I am so glad that I came across this site. I have been searching for a place where I can speak with other Christians. Where do I begin. Shorty after being married, I gave my life to the Lord.
My husband left me 2 years ago after 9 years of marriage for someone else, and according to him I am a good wife, but I'm not for him. I was angry as I had put up with the verbal abuse, the drinking and his complete disrespect in public and private. The only thing left was for him to hit and spit on me. I was the one who gave 150% due to my contract with God. I was determined to give it my all. Even after I decided to give him the divorce without any fight, he took me to the cleaners, and basically forced me out of our home. You would have thought that I was the one who did the abuse or wanted the divorce. It had left me scared, and I look at our courting and marriage as wasted years of my life that you can never regain. But, I moved on.
That has been over 2 years now, and I am still alone. He has moved on with his life, and I have forgiven him, but I would not wish him back into my life.
Here is the part that I am so torn about. My marriage and separation has been over 2 yrs now, and I spend all my time except at work alone. I do not date nor even give the inkling to anyone that I am interested. You see the bible said that God hates divorce. In addition according to the bible, you either have to be reconciled to your spouse or wait upon their death to remarry. The former is not going to happen as it's just a matter of time before he remarries, and I would not wish death upon him. Must I spend the rest of my life alone? Why am I being the one who is punished for his actions?
I am so torn and confused as I am so so so alone. God, I just can't take this anymore. I go to church alone, eat alone, walk alone, and stay alone, go to the movies alone. I am alone, I don't have any family, and my girlfriends all have their husbands or soon to be husbands. I just don't want to go to hell if I remarry. That is my greatest concern and fear that is why I don't date. As why waste a guys time, if I know that I won't be able to marry him anyway. I just don't know how much longer I can take this. No one understands how conflicted inside I am. I sometimes cry myself to sleep at night with this unbearable emptiness. I don't want to go against God as He has been so GREAT to me, so I keep holding on.
My pastor says, be patient, but I'm like be patient on what? For my ex husband to die (no I don't say that out loud) ? My friend would use the terms, "God wants us to be happy," referring that I should remarry. But in the back of my head I know I'd be thinking this goes against God word. Plus, I want to be the good disciple. I am getting older and time is moving on. What am I waiting on? Am I really to spend the rest of my life alone?