Time apart/ Separation

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I

iraasuup

Guest
#1
#1
I'm curious. Do you think it's ever healthy (or wise I guess, from a biblical standpoint), to use 'time apart/ separation' in marriage, to try and nut out unresolved issues?

I know the bible is very clear on Gods view of marriage and the issue of divorce. I understand what God thinks about that and why.

But, how long must one partner continue to endure unhappiness/issues that remain unresolved because of selfishness on behalf of their spouse? Are we expected to just 'put up with it' forever?

Is it ever right to consider the option of 'leaving' (temporarily) to get the spouses attention. To say 'Well, I'm sick of putting up with bla bla bla. You need to make a decision about bla bla. But until you do, I can't continue to remain here while you bla bla'. So, I'm going to my parents/sisters/friends etc for some space while you make up your mind about what's really important to you'.

Am I making any sense? Do you think this would get the attention of the spouse and make them re-think their choices/behavior, or would it just make things worse? Is it an okay choice for a Christian to make if the situation seems helpless and they feel trapped?

Any thoughts?
 
M

Matthew

Guest
#2
#2
I've never been married, so I can't speak specifically that situation, but generally in close relationships like parental, sibling, spousal etc....I think time apart can often be the only way to resolve a conflict that has been going on for a long time.
It is sometimes the only way to force a confrontation on the issue to avoid the relationship being poisoned over many years by growing resentment.

Sometimes distance can give a new perspective on what is actually at stake, it makes it easier to see just how unhappy the other person is and just how seriously they feel.

By staying no matter what the other person can get complacent and not realise how serious it is, even in a Christian marriage people can fall into the mindset of thinking 'if you wanted it so badly, why have you stayed with me', and by that convince themself that it's actually not so important.

Having time apart in marriage should be OK as long as you of course respect your vows in spite of the distance and make it clear that it's just for time to think. Even within the separation I think it's be a good idea to schedule time to see your spouse a few hours a week, it is crucial communication remains otherwise a separation can cause a lot more harm than good.
 
I

iraasuup

Guest
#3
#3
Thank you for your reply, Matthew.

You have raised some valid points.

Although I feel it's a bit extreme, I believe it may well be a measure that needs to be taken, although I hope not!

We'll see *sigh*

Thanks again, your input is helpful.
 
D

dmdave17

Guest
#4
#4
Dear friend,

I personally believe that "trial separation" (for want of a better term) is a very slippery slope that must be negotiated with great care. It should only be attempted by people who, basically, still love each other and just need to clear up some miscellaneous "junk" in their lives.

In my view, spending time apart is the first step toward quitting. It is easier, I think, to drift apart when people are not in close contact with each other. And we all know that the devil is just waiting for any kind of opening to step in and totally ruin the relationship.

We also know what God wants. He doesn't want us to quit. He wants us to work out our differences and become the close, loving couples we once were. Furthermore, He is always there to help us get through these times, by providing loving direction and unshakeable support. If both partners are strong believers, I believe that they can turn to Him, separately if that's what it takes, and He will guide them through the ordeal.

This may sound a little "hokey" but I just think that spending time apart makes it too easy on the devil. The old saying "out of sight, out of mind" certainly has some truth to it.

God be with you in your dilemma.
 
scg

scg

Junior Member
#5
Nov 25, 2011
23
0
0
#5
I have been married for 18 yrs. have 4 kids. I have been yelled at, hit, brused, put down and lied too. My wife had always twisted things around that I was the problem. I have not been home for about 5 weeks along with my oldest son. I don't know what tomorrow will be. But I have faith that God will let this family know what He wants for tomorrow. God has a plan but sometimes it takes time for his children to know what his will will be. Have hope and faith and love. Pray for understanding. I believe that time away has some good points and some negitive ones that could follow.
 
Wonderland

Wonderland

Senior Member
#6
May 6, 2010
247
19
18
#6
YES! Seperation saved my marriage! My husband was verbally abusive and angry and not willing to change until there was something in it for him--me. I made it clear that his behavior was unacceptable to me, and ultimately unacceptable for a christian man to behave. I moved out for several weeks with my daughter with the hope that my marriage would be restored to God's glory, but not the absolute certainty that he would be willing to change. It was a really REALLY hard time, but God was faithful and my husband changed.

I did not go back right away--I needed to see consistent behavior for quite a few weeks to see that he really was putting in the effort to change, not just putting on a "show" for me to come back. (At first it was a "show" but when I did not come back he got really angry, then he got serious about changing. That is the typical pattern). I never expected him to be perfect (and still don't) but I did need to see him making efforts to contain his anger and not lash out at me.

Admittedly, I do counseling with a lot of couples in marital crisis. Whenever one party is seriously considering divorce I suggest seperation as a middle ground before they take that very final and drastic step of divorce. Sometimes it is the right thing to do. Sometimes it takes a strong arm to send a strong message--I honestly don't think I would be happily married today if I had not done that 2 years ago.

Be blessed.
 
J

JayS41

Guest
#7
#7
Wonderland said:
YES! Seperation saved my marriage! My husband was verbally abusive and angry and not willing to change until there was something in it for him--me. I made it clear that his behavior was unacceptable to me, and ultimately unacceptable for a christian man to behave. I moved out for several weeks with my daughter with the hope that my marriage would be restored to God's glory, but not the absolute certainty that he would be willing to change. It was a really REALLY hard time, but God was faithful and my husband changed.

I did not go back right away--I needed to see consistent behavior for quite a few weeks to see that he really was putting in the effort to change, not just putting on a "show" for me to come back. (At first it was a "show" but when I did not come back he got really angry, then he got serious about changing. That is the typical pattern). I never expected him to be perfect (and still don't) but I did need to see him making efforts to contain his anger and not lash out at me.

Admittedly, I do counseling with a lot of couples in marital crisis. Whenever one party is seriously considering divorce I suggest seperation as a middle ground before they take that very final and drastic step of divorce. Sometimes it is the right thing to do. Sometimes it takes a strong arm to send a strong message--I honestly don't think I would be happily married today if I had not done that 2 years ago.

Be blessed.
Click to expand...
Your words were very encouraging. My wife left our home with our children, while I was in a recovery home for alcoholism. Although I took the initial step toward help, I had quit before, and so it meant very little to her, as serious as I was about cleaning up. Your story seems like ours exactly...and hopefully our ends like yours! I am learning more and more just how deeply I hurt my wife, and it is devastating...not only being without my family, but realizing just how much pain I gave her and the children. My shame will be the pillar of my new life. But she won't say "yes" or "no" to our marriage lasting. She's in a storm of emotion, although she tells me there are no divorce papers on the horizon. Our wedding pictures are still up on her public profile, which is reassuring. All I can do is stay back and hope and wait...and wait, and be terrified! She may after all decide to move on..I've read things that women who are out of the marital home long enough begin to forget about the marriage as they experience a different life...perhaps meet someone by chance and decide that their husband is too much of a risk. That is scary. But I try my best to place it in God's hands, and just build my own sober life, which has to be a sober one, whether or not she returns. This is the most painful thing I've ever endured, but I can't be selfish...it is also the most painful thing she has ever endured...living under my addiction. That is the reality that stops my heart...having her tell me that she has never known anyone so angry and hurtful as I was. Only God can cast out the pain and hurt and mistrust, and I pray that it's His will to do so. But even if it's not, I will live in His will as best I can. Easier said than done without a doubt.
 
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P

presidente

Senior Member
#8
May 29, 2013
9,082
1,749
113
#8
Some people, usually women, separate if there is physical danger. Generally, I think it tends to put the marriage in an unstable situation.
 
B

Becky1979

Guest
#9
#9
I don't like how "Christianity" may make a spouse feel guilty for seperation and that they have endure abuse or neglect, etc. I think seperation Is a good way to show tough love cuz many people won't change unless they have a reason or consequence. I wish I had seperated sooner before I lost all love and respect for my husband, (and myself). An earlier seperation may have saved the marriage and prevented a lot of hurt. Would our Father want us to put up with it? How does He show us tough love?
 
B

Becky1979

Guest
#10
#10
Usually a spouse wants a seperation cuz the marriage is already unstable. The decision does not come lightly.
 
maxwel

maxwel

Senior Member
#11
Apr 18, 2013
9,317
2,411
113
#11
The bible is very clear that God doesn't like divorce,
but the bible is equally clear that we are to separate ourselves from sin.

So if there are unresolved sin issues in the marriage, serious ones,
then separating yourself from that, for a while, would seem entirely biblical.

For example: if your husband is hitting you, get up and leave.
How long should you stay gone?
Well that's a different matter entirely, and much more complicated,
but it's a simple thing to separate yourself from sin when sin becomes extreme.

As Christians we tend to overlook simple common sense,
and just do incredibly stupid things.
Why?

Because we usually just apply a couple of verses to an issue,
instead of apply ALL the principles of scripture to our circumstance.
When we apply only a few verses to our problem, instead of applying the whole bible to our problem,
we get a very UNBALANCED, and often ridiculous treatment plan.

This is why pastoral counseling helps.
You take your problem to someone who knows the bible in a very comprehensive way,
so he can use the entire bible to find WELL BALANCED solutions.
 
P

pastac

Guest
#13
#13
Ugly said:
Click to expand...
maybe my since of humor is absolutely dull but ugly you got to be kidding me a zombie cartoon is not cute at all!Not amused not laughing let not your good be evil spoken of this is juvenile!
 
B

Becky1979

Guest
#14
#14
Thanks for this. Makes a lot of sense.
maxwel said:
The bible is very clear that God doesn't like divorce,
but the bible is equally clear that we are to separate ourselves from sin.

So if there are unresolved sin issues in the marriage, serious ones,
then separating yourself from that, for a while, would seem entirely biblical.

For example: if your husband is hitting you, get up and leave.
How long should you stay gone?
Well that's a different matter entirely, and much more complicated,
but it's a simple thing to separate yourself from sin when sin becomes extreme.

As Christians we tend to overlook simple common sense,
and just do incredibly stupid things.
Why?

Because we usually just apply a couple of verses to an issue,
instead of apply ALL the principles of scripture to our circumstance.
When we apply only a few verses to our problem, instead of applying the whole bible to our problem,
we get a very UNBALANCED, and often ridiculous treatment plan.

This is why pastoral counseling helps.
You take your problem to someone who knows the bible in a very comprehensive way,
so he can use the entire bible to find WELL BALANCED solutions.
Click to expand...
 
J

jb02157

Guest
#15
#15
I think it makes things worse. I think separation will only make your spouse feel like you aren't given them a chance and that you want to divorce them. There are better ways of getting someone's attention
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#16
#16
pastac said:
maybe my since of humor is absolutely dull but ugly you got to be kidding me a zombie cartoon is not cute at all!Not amused not laughing let not your good be evil spoken of this is juvenile!
Click to expand...
Somehow my life will go on without your approval. Your lack of sense of humor is not my problem and doesn't phase me. Move on to troll someone else.
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#17
Mar 13, 2014
41,299
16,294
113
69
Tennessee
#17
Becky1979 said:
I don't like how "Christianity" may make a spouse feel guilty for seperation and that they have endure abuse or neglect, etc. I think seperation Is a good way to show tough love cuz many people won't change unless they have a reason or consequence. I wish I had seperated sooner before I lost all love and respect for my husband, (and myself). An earlier seperation may have saved the marriage and prevented a lot of hurt. Would our Father want us to put up with it? How does He show us tough love?[/QUOTE

Abuse in a relationship, whether physical or verbal or both does not have to be tolerated in a relationship.
Click to expand...
 
N

ndune

Guest
#18
#18
Thank you. I can help but shed tears at this point. Yes it is a slippery route but how far does one get. Am suffering both physical emotionally.
Somehow he does not contribute towards the family. He started getting physical then emotional torture.
Maybe its time to let go...

dmdave17 said:
Dear friend,

I personally believe that "trial separation" (for want of a better term) is a very slippery slope that must be negotiated with great care. It should only be attempted by people who, basically, still love each other and just need to clear up some miscellaneous "junk" in their lives.

In my view, spending time apart is the first step toward quitting. It is easier, I think, to drift apart when people are not in close contact with each other. And we all know that the devil is just waiting for any kind of opening to step in and totally ruin the relationship.

We also know what God wants. He doesn't want us to quit. He wants us to work out our differences and become the close, loving couples we once were. Furthermore, He is always there to help us get through these times, by providing loving direction and unshakeable support. If both partners are strong believers, I believe that they can turn to Him, separately if that's what it takes, and He will guide them through the ordeal.

This may sound a little "hokey" but I just think that spending time apart makes it too easy on the devil. The old saying "out of sight, out of mind" certainly has some truth to it.

God be with you in your dilemma.
Click to expand...
 
N

ndune

Guest
#19
#19
Tourist, you thinking like I would have thought and earned some respect long time. I have been waiting and waiting in vein. Till now my christian family have refused to address the issue... its assumed all must work, this gives him the strong head to keep on keeping on in his sinful, painful ways. Keeping women and proudly sleeping in bars and social places regardless of the finances which are diverted from home to his personal leisure.
 
Y

Ya

Guest
#20
#20
Becky1979 said:
I don't like how "Christianity" may make a spouse feel guilty for seperation and that they have endure abuse or neglect, etc. I think seperation Is a good way to show tough love cuz many people won't change unless they have a reason or consequence. I wish I had separated sooner before I lost all love and respect for my husband, (and myself). An earlier separation may have saved the marriage and prevented a lot of hurt. Would our Father want us to put up with it? How does He show us tough love?
Click to expand...
I very much so agree with this. I have been criticized myself for wanting a separation between my Wife and I. I often feel it's what's best; healthiest for the family or it in most cases will always go un-dealt with which is a reason there are so many dysfunctional marriages
 
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