Need Help from Married People- Troubled Marriage in the Bedroom

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fani

Guest
#1
#1
I truely need help. I feel that I married my best friend but we are still troubled. My husband and I get along pretty well when it comes to the friend part of the marriage. One big concern is our sexual life. I truthfully hate that I fell this way. My husband always says I am beautiful but when it comes to sex he really isn't there. He is not really sexually attracted to me. Yes, I have gained some weight but I just had a baby in Dec. I am very close to my pre-baby weight. It really hurts when he lets me know this. He says he enjoys having sex with me but I know what he has said to me and sometimes we is always so quick with everything. We use to go at least 3 times a week. NOw its maybe once a week or 2-3 weeks. We have been married for only 4 years and I am still very young (25yr old). There has been times where he has rejected me when I would do whatever he wants. It's has been hard because there are many other men that wish they could be with me and give me so many compliments. I can not lie, it has come to my mind many times to do the unthinkable just so I can feel loved and wanted in that moment. My husband has been the only one I have ever been with in that way my entire life. He was my first and only. I don't know what to do. I do not want to get there but my mind tells me something else. Did I make a mistake when I married my best friend, or is he cheating on me? I don't know, It's painful, and it is really killing me inside.
 
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carpetmanswife

Guest
#2
#2
id suggest u have a heart to heart talk with ur husband make sure he understands how u have been feeling , many times after a new baby men feel 'pushed aside even if thats not the case..they feel second to the new baby mayb he feels a lil unappreciated i cant say. only speculating here. but dont let it go and plz dont do the'unthinkable' .GB
 
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icilian

Guest
#3
#3
Another thing to consider, fani - is that if he's depressed for any reason, he may well not have the same interest in sex. I know I'm not a member of the right group to answer, but I thought I'd put forwards something from *cough* er, experience.
 
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imoss

Banned
#4
Feb 27, 2007
3,179
19
0
#4
Please dont go outside your marriage and please try to get to a place where the attention of "other" men is NOT important, If you allow the compliments to lead into something else, you are setting yourself up to fail in your marriage. It is normal after childbirth for things to not be as frequent as before but normally its the woman who's absolutely exhausted and hormonal... Anyway, communication is key, communicate with your husband about how you feel... perhaps your timing is all wrong & its as simple as that. God Bless your beautiful little family and keep it strong through everything. You need to make a decision not to be the one to step out of your marriage, regardless of what he may or may not have done. Honor God and your Husband as you said you would the day you wed.
 
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icilian

Guest
#5
#5
fani said:
It's has been hard because there are many other men that wish they could be with me and give me so many compliments. I can not lie, it has come to my mind many times to do the unthinkable just so I can feel loved and wanted in that moment. .
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There is nothing that will compare to the loving your husband can give - it's really his loving, and no one else's you need. Be patient, you can talk and coax him into discussing your problems, and when you realise what the walls between you are, they *can* be brought down, and you can start to feel the same give and take you had before.

If you ever give him reason to think he is not enough, or that he can't be your everything, it would make a much more permanent barrier.

Gosh, I just can't stop posting here. Any married person, feel free to correct me.
 
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carpetmanswife

Guest
#6
#6
icilian said:
There is nothing that will compare to the loving your husband can give - it's really his loving, and no one else's you need. Be patient, you can talk and coax him into discussing your problems, and when you realise what the walls between you are, they *can* be brought down, and you can start to feel the same give and take you had before.

If you ever give him reason to think he is not enough, or that he can't be your everything, it would make a much more permanent barrier.

Gosh, I just can't stop posting here. Any married person, feel free to correct me.
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that my friend is a dead on post!!
 
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missy2shoes

Guest
#7
#7
icilian said:
There is nothing that will compare to the loving your husband can give - it's really his loving, and no one else's you need. Be patient, you can talk and coax him into discussing your problems, and when you realise what the walls between you are, they *can* be brought down, and you can start to feel the same give and take you had before.

If you ever give him reason to think he is not enough, or that he can't be your everything, it would make a much more permanent barrier.

Gosh, I just can't stop posting here. Any married person, feel free to correct me.
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Well said :D
 
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fani

Guest
#8
#8
I have had talk to him, and I was very honest with him. I told how ashamed I was for even thinking about it. Than things got better and than 1 month later it is the same. He knows I appreciate him. I do everything for him. I work very hard and bring in the most income, I come home cook and clean, spend time with him. Watch him play his videogames (that is his enjoyment time). Not to mention get lunch, the baby bag, and take care of the baby. (thats is one job in itself) Even the simple things. I even serve him desert, get him drinks when he is thirsy. I even make sure he has ice water next to his bedside everynight. Sometimes I feel I am unappreciated. I have told him and he states, I will help you more. But he doesn't. Lets not go if I anger him. In his words Its my fault when he gets angry and curses me. I extremely hate when he does it. He is Christian and shouldn't even talk that way, let alone say it to me. He also calls me names a few times. I just do what he wants me to do so not to upset him and tey to make him as happy as he can be. When it comes to the bedroom he always wants me to do everything. And I do. He just sits there and I do everything to him. For example even on our anniversary and my birthday (2weeks apart) He said he would truely make love to me, Did it happen. Nope, I was just on standby waiting for him.
 
Bride_Of_My_Savior

Bride_Of_My_Savior

Junior Member
#9
Feb 12, 2009
7
0
0
#9
The one thing I have learned through being married, Fani, is that no matter the choices your husband makes, when it comes down to the wire, it is GOD who has the final decision. It may seem at times that there is no reason to continue trying in the situation you find yourself, and you often may think to yourself that you deserve better or that you can DO better. But see it from this view: when you said I do, it meant "I do even when YOU don't...." If you continue to stay faithful in your marriage and continue to love and support your husband despite his shortcomings, mistakes, and faults, you will find that GOD will bless you because you obeyed Him. We, as women were created to be helpmeets to our husbands... and we show our love of God by the way we love our husbands. I will end this with a verse from the Bible that I have often relied on when struggling not just in my marriage, but in many other facets of life: Psalm 37:3-8 "Trust in the LORD, and do good; so shalt thouh dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed. Delight thyself also in the LORD; and He shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in Him; and He shall bring it to pass. And He shall bring forth thy righteousness as the light, and thy judgment as the noonday. Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him: fret not thyself because of him who prosperethy in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass. Cease from anger, and forsake wrath: fret not thyself in any wise to do evil."
 
R

randyj

Guest
#10
#10
dittos to all that has been said. What made sex special originally. Go back to the beginning and the fundamentals.
 
mercyswolf

mercyswolf

Banned
#11
Feb 9, 2009
1,743
6
0
38
#11
imoss said:
Please dont go outside your marriage and please try to get to a place where the attention of "other" men is NOT important, If you allow the compliments to lead into something else, you are setting yourself up to fail in your marriage. It is normal after childbirth for things to not be as frequent as before but normally its the woman who's absolutely exhausted and hormonal... Anyway, communication is key, communicate with your husband about how you feel... perhaps your timing is all wrong & its as simple as that. God Bless your beautiful little family and keep it strong through everything. You need to make a decision not to be the one to step out of your marriage, regardless of what he may or may not have done. Honor God and your Husband as you said you would the day you wed.
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There's so many other ways of saying this too but i think this is best. Though the roles between myself and you fani are reversed I can relate quite well. She (my wife) is the same way as your husband. I thought this was an interesting forum post given the similarties to it. Don't give up even when things look bad. Look ahead to the future with your family. Even when he's not "in the mood" as it were still love him through it all. My wife up until recently hasn't shown me the type of love I've shown her. Which mind you is unconditional. This is absolutely the best way to love someone in itself. Though sexual attraction is good in a marriage I personally have found that if you can love someone unconditionally then everything else falls into place even if it's not the way I'd like for it too. I can also agree with Imoss' statement here about temptation. No matter what the compliment don't fall for it. Take it just for what it is a compliment and nothing more. I too understand what it's like to be tempted and to think that I could do so much better. But like Imoss said...this will ultimately set you up to fail in your marriage. Live a life that is pure and right in the sight of the Almighty. Proverbs 3:5-6 (KJV) "5)Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. 6) In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." Best of luck to you and your family and I will be praying that things get better for you guys.

God Bless.
 
F

fani

Guest
#12
#12
Thanks, I need these encouraging words. It is hard, but I do love my husband. I love him very much and I would never want to hurt him. It's just sometimes I wish he would want me the way I want him. This is something I will have to pray on. If anyone can help me pray, I want to say thank you.
 
mercyswolf

mercyswolf

Banned
#13
Feb 9, 2009
1,743
6
0
38
#13
fani said:
Thanks, I need these encouraging words. It is hard, but I do love my husband. I love him very much and I would never want to hurt him. It's just sometimes I wish he would want me the way I want him. This is something I will have to pray on. If anyone can help me pray, I want to say thank you.
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I'll certainly pray for you. As I said last night I'm going down that path in a way right now so I can relate to an extent.
 
D

Dragoon9

Guest
#14
#14
Hi Fani,

Before I offer any advice, please let me say that I'm not a therapist or a counselling professional... I'm just a husband, father and follower of Jesus Christ :)

Many Christian women seem to have been raised with the understanding that all men want is sex. This is not true.

Men are definitely more visual in our sexuality, but if the 'love' element is missing, we are affected. If my wife and I fight, even though I find her beautiful, I will not want to have sexual relations with her or even touch her... because I feel hurt, and men do not deal well with hurt. We often show our hurt as anger, sulleness or other ways though.

My wife and I have set up some things to help bridge the gap:
- a date time each week that I set aside to spend time just talking
- we agreed that we would not go to bed angry with each other (Eph 4:26)
- we forgive each other for anything said/done the 1st half hour after work

You may also consider that you may be doing too much for your husband as well. Men like to feel needed, esp by their wives. We want to rescue you and guard/protect you. We often do things in the unspoken knowledge that we are doing it for wife/family.

A good book that may help is "5 Languages of Love" (sorry, forgot the author... my wife is the one great at that ;))
 
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missy2shoes

Guest
#15
#15
That's so beautiful Dragoon....it was refreshing to read
 
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mcap

Guest
#16
#16
There are alot of things that could be wrong with your husband.He could be stressed because he no longer has just one person to think of.It could be alot of things,but I would ask you not to look outside your marriage for happiness.That is what so many people do now,instead of trying to work out their problems they take the easy way out.Think about your child and what effect your decisions will have on it.
 
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eva2008

Guest
#17
#17
fani said:
I truely need help. I feel that I married my best friend but we are still troubled. My husband and I get along pretty well when it comes to the friend part of the marriage. One big concern is our sexual life. I truthfully hate that I fell this way. My husband always says I am beautiful but when it comes to sex he really isn't there. He is not really sexually attracted to me. Yes, I have gained some weight but I just had a baby in Dec. I am very close to my pre-baby weight. It really hurts when he lets me know this. He says he enjoys having sex with me but I know what he has said to me and sometimes we is always so quick with everything. We use to go at least 3 times a week. NOw its maybe once a week or 2-3 weeks. We have been married for only 4 years and I am still very young (25yr old). There has been times where he has rejected me when I would do whatever he wants. It's has been hard because there are many other men that wish they could be with me and give me so many compliments. I can not lie, it has come to my mind many times to do the unthinkable just so I can feel loved and wanted in that moment. My husband has been the only one I have ever been with in that way my entire life. He was my first and only. I don't know what to do. I do not want to get there but my mind tells me something else. Did I make a mistake when I married my best friend, or is he cheating on me? I don't know, It's painful, and it is really killing me inside.
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Hi Fani, we have more or less the same marital issue. I felt that I did everything wrong or he's cheating and a a lot of other thoughts. I've read the replies from other forum members and I felt a bit okay knowing that there are people supporting and giving us nice and encouraging words. I have been referred to see a therapist or a marriage therapist. They say that these therapists can help us resolve our marital issues. My husband has not agreed to it yet since he said he's too busy right now. More doubts came to me when he said that. How do I convince him to go with me in a way that he won't get offended? I really want this marriage to work.
 
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fani

Guest
#18
#18
eva2008 said:
. My husband has not agreed to it yet since he said he's too busy right now. More doubts came to me when he said that. How do I convince him to go with me in a way that he won't get offended? I really want this marriage to work.
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One thing I know is that my husband would NEVER go to counseling. It would truely be a miracle of God if he would go. He alsways thinks that our marriage is between only the two of us and I should not be talking about our problems to anyone else. That is why I wanted to go to this website so I can get advice, encouragement, and prayer to help me through this. SO far taking everyones advice here has really helped me. I feel at peace with my marriage. I guess we just go through ups and downs. I just stopped focusing on him so much and started to really focus on getting closer to God. Things just got better that way.

I believe if it really gets bad you should go, but does he even think there is a problem in the marriage?
 
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heyitsme

Guest
#19
#19
fani, all I can say is that there are seasons in your and his life that the feeling seems so important at the time....but in actualty Love is a choice... this feeling thing is satan's way of making you feel that you are not what he desires. When in fact I really don't think he would have put himself or you in a committed relationship if he didnt in fact Love you. I suggest that you find a very mature Female that you can trust that will encourage you in the right way and that you will realize what God has instore for you and your family. People like my wife and I have made it through many seemably impossible events in our marriage...but it seems that with Godly Council and a willingness to turn it over to God and let his Glory Shine through like the noonday sun. It was then that we started to grow together. We have been married now for 22 years and I can say everything including intercourse is better than either of us could imagine it could be. Stay The Course :Jeremiah 29 vs 11 Read it and read it to him.

Blessings
Greg
 
K

kan

Guest
#20
#20
Dear Fani! People, im sori to comment here because i am not a member but i feel advice will be of great worth to Fani. I recommend that you watch a christian movie called FIREPROOF with your husband, im sure u will see change in him afterwards. Just buy the DVD, its really wonderful.

May God bless you while patiently waiting for His help!
 
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