trying to build up your mate by encouraging them

[seed_time_harvest]

should we encourage one another if what we say makes our loved one feel good,but its not what we really feel? ie.that dress really makes your eyes,look more beautiful,but you are thinking,(i think she wants some other guy to look at her)

[dmdave17]

The answer to your question is a resounding "yes". While it isn't stated in the Bible in so many words, the Book or Proverbs is full of references to "if you can't say something nice about someone, don't say anything at all". In four Gospels, you will notice that Jesus never had a bad word to say about anyone, and He encountered some real questionable characters along the way; tax collectors, prostitutes, adulterers, etc.. Yet He always converted them with a gentle word and a healing touch. As Christians, isn't it always our goal to be more "Christlike".

However, the second part of your statement is somewhat disturbing. It appears (and I'm only speculating, here) that you may have some jealousy or possessiveness issues that you need to work through. And here's the good news. God can help you with those, too. "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." (1 John 1:9) Just ask him, sincerely, to help you work through those types of feelings and He will, no doubt, come to your aid.

God bless you.

[Ellie]

I think there needs to be a balance so that you can both compliment and build up your spouse, (despite the unpleasant things on your mind) and also communicate about issues that affect you so that they can be resolved. Bottling up what makes you uncomfotable or worried is only going to bring it to a head at a really bad moment, but that doesn't mean it's wise (or profitable) to offload your feelings the moment they arise. Timing, tone, intent and general approach makes all the difference to what it is you have to say. Perhaps complimenting her dress when the thought enters your head and biting your tongue about your suspicion would be a good start, and then later, after some prayer, you can bring up your concern at a more neutral time in a calm and productive way. At a time when you are both chilled out and spending time together, while neither of you are any longer at the mercy of the vulnerability of the moment, you can say "I want to talk about something that bothered me today so we can clear it up. Remember that dress you were wearing earlier that you looked so good in? It made me a little jealous. I get so worried that other guys are looking at you...." How far you take it at that point might depend on how deep the issue is. You know the dynamics of your marriage better than me :-) So it's up to you to gage whether it's an issue that needs more work or help than a single conversation.

-Love

[shekaniah]

Originally Posted by Ellie

I think there needs to be a balance so that you can both compliment and build up your spouse, (despite the unpleasant things on your mind) and also communicate about issues that affect you so that they can be resolved. Bottling up what makes you uncomfotable or worried is only going to bring it to a head at a really bad moment, but that doesn't mean it's wise (or profitable) to offload your feelings the moment they arise. Timing, tone, intent and general approach makes all the difference to what it is you have to say. Perhaps complimenting her dress when the thought enters your head and biting your tongue about your suspicion would be a good start, and then later, after some prayer, you can bring up your concern at a more neutral time in a calm and productive way. At a time when you are both chilled out and spending time together, while neither of you are any longer at the mercy of the vulnerability of the moment, you can say "I want to talk about something that bothered me today so we can clear it up. Remember that dress you were wearing earlier that you looked so good in? It made me a little jealous. I get so worried that other guys are looking at you...." How far you take it at that point might depend on how deep the issue is. You know the dynamics of your marriage better than me :-) So it's up to you to gage whether it's an issue that needs more work or help than a single conversation.

-Love

I agree with this, if it is done in love...a wife should want honor to her husband.
If you were to make the comment positive, but informative.
Like Wow! Heads will be turning tonight! You almost look too good in that dress.
We don't want to make the other ladies husbands covet you.
Maybe you should put a camisole on under that, Or a light sweater on.
Leave it up to her to change the dress.

If a dress just looks bad on me, I would want to know.
My kids have told me the truth, "Mom you look OK in that, but you look better
when you wear this." Sometimes we put on a few pounds and don't realize
that some of our clothes do not compliment us anymore.
My kids joke and say," Mom I think those jeans must have shrunk since the last time
you put them on." And under their breath I hear...muffin top!
It makes me laugh, and go look in the mirror. They are usely right.

I hope this helps, God bless you with loving wisdom!

[dmdave17]

Dear Ellie and Shekaniah,

I have a feeling that you guys might be missing my point here. I don't necessarily think that seed_time_harvest was talking about "speaking the truth in love". Notice how he said "when that's not what you really feel". "Feel" is not a neutral word. There is a world of difference (I believe) between "Honey, have you really looked at yourself in the mirror in that dress?", and "That dress looks terrible on you!". Or even, "You look terrible in that dress!".

I think husbands (and wives) have to be very careful to keep their criticisms neutral; based on reason and fact. I try not to criticize my wife's driving just because she is cautious and I am aggressive, and she frustrates me no end. I could say "Boy, you're a lousy driver.", but that wouldn't get anyone anywhere. As Christians, I believe it is our responsibility to always consider the other person's feelings before we verbalize any criticism we are "feeling"; especially when that criticism is based on opinion and not fact.

I wish I could cite a specific example but I can't. I know there are quite a few references in Proverbs to the concept, "Caution. Be sure brain is engaged before running mouth.". I believe that we should always ask ourselves, "What effect will my words have on the other person, and is the issue worth the effect I will create?".

God bless you.

[shekaniah]

Proverbs 17:28
27 The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint,
and whoever has understanding is even-tempered.
28 Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent,
and discerning if they hold their tongues.

Ephesians 5:21- 32
21 and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ. 22 Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. 24 But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her; 26 that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she should be holy and blameless. 28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; 29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, 30 because we are members of His body. 31 For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh. 32 This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless let each individual among you also love his own wife even as himself; and let the wife see to it that she respect her husband.

[Ellie]

Originally Posted by dmdave17

Dear Ellie and Shekaniah,

I have a feeling that you guys might be missing my point here. I don't necessarily think that seed_time_harvest was talking about "speaking the truth in love". Notice how he said "when that's not what you really feel". "Feel" is not a neutral word. There is a world of difference (I believe) between "Honey, have you really looked at yourself in the mirror in that dress?", and "That dress looks terrible on you!". Or even, "You look terrible in that dress!".

I think husbands (and wives) have to be very careful to keep their criticisms neutral; based on reason and fact. I try not to criticize my wife's driving just because she is cautious and I am aggressive, and she frustrates me no end. I could say "Boy, you're a lousy driver.", but that wouldn't get anyone anywhere. As Christians, I believe it is our responsibility to always consider the other person's feelings before we verbalize any criticism we are "feeling"; especially when that criticism is based on opinion and not fact.

I wish I could cite a specific example but I can't. I know there are quite a few references in Proverbs to the concept, "Caution. Be sure brain is engaged before running mouth.". I believe that we should always ask ourselves, "What effect will my words have on the other person, and is the issue worth the effect I will create?".

God bless you.

hiya Dave

Read my post again. I don't think we are in disagreement here. I never said that he should say something awful or that he shouldn't build up and encourage his wife. I merely pointed out the balance that is needed to make sure that trying to be ''positive'' does not become a vehicle for miscommunication on important issues. If he is worried that his wife is trying to attract attention from other guys, this needs to be addressed. Otherwise the suspicion and frustration will only grow and become a monster. Communicating *is* considering the effect that your words have on someone else because what you don't find a way to address calmly will come out in a much less dignified way at a much worse time.

I concur that holding your tongue and using your brain is important. That's why I said that he should hold his tonge and just compliment his wife's dress, in agreement of your own passion for edification and self control. What I was adding is that in a strategic and self controlled way (after prayer, I did say) he should also address the issue that is causing his inner resistance to delivering said compliment, so that he can pull up the root of contention before it gets a chance to strengthen and flourish.

I'm glad we agree that self control is the key.

Much love

[Ellie]

Seed_time_harvest sorry for talking about u like u weren't in the room! I had already hit "Post reply" and I couldn't remember your name, otherwise I would have used it.

Thankyou for sharing this topic it's been thought provoking. I hope something helpful was said.

-Love

[keep_on_smiling]

Originally Posted by seed_time_harvest

should we encourage one another if what we say makes our loved one feel good,but its not what we really feel? ie.that dress really makes your eyes,look more beautiful,but you are thinking,(i think she wants some other guy to look at her)

I think it's ALWAYS important to be honest, but keep in mind whether it will hurt someone or not. I like the comment about if you don't have something nice to say, then don't say anything at all. Stick with that, rather than giving your opinion about something you don't like. If you are asked whether something looks good or if you like it. Then I think you need to be honest. I would not be happy with my husband if he said things that he didn't mean.

I think in a relationship it's important to tell the other what you love about them, that is building them up. Be positive, but honest. And if you think something doesn't look right then find a nice way (in love) to say it or if it's not too bad then don't say anything. And the person on the receiving end of the advice needs to take it with love

Saying something you don't mean is lying and lying is never a good thing, especially in a relationship.