marriage on the rocks

[pr3cious]

my husband and i have been together for 10 years married 3 years. we had a very ugly argument today in which it ended up in me telling him to leave, so he is staying at his brothers. my husband has been very ill until recently. he wa diagnosed with MG 2 1/2 years ago he almost died, but was diagnosed in time. then this may he had a kidney transplant which his body did not reject. god is great. but it just seems like he has just given up on everything. refuses to do anything, doesnt help out with kids or anything else. i have to keep telling him what to do as if hes a child. i understand that hes been very ill, but no longer is. it just seems like we have no existing relationship at all of anykind. its not that i dont love him because i do. i love him so much that i was the one that gave him the kidney because we were a match. its just that i am so physically, emotionally and mentally drained.but i dont want to give up on him. but dont know what to do

 

[CanadaNZ]

my husband and i have been together for 10 years married 3 years. we had a very ugly argument today in which it ended up in me telling him to leave, so he is staying at his brothers. my husband has been very ill until recently. he wa diagnosed with MG 2 1/2 years ago he almost died, but was diagnosed in time. then this may he had a kidney transplant which his body did not reject. god is great. but it just seems like he has just given up on everything. refuses to do anything, doesnt help out with kids or anything else. i have to keep telling him what to do as if hes a child. i understand that hes been very ill, but no longer is. it just seems like we have no existing relationship at all of anykind. its not that i dont love him because i do. i love him so much that i was the one that gave him the kidney because we were a match. its just that i am so physically, emotionally and mentally drained.but i dont want to give up on him. but dont know what to do

Are you both part of a church family? Ask an elder or the elders to speak with him and rebuke or discipline him as necessary. When your husband isn't being a good christian example and leader, appeal to a higher authority.

 

[Broern]

Be a spiritual Christian. Never mind what you see, feel, hear and your negative emotions for him. Learn to be a spirit filled Christian. you said you love him, so mind the things that you admire in him and understand that he is probably hurt inside also because of his problems and situation. Think about what will Jesus Christ do if He is in your place? Give time to learn the New Testament teachings related to your situation. Remember that our time here on earth is temporary and eternal life is permanent. The Holy Spirit can teach you to survive and change your situation unto joy. With God nothing is impossible.

 

[pr3cious]

that is exactly what i suggested to him today when we spoke

 

[LynnJ]

Several years ago, my husband didn't seem to be filling the role of spiritual leader of our home like I thought he should. I would nag him about it, as well as complain to God, and then I had a breakthrough. One day when I was complaining in prayer, in frustration I blurted out to God, "Lord, you've got to do something about my husband. He is not meeting my needs!" Then I felt the Lord directing me to Philippians 4:19, a familiar passage, and I read and reread it until I finally understood what the Lord was trying to say to me:

And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.

The phrase that caught my attention was "My God" followed by the phrase "meet all of your needs." Here I was complaining that my husband wasn't meeting my needs, but then God was showing me through His Word that is isn't my husband's responsibility to meet my needs--it's God's responsibility. Now, God may use my husband as the vessel to work through to meet my needs, but that is between God and my husband. I felt a huge burden lift, and I realized that I had misplaced the focus of my prayer on MY NEEDS. What I then began doing was focusing more on God, loving my husband, and asking God to speak to my husband's heart about his responsibility to be the leader of our home. No more nagging, no more complaining; I was allowing God to take care of the situation. In the process, not only did God change my husband, but He changed ME. God empowered me to allow my husband to mature spiritually in his own way and in God's timing, and I grew to be a more patient woman. The end of the story is.....we've been married almost seven years, and my husband has really stepped up to the plate as the leader of our home.

Of course, my situation is a bit different than yours, but the concept is the same. Turn your husband completely over to God, allow God to work on him and keep your focus on God as the one who meets your needs. If you have good rapport with your pastor and his wife, you might schedule a counseling appointment to discuss the matter with them as a couple to receive their guidance. Pray with them, and the pastor may feel led to speak to your husband and approach your husband in love about his responsibilities as your husband. Change won't happen overnight, and it might take months or even years, but when God fixes a marriage, He does a much better job than any of us can do.

My prayers go up for you and your husband, pr3cious.

~Lynn

 

[Wonderland]

Once again I completely agree with LynnJ. I also think that maybe it's a good idea he is staying away for awhile. Sometimes "absence makes the heart grow fonder."

The hope that kept me going through my marital troubles (and we did seperate for several weeks which was a very good thing!) was that my marriage was going to be a testament to God's glory. All my friends and much of my family knew of my marital problems, so I imagined them looking on me and my husband's (future) marital happiness and asking, "How did that happen?" and all I would be able to say is "God ". That's pretty much exactly how it was too, but it took a long time to get there. That hope gave me strength to endure, and it was worth it!

 

[barukhmalachi]

God can change a persons life, he can deliver you from bondage he can heal the sick he can fullfill you to the depths of your soul. But, if your husband is a non believer or a carnal minded christian he may be blocking god out. Don't stop praying for him but ask god to show you his issues so you know what to pray for. If he is being carnal you may have to get through to him on his level first to bring him up to yours. Proverbs says it is better to live on a roof than in the house with a nagging wife. You said you do nag him in your own words. If he feels that way he could be turning from you. You hear women run on emotion and men on logic. To a point. Men feel the need to be understood and consoled also. Talk to him to fully understand his emotions from his point of view. What may be minor to you may be life changing for him. If a 100 people say to him feel this way or that's obserd don't think that way, that doesn't change the fact this it is real to him. Even christians can get depressed and start thinking whats the point of this life, why do I deserve to live or whatever the case may be. If he is a christian he may be under an attack of the enemy, he may need deliverance. There are evil spirits with certain job descriptions same as heavens angels. Pray for discernment for yourself. Is he goin through something carnal or a spiritual battle? Study spiritual warfare and join with god to fight for him. Let him know you and god have his back and don't over preach but teach or learn together the tools and weapons he needs to fight this battle. The romans would lock their sheilds together to fend off fiery darts from above. Let him know that no matter how hard the battle, you are willing to stand with him to get the victory. And ask him to stand with you as well. Be quick to listen and slow to speak, answer his questions or concerns with gods word and not your personal feelings. Though you are hurting as well whose wounds are deeper right now. And remember a soft anwer turns away wrath. Putting your wound on his won't do either of you any good. Be the band aid, to his wounded soul. Putting your own emotions and feelings aside is hard but you but you are spiritually stronger right now it seems. You will need some prayer warriors to help hold you up in battle right now.

 

[LeapsofFaith]

LynnJ already posted what I would have said but I thought I'd add this, too:

Draw a little diagram of your husband's life showing which people (family members, co-workers, neighbors, etc.) fulfill (on God's behalf) which needs in his life. Who is his teacher? Who is his role model? Who is his confidant? Who is his cheerleader? Who is his resource? Etc. Then take a good look at it. Is someone else filling the role of unconditional love and unwavering loyalty, or is that role supposed to be you? Who is his bride? If someone else started doing it instead of you, would you be okay with that? As baruckhmalachi pointed out, men typically are logic-driven but they also have a behind-closed-doors need for tenderness. They need at least one place and one person in which/with which they can be truly vulnerable and feel safe doing so. Once that safe feeling is gone, they'll pull away. If they aren't getting it at home, they will seek it elsewhere. The reason he fell in love with you once is probably very largely due to the fact that whenever you would see him, you'd show him how glad you were to see him and tell him how much you missed him, tell him how smart/talented he is, etc. Guys respond to fawning, no matter how ridiculous it might sometimes seem to us. And they respond better to the inspiration to live up to a doting girl's expectations than a nagging, mother-like person who constantly tells them their shortcomings. Remember what the Word says, you'll have what you say so only speak what you want to become true. Tell him what you want him to be, not what he is.

If you don't play the role of doting girlfriend/newlywed bride anymore, he'll easily be drawn to another woman who does. So, you have a choice: continue to play that exclusive role in his life, or hold your peace when someone else fills that role. (And don't be surprised if his mother resents you for trying to take over her role.)