest this: politely remind him that it took time for him to accept Christianity, and that the best evidence of the reality of his change will be for him to extend patience and love to you. Frankly he has no business being in Christian ministry if he abandons you (but don't tell him that!).

    For you personally, I encourage you to read two books: "Mere Christianity" by C.S. Lewis (the same person who wrote "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe") and "The Case for Christ" by Lee Strobel. Read them with an open mind, and with a desire to understand what they're saying.

    I sincerely hope your marriage is preserved; having been divorced myself, I don't wish it on anyone!

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    Default Re: Trying to save my marriage

    Real simple. Him saved and you not does not equal grounds for divorce. He is wrong right there to say he must leave you. I don't know why he would say that. Tell him "I like living with you, so leaving me is not Christian."

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    Default Re: Trying to save my marriage

    Tell him... "There is no reason for you to leave me that's Christian besides fornication."

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    Mkm
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    Default Re: Trying to save my marriage

    Oh my goodness thank you so much for saying that. I tried to tell him that and he told me he wouldn’t take biblical advice from someone who doesn’t believe the Bible.

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    Default Re: Trying to save my marriage

    Just say... " I'm not going anywhere... Because you're wrong. "
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    Default Re: Trying to save my marriage

    But really, maybe you should pack somebody's bags, yours or his, and just give him his way. I mean that's what the Christian should do when married to an unbeliever. If you told him you're leaving him, perhaps he should just pack your bags or his own and just say bye... Either bye forever... Or see ya around, stay outta trouble.

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    Default Re: Trying to save my marriage

    He said that eh?

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    Default Re: Trying to save my marriage

    Well, only because he is a believer would I say for you to not just pack bags

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    Mkm
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    Default Re: Trying to save my marriage

    Yes, I actually sat down and read some scripture and he said it was wrong of me to try to contradict him using verses if I didn’t actually believe in them. My argument is how am I supposed to come to an understanding if I can’t discuss the Bible and god with him without him thinking that I’m making fun of him. He wouldn’t say that if someone else who went to church with him opened a discussion on opposing views of scripture. I’m not against god or him believing in god. I’m against being pushed out of my own life due to not getting the same treatment that I give him.

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    Default Re: Trying to save my marriage

    Yep. It starts boil down to consent and avoiding force.... The rest of your life. That is staying out of trouble, when things are done with consent.
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    Default Re: Trying to save my marriage

    Well, there's what's necessary for the salvation of men and women... By God, which requires men and women hearing preaching and or reading the Bible. I mean why does anybody read the Bible at first? For God to save him or her? How would that be? How can we want God to save us if we haven't heard about him from the book we haven't read yet?

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    Default Re: Trying to save my marriage

    Quote Originally Posted by Mkm View Post
    hi, I’m completely new to this and a little out of my comfort zone. I grew up in a baptist church but as an adult I’ve never considered myself religious. In fact there are things about religion that make me very uncomfortable, although I do not judge those who are religious. My husband and I have been together for 6 years. His entire family is in ministry, they don’t really call themselves anything but if I had to categorize it I’d say Pentecostal. They are very extreme in their beliefs which is something my husband grew up with and I did not. Well we have been having marital problems for a while now, I have my fair share of blame but he is a veteran with severe ptsd and a few other things I won’t mention. We have both been on the same page about religion since we met. I would even go as far to say he was an atheist. This past week I was out of town and he went to church and got saved. On its own does not bother me. It was totally out of character, but something that I can deal with. My problem lies here. He called me to tell me about this and says that he is going to minister with his dad and started quoting scripture at me. This coming from a man that didn’t even want to go to church on Easter. During this phone call it was very apparent that he had already erased me from the picture because I’m not “Christian”. He didn’t even give me a chance to think about anything. He keeps saying it wont work if I don’t believe in what he’s doing, but literally 3 days ago he didn’t believe it either. Keep in mind we have 2 kids under 5. I’m so sorry for the long post. I have no idea who to talk to about this. Any and all advice would be appreciated.
    Imagine this -- your marriage, you and your husband have gone through everything you've gone through, but instead of it being about "religion," he suddenly inherited a huge mansion with the money that goes with it. And he told you that you are no longer relevant, so good-bye.

    Take a few minutes to imagine that. Enjoy time spent thinking up the mansion and the bank account.

    Okay, are you back? Did you get passed the point where you're angry with him for not sharing those riches? (Probably not.) Did you get to the point where you want it too?

    Yes! A couple of things are very wrong with this picture.
    1. You don't want what he has.
    2. He doesn't want to share it with you.

    If he truly was born again, it is worth more than the mansion and bank account. If he was truly born again, he'd want to share it with you, not count you out of the picture.

    Do the obvious. Find out what he just got. With or without him, it's worth it. With or without him, you can inherit it too. And if you do, then you realize what's wrong with him and can talk on the same page. As it stands now the both of you are on entirely different pages.

    He may be saved, but he's not acting like someone who is saved. Then again, he is a newborn, and maybe he doesn't know how to act yet. You can be saved too. All you have to do is get over "I am tolerant of religion," and get to the point of asking the Lord to reveal himself to you. (Earnestly ask, and he will. He might do it even if you aren't earnest.)

    The one thing I worry about in this scenario is his unwillingness to to share it with you. I worry because it sounds like his family might be in something else -- a cult. But you won't know if that is or isn't the case, unless you become born again yourself.
    kaylagrl and oldethennew like this.
    Lynn

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    And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Rom. 8:28

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    Default Re: Trying to save my marriage

    But if he is really saved, yeah, he might have a new view on you. And he's new at this, so... Maybe he's rough around the edges. But it remains, Christians are not to divorce their unbelieving spouses maybe MAYBE unless the unbelieving spouses don't like living with their Christian spouses.

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    Default Re: Trying to save my marriage

    Quote Originally Posted by Mkm View Post
    Yes, I actually sat down and read some scripture and he said it was wrong of me to try to contradict him using verses if I didn’t actually believe in them. My argument is how am I supposed to come to an understanding if I can’t discuss the Bible and god with him without him thinking that I’m making fun of him. He wouldn’t say that if someone else who went to church with him opened a discussion on opposing views of scripture. I’m not against god or him believing in god. I’m against being pushed out of my own life due to not getting the same treatment that I give him.
    You come to an understanding if you ask God to help you understand God. Reading 20 billion books won't help you understand. Only God brings that about. The books, (especially the Bible), are there so you can grasp what happened when the Lord saves you. And yes, the moment that happens, everything turns 180 degrees. It is a moment, and it does happen that quickly.
    oldethennew likes this.
    Lynn

    Still woman, but no lady.

    And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Rom. 8:28

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    Default Re: Trying to save my marriage

    pray to our Holy Father, and get this demon and his fellow demons, OUT of your LIFE,
    else your 'moving-on' will never happen and you will just accept what you believe
    is your 'lot'...

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    Senior Member Nehemiah6's Avatar
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    Default Re: Trying to save my marriage

    Quote Originally Posted by Mkm View Post
    Any and all advice would be appreciated.
    The main thing at this point is to determine whether or not the two of you genuinely love each other. If your atheistic husband just got saved, then he is a babe in Christ and has to learn much before he can minister the Word. At the same time, you must give serious thought to your personal relationship with Christ.

    So what you can do at this point (if possible) is sit down with him only (no kids or other relatives) and talk about your own relationship to each other and whether your love is strong enough to overcome differences in spiritual standing and growth.

    If he is a reasonable man, then this should not be a problem. If he is an unreasonable man, then you might need to have a neutral third party (a man) who is spiritually mature and cares for both of you in order to see that your marriage is not disrupted.

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    Default Re: Trying to save my marriage

    Quote Originally Posted by oldethennew View Post
    pray to our Holy Father, and get this demon and his fellow demons, OUT of your LIFE,
    else your 'moving-on' will never happen and you will just accept what you believe
    is your 'lot'...
    Demon? That's her husband you're talking about.
    Lynn

    Still woman, but no lady.

    And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Rom. 8:28

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