How can I just forget?

[jim417]

I have sister who has ended contact with most of my family. She and her husband have said some nasty things throughout the years and we have always forgiven and accepted them back. This last time, however it got very ugly with the verbal attacks. I know I must forgive them, but do I have to keep them a part of my life? It has worn us all down through the years, and I don't want my 8 year old and 5 year son exposed to the way they deal with things. I feel like if I don't have God's word in my heart if I don't just accept them back. Any advice?

Luke 17:3 ¶Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him.
Luke 17:4 And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying, I repent; thou shalt forgive him.

38 ¶Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth:
39 But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.
40 And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloke also.
41 And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain.
42 Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away.
43 ¶Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.
44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;
45 That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.
46 For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same?
47 And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so?
48 Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.
Matthew 5

MAY JESUS BLESS YOU.

[shekaniah]

My sister did the same thing to our family. I gave her space and time, I prayed for her for years. God sent people into her life, and I can only thank him for changing her heart. She is a totally different person now. It has been over a year now, and she just keeps on surprising me with her new attitude.
I will pray that your sister and her family finds the Joy of the Lord. God knows who to put in her life to make this change happen.

[MissCris]

I also have a sister who does this, and even since we were kids I've tried time and again to figure her out, talk to her about it, try to make things better. But there's no sense in my trying to MAKE her treat anyone better. People don't change the way they are unless A) they see a reason to, and B) God works in their hearts and I guess sort of redirects them.

I know it's next to impossible to just forget about a family member, and sometimes even harder to forgive them for things...the more you love a person, the more power they have to hurt you. I think in situations like this, the best tools are prayer and patience, difficult as it may be to wait for change.

In the meantime, and what I have been trying to do with my own sister, try to change your own expectations...I think sometimes we sort of set ourselves up to get hurt by expecting Christian behavior out of people who don't know God (or who say they do but all their actions and/or words prove otherwise). It really isn't fair or even logical to expect, for example an atheist, to behave towards us in the same way we would behave toward them. They haven't got the same values, therefore no hang-ups about being rude or obscene or whatever the case may be (note: not saying Christians are perfect or that everyone else is bad, just an example).

BUT- and this is important- just because you can't expect better out of some people doesn't mean you have to let them carry on behaving that way to you. I think it's important to let them know it bothers you when they say/do certain things, and then to forgive them and pray for them.

[Rachel777]

Pray to God and ask Him to teach you to forgive

Originally Posted by Rachel777

Pray to God and ask Him to teach you to forgive

AMEN!! Yes!! Ask him to teach you to forgive. He has to teach us how to do good, because we are not used to it. The world teaches contrary to what Jesus teaches. We need a new teacher, a non-corrupt one!! AMEN!!

May Jesus bless you.

[dmdave17]

Dear jim417,

It appears that your question is twofold. " First, how can you forgive your sister?" The answer to that, as a number of people have pointed out, is let God work through you and transfer His forgiveness into yourself. I have said before that forgiveness is for the "forgiver", not the "forgivee" (not a word, I know, just bear with me). If you harbor bitterness and resentment in your heart, it will only serve to cause you pain and anguish. When you forgive, the burden is lifted and you can move ahead with your life without the baggage of ill will toward anyone.

In answer to the second question; "Do you have to continue to let your sister into your life?", I would submit that you are not obligated to pursue a relationship with her any longer. If I understand correctly, you have tried repeatedly to accept her and she has been the one to reject the overtures. If this is the case, I don't think you need go any further until she changes. It is now up to God. If you pray for her sincerely, and forgive her in your heart, God will do what He can to heal the rift between you.

However, if she continues to seek your company, you will have to decide if you are strong enough to bear up under her abuse. It would be an awesome witness for His Kingdom if you could deal with her calmly, with love, even in her current state. But under the circumstances you describe, I don't believe God would hold it against you if you decided to avoid her.

God be with you in your struggles.

[nanabean]

Forgiving someone does not mean you have to see them every day. It means not holding onto the hurt. It means praying for them. It means feeling peace in your feelings for them. Loving them without hatred/fear/anger. I think putting time and space between visits/contact is not a bad thing. It doesn't mean alienating your sister either, just having that healthy distance for peace. God Bless you as you find that peace; I will pray for your situation, for you and for your sister.

[GOD_IS_LOVE]

First of all, did they ask for forgiveness? Secondly, forgiving sometimes does not necessarily imply absolving them of all consequences. Not even God does that. So if you feel it's better to keep some distance, I don't see any problem with that. It may help them realize their actions are hurtful and maybe help them change.

[Deadtosin]

I agree with God_is_love. If they ask for forgiveness you should forgive them. However even if they don't you should forgive them. For your own sake, harboring negative emotions are not good for you or the people around you. But you being the parent of your children have the responsibility to protect them from that which is wrong and unruly. Not only do you set the example you set filters so that other peoples examples don't corrupt your children. And Not only for them, but for you, if you allow yourself to be in a negative environment that brings you low, then you cannot be all you can be for your children and those around you. However in the same way you ask God to forgive you, shall you abide in His love of forgiveness.

here are a few words from the bible I gather strength from

James 1:
3Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.

4But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing. 5If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.

[Ugly]

Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting. I can not hold something against someone, yet not forget the fact that they are bad for me.
Also i believe the christian concept of 'being loving' has become way out of whack to the point of making christians doormats for all kinds of mistreatment. I don't believe this is accurate either. There is nothing unloving about avoiding someone that brings you down. Its funny, if someone were to hold a knife to your childs throat you would do anything to protect them, you would attack and hurt, or possibly kill the person threatening your kids life. Yet when people do things against your children verbally suddenly people, especially christians, stand around and go 'gee, is this right to protect them?'.
Protect yourself, protect your family, protect your children. Get this person/people out of your life. Forgive, move on, don't forget.

[Muskokaman]

Absence makes the heart grow fonder......wise old saying actually......Know exactly what you mean though. I think every family has issues like this at one time or other..... unless your an only child of course.....that has it's own challenges.......I digress eventually you will have to forgive them....both......it makes you feel better anyways. Which is healthier for you in turn.
Best advice PRAY FOR EM! and yourself

good luck

[FillieRaven]

you answered the question yourself. you said you don't feel like you have god on your heart if you make that choice. follow your heart and you will follow god. you don't have to have her involved actively in your life to love her and forgive her. if she needs help do what you can. let her know you love her whenever possible but live your separate lives until the day comes when she understands what her behavior is doing. but don't cut her out completely

[needmesomejesus]

Originally Posted by jim417

I have sister who has ended contact with most of my family. She and her husband have said some nasty things throughout the years and we have always forgiven and accepted them back. This last time, however it got very ugly with the verbal attacks. I know I must forgive them, but do I have to keep them a part of my life? It has worn us all down through the years, and I don't want my 8 year old and 5 year son exposed to the way they deal with things. I feel like if I don't have God's word in my heart if I don't just accept them back. Any advice?

You can forgive without forgetting. You remember what they did to you, but choose to be the bigger persona and forgive them. Forgiveness is a life long process. And you can forgive without letting them back into your life. Forgiving doesn't mean you give someone license to walk all over you.

[Bobbyking]

It's not easy to deal with verbal hurts, especially when it's from your family members...

This is what I do:

1. Calm down and let my heart be silent
2. Allow God to fill me with His Love (that will deal with unforgiveness, hurts, bitterness etc)
3. Thank God for giving me His grace and strength to deal with this
4. If need to, ask God for forgiveness if you did harbor or entertain bitterness or hatred against the person
5. Pray for that person that God will open his/her eyes to see the fault
6. Commit to the Lord the whole episode

[discojohn]

Hey, I understand things can get upsetting sometimes, please just stay alive!!! If you are able to survive these terrible times, you will see a great life come to surface in the days in which you feel like nothing will work out anymore. I know there is a difficult journey which we must take on at times, but if we stay strong many good things will happen to us. Do not give up and continue to fight the good fight which leads to great success. I believe you can do it if you stay strong! I know you are facing a tough decision. "Should I continue to follow this person in order to help them or not?" The main thing you have to remember is that one thing is certain. We are going to overcome any obstacle in our lives with God in our lives. In the life which we are living, we are meant to come to a world which gives us great pleasure, and if we come to this piece which we are meant to experience, we will be able to achieve many beautiful things. I believe you are going to be able to do it if you continue to focus on the things which matter the most. The one thing you must do is focus on God and try to let God help you in all that you do. In this, you will find much relief and there will be a better way to deal with everything. Let God speak to you and teach you the profound wisdom which lies within us all. We are able to attain great spirits, and if we continue to follow our dreams, great things will come about. Do not give up, you can do this!!! Please do not forsake the person, but try to do things which will allow them to see the light which is within your spirit and soul. You can do great things, but you must be strong! Do not live in a way that will bring you great suffering. If you need to diet, please do that, and if you need to exercise more, please do that, as well! I believe you are going to achieve many great things and if you are a patient, strong, and loving person, you can do all things! I know you are able to do this, you just have to begin! : D

Be all over this person, and let them know that you are there for them. Just give them the person who you truly are and do not let anything stand between you two. If you are going to shed some tears, that may be necessary, but if you are going to do this, please do what is good, and try to stand up for your beliefs. I believe you are going to surface to the top and make the necessary improvements in order to fix this ordeal. Goooooo!!!!!! I love you! w00h00000!!!!!!!! : D : D : D : D

Peace, and do not give up!!!

Bye,

-John.

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[debrina]

IT IS HARD TO FORGIVE AND HARDER TO FORGET! I HAVE LEARNED THAT WHEN I AM HURT TO MY CORE, I THINK HOW COULD THEY, BUT HURTING PEOPLE

HURT OTHERS. LET YOUR LOVED ONES KNOW THAT LIFE IS TO SHORT TO HARBOR BITTERNESS AND YOU WANT TO LIVE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE

ENJOYING YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM. THE BEST WAY TO WIN SOMEONE OVER IS THROUGH LOVE AND BY EXAMPLE BUT IF THEY REFUSE THEN YOU

JUST HAVE TO "WIPE THE DUST FROM YOUR FEET" AS THE BIBLE SAYS. BUT KEEP LOVING THEM AND PRAYING FOR THEM AND YOURSELF AND TURN IT

OVER TO GOD REMEMBER PHIL 4:8 AND THIS WILL REPLACE BAD THOUGHTS WITH GOOD JUST KEEP BEING A CHRISTIAN AND LET CHRIST

CARRY YOU THROUGH THIS! I PRAY YOU WILL FIND PEACE IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.