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Thread: This is hard for me... Please read.

  1. #41
    Senior Member EarnestQ's Avatar
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    Default Re: This is hard for me... Please read.

    Quote Originally Posted by Wingedeagle View Post
    He has clinically diagnosed adult ADD as well as anxiety and depression. 3 months after we got married and moved to a new city he lost his job and was unemployed for over two years. During that time I experienced two miscarriages. He finally found a permanent job when I was almost 6 months pregnant with our now 5yo. With her I was so sick some days I could not even open my eyes with out getting dizy and throwing up. Hubby had to do most every thing during that time. She was born healthy but my recovery was slow and it was months before I felt normal again. I was also in college at this time. Baby girl was just 20 months old when I found out I was pregnant again with her younger sister. While I was pregnant the last time; he became very unsatisfied with his job but was unable to find anything else. My grandma also passed away and my sister lost her first baby to still birth. I failed out of school and the stress of everything sent my blood pressure sky high. I ended up having an unplanned c-section and recovery was even slower than the first time. Our youngest was born healthy but after a few months began having health issues. She almost 3 now and has thankfully out grown most of her issues. We found out our house was full of mold and started having issues with our land lord refusing to fix things. We were both convinced that the poor condition of the house was part of the problem for our youngest but there was nothing we could do about it. We were finally able to move after more than a year of fighting every thing and hubby found a better job, but with no insurance. He went to a psychologist and got medicine for his ADD and depression but is not great at taking it.

    THAT IS A LOT OF STRESS!

    I was an adult when I was diagnosed with ADD/ADHD. It plays a major factor in nearly everything I do.

    If he is so inclined, he is welcome to IM me.
    God's Wisdom coin:
    Truth on one side and love on the other. You can't truly have one without the other.

    Love without truth is deception.

    Truth without love is arrogance.

    Love and Truth in balance is God's wisdom.

  2. #42
    Senior Member Angela53510's Avatar
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    Default Re: This is hard for me... Please read.

    You are living with an evil and selfish man. If he wants the laundry folded, tell him to do it himself. You are raising 2 daughters, and the only input they are getting about their father, is that it is ok to have rages, fits of anger, and hit his wife. Read Gal. 5:18-21. It is a sin list, with everything equal in it. Fits or outbursts of anger is on that list, along with drunkenness, sexual immorality and witchcraft. Do you understand that his constant temper tantrums are a sin against God, you and your daughters?

    Do you want your daughters to go through what you are going through? Because, this is what they think men do. Hit their wives, and make excuses for themselves.

    My advice is that if you think you can’t leave, the next time he touches you with a slap or a fist, or a kick or a shove, is phone the police. And stick to it. Tell them he hits you all the time. And I bet he does it in front of your daughters!

    I do worry for the girls. If he resents them, he will end up abusing them, too! And say it is their fault because they did something wrong, or looked the wrong way, or he’s protecting them or something equally ridiculous.

    You should contact your pastor immediately. If you are not in church, then start going this Sunday. If you are, they need to know what is happening. If they tell you to be a “better” wife, leave the church. Hopefully that will not happen to you, as there is a lot more training and understanding of Domestic Violence, within marriages in the church these days.

    By the way, a Christian man NEVER hits his wife. The Bible NEVER says that is ok, even in the OT. So, reevaluate him, and recognize his actions speak louder than his words. He is no Christian.

    I am not saying he has to be perfect, there is no such person. But the line in the sand is abuse. And that is verbal, emotional physical, and, oh yes - financial. Do you not have access to family funds? You say you have no money. All money in a marriage is shared. That is the law in Canada and the US. If he does not give you access to money, except exactly what you need for groceries, then that’s is financial abuse.

    There is a pattern here, and you need to break free of it. Please, before it is too late!
    Hungry likes this.
    "And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me." 2 Cor. 12:9 NASB

  3. #43
    Senior Member Dan58's Avatar
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    Default Re: This is hard for me... Please read.

    Quote Originally Posted by Hungry View Post
    Unless you are ready to kill this individual, fighting back is a poor option. “Violence begets violence.” If you want to antagonize a control freak then try to take it from them. Telling him “no sex” would probably lead to rape. He’s a violent offender as it is. Leave or kill. Those are the only viable options. In his eyes, people are objects, pets at best. His lack of owning his behaviour is telltale sociopathic.
    I in no way was advocating escalating it into killing someone, but was just insinuating that she not be a willing punching bag while wondering what she's doing wrong to promote the abuse. Perhaps I'm thinking like a typical male, we have a natural instinct to fight back, i.e; if someone hits you, you deck them. But there are protective services available for abused women, she should fight back by utilizing that option the next time he goes into a rage.

    Quote Originally Posted by Wingedeagle View Post
    Thank you for your response, but it really isn't helpful. The lack of time together and limited intimacy is part of the problem. Withholding to "punish" him would only make things worse and more dangerous.
    Perhaps my suggestions were off base, but my point was that you need to resist him by making sure that he suffers repercussions for physical violence, even if its making him aware that if it happens again, he'll be hauled off in the back of a squad car and not allowed back. You said it yourself, "It would only make things worse and more dangerous". He's controlling you with fear, and that's a sad scenario. He's essentially saying, "Don't do that or else".. What a sweetheart.. Anyhow, its tough to give specific advise, just make yourself and the safety of your kids a priority. If he comes at you again, hit him with some pepper spray, run to the nearest neighbor with your kids and call the police.

    And sorry his parents don't care... At your age, if my wife called my folks and told them I was hitting her, my Dad would have come over and beat me with a ball bat

    Angela53510, Hungry and EarnestQ like this.

  4. #44
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    Default Re: This is hard for me... Please read.

    Quote Originally Posted by Wingedeagle View Post
    He has clinically diagnosed adult ADD as well as anxiety and depression. 3 months after we got married and moved to a new city he lost his job and was unemployed for over two years. During that time I experienced two miscarriages. He finally found a permanent job when I was almost 6 months pregnant with our now 5yo. With her I was so sick some days I could not even open my eyes with out getting dizy and throwing up. Hubby had to do most every thing during that time. She was born healthy but my recovery was slow and it was months before I felt normal again. I was also in college at this time. Baby girl was just 20 months old when I found out I was pregnant again with her younger sister. While I was pregnant the last time; he became very unsatisfied with his job but was unable to find anything else. My grandma also passed away and my sister lost her first baby to still birth. I failed out of school and the stress of everything sent my blood pressure sky high. I ended up having an unplanned c-section and recovery was even slower than the first time. Our youngest was born healthy but after a few months began having health issues. She almost 3 now and has thankfully out grown most of her issues. We found out our house was full of mold and started having issues with our land lord refusing to fix things. We were both convinced that the poor condition of the house was part of the problem for our youngest but there was nothing we could do about it. We were finally able to move after more than a year of fighting every thing and hubby found a better job, but with no insurance. He went to a psychologist and got medicine for his ADD and depression but is not great at taking it.
    Your life sounds like a bit of a train wreck....sorry. Depression medicine can cause horrible side effects including violence. It was reported that in many of the school shootings, antidepressants were a factor. Now that needs to be looked at objectively. The people were mentally “ill” which required medicine. Whether the antidepressants increased the violent tendencies or just lifted SOME of their depression symptoms, increasing motivation, but not dealing with the reason for their depression was the cause, is undetermined. Instead of the body dealing with the causes naturally, it gave them the energy to deal with there problems with great violent vigor. I understand how this happens but hey, let’s just take a pill and that makes everything all better. This may be a big piece in the puzzle. If he wasn’t violent before the meds, you need to call his doctor. You can’t mess with brain chemistry. If you wouldn’t take apart your electrical breaker box, charged with power, then you shouldn’t mess with the brain. God designed the brain to be programmed outside of the head. Instead of identifying that your life was highly stressful causing his depression, and symptoms, his symptoms were bypassed leaving the stress. Now he’s dealing with stress without the brains safety mechanism to slow you down. It’s like taking your new car with automatic safety breaking to the mechanic and tell him your car keeps stopping. He says no problem, not realizing you are just getting way too close to other vehicles. So, he removes the breaks, problem solved.

  5. #45
    Senior Member EarnestQ's Avatar
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    Default Re: This is hard for me... Please read.

    Have you investigated what is available locally for victims of domestic abuse? I expect your county, and perhaps your city if it is big enough, has options available for you.

    Call around to local churches and see if they can put you in contact with services and ministries in your area.

    YOU HAVE GOT TO DO SOMETHING TO GET OUT OF THAT DANGEROUS SITUATION!



    Also try to find free county or city mental health services. You need someone to help you through this difficult and stressful situation.

    (If you or he are veterans, there might be some help available at the nearest veterans hospital.)
    God's Wisdom coin:
    Truth on one side and love on the other. You can't truly have one without the other.

    Love without truth is deception.

    Truth without love is arrogance.

    Love and Truth in balance is God's wisdom.

  6. #46
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    Default Re: This is hard for me... Please read.

    You can save your marriage. God can change him into the husband he should be.

    Please take the time to watch this and change/save your marriage, God bless

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=llf-aoQfLkA

    Sermon by Jimmy Evans called: When your spouse hurts you.

  7. #47
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    Default Re: This is hard for me... Please read.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ugly View Post
    The guy is a TEXTBOOK abuser. He sounds like All the other abusers in the world. Apologizes, but also says it's your fault.
    He's not sorry. It's not your fault. And statistics say he is almost guaranteed not to change. Abusers Rarely change. Because they blame the victims rather than take responsibility for their actions.

    Your choices, stay in it, keep getting abused mentally, physically and emotionally and pray he doesn't kill you one day, or may be one day you'll hope he does. Or start making plans to leave.

    I am not a trained counselor but I have helped numerous women in relationships of varying levels of abuse. I've yet to meet a single one that regrets leaving.
    You could attempt counseling, but since it seems he's had zero consequences up to this point he has absolutely no motivation to change. The most likely scenario is him criticizing the counselor for any effort to suggest he has even the tiniest blame for any of it.
    And a common mistake women in general make, even without abuse, expecting the man to change into what they want. It's pretty slim that will happen to begin with, but with an abuser it's nearly non-existent.

    Start trying to save money, figure out plans where to go, etc... it will be incredibly scary to go out on your own, but in the long run you will be thankful that you did.

    BINGO!

    Contact your domestic violence hotline. You can do so anonymously. they will advise you what to do. At the very least read, read, and read some more. These men to do not change. They get worse with time. You may not be able to leave right now, but you can have a plan. There is free counseling for you. There are safe houses for women with children if things get really out of hand.

    Get the book: "Why Does He Do That", by Lundy. You may be able to get it from a Public Library. Maybe online. It is one of the best. Explains all the different types of abusers. They get nasty. Then they promise to do better and be nice. then it is back to the nasty again.

    Fortunately there are free resources ... read about them online ... google: "domestic violence hotline" ... even if you just go there to read.

    There are group meetings for women in your situation if you can manage that. There used to be individual free counseling too.


    EarnestQ likes this.

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