Family break up when children are involved.

[Lndnwll]

Me and my son's father recently split while I was pregnant with our second child. For him, it has been easy to move on because i believe he was already seeing someone else. For me it has been harder because I am still very much in love with him. Since I have had our second child, he comes out pretty often to see them. I am happy that he still chooses to be in their life but right now with every thing being so fresh, it makes it harder on me to move on...Right now, he comes about two times during the week and on Saturday because i need him to watch them for me while I am at work. I was playing with the idea, of asking him to only come on Saturday at least until I am able to cope a bit better. I will be starting school in Sept so in Sept he can come during the week because I get in late...by the time I get in, he can be on his way out.

Am I being selfish? Things ended pretty badly and right now it is really rough for me. I just want to be able to move on with my life but seeing him so often only brings me down. *sigh*

Oh thats so sad esp.that u are pregnant.have u tried to talk with your husband. What did he say about it? Do pray. God will make a way.

[Lndnwll]

I had the baby in June...but we did split up while I was pregnant. I tried letting him stay there hoping things would work itself out but he said that he didnt want to be with me and when he became to much for me to deal with i asked him to leave.

I pray on it but right now, I do not know if it would be selfish of me to tell him to only come on Saturdays while i am at work because like I said, it is still hard to see someone that you want to be with but they dont feel the same about you.

[AliceOfLegend]

Its not selfish to feel that way, but if you child wants to see his father more than just on saturdays, then you shouldn't stop him. If your son is old enough he could stay at his fathers for a night, that way you wouldn't have to be doing much interaction with the dad if you did not want to.


Honestly, I applaud you for being able to leave him, I find that all to often people "stay together for the kids." which is much harder on children. They often know when something is up between mom and dad.

[Lndnwll]

Thank you AliceOfLegend... Yeah it wasnt easy at all... But i just wasnt happy in my situation...I would have loved for us to work it out, especially because we have children together but it wasnt even healthy for them...Let alone us....so it it what it is.

My son is 2, and the other child is a month old...My oldest son loves to see his father...loves to spend time with him and loves to be around him. He adores his father...and is always calling for him. I would love to feel comfortable with him going to stay with his father but his father and I do not live in the same state...so he commutes back and fourth to see the children weekly...which I appreciate because I know that he loves his kids...BUT it just makes it REALLY hard for me to move on...and he has since moved on...mind you it has only been about a month since we have OFFICALLY split up...but he has already moved on...and that hurts...So that is why I need him to give me some more space since this isnt what he wants... But I dont want to be selfish because we have the kids to think about...

[AliceOfLegend]

=/ I'm really sorry, that is a tough situation,

All I can really suggest is praying for guidance and peace in this situation..and keep your chin up. You will get through this.

Originally Posted by Lndnwll

Me and my son's father recently split while I was pregnant with our second child. For him, it has been easy to move on because i believe he was already seeing someone else. For me it has been harder because I am still very much in love with him. Since I have had our second child, he comes out pretty often to see them. I am happy that he still chooses to be in their life but right now with every thing being so fresh, it makes it harder on me to move on...Right now, he comes about two times during the week and on Saturday because i need him to watch them for me while I am at work. I was playing with the idea, of asking him to only come on Saturday at least until I am able to cope a bit better. I will be starting school in Sept so in Sept he can come during the week because I get in late...by the time I get in, he can be on his way out.

Am I being selfish? Things ended pretty badly and right now it is really rough for me. I just want to be able to move on with my life but seeing him so often only brings me down. *sigh*

I think that if you are trying to move on as in "letting him go". That you have a good plan to help you in that process. I would suggest that you not rush into any relationship.

[AliceOfLegend]

She didn't say anything about rushing into a relationship, shes still not over him so I doubt she will just jump into a new relationship..

Originally Posted by AliceOfLegend

She didn't say anything about rushing into a relationship, shes still not over him so I doubt she will just jump into a new relationship..

Just saying it in case. No offense intended.

My situation was very similar to yours. My ex cheeted on me when I was pregnant with my second child. We seperated for 1.5 years then tried to reconcile. That worked for about a year and he was back to his old ways again. The second time we seperated I decided I would not let him in my house no matter how much I needed him because I had to be strong and it just caused to much confusion with my children. He takes them sometimes on the weekdays but he goes somewhere with them and brings them home later. Everyother weekend he takes them to the house he lives at. It has made things so much easier for me and the children. When he comes to your home it causes the children to think he is home and if you arent going to reconcile you need to make it clear that he is not going to be in the home because he dosent live there. It is not selfish to hold your ground. If you are going to move on then you can not let him in your home anymore. Need a babysitter take them to him or have a friend babysit.

i think it isn't a selfish as long as you let him to meet with your son & keep their relationship going well, then maybe you need to talk to him that you need more times to make sure that you are ok with that situation. so you need to pray for it so you can find the answer for it.

[AliceOfLegend]

Originally Posted by forgvn3as1

My situation was very similar to yours. My ex cheeted on me when I was pregnant with my second child. We seperated for 1.5 years then tried to reconcile. That worked for about a year and he was back to his old ways again. The second time we seperated I decided I would not let him in my house no matter how much I needed him because I had to be strong and it just caused to much confusion with my children. He takes them sometimes on the weekdays but he goes somewhere with them and brings them home later. Everyother weekend he takes them to the house he lives at. It has made things so much easier for me and the children. When he comes to your home it causes the children to think he is home and if you arent going to reconcile you need to make it clear that he is not going to be in the home because he dosent live there. It is not selfish to hold your ground. If you are going to move on then you can not let him in your home anymore. Need a babysitter take them to him or have a friend babysit.

I don't agree with the whole not letting him in the house thing. That would have confused me more than him being in the house. My parents are not divorced but my older bro and his ex had a child together and she was having some mental issues at the time of the relationship and for awhile during and after the end( she is doing a lot better now). The cops had actually up at our house a few times (her and bro lived in the downstairs app) . The relationship did not end the best but they both put my nephew first. they get along much much better now and my nephew alternates sleeping at my bros apartment and his moms place. My bros ex is in/at the house all the time. And my nephew is fine with it.

[Lndnwll]

The thing is, by me seeing him so often it makes it harder for me to move on and to let go. He comes to the house and its awkward because just a month and a half ago, or maybe even more like 2 months now, we talked and chatted like things were ok...we spoke on the phone, I texted him...just simple things like that...so for me to just have to stop JUST LIKE THAT, because things arent the same any more...it makes it hard on me because when he comes over it is just a constant reminder of what I wanted...but do not have...and thats for us all to be together as a family. Another thing that bothers me is that my son runs back and fourth from the living room to the bedroom because he is used to playing with us both together but now, I dont go in there with them because it isnt a "natural feeling" if any one understands what I mean by that...

I don't want to come between my son and his father...and it would probably be more easier for me to allow him to go with his father every other weekend but 1, I dont want my son around different women. I am not in a rush to be with any one nor have I sought out to date any one...so my son isnt around different men and I would never have him around any man unless I was sure that it was long term...which wont be for a LONG WHILE. He on the other hand, has already started seeing someone else...and I dont know this women from adam...My son already goes around pointing at different men saying "daddy" or looks out of the window saying "daddy" or asking where his "daddy" is at. I dont want him calling another women "mommy" or for him to be playing house with my son and his new gf. 2, he doesnt answer his phone when I call him...so if i wanted to call to speak to my son, I would just be out of luck. The last thing is, my sons father moved back to his mothers house. His mother has NEVER liked me from the first day that she met me. Why, I do not now...when I was in labor with our second child, I had no intentions on calling him but my mother thought he should at least be given the opportunity to see his son being born, so I called his mother to get in contact with him and she didnt even want to put him on he phone nor did she want to contact him...and to top it all off, she had an attitude with me for being in labor! I dont want either of my kids around her...SO i am just caught in a tough spot right now and I really don't know what to do.

I just don't want it to be selfish of me to make him STAY AWAY for a while...just until I sort my feelings out...everything is still fresh for me...and seeing him, speaking to him...anything...is like re-opening, what I just went through...and it is hard. He was my bestfriend...and now we dont even have that...so it's really hard for me right now...

[AliceOfLegend]

I was only trying to point out that not allowing your sons father in the house isnot always needed,

I really think you should talk to his dad, try and keep it civil and just talk about what concerns you have, discuss reasonable ground rules (like the gf not coming over etc) and do tell him you need time.

[Lndnwll]

AliceOfLegend, I completely understand where you are coming from. =)

I wish it was that easy to just talk to him and let him know how I feel and what has been going on. This is one of the reasons we had so many issues. It's hard talking to him because if he doesn't agree, we will end up arguing. I could tell him NOT to do something because of the way it makes me feel and his argument would be "it is always about you and how you feel". So this is why it's become so hard to talk to him about anything. Its sad...it really is because for us to go from friends to enemys after having children...smh..I really do not know what to say about that...I just know I need time to gather my thoughts and to "let him go."

[AliceOfLegend]

Oh gosh..conversations with people of that nature are difficult...


I really don't know what to say, if you think a break from him is best, then do that, but he needs to respect your rules and realize it's not all about what he wants either.

You post felt so personal to me. I completely understand how you feel. My ex husband left me weeks after our 5th baby was born. In his case, there was someone else and before I could even process that fact, they left the state together. I too struggled so much when he would see the kids or call them. I was still in love with him and it took quite a while for the shock and the feelings to fade enough for me to move on with my life. With God, with so much prayer, and with support I did in time. It didnt happen over night of course, but it did happen. In all honestly, even though I'm at a place now where I consider myself "good" I have my moments, however now they are more that I miss the memories of what once was. Allow yourself time to grieve and time to heal. Its amazing the grace God gives us when we go through trials and hardships. I look back now and wonder how people do it without the Lord.

[Lndnwll]

Originally Posted by EllaD

You post felt so personal to me. I completely understand how you feel. My ex husband left me weeks after our 5th baby was born. In his case, there was someone else and before I could even process that fact, they left the state together. I too struggled so much when he would see the kids or call them. I was still in love with him and it took quite a while for the shock and the feelings to fade enough for me to move on with my life. With God, with so much prayer, and with support I did in time. It didnt happen over night of course, but it did happen. In all honestly, even though I'm at a place now where I consider myself "good" I have my moments, however now they are more that I miss the memories of what once was. Allow yourself time to grieve and time to heal. Its amazing the grace God gives us when we go through trials and hardships. I look back now and wonder how people do it without the Lord.

Wow... That is terrible. I am sorry that happened to you. How did you deal with him wanting to speak to his children knowing how you still felt about him? Did he come over often to see the kids? Did you allow the kids to go with him on weekends? I just don't know how I should approach this situation...I know that in the end I have to make what ever decision is best from me...I just want to make sure I am not being selfish with my choices. He and I only have two children, a 2 year old and a one month old...but we were together for so long..7 years...So it is a lot for me to swollow...He and I always talked about this and one thing I always said is that I would never come between him and his son...that was before I was pregnant with the second child. Last year we had a really bad falling out where he moved out on his own...But I was still trying to make things work and would call him all of the time until finally we decided to try again. But when we would get into arguments he would say that he is only here for his son...so i would tell him that he didnt have to be here...and that I wouldnt get in the way of the relationship that he has with his son...so now with the way I am feeling...I feel that I would sort of be getting in the way but at the same time...things ended REALLY BAD this time around AND i was pregnant when he decided he JUST WANTED OUT! So I am still heart broken by this...IDK...I am hoping it doesnt take long to move past this...How long did it take before you felt like you were in a better place to deal with him...for the sake of the children?

[Jullianna]

My heart aches to read the pain behind your post. But, as you know, being a mom is all about putting our babies above our own needs. You are doing the right thing by trying to get along with him and allowing him to spend as much time as he can with your children. They love you BOTH and need you BOTH.

I do think it's important for you to limit YOUR contact with him while God is healing your heart, especially when he's around you and your children. Children are very sensitive to the moods of their parents and can be very defensive of their moms when they think someone is hurting her.

My prayer is that God will intervene in this situation and bring restoration that is best for everyone involved, especially your precious babies.

[Lndnwll]

Originally Posted by Jullianna

My heart aches to read the pain behind your post. But, as you know, being a mom is all about putting our babies above our own needs. You are doing the right thing by trying to get along with him and allowing him to spend as much time as he can with your children. They love you BOTH and need you BOTH.

I do think it's important for you to limit YOUR contact with him while God is healing your heart, especially when he's around you and your children. Children are very sensitive to the moods of their parents and can be very defensive of their moms when they think someone is hurting her.

My prayer is that God will intervene in this situation and bring restoration that is best for everyone involved, especially your precious babies.

Thank you Jullianna...I am praying that God intervenes at some point as well...IF he has not already done so. I am just ready to move on with my life...what ever moving on means at this point.....I do want to put my children first in this situation...maybe I will just have to leave the house when he comes to see them so that he does get to spend time with them... idk...