Newly Married

[Orowitz]

Well, I recently got married to my wonderful husband Eugene.
I've had alot of people say that the first year is the worst.
We seem like we're off to a pretty great start.
Granted we did only get married on January 13th.
But the people that have told me that, I don't think were ever happy with their marriage.
I think that having a marriage founded on God, and centered around him makes the difference.
I'm just curious as to wether I'm being blinded by the wedding bliss, or is it true what they say that the first year is the hardest? Even before we ever got married we never had an argument about anything.
And what is the best way to recognize that a marriage is in trouble?

[Ugly]

I've never heard anyone say that, and i'm not married. I can somewhat see it, learning how to adjust to each other habits and things. Perhaps if you have lots of similar habits, or are already well familiar with the them transition may be easier. I wouldn't worry about it, though. If you're happy in your marriage now then that's all that matters.
Though i'm not married, i have done a lot of reading about it, thinking about it, talking to married and divorce people and feel i have as good a grasp as i can for someone with no experience. I think i have a better grasp on it than some married people. From what i've heard from married couples, one sure way to know you're marriage is in trouble is (and i don't mean this to be forward or crass) in the bedroom. You'll develop your own standards of whats normal in frequency etc... Any long term disruption of that can indicate a problem. People naturally want to be intimate when they feel close to their spouse, once you stop wanting to be intimate it's likely you've stopped feeling close.
I think long as both members of the marriage remember the marriage is not about 'what can i get out of this' but is about 'what can i do for them', and they both act that attitude out on a regular basis then that should go a long way in maintaining the marriage. So often people think of marriage a way to get away from their home or past. Or as a way to feel fulfilled. Or expecting the other person to make them happy, instead of being happy first.
One thing i suggest is finding the scripture on love (love is patient, love is kind, etc) and letting that be a frequent reminder. Hold your attitude and actions up against it on a regular basis to see if your love is measuring up to the biblical standard. And anytime you feel angry or annoyed with the person, do the same thing. I've used this in relationships and found i am much more patient.. and the times i do lose my patience i am faster to ease up and stop fighting when i think it and hold myself to it.
Hope some of this helps. But all in all, if you're happy, and he's happy, then don't worry about the naysayers. Some people are so embittered by their past relationships or marriages they can't see the goodness of a healthy marriage any longer. Kick those people out.

[Be_Evergreen]

The one rule that I see posted all over, when people are asking for relationship advice- "don't compare yourself to other couples." If other people compare you, that's them, but what you have is yours alone . I wouldn't say that the first year is always the hardest, but like Ugly above said, it's a time of adjustment, right? It's something new.

It is wonderful and extremely healthy to have a marriage based on the love of God. May you both grow strong in your faith, and consequentially with each other!

One more thing, about what your friends seem to think of marriage- a lot of people don't realize that marriage takes work, and so they just expect their marriage to always be okay. Both of you must continue to respect one another, to show that you love one another through what you do ("Love is a verb", so showing that you care, always) and to find healthy ways of getting through any problems that you may have, together. But as long as you are both willing to keep giving unselfishly, I think it will all be fine.

[barukhmalachi]

Depends on how long you knew each other before you got married. The first year maybe a learning process to really know each others bad habits and such. Remember you will have good times and bad times in any marriage. If you each seek god and view marriage as a covenant before the lord and stick with it in the bad as well as good you will be ok. Remember a soft answer turns away wrath. Deal with bad habits and arguements in love not anger. I married my wife after a month but could only visit her on weekends. We have been together 10 years now. There's been bad times. Many of them. But we stick together through it all. You will be just fine. Listen to god not others examples of failure. Life and death is in the power of the tongue, confess in faith it will last forever.

[shekaniah]

Jesus bless this marriage with love, understanding and grace In Your sweet Name, Amen!!!
Pray for your marriage every day!
You will be fine...it is a journey...handle it with love and prayer!!!

[Orowitz]

Thank you all for the advice! I have faith in God, and my husband that our marriage will last, and be loving and fully founded on our faith.

[sjask]

To Newly Married
I have had a long but sadly unhappy marraige, neither of us were Christians when we married 26 years ago. I would say that having Christ at the center of your marraige will be the deciding factor, stay on top of problems and don't let them snowball. If both of you allow the Holy Spirit to convict you of wrong doing you will be able to correct problems. Love God first but love each other like crazy and have the other's back at all times and keep a check on sin that might creep into your lives. I wish you an amazing journey together, only God knows when difficulty will come over the years so the work you put into this marraige will pay off when trouble pops up. May God bless you and keep you close and may your marraige be a lifelong venture.

[Bobbyking]

Originally Posted by Orowitz

Thank you all for the advice! I have faith in God, and my husband that our marriage will last, and be loving and fully founded on our faith.

Hi

There's definitely no guarantee as far as marriage is concerned, but if the marriage is not developed from the start, then the failure is guaranteed...

That said, you must work out your marriage. Three areas, among others, which you may want to put priority in:

1. Communication (Most important)
2. Finance
3. Sex

And always check with your spouse that both of you are walking right with God and pray daily with each other.

And have lots of joy in your marriage.

Originally Posted by Orowitz

Well, I recently got married to my wonderful husband Eugene.
I've had alot of people say that the first year is the worst.
We seem like we're off to a pretty great start.
Granted we did only get married on January 13th.
But the people that have told me that, I don't think were ever happy with their marriage.
I think that having a marriage founded on God, and centered around him makes the difference.
I'm just curious as to wether I'm being blinded by the wedding bliss, or is it true what they say that the first year is the hardest? Even before we ever got married we never had an argument about anything.
And what is the best way to recognize that a marriage is in trouble?

Ive been married for 6 months and in no way do I regret my choice of husband. He is a godly leader and very appreciative of how I serve him, and he also encourages and serves me.

I think the issue with today is that alot of people (even christians) aren't taught to prepare for that first year. The first year is really joyous obviously, but the hard thing that most can't pin point is the fact that when you live with one another you reveal each others sin problems. Its those things that are easy to hide when you're single because sometimes its something so tiny that you leave under a rug easily and it grows without you ever noticing so to speak. But in marriage, whether people like it or not all their dirty laundry comes out to hang in front of each other. And the marriage takes a quick nose dive when neither are repentant of their sins and willing to work on stuff together. My husband and I figured out our dirty laundry before we married so that when we came face to face with the sin, we weren't surprised but worked on it immediately.

Another reason, (and this is just my own theory) is that some marriages nose dive in the first year because both partners idolise either each other or the concept of co-dependence. And neither is healthy for marriage. And when you idolise either of those you will inevitable get betrayed and bitter against your spouse because you've held them to a standard of perfection which isnt realistic.


And the best way to identify marital trouble?

When God doesn't come first
and
The basic friendship between spouses isnt invested in. Culture says sex and romance is the most important. It isnt. True biblical romance and sex are the byproducts of friendship. Its never the other way round. We all hope to still be having sex well into our 90s with our spouse (to the disgust of our children and grandchildren), but thats rare. Ill health, energy, arthritis and body changes can halt sex forever but it shouldn't halt friendship.

When I die and meet Jesus, I want to do so knowing I remained the best of friends with my husband.

[dmdave17]

Dear Orowitz,

To really stretch a metaphor, "If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it is a duck." If it feels like you have a good, God-based marriage, you probably do. My adivce would be, don't go looking for problems where none exist. Remember, the "prince of this world" likes to use doubt to shake our faith and get us thinking that, maybe, God isn't in control after all.

He is! And he will continue to bless your marriage as long as you leave it in His hands.

[Gabriel777]

My dad says it's the 5th year that for some reason is the hardest. I will not accept such worldliness.

I've been married for a year and to be honest it's no big deal. As long as you are centered in God nothing can pull you apart. It is also the responsibility of the head to make sure you don't go to bed angry with one another or let petty things get in the way. On the side note, we decided not to have friends because all they do is bring negativity and they have that ''hater'' attitude towards you. Maybe it's the people here in Gomorrah--I mean Miami. Now I'm not saying not to have friends but be careful who you guys befriend. Don't let other people brainwash you!

[zeroturbulence]

I also heard that the first 5 years are the hardest. If you can get through the first five, the rest will be easier. It has nothing to do with being God centered or not. It has everything to do with compatibility issues (Does he/she have habit/s that you can't stand and that they can't seem to give up? Does he/she spend too much money on this or that, or not put enough towards this or that. Does he/she seem like they aren't keeping up with their share of responsibilities. Are one of you being too demanding or too rebellious towards the other, etc...)

[Gabriel777]

Originally Posted by zeroturbulence

I also heard that the first 5 years are the hardest. If you can get through the first five, the rest will be easier. It has nothing to do with being God centered or not. It has everything to do with compatibility issues (Does he/she have habit/s that you can't stand and that they can't seem to give up? Does he/she spend too much money on this or that, or not put enough towards this or that. Does he/she seem like they aren't keeping up with their share of responsibilities. Are one of you being too demanding or too rebellious towards the other, etc...)

If you don't figure that out in the first few years then there are some communication problems. You both have to be in the same page. You both have to realize that you are 2 sinners coming together and it won't be easy but persevere no matter what. In marriage it's double the responsibility but double the blessing.

[zeroturbulence]

Originally Posted by Gabriel777

If you don't figure that out in the first few years then there are some communication problems. You both have to be in the same page. You both have to realize that you are 2 sinners coming together and it won't be easy but persevere no matter what. In marriage it's double the responsibility but double the blessing.

The first 5 years IS the first few years. Five years in a new marriage often goes by very quickly.