I have been married to my husband for 15 years and been with him since I was 17. His younger brother is 9 months younger than me and we have always had a very brother/sister type relationship. I acted like a protective big sister because he frequently has made bad choices that have left him in poor health, in jail, and so much more... now he is 35 and still living at home and at thanksgiving when we went to stay he went out and got drunk/high and started texting me. He was saying that I could "put him in that special mood" and he'd had feelings he shouldn't about me that he shouldn't for 10 years. All of which I could have gently handled. But the conversation took a turn, he expressed he has odd sexual fantasies that involved women's shoes and that I was frequently the star in this fantasies. He told me to open his closet doors (he was texting me this while away from the house). I did and two closets and a dresser were full of women's shoes that he has been intimate with. I woke my husband up and we packed up all the shoes ($1000s worth) in trash bags and snuck them out of the house and into the trash before his mother could see because we didn't want her to see and her upset. Since then we have had to avoid him at all costs including his college graduation because I am worried about being around him. Now that summer is coming around my kids each get 2 days to go spend with their grandmother at her house which is 1.5 hours from us. I do not want my children in a home with a alcoholic, drug using, felon, sexual deviant. He has made it clear he resents my husband because my husband has worked hard and has achieved a moderate level of success. 2 years ago he became violent towards my husband because his football team did not win against my husband football team and he spiraled into "everything is your fault". My mother in law doesn't know any of this. I didn't want to upset her. But I can't let my 12 year old blossoming daughter go stay where there is a sexual deviant. I am afraid I am at a crossroads of having to tell her. But, HOW do I tell her? She is a wonderful Christian woman and I love her and don't want her to be hurt and I don't want her to stop loving me. What should I do? How should I tell her?
Sexually Deviant brother in law
- Thread starter ShelbyBelle104
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U
You shouldn't. Your husband should. Simple.
But be grateful he didn't have you arrested for theft. You had no right, spiritually, or legally, to throw his things out, no matter your reasoning.
He's just a typical addict. Blame shifting. It's nothing new.
Have your husband talk to his own mother rather than passing the difficult discussion on to someone else, because that makes more sense. And it takes you out of the direct line of fire. And your husband should man up and defend his family (you and the kids) anyways.
But be grateful he didn't have you arrested for theft. You had no right, spiritually, or legally, to throw his things out, no matter your reasoning.
He's just a typical addict. Blame shifting. It's nothing new.
Have your husband talk to his own mother rather than passing the difficult discussion on to someone else, because that makes more sense. And it takes you out of the direct line of fire. And your husband should man up and defend his family (you and the kids) anyways.
I suspect that since your brother-in-law is an alcoholic, drug user, felon, and is still living with his mother at 35, I doubt your mother-in-law would be surprised to also learn that he's a sexual deviant too.. I'd tell her why your uncomfortable leaving your daughter stay at her house, she has a right to know your reason.. jmo
I should have specified that it would be my husband and me both speaking to his mother. My husband has "manned up" and always taken care of his family. He has had to cut his brother and even his own father out of his life to protect his family all without a word of complaint or resentment. I'd say that is plenty manly. The only reason nothing has been said so far is because I wanted to protect his mother, I love her very much. As for me having no right to throw away his shoes.... when a man tells me that he has bought shoes that were my size and my style just to masturbate into them while thinking about me, then asks me to go see them in his closet, I don't care what the "law" says. He violated ME! He had no right to think of me that way or tell me those disgusting things. I don't think there is a cop on this planet or a judge that would blame me. As for spiritually, my husband took away what he used to commit sins...coveting his brother's wife.
Your husband needs discuss these concerns with the mother. It would be even more hurtful in the long run to all concerned if nothing is ever said or discussed. Your BIL is very envious of your husband because of the right choices that your husband made in his life while he accomplished nothing positive and basically wasted many years living in misery and self-pity. By all means keep your daughter away from this creep and you should steer clear of him as well. I agree with Ugly in that you had no right to trash the guy's things but what's done is done. A group prayer about this situation may be very helpful and provide guidance in moving forward.
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I had no right? What right did he have to imagine me sexually when I have never done anything to encourage such thoughts. What right did he have to tell me about his sick fantasies and what he did in detail and ask me to look at it? He violated me! His women's shoes filled with gross stuff have no rights! He doesn't have the right to own them, masturbate on them and then tell me about it! As a Christian the fact that you can't see that I had every right to remove something that he was using to sexualize ME is disturbing.
All we ever hear about is women destroying men for sexual harassment. Making them feel weak and helpless. Everybody jumps to these women's defense. Just because this man is not my boss his intent was the same. He did it thinking I wouldnt tell because he knows I'm nice and I want to keep peace. What he did was sexual harassment, disturbing and violated my spirit as a Christian. He used those shoes as an instrument of the devil to commit sin, fantasizing about his brother's wife and I chose to get rid of the devils tools. I took away what he used to try to exert power over me. I have zero doubt that in God's eyes and Jesus's eyes I did the right thing.
I did not ever ask for your opinion or anyone else's on wether or not I should have gotten rid of the shoes. I asked for advice on how to tell my mother-in-law that her son is a sexual deviant and I am not comfortable my children being in the same house as him. I expected helpful, educated, Christian, spiritual responses. Not defense of a sexual deviant's tools and rights.
All we ever hear about is women destroying men for sexual harassment. Making them feel weak and helpless. Everybody jumps to these women's defense. Just because this man is not my boss his intent was the same. He did it thinking I wouldnt tell because he knows I'm nice and I want to keep peace. What he did was sexual harassment, disturbing and violated my spirit as a Christian. He used those shoes as an instrument of the devil to commit sin, fantasizing about his brother's wife and I chose to get rid of the devils tools. I took away what he used to try to exert power over me. I have zero doubt that in God's eyes and Jesus's eyes I did the right thing.
I did not ever ask for your opinion or anyone else's on wether or not I should have gotten rid of the shoes. I asked for advice on how to tell my mother-in-law that her son is a sexual deviant and I am not comfortable my children being in the same house as him. I expected helpful, educated, Christian, spiritual responses. Not defense of a sexual deviant's tools and rights.
Thank you! My mother-in-law frequently comes to stay. This is the one time
a year she has them up to be with her and do things in her city that are new and different tha. Here. My kids look forward to it also so I wish it was just as easy as asking her to come here. If I don't let them go her feelings will be hurt and if we tell her then her feelings will be hurt. Unfortunately it's a no-win situation for her. ?????? I just wish I knew how to phrase everything and let her know in the most gentle way possible.
a year she has them up to be with her and do things in her city that are new and different tha. Here. My kids look forward to it also so I wish it was just as easy as asking her to come here. If I don't let them go her feelings will be hurt and if we tell her then her feelings will be hurt. Unfortunately it's a no-win situation for her. ?????? I just wish I knew how to phrase everything and let her know in the most gentle way possible.
you've been warned by some very experienced teachers, here on 'your thread' -
take heed, and be warned;
who would ever give a flip if your 'mil', came to visit or not, and it is definitely NOT
a 'NO WAY SITUATION: it would seem, after reading your response, that you are
putting yourself as the NO WAY...another words, 'a TROLL'...your 'tell', was 'her'...
get out your BIBLE and READ, for you are in arrears...
take heed, and be warned;
who would ever give a flip if your 'mil', came to visit or not, and it is definitely NOT
a 'NO WAY SITUATION: it would seem, after reading your response, that you are
putting yourself as the NO WAY...another words, 'a TROLL'...your 'tell', was 'her'...
get out your BIBLE and READ, for you are in arrears...
LOL, Joe.. 
Your BIL is a pervert with a fetish for (wearing?) women's shoes, and probably is a closet cross dresser also. Anyhoo, there's no way in heck that you should allow your daughter to be around him, let alone be alone with him...The guy is a sick puppy, a sexual deviant who has inappropriate fantasies about you. He probably fantasizes about your daughter as well.. :/
What does your hubby say/think about all of this? Is he as upset as you are about it? If not, he should be. This guy is bad news all the way around. I agree that hubby needs to man up and speak to his mom AND brother about all this. Have him show his Mom the texts your BIL sent you.
Your BIL is a pervert with a fetish for (wearing?) women's shoes, and probably is a closet cross dresser also. Anyhoo, there's no way in heck that you should allow your daughter to be around him, let alone be alone with him...The guy is a sick puppy, a sexual deviant who has inappropriate fantasies about you. He probably fantasizes about your daughter as well.. :/
What does your hubby say/think about all of this? Is he as upset as you are about it? If not, he should be. This guy is bad news all the way around. I agree that hubby needs to man up and speak to his mom AND brother about all this. Have him show his Mom the texts your BIL sent you.
Taking anything over $300 in my state is a class D felony, so yeah, you did the wrong thing there.
Your husband should have drug his mother into that room & exposed all the sin in the closet. He probably would have discovered she knew all along.
Since he's lived at home all of his life, his mother is responsible for harboring such a pervert & drug addict. She's helping promote his lifestyle by providing a place for him to do it.
Your husband should have drug his mother into that room & exposed all the sin in the closet. He probably would have discovered she knew all along.
Since he's lived at home all of his life, his mother is responsible for harboring such a pervert & drug addict. She's helping promote his lifestyle by providing a place for him to do it.