Question for New Moms/Dads 35+.

[seoulsearch]

Hi everyone,

I was wondering if all of you first-time parents could tell me what the pros and cons are of starting a family a little "later".

I'm sorry if my posts are beginning to sound like a broken record, but I went through a bad, unwanted divorce 10 years ago and have no children.

Everyone says, "Oh, you're so young, you have time, why worry?"

I'm 35 and God apparently has not had it in His will to have the right guy cross my path yet. And 36 is not that far away. Even my Christian doctor told me, "If you want kids, you'd better start thinking about it now." I don't want to be a single parent if I can help it. I would rather wait for a husband first.

However, if I met someone today--figure 2 years to date, get married, then hopefully have 2 years without kids in order to really get to know each other (that was always my Mom's advice), and that puts me at 40 and having my first baby. Considering that I have absolutely NO prospects in my life at the time, I'm thinking that the age could be closer to 42 or later... Yes, I know the story of Abraham and Sarah but I really don't want to be, say, 45, and having a baby for the first time. Yes, I know I could adopt, but having been adopted, I've never had a biological relative in my life and would like to have that if possible. My adopted brother's kids look just like him and that's a huge pain in my heart--not having anyone I resemble, look like, take after, etc.

I worry about not having enough energy/stamina/attention to give to a family, should I have one. I can definitely tell a difference between now and when I was 25.

I would appreciate any testimonies of the joys and struggles of being a parent for the first time in a person's late thirties and beyond.

Thanks!

 

[faith79]

Hi everyone,

I was wondering if all of you first-time parents could tell me what the pros and cons are of starting a family a little "later".

I'm sorry if my posts are beginning to sound like a broken record, but I went through a bad, unwanted divorce 10 years ago and have no children.

Everyone says, "Oh, you're so young, you have time, why worry?"

I'm 35 and God apparently has not had it in His will to have the right guy cross my path yet. And 36 is not that far away. Even my Christian doctor told me, "If you want kids, you'd better start thinking about it now." I don't want to be a single parent if I can help it. I would rather wait for a husband first.

However, if I met someone today--figure 2 years to date, get married, then hopefully have 2 years without kids in order to really get to know each other (that was always my Mom's advice), and that puts me at 40 and having my first baby. Considering that I have absolutely NO prospects in my life at the time, I'm thinking that the age could be closer to 42 or later... Yes, I know the story of Abraham and Sarah but I really don't want to be, say, 45, and having a baby for the first time. Yes, I know I could adopt, but having been adopted, I've never had a biological relative in my life and would like to have that if possible. My adopted brother's kids look just like him and that's a huge pain in my heart--not having anyone I resemble, look like, take after, etc.

I worry about not having enough energy/stamina/attention to give to a family, should I have one. I can definitely tell a difference between now and when I was 25.

I would appreciate any testimonies of the joys and struggles of being a parent for the first time in a person's late thirties and beyond.

Thanks!

Seoulsearch, I'm so sorry to hear about your divorce and can't imagine what you must have gone through.
I'm 5 years behind ya and I can't say I haven't already gone through the thought process. I'm so glad you are asking about people's testimonies in this matter and I look forward to reading more in this thread.
But my other thought is this, and please know that I say this to myself a million times: Quit worrying about it. If you don't think you're worrying about it, just that you're thinking about it - still, you might be overly preoccupied with it, to the point where it's a distraction from walking with God and trusting him in all areas of our life, 100%. Love and fear do not coexist; neither do love and worry. I am saying this also to myself, here, again. I am not only single, with no children, but I have been disabled since I was 23. (I don't want to go into specifics publicly, but if you want to know, send me a message.) This disability has changed my life both awfully and wonderfully. I don't even know if I could have and/or handle child/children physically. I don't even know if I could handle not being single. I just don't know. There are so many unknowns because who would want a person who doesn't know if she could have children and whose daily activities are to some degree dictated by an illness that will probably last the rest of her life. That is one way of looking at it, but that's not looking at it through God's eyes.
I don't *not* believe in healing. I do. God may do with me what he will; what he has already planned, I submit to. I always wanted a family and I thought I would be an awesome mom. If this is not to be, it is not to be. It took several years before I could - I don't really know how to express it, except - to let go. I let go of so many things when I got sick, and I was very sick at first. I was forced to let go of everything, almost. My classes, my work, my friends, my health, my hobbies, everything was taken away for a long time.
The place where I stand now, and the person I am today is only by the grace of God and is not of my doing. It has been a rough road with many unexpected trials, and many more blessings that far outweigh any trials, and although I do not know what is ahead, I am not afraid. This is my testimony, Seoulsearch....I am childless and if this is God's will, so be it. I would rather please my God and place my trust in him, than to place my trust in myself, to please myself. He is more able than I to take care of me, and if I never have a husband or children, He is my provider, my protector, my encourager, my advocate, my wisdom, and all real joy.
I can ask for nothing more because my cup already overflows.

blessings to you.

Faith

 

[seoulsearch]

Hello Faith,

Thank you so much for your testimony. It's nice not to feel alone--one of the difficult things for me was that throughout and after my divorce, people kept saying, "Oh, you have it so easy, you don't have any kids." While yes, I'm sure there are "advantages", it was not easy at all. And when I tried going to a divorce support group, I became very quickly discouraged because everyone else there had kids and talked about how that's what got them through--they felt like they got up in the morning everyday for their children. And I truly felt like I had nothing, especially since my husband had chosen to leave.

I appreciate what you're saying. This past year I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (basically, my system ovulates very rarely), so I'm unsure if I can physiologically have children either.

As you said though, I'll go with whatever is God's will. And I don't think I've wasted the time--at least I've tried not to. I've participated in a wide variety of classes at my church, as well as volunteer and ministry opportunities. And it's not like I can't be around children if I don't want to--all my friends have kids and I spent a few years in my church's nursery and children's program. I've also taken the opportunity to brush up on a few hobbies as well.

And I do hope there are several people out there who reply to this thread--I'm looking forward to hearing their stories too.

 

[faith79]

God bless ...
Faith

 

[Sharp]

Hey Seoulsearch

I've never given birth to any children, nor am I over 35.

But my mother, she was trying to have children for 12 years and couldn't for medical reasons. She finally managed to have her first child at 35. She thought that since she was getting older she should try to have as many children as possible in case things stopped working again. She ended up having 4 children in 5 years.

One major downside of this that she always talks about is not being able to lose the weight she put on during the 4 pregnanices, particularly as she was older and exercise is more difficult when you're older, but also because she had 4 children in rapid succession and I suppose maybe the weight gain was consolidated and never had a chance to subside. So maybe its best to wait a few years between children if you want to keep a fit shape...which is not always possible when you're 35 I know.

HOWEVER, one major good point of having children when you're older is that you would be a very mature mother. My mother got to watch all her friends make alot of parenting mistakes, and had time to read millions of books on raising children. This equipped her to raise us really well, since she was waiting her whole life to have children and preparing herself for it. Ask yourself, if you were a baby, would you rather be raised by a 20-year old woman or a 35-year old woman? Not to offend any young mothers out there, but SOME young mothers I see don't seem to know what they're doing, and seem to get frustrated and angry at their children when they cry or mess about, etc. and just don't seem to have the authority over their children that older mothers do, and I think this can definitely influence a child's development. I think an older mother would tend to have a tighter grip on her emotions...I don't know, I'm just speculating, but it is obviously dependant on the woman's personality as well.

The other thing I guess is that people in their 30s tend to be alot richer than people in their 20s, which would probably make things easier, like buying food, clothes, childcare (if you're into that), and spending money on yourself when you need to relax, etc... I think while my mother would have wanted to have children when she was in her 20s, it turned out better that she didn't.

 

[SamIam]

My mom had me when she was really really young.... and she was a horrible parent, she didnt know what she was doing. and she wasnt ready to have a kid, now that she's older shes gettin better at bein a mom. albeit shes 20 some years to late, but still. I wish she was older when she had me, like if i was being born now, she would be a decent parent. I think its best to have kids when your older. In most cases your more settled in life, your more mature.

 

[carpetmanswife]

Sam you need to stop makin so much sense , I just CANT keep on being seen agreeing with you!!



But yes sam is right ususaly older means more mature and better capable of caring for children properly..ive thought many times wish i were older when i had my son, i feel i would have done a much better job.

 

[SamIam]

Sam you need to stop makin so much sense , I just CANT keep on being seen agreeing with you!!



But yes sam is right ususaly older means more mature and better capable of caring for children properly..ive thought many times wish i were older when i had my son, i feel i would have done a much better job.

hahahah i feel like i should apologize for makin sense........... umm sorry??? lol

 

[seoulsearch]

Hey everyone (especially Sharp and Sam),

Thanks so much for taking the time to respond to this post. I'm so glad you wrote from your perspective because I never even really considered what it would be like from the point of view of someone born to a young parent. (Carpetmanswife--thank you also for saying you might want to have waited.)

I work with a lot of women who had their kids in their teens and early 20's so I always feel like I'm behind--I know it's not a race but the biological clock does tick. I do hope I don't have an entire litter of kids at once...(a girl I knew in high school had triplets and then another two years later). I think I would go absolutely bonkers... but hey, whatever God has planned. And I do hope if I do become a Mom, I'll be able to do a good job.

I have two nephews and a niece but they live on opposite sides of the country... but if I want to be around kids there are always lots of options. This past spring I went to color eggs with my best friend's kids and... I'm not sure who was more covered with paint by the end of the day--them or me.

Thanks a lot for your input--it was very encouraging.

Hugs to all,
Kim

 

[imoss]

my husband & i got together 19 years ago. from the MINUTE we were together it was just right. the Lord put us in the same place at the same time over a two month period and 6 different locations no one in common. this is His work. so the 2 years dating thing... may be cut down drastically so dont fret. I had my first son at 32 and my second at 36 so i am an "old" mom. With respect to the weight, in that I truly believe you are what you dedicate yourself to be. I choose to take time for myself to workout (in my home) its very easy to do once you make up your mind. things like the stairs can be your equipment. i incorporated my baby into my workouts playing gentle lifting games with him (once he was old enough of course) I'm by no means a perfect mom... i constantly rebuke myself my mistakes but I know that i am a million times the mom i would have been in my early 20's. that is just me though. i am more patient (still lacking though) and they & my husband are my primary focus. I think my boys keep me young... if they were in their late teens like my friends kids i wouldnt be out jumping on the trampoline, riding bikes and helping them learn to ride bikes. I'm thankful i waited and also very thankful that God blessed us as soon as we started trying. I can understand the urgency you feel though and think its quite insensitive for your friends with children to make you feel bad in that way. I think they are trying in a misguided way to make you feel better about your situation, but i got to tell you i love being a mom & wife & would not trade it for all the "freedom" in the world.. Whatever the Lord has in store for you embrace and take great joy in it. If it doesnt work for you to have your "own" children perhaps you feel called because there are other children who need you. Anyway I've said a prayer for you that Gods will be done in your life. please NO SETTLING because you are in a hurry. I truly hope it all works out for you! God Bless you. Marcia.

 

[seoulsearch]

Thanks so much for your post, Marcia. I think you made some excellent points and am encouraged that you say your kids keep you young. I've never been someone who was like, "Oh, I HAVE to have kids," but as I get older... I guess you start to feel something in your heart. I agree that as you get older you may become more patient, focused, and experienced...

Maybe there's hope after all!

Thanks so much for your uplifting words. They are greatly appreciated!

 

[vanessa]

I will simply say just this, Sometimes older is not always better and Sometimes younger is not better. It depends on these things. The person And the situation.
As the old saying goes: Do not judge a book by its cover, at least read the first page.

Do not judge unless you want to be judged.

 

[seoulsearch]

Yes, I think God has an individual plan for everyone, and that can include experiencing things at very unique ages that are ideal for each individual. I work with many Moms who became so in their teens... it might not have been planned but they are great mothers, too.

 

[Lauren]

You know, you just find a way to make yourself have the stamina and strength to do what you need to do each day. I'm 42 and I have an 8 year old and a 6 year old. I'm not saying it wouldn't have been a bit easier (physically) when I was younger, but you just do what you have to do and place one step in front of the other each day. One day at a time.

I can't really think of any pros or cons for either side.

 

[imoss]

i'm sorry if my post came off as judging younger moms. i was only speaking to me as an individual. I hang out with lots of the young moms in my sons school and they are amazing young women and good moms. I just know WHO i am & how i was at that age. didnt mean to judge anyone other than me own self! :0)