Effect of pornography on a Christian marriage

I married a strong Christian man who struggled with pornography addiction off and on throughout our 19 year marriage. The temptation seemed to rear it's ugly head every 3 or 4 years. Each time he confessed or I found out about it he was very broken and repentant. He tried accountability partners, counseling with our Pastor and very brief counseling with a licensed Christian counselor but each time he gave in again it seemed to be worse. What started out as a brief look at a magazine grew into movies, then an emotional affair, then he left and asked for a divorce. He left because he said I wasn't his 'soulmate' and there was no intimate connection to me. He says that he prayed unceasingly for God to change his heart but got no response. I have a theory about his lack of connection to me but I'm wondering if anyone has had experience with this type of situation and maybe you can shed some light on why he couldn't connect with me no matter how hard he tried.

Originally Posted by LadyC

I married a strong Christian man who struggled with pornography addiction off and on throughout our 19 year marriage. The temptation seemed to rear it's ugly head every 3 or 4 years. Each time he confessed or I found out about it he was very broken and repentant. He tried accountability partners, counseling with our Pastor and very brief counseling with a licensed Christian counselor but each time he gave in again it seemed to be worse. What started out as a brief look at a magazine grew into movies, then an emotional affair, then he left and asked for a divorce. He left because he said I wasn't his 'soulmate' and there was no intimate connection to me. He says that he prayed unceasingly for God to change his heart but got no response. I have a theory about his lack of connection to me but I'm wondering if anyone has had experience with this type of situation and maybe you can shed some light on why he couldn't connect with me no matter how hard he tried.

Addiction to pornography has a profound psychological effect. The sexual arousal without any emotional connection eventually makes the emotional connection a barrier to intimacy. In addition, because there is no true fulfillment, it requires increased consumption and often leads into deviancy. Often in order to become free, the addict must go through a long period of physical and mental celibacy.
Part of the problem is that in our society, the porn addict cannot escape exposure to soft porn, which begins the cycle all over again.
Pornography is mental adultery. Your situation sounds sever. I think you need to make sure that you are willing to go through the great trial neccesary to heal your marriage. You may be free in the Lord's eyes, but if He call you to remain married or if you choose to it will not be easy.
Also, like an alcoholic, you will have to identify the events that set in motion the thought patterns that lead to the addictive behavior.
Finally, there is the possibility that God will miraculously heal him. Whether God does so or not, you will need a lot of prayer, the strength of the Lord, and the peace of the Holy Spirit.

[grace]

(re-post of what I wrote on your other thread on this subject)

I was not married to this person....but was in a relationship where he confessed to me that it has corrupted his mind so much that he is guilt ridden.
He almost can't forgive himself for *not* being able to get over the porn and masturbation.
I had told him that I would not and could not compete with it...and I think men realize this as well.

Even though you know it is not you...it can be very exhausting always wondering why your not enough. Its a visious cycle for everyone involved. Leaves many broken and empty hearts.


Also, I like the post above this....very well said.

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

Originally Posted by LadyC

I married a strong Christian man who struggled with pornography addiction off and on throughout our 19 year marriage. The temptation seemed to rear it's ugly head every 3 or 4 years. Each time he confessed or I found out about it he was very broken and repentant. He tried accountability partners, counseling with our Pastor and very brief counseling with a licensed Christian counselor but each time he gave in again it seemed to be worse. What started out as a brief look at a magazine grew into movies, then an emotional affair, then he left and asked for a divorce. He left because he said I wasn't his 'soulmate' and there was no intimate connection to me. He says that he prayed unceasingly for God to change his heart but got no response. I have a theory about his lack of connection to me but I'm wondering if anyone has had experience with this type of situation and maybe you can shed some light on why he couldn't connect with me no matter how hard he tried.

I feel really sad for him. He must have struggled so hard in your marriage. Sexual addiction is a very very tough thing to get out from.
I'm not sure why he said he doesnt have a connection with you, but i sympathize with the man. I hope you still pray for him.

[greatkraw]

did he ever feel a connection to you?

even in the early days?

guys who look at porn are looking for something that porn promises but does not provide

soul mate is a greek concept

you will not find it in scripture

non christians rush into a relationship without being cautious

christians do the same thing and dress up the justification in spiritualisations

the only answer ever was to take time and be cautious and get to know a person and be sure

one of the hugest problems human beings have is a disinclination to get to know members of the opposite sex as human beings or friends

they only want to get acquainted with a member of the other sex while they are potential mates and when that is no longer an option lose interest

this faulty attitude has huge repercussions that impact their whole life

it is so much better to get to know people as friends

and maybe one of those friendships will develop into something more

Originally Posted by grace

(re-post of what I wrote on your other thread on this subject)

I was not married to this person....but was in a relationship where he confessed to me that it has corrupted his mind so much that he is guilt ridden.
He almost can't forgive himself for *not* being able to get over the porn and masturbation.
I had told him that I would not and could not compete with it...and I think men realize this as well.

Even though you know it is not you...it can be very exhausting always wondering why your not enough. Its a visious cycle for everyone involved. Leaves many broken and empty hearts.


Also, I like the post above this....very well said.

Yep, but I don't think anyone is going to be enough for someone involved in this. Too bad too many just give up and resign themselves to never being victorious.

Originally Posted by charisenexcelcis

Addiction to pornography has a profound psychological effect. The sexual arousal without any emotional connection eventually makes the emotional connection a barrier to intimacy. In addition, because there is no true fulfillment, it requires increased consumption and often leads into deviancy. Often in order to become free, the addict must go through a long period of physical and mental celibacy.
Part of the problem is that in our society, the porn addict cannot escape exposure to soft porn, which begins the cycle all over again.
Pornography is mental adultery. Your situation sounds sever. I think you need to make sure that you are willing to go through the great trial neccesary to heal your marriage. You may be free in the Lord's eyes, but if He call you to remain married or if you choose to it will not be easy.
Also, like an alcoholic, you will have to identify the events that set in motion the thought patterns that lead to the addictive behavior.
Finally, there is the possibility that God will miraculously heal him. Whether God does so or not, you will need a lot of prayer, the strength of the Lord, and the peace of the Holy Spirit.

Your thoughts support what I have been told by other Christian therapists-thank you for giving me such a 'layman's' explanation-it's very easy to understand what you're saying. Unfortunately, he wanted no reconciliation and pursued other adulturous relationships. The divorce is now final. He has no desire to fight the addiction or recognize it as a problem. Just figures I wasn't the right one for him.

Originally Posted by NodMyHeadLikeYeah

I feel really sad for him. He must have struggled so hard in your marriage. Sexual addiction is a very very tough thing to get out from.
I'm not sure why he said he doesnt have a connection with you, but i sympathize with the man. I hope you still pray for him.

I do pray for him. Mostly because he has left his faith and beliefs as well. He was the eppitomy of one wlho walked closely with God-at least that's how it appeared-to me and everyone else. I know God misses him-he was always talking about his daily conversations with God.

Originally Posted by greatkraw

did he ever feel a connection to you?

even in the early days?

guys who look at porn are looking for something that porn promises but does not provide

soul mate is a greek concept

you will not find it in scripture

non christians rush into a relationship without being cautious

christians do the same thing and dress up the justification in spiritualisations

the only answer ever was to take time and be cautious and get to know a person and be sure

one of the hugest problems human beings have is a disinclination to get to know members of the opposite sex as human beings or friends

they only want to get acquainted with a member of the other sex while they are potential mates and when that is no longer an option lose interest

this faulty attitude has huge repercussions that impact their whole life

it is so much better to get to know people as friends

and maybe one of those friendships will develop into something more

I think now as I look back there was a connection but it was very brief. He had many girlfriends and yes we were friends first but for some reason he chose me to marry. I had a connection with him right from the beginning. Even though I knew about the addiction I was committed to doing anything necessary to help him and our marriage-I couldn't imagine growing old with someone else but he couldn't relate to me in that way.

[grace]

Originally Posted by LadyC

I think now as I look back there was a connection but it was very brief. He had many girlfriends and yes we were friends first but for some reason he chose me to marry. I had a connection with him right from the beginning. Even though I knew about the addiction I was committed to doing anything necessary to help him and our marriage-I couldn't imagine growing old with someone else but he couldn't relate to me in that way.

This has been a blessing in disguise for me in many many ways. At first I was quite upset for the ending of the relationship...but retrospect is an amazing thing.
I look now at the lack of willingness to fight for what is right and true for his christian walk.
He is in so much denial, and I do believe will continue to be unfaithful in many ways over the years. I know know he was unfaithful to me (although he deniies is)...and unless he fully surrenders under God..he more than likely will continue to be.

So sad for him and for your former husband. I am so sorry.

[JesusIsReal]

While i was Meditating Searching Jesus Christ, with the Motivation of Finding and Understanding his Love for Me, something came into my Mind.


The People in this Generation, Teenagers, young Adults or even Elderly have gotten used to getting
so much of one Different Love Type, that they Totaly forget to search, want, or comprehend other Types of Love.


In this World, in This Time, in this Generation Eros is a type of Love wich is being Thrown around
being made available to and for all, and can be found in more places then these other Types of Love, will it be Agape or Philio.


Eros is a Type of Love that is a "Intimate Love" that is Based on sexual love and beauty.


Because it became such, people at a very Young Age, Learn that because Eros is easy to Get and there are Plenty of Other People wanting that same Eros Love... there Mind and Hearts are being Defiled, giving no Heed to Agape or Philio Love. No Not even Asking themselfs what other Kind of Love is Out there. This Eros love we learn at a very Young Age, you might Hear your Young Brother, Sister, Father or Mother, Friends talk about There Sexual Expierence and how much they Love Someone Because of ther Beuty. Even Today Men/Women do not say..Lets have Sex or as the Bible would say, Lets Lay Together, No in this World we say Lets Make Love.


Even so that Eros Love, for them, Represents The Only Kind of Love that is Important to attain and Keep. We see the Beuty of a Person, Imagine Vain things with them and Our Hearts and Minds are Attracted to certain or all aspects of there Beauty.


Unfortunatly if you Fall in this Circle were no other Love is wanted to be Attained the Eros Love, your Mind or Heart will never Ask himself...What other Kind of Love is out there, is this the only Kind Love that i can "Fall" into and Enjoy.


Eros typ of Love can be found in Television, Internet, on the Street Corners, Clubs, Magazines, you Name it.


But thanks to the Lord Jesus Christ and Blessed is the Man who is with Jesus Christ on a Journey to find and seek a different Kind of Love. Wikipedia Speaks of a Certain kind of Love Called Agape, now im not sure how far i should go with Agape and the Meaning of it, seeing that Eros is a Greek God of Lust. How wierd that is. But lets Take Agape and see if it is in Harmony with the Scriptures.


Agape is one of several ancient Greek words for distinct types of love, one which became particularly appropriated in Christian theology as the love of God or Christ for mankind, though its distinction as a particular type of love predates Christianity. (pronounced /ˈæɡəpiː/ AG-ə-pee;[1] and sometimes /əˈɡɑːpeɪ/ ə-GAH-pay after the Classical Greek agápē; Modern Greek: αγάπη [aˈɣapi]), also called love, is one of several Greek words translated into English as love. Many have thought that this word represents divine, unconditional, self-sacrificing, active, volitional, and thoughtful love.


Divine, Unconditional, Self-Sacrificing, Active, Volitional and Thoughtfull.
Now if anyone does not now what any of these words Mean i will Write them Down .


Divin = Godly
Unconditiona l= without conditions or limitations
Volitional = A conscious choice or decision.


The Scripture Says
1 Corinthians 13:44 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 John 4:9This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son[a] into the world that we might live through him.

1 John 4:8 God is love.

John 4:24 God is spirit

And
1 John 1:5 God is light



There are many today who talk about the love of God, who are total strangers to the God of love. The Divine love is commonly regarded as a species of amiable weakness, a sort of good-natured indulgence; it is reduced to a mere sickly sentiment, patterned after human emotion. Now the truth is that on this, as on everything else, our thoughts need to be formed and regulated by what is revealed thereon in Holy Scripture. That there is urgent need for this is apparent not only from the ignorance which so generally prevails, but also from the low state of spirituality which is now so sadly evident everywhere among professing Christians. How little real love there is for God. One chief reason for this is because our hearts are so little occupied with His wondrous love for His people. The better we are acquainted with His love—its character, fulness, blessedness—the more will our hearts be drawn out in love to Him.
A Person, Man or Women who is in Bondage of Sexual Lust, its not only because of there Temptation, Obviously if one of us were being tempted to Kill a person we would Laugh and think "I COULD NEVER DO THAT", but how far and scary it may seem, if a person delights and enjoys a certain act of Sin, offcourse he or she will have a great of trouble with Repentance or Resisting the Temptation. Now you Might say he is a Christian, and start Judgeing Him, telling him, he has the Spirit, he has Jesus Christ, he has the Scriptures, wich is True...if he Chooses to use that and Fight it off he will Succeed. But the Question is...Does he have the Love of God in him?, Does he have Love for God?
John 14:23 Jesus replied, "If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him.
As You can see, he might have everything neccesarry to gain Victory if he Chooses, but will not Repent because of Lack of Love for Jesus Christ in his Heart to Turn to and Repent. What Motivation does that Person have to Fight?, what does he Believe he will Gain?, some might say Holiness, others Might say so he or she might Repent, or others might say to get Rid of a Bondage. But every Person has its own sets of Problems.
A person may not know any other kind of Love but Eros, never Felt the Love of God, never Felt the Love of a Mother or Father, or from there Brother/s and Sister/s.
A person who is in Bondage of Sexual Lust wich is Eros or the Beauty of a Person can turn to the Lord and may Pray and Meditate onto the Lord Jesus Christ asking him to show that Person the Love of God, a Person who just found out that he searched for Love in the Wrong Place might Turn to the Lord Jesus Christ and say...Lord i am Looking for Love and i found it here and there, but thy Laws and Commandments Convict me, so it is not what you want me to Gain..so here i am asking to show me Your Love for Me and what Your Love is like.
I Truely believe that The Love of God wich is in Jesus Christ is the key for All Men, that whoever will Recieve it, will go out with a Motivation that is True, and want to overcome everything and anything with everything that Jesus Christ has given us.



Go to your Husband, and You and Him Search the Love out that is in Jesus Christ, with Prayer Mediation and if it is good in both of your eyes, through Fasting. Have Patients with your Husband and Search Jesus Christ with that ONE reason.

Originally Posted by LadyC

Your thoughts support what I have been told by other Christian therapists-thank you for giving me such a 'layman's' explanation-it's very easy to understand what you're saying. Unfortunately, he wanted no reconciliation and pursued other adulturous relationships. The divorce is now final. He has no desire to fight the addiction or recognize it as a problem. Just figures I wasn't the right one for him.

I am so sorry. I will pray that you will have peace and that God will fill your life with good things.

[Jullianna]

I have a friend whose husband lost his job because of his porn addiction. He was warned time and time again to stop looking at it at work and he simply wouldn't...or couldn't... do it. It must be a terribly strong addiction... My friend stayed with her husband and he is getting help. Those suffering from it need a great deal of prayer.

I admire my friend for staying with her husband. It must be very difficult for her. I know it would be very difficult for me to have an intimate relationship with someone with this problem, as I'm sure it would most women. So much healing involved..and trust violated...

I gave up chatting completely about 5 years ago because of the things going on in secular chatrooms. The Internet is a virtual Sodom and Gomorrah. I just started chatting in cc a few months ago and am so happy there's a site like this where such things are not permitted.