Don't give up. It takes a lot for some people to mature in the way of relationships.
Fireproof is a great movie. If you both have already watched it though, it may just take some educating in the ways of communication and ways of resolving conflict.
Consider this for a second. We go to school grow up maybe even go to college and further our education, and through it all I find it strange we are rarely really taught how to interact with people in an effective way much less how to be in a serious relationship. Strange because both are inevitable and important And because of that our biggest example is usually from our parents. In that we pattern ourselves from what we have seen and what we knew as we developed taking in those aspects of what we seen in how to interact with the ones we love. If we weren't shown a healthy example growing up we can often pattern the same unhealthy behaviors in our own relationships later in life since we don't know any different. If we aren't shown a good example we then are left to go through the so called school of hard knocks in order to gain the insight and wisdom it takes to break the pattern and nurture a strong unfailing relationship in marriage.
So often we hear how important communication is. What we may not realize however is that there is effective communication and ineffective forms of communication.
Examples of ineffective communication would be something like...husband coming home and sitting down with a huff and exclaiming:
"what the heck dinner's not ready yet?" This would initiate an immediate defensive response from his wife, possibly with a comeback of "make ur own dinner". Then progressing into a fight.
In his mind the intended meaning may have actually been.."I've had a hard day, I'm hungry and glad to be home, been lookin forward to sit down to dinner with my wife and her good cookin."
That would have been a more effective way of communicating how he actually felt and initiating a pleasing response as opposed to a defensive one.
We should take time to think about how we can better frame the things we say in a productive way for our partner and even friends.
In such a case understanding that it may not be you at all. Sometimes in our laziness and complacency things just come out wrong.
Being understanding in the way of communication and having empathy for the other person helps to break the walls of defensiveness and deteriorated communication. Noticing the other persons anxiety at the time and just opening up with something like:
how was ur day....how was the drive home etc...may cause them to feel comfortable enough to melt their heart a little bit and let them open up since you are showing you care and are willing to listen and comfort. It lets both people get to the bottom of what at first seemed a tense moment when their current mood may not have even been the fault of either person.
Maybe the boss chewed his butt earlier that day, got stuck having to pee in traffice, got a ticket that day, bird hit the windshield on way home etc. and he's just ready to fire off on somebody, and when he comes home the first person in his sights is you but had nothing to do with you at all. Him understanding the reasons behind his behavior as well would likely help to refrain from taking things out on you.
Some of the best relationships are when one can empathize, absorb, and then open the lines of communication in a calm way.
One should always remain calm. If you are that one it will set the example and also cause the other to reflect and possibly feel remorse for their unintended actions later which can effectively cause them to think twice about how they word what they're feeling next time.
Also...most people haven't taken the time to understand the opposite sex and the different ways they communicate.
Counseling is a good way to help both partners understand one another in that aspect.
A man understanding a woman in the hidden ways she may communicate and sometimes they like to talk and share the good or bad of their day.
Little things and gestures that mean a lot to them.
A woman understanding that guys usually don't like to talk
1. when we're hungry LOL (remember the old saying a way to a man's heart is through his stomach I think that's where that came from)
2. when we have a lot on our mind. Men are problem solvers for the most part and often we're not quiet because of you it's more that we may be figuring something out for work the next day or whatever.
So when you notice that and would like to talk, there's a couple methods to try.
1.Possibly start off with something like...I know you work hard which I appreciate and may have a lot on your mind. Let me know if I can help you in any way.
2.If something is on your mind problem, something needs done, feel neglected etc...instead of proclaiming you ignored me, or why didnt you call or how come you didnt take the garbage out etc....framing it in the way of how it makes you feel since that is actually what you are trying to convey.
Saying something like..."it really makes me feel good when you call and let me know ur gonna be late" then leave it at that for him to think about and soak in.
Problem u'd like to discuss---instead of coming out with ...
we need to talk or
somethings bothering me
which would makes a guy think "uh oh what I do now" and sparking our defensiveness which lets face it it's in a our instinct to combat confrontation.
Just saying , "Hey hun, I want to talk about something for maybe 10 mins" and you dont have to respond or even say anything just listen for 10 mins maybe nod once or twice and thats all you have to do.
You've just laid it out in his mind in easy form and told him what you wanted and he doesnt even have to respond it's something easy he can do.
He's thinking wow just 10 mins(u laid out a time frame)
I just have to listen I can do that
I don't have to respond :O even easier...(u told him what you expect and he doesnt have to think of anything to say back yet so no arguing or interupting either)
So now he may think...Ok go ahead shoot lemme hear ya.
You say what you want to say...and he listens.
The thing about this is afterward what you say he will weigh in his mind and think about for a day or so and most likely want to talk about it with you again and come to a resolution.
Now Imma tell you a secret...guys are like this:
1. If you tell us a problem, we're gonna want to fix it
2. Don't tell us a problem unless you want us to fix it
The reason is since we care and we don't like her to be in discomfort we feel it is our job as a man to help. We may not realize you didn't want us to fix anything maybe you just wanted us to listen and get something out...it helps to be blunt with us. Most guys don't know how to read a woman since C'mon it's ok to admit it....they don't always say what they really mean or whats really on their mind.
If the problem is made to feel like we are the cause is when we get defensive and try and dismiss, avoid, transfer blame or argue. It's hard for someone to accept their faults or face how they may have contributed...foolish pride thing. Thats why God calls us to be humble and dismiss our pride.
So by being able to state what you feel without trying to blame or needing a response right at that point in time may help for the other person to reflect and gain wisdom in order to change their own actions.
There's 3 ways to gain wisdom:
reflection-most noble(thinking about something and planning and preventing something before it happens)
imitation-easiest(just copying someone although may have not learned anything)
experience-most bitter(again school of hard knocks)
If you can help your partner to reflect in a positive way it's a win - win situation for both people.
Pointing out the ineffective ways of communicating can also help us to make our conversations more effective and come to resolutions that please both people.
Also doing little things that would be appreciated. Doing the little things simply out of love without expecting anything in return shows the real love in your heart and can really make a person appreciate your efforts as well as make them feel how important they are to you.
It usually makes them want to reciprocate.
While there should be fairly equal amount of reciprocation, sometimes there's not due to circumstances of work or kids etc. Things done for one another should be done out of love and because you are showing you care as opposed to just doing things expecting something in return which can be taken as a form of selfishness.
For instance you may take a good friend out to lunch, bring them a baked pie, babysit their kids for a day...do you do it expecting something in return or more out of the kindness in your heart. The same attitude should be projectedto your partner.
Things such as; Instead of telling the other person to do something, Starting off with a compliment before asking for a favor.
Example:
"I made dinner you should do the dishes"......That statement is framing it as tho thats the only reason dinner was made, and having to do so was almost resented unless they did something in return.
On the other hand stating:
Did you like dinner?
...yeah it was good
Thank you I like cooking for you, I'm glad you like my cooking etc.
then wait...give it 10 mins
Hey hun would you mind helping me with the dishes tonight.
I'm not saying you have to be the one to do all the work here just offering some things that I've seen help in situations such as this.
A lot also has to do with the psychology of how things are framed and WORDED.
In your particular situation I understand you may feel at a loss of how to begin to make things better,
Perhaps a first step and wording it like....
I want you to know I Love you, and am happy to have you as my husband. Although sometimes I feel like we fight un-neccessarily. I'd like to help us grow together and communicate better, would you be willing to try with me to make our relationship happier for both of us.
In that sentence it reassures the other how you feel and that you arent thinking of giving up and dont want to
It also states there's a problem that needs to be resolved
You've stated what you're looking for as a first step to resolve the problem
then you've asked for his HELP all in a way that he was not blaming or pressure put on him but more of an equal effort from both partners.
Lastly stating the end result (reward) for both of you trying and his participation and help in the matter
I may not be qualified to offer advice for your particular situation but I felt compelled to at least offer some insight if it's helpful.
Most Importantly...Pray for each other since God is the one who can change a persons heart and make such a relationship a blessed one.
