T
I've got a problem i'm struggling to deal with, and quite honestly everything i'm going to write about is causing me to lose the little faith I have left. I really do not want to reach out not even to the Lord anymore, so let me explain the situation in order to grasp it. I apologize beforehand for the long post, and thank you for reading it and giving a reply.
I live in South Africa, lived here all my life, I'm sure some of you may be aware of the countries history and unfortunately my parents generation can't shake some of that mentality. My biggest issue at the moment is my parents, they are both christian's, and go to church with me, however their actions around me and towards me tell a different story and I am aware that other christian's do the same thing. All my life, even now in my twenties which I am ashamed to say have they oppressed me, every goal or dream I have had is wrong from their viewpoint. I can understand their side of the negative influence some of those goals may have, but i'm perfectly aware of any dangers I may face.
Most of my life I have been drawn toward art, from visual to audio art, whenever I drew fantasy, it usually ended up being torn up in front of me, told it was evil, eventually I was even restricted from illustrating at all, then the musical side, the excuse was instruments are too noisy, so I wasn't allowed to learn to play, eventually I made friends with musicians and learned a bit, but was soon barred from seeing them. I was barred from most friendships I had, usually my parents would judge them falsely and make a scene to get rid of them, usually resulting in trouble at school. I wasn't allowed to wear clothes that I liked, even if was still decent and had to end up wearing something that looked like it came out of the 50's, not that it mattered because we lost everything and I ended up wearing whatever hand me downs I could get from my dad or whatever friends I had.
Majority of my teens years we were living on a poverty line, hardly anything to eat, so I got a job at fifteen, spending more time on work than school, in order to help support my family, I wasn't exactly an achiever at school and trying to learn at school on an empty stomach was pretty difficult, combined with social pressure from peers and the stresses at home. In the process of surviving my parents would usually lash out at me to relieve their stress, whether it was physically or verbally, till this day I have pain from internal injuries as well as the memories, however i've made my peace with it and try to block it out as much as possible.
Poverty has been in front of me my whole life, it brings me down every day I walk out of the house and see the shacks and ruined old building, on some days I couldn't stand to be at home and risked my life to go into those neighborhoods, some times I got attacked and robbed from what little I had, but understood their desperation, some welcomed me into their area of living and it gave me somewhat a piece of mind to live in my conditions, it made me care for these people living in these conditions, never to know a brighter future, oppressed and ignored by many with a handful that would help, and still I feel torn that all I can do is volunteer work to make a difference for them. Then I return home even til this day to hear my parents use derogatory terms toward people they don't really know anything about, and it's just not them I hear it from, I hear it from my sister and her boyfriend as well, even other christian's. I tell them how I feel about it but no one listens and I struggle to see this love Jesus tried to teach.
After college I moved out of the house to another city, I couldn't afford to live in a nicer area so I lived among African prostitutes and drug dealers, I had a good job, I began to smoke a lot of pot, I was away from my family and for the first time, even in the living conditions I was happy, I got into a relationship for the first time and it was the best thing to happen to me, until my parents began to interfere, telling me that they "hate", exactly those words my girlfriend and shouldn't be with her, I ignored them until they began to phone her and make her upset, she eventually held it against me and the relationship was souring. If that was not enough they began to interfere with my work, creating problems for me, eventually I lost my job and my girlfriend who I actually wanted to marry left me, I couldn't find more work and was eventually forced to move back home.
So I am home, it's a small town and can't find work, anyone I could consider a friend that I knew live in another country so I have stuck at home, doing chores, going to church and listening to my parents belittle me more and more, I don't fight them and try to tell them that their actions aren't christian and then they ignore me and continue attacking me. I still want to follow my dreams and in secret I've been teaching myself, and some people actually liked some of my art and music, even if i'm not really that great. So it has come to the point where my parents told me they want me out of the house and don't care if I sleep in the streets, which I've heard since the age of five, but this time it's no idle threat, I have nowhere to go and all I got out of the church is that I should pray, which I do every day and have been doing for a long time and nothing changes. So all I can do now is sell everything I own, which is not a lot, but hopefully I could make two months rent somewhere, maybe i'll find a job, maybe I won't.
So that is only some of the story and I really did not want to let anyone in on it, all I know is I will always love my parents and care for others, I've always done what has been asked of me as best I could. But now i'm tired and worn up, I can't even laugh anymore or smile, I just hope God forgives me for turning my back on him now, my faith is up and hopefully my time will soon be too. I'm tired of seeing wars, racial hatred, white collar crime, rape, murder, prejeduce, poverty, greed, gluttony, and lust. The world is moving rapidly while millions are left behind to eat the dirt being kicked in their faces and powerless as I am, all I'll be able to do is crawl up on a street corner or lay in a field to think of life as a saccharine reverie until hunger brings forth the inevitable, i'd rather go out quietly than be a beggar, soon what faith I have left will be gone and i'll burn for my sins, because every church I go just says I should pray and I see no evidence. I guess I was just destined to become a horrible human being to never do anything right or achieve anything.
Oh and happy new year, have a toast on me since i'll be in my room.
I live in South Africa, lived here all my life, I'm sure some of you may be aware of the countries history and unfortunately my parents generation can't shake some of that mentality. My biggest issue at the moment is my parents, they are both christian's, and go to church with me, however their actions around me and towards me tell a different story and I am aware that other christian's do the same thing. All my life, even now in my twenties which I am ashamed to say have they oppressed me, every goal or dream I have had is wrong from their viewpoint. I can understand their side of the negative influence some of those goals may have, but i'm perfectly aware of any dangers I may face.
Most of my life I have been drawn toward art, from visual to audio art, whenever I drew fantasy, it usually ended up being torn up in front of me, told it was evil, eventually I was even restricted from illustrating at all, then the musical side, the excuse was instruments are too noisy, so I wasn't allowed to learn to play, eventually I made friends with musicians and learned a bit, but was soon barred from seeing them. I was barred from most friendships I had, usually my parents would judge them falsely and make a scene to get rid of them, usually resulting in trouble at school. I wasn't allowed to wear clothes that I liked, even if was still decent and had to end up wearing something that looked like it came out of the 50's, not that it mattered because we lost everything and I ended up wearing whatever hand me downs I could get from my dad or whatever friends I had.
Majority of my teens years we were living on a poverty line, hardly anything to eat, so I got a job at fifteen, spending more time on work than school, in order to help support my family, I wasn't exactly an achiever at school and trying to learn at school on an empty stomach was pretty difficult, combined with social pressure from peers and the stresses at home. In the process of surviving my parents would usually lash out at me to relieve their stress, whether it was physically or verbally, till this day I have pain from internal injuries as well as the memories, however i've made my peace with it and try to block it out as much as possible.
Poverty has been in front of me my whole life, it brings me down every day I walk out of the house and see the shacks and ruined old building, on some days I couldn't stand to be at home and risked my life to go into those neighborhoods, some times I got attacked and robbed from what little I had, but understood their desperation, some welcomed me into their area of living and it gave me somewhat a piece of mind to live in my conditions, it made me care for these people living in these conditions, never to know a brighter future, oppressed and ignored by many with a handful that would help, and still I feel torn that all I can do is volunteer work to make a difference for them. Then I return home even til this day to hear my parents use derogatory terms toward people they don't really know anything about, and it's just not them I hear it from, I hear it from my sister and her boyfriend as well, even other christian's. I tell them how I feel about it but no one listens and I struggle to see this love Jesus tried to teach.
After college I moved out of the house to another city, I couldn't afford to live in a nicer area so I lived among African prostitutes and drug dealers, I had a good job, I began to smoke a lot of pot, I was away from my family and for the first time, even in the living conditions I was happy, I got into a relationship for the first time and it was the best thing to happen to me, until my parents began to interfere, telling me that they "hate", exactly those words my girlfriend and shouldn't be with her, I ignored them until they began to phone her and make her upset, she eventually held it against me and the relationship was souring. If that was not enough they began to interfere with my work, creating problems for me, eventually I lost my job and my girlfriend who I actually wanted to marry left me, I couldn't find more work and was eventually forced to move back home.
So I am home, it's a small town and can't find work, anyone I could consider a friend that I knew live in another country so I have stuck at home, doing chores, going to church and listening to my parents belittle me more and more, I don't fight them and try to tell them that their actions aren't christian and then they ignore me and continue attacking me. I still want to follow my dreams and in secret I've been teaching myself, and some people actually liked some of my art and music, even if i'm not really that great. So it has come to the point where my parents told me they want me out of the house and don't care if I sleep in the streets, which I've heard since the age of five, but this time it's no idle threat, I have nowhere to go and all I got out of the church is that I should pray, which I do every day and have been doing for a long time and nothing changes. So all I can do now is sell everything I own, which is not a lot, but hopefully I could make two months rent somewhere, maybe i'll find a job, maybe I won't.
So that is only some of the story and I really did not want to let anyone in on it, all I know is I will always love my parents and care for others, I've always done what has been asked of me as best I could. But now i'm tired and worn up, I can't even laugh anymore or smile, I just hope God forgives me for turning my back on him now, my faith is up and hopefully my time will soon be too. I'm tired of seeing wars, racial hatred, white collar crime, rape, murder, prejeduce, poverty, greed, gluttony, and lust. The world is moving rapidly while millions are left behind to eat the dirt being kicked in their faces and powerless as I am, all I'll be able to do is crawl up on a street corner or lay in a field to think of life as a saccharine reverie until hunger brings forth the inevitable, i'd rather go out quietly than be a beggar, soon what faith I have left will be gone and i'll burn for my sins, because every church I go just says I should pray and I see no evidence. I guess I was just destined to become a horrible human being to never do anything right or achieve anything.
Oh and happy new year, have a toast on me since i'll be in my room.
):