"HELPMEET?" (because their just so stupid)

[Strong1]

Okay ladies, (and men, if you dare )

A growing concern for me is the LACK of God ordained "Leadership" within families today by the men we call husbands.
Should I personally blame my mother in law for not allowing my (now) husband to be a responsible member of society? (because she would do everything for her baby boy...yeah....now he expects the same from me )
Is it the age we are living in? Are men just not behaving the way men used to? (our fathers)
Is it the fact that a good portion of men today did not have the relationship they needed to have with their own fathers, so in turn do not know what responsibility as a man should look like?
OR!!!!........(THIS IS MY TAKE ON THIS) are they just as stupid as they appear to be?

On a serious note though, I struggle with constantly having to tell my husband what it is he needs to do.
And NO, I am not a nagging wife, he just doesnt move until told to.
We have three children together, and one child each, outside of our marriage.
We sat down some time ago, and discussed what our seperate duties would be within the home, and he never does what he said he would do?!
I even have to remind him to engage with our three daughters!!! Otherwise he will just sit in front of the television all night, fall asleep, go to work in the morning, then come home and do it all over again. As if his job ends when he gets home from work?
If he was bringing home enough money to at least pay the bills, maybe I wouldn't be so offended, but he's not even doing that. So in retrospect.........my husband is not providing enough for our household, and he's neglectful of everything else that would make him look a little bit better if he put some effort into it............My mom loves to remind me that I am his "helpmeet" What does that mean? Do for him what he should be doing himself? Is this what God meant by helpmeet?
I'm going to have to ask God to speak to me personally about this one, because, in my opinion, God could never have set us up as, "Helpmeet" for men who don't know how to be the men/father/husband God called them to be, and then, tell us that they are the "Head?"

 

[VII]

sorry for the off subject topic but to all who can hear:

two examples of followers of our Lord Jesus Christ who are lying to them self,

1John2:3-4
3 Now by this we know that we know Him, if we keep His commandments. 4 He who says, “I know Him,” and does not keep His commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him.

1john1:6-7
6 If we say that we have fellowship with Him, and walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. 7 But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin.

Believe + walk in darkness = fake path = hell (evidence in these verses listed)

Believe + walk in light = fellowship + blood of Jesus Christ cleanses us from all sin = heaven (only if it is our Fathers will)

If you are a follower of our Lord Jesus Christ who came down in the Flesh and our Father the God of Abraham Isaac and Jacob, go study your bible and learn what walking in light or darkness even means

Thank you for your time, and have a good day.

 

[zeroturbulence]

Okay ladies, (and men, if you dare )

A growing concern for me is the LACK of God ordained "Leadership" within families today by the men we call husbands.
Should I personally blame my mother in law for not allowing my (now) husband to be a responsible member of society? (because she would do everything for her baby boy...yeah....now he expects the same from me )
Is it the age we are living in? Are men just not behaving the way men used to? (our fathers)
Is it the fact that a good portion of men today did not have the relationship they needed to have with their own fathers, so in turn do not know what responsibility as a man should look like?
OR!!!!........(THIS IS MY TAKE ON THIS) are they just as stupid as they appear to be?

On a serious note though, I struggle with constantly having to tell my husband what it is he needs to do.
And NO, I am not a nagging wife, he just doesnt move until told to.
We have three children together, and one child each, outside of our marriage.
We sat down some time ago, and discussed what our seperate duties would be within the home, and he never does what he said he would do?!
I even have to remind him to engage with our three daughters!!! Otherwise he will just sit in front of the television all night, fall asleep, go to work in the morning, then come home and do it all over again. As if his job ends when he gets home from work?
If he was bringing home enough money to at least pay the bills, maybe I wouldn't be so offended, but he's not even doing that. So in retrospect.........my husband is not providing enough for our household, and he's neglectful of everything else that would make him look a little bit better if he put some effort into it............My mom loves to remind me that I am his "helpmeet" What does that mean? Do for him what he should be doing himself? Is this what God meant by helpmeet?
I'm going to have to ask God to speak to me personally about this one, because, in my opinion, God could never have set us up as, "Helpmeet" for men who don't know how to be the men/father/husband God called them to be, and then, tell us that they are the "Head?"

I'm curious to know what you mean by God ordained leadership. Are you simply referring to how God ordained man the ruler over woman (genesis 3:16)? Or did you mean something else?

 

[Strong1]

Did God not call men to be leaders within their homes? better said, The "Head?"

 

[zeroturbulence]

Did God not call men to be leaders within their homes? better said, The "Head?"

Ok, I thought maybe you meant something else.

 

[AnandaHya]

Strong your husband sounds depressed.

those are things I would do if I was depressed.

instead of putting pressure on him to conform to what you think he should be love him as he is. encourage him in his dreams. thank him for what he does.

be grateful he has a job and goes to work. have the kids engage him instead of making it his job to engage them. teach the kids ways to help out and show him their love and appreciate of who he is and what he has done.

personally I thank God every day my husband is NOT like my father, but then I had a father who tried to kill my little brothers and me so why would i want a man who was like that?

with five kids you are probably stressed out, but its important to take time to spend with each other, not worrying or fighting or anything negative and just remembering why you got married in the first place: love and companionship.

anything you don't water eventually dies, relationships have to be nurtured and cared for.

its not your husband that provide you with food and shelter , but GOD. .

are you telling Him its not enough?

is your marriage based on duties and expectations or love, understanding and supporting one another as you attempt to walk in this world and be a light to it?

I think when God tells us to be helpmates it reminds us to walk beside our husbands. not in front or behind but along side so that if one of us trips the other can lend a hand and help them from falling or if we are too slow to help them back up again. so that together we can walk toward the upward calling of God.

when I was first married lived on very little income but tons of love and hope and dreams.

I've always been taught you do everything in your power to make those you love happy and have found that those who truly love you will do the same.

God provides and sustains. for us to be helpmates we have to have a heart willing to help and mates who need it. just as we need them to help, support and encourage us.

men need our love and respect.

if you call your husband stupid and lazy in your heart, he will know in his that you don't respect him and that would make my husband depressed if I thought such mean things about him. it would make me depressed if he thought such things about me, even if he never said it out loud, facial expressions and body language convey a lot.

 

[Strong1]

Strong your husband sounds depressed.

those are things I would do if I was depressed.

instead of putting pressure on him to conform to what you think he should be love him as he is. encourage him in his dreams. thank him for what he does.

be grateful he has a job and goes to work. have the kids engage him instead of making it his job to engage them. teach the kids ways to help out and show him their love and appreciate of who he is and what he has done.

personally I thank God every day my husband is NOT like my father, but then I had a father who tried to kill my little brothers and me so why would i want a man who was like that?

with five kids you are probably stressed out, but its important to take time to spend with each other, not worrying or fighting or anything negative and just remembering why you got married in the first place: love and companionship.

anything you don't water eventually dies, relationships have to be nurtured and cared for.

its not your husband that provide you with food and shelter , but GOD. .

are you telling Him its not enough?

is your marriage based on duties and expectations or love, understanding and supporting one another as you attempt to walk in this world and be a light to it?

I think when God tells us to be helpmates it reminds us to walk beside our husbands. not in front or behind but along side so that if one of us trips the other can lend a hand and help them from falling or if we are too slow to help them back up again. so that together we can walk toward the upward calling of God.
when I was first married lived on very little income but tons of love and hope and dreams.

I've always been taught you do everything in your power to make those you love happy and have found that those who truly love you will do the same.

God provides and sustains. for us to be helpmates we have to have a heart willing to help and mates who need it. just as we need them to help, support and encourage us.

men need our love and respect.

if you call your husband stupid and lazy in your heart, he will know in his that you don't respect him and that would make my husband depressed if I thought such mean things about him. it would make me depressed if he thought such things about me, even if he never said it out loud, facial expressions and body language convey a lot.

God had a heart to heart with me on this subject last night. I always vent, and God allows me, then he Quietly corrects me in love. But this post somehow brought me to tears. Thank you for your words of knowledge at this very difficult time friend.

 

[lavender_lily]

Amen AmandaHya! That was a very good response and I enjoyed reading it. It reflects my own thoughts. I'm so that that your typed words were able to bring a positive impact the Strong
May God bless you Strong and continue showing you how to treat your husband in uplifting, loving ways. May He give you the strength to get out of bads habits of thinking and feeling poor things about your husband. I hope that your husband will be encouraged by your words and supported by good actions. Please, be in prayer and vent everything to God who is already aware of what is going on. He knows the desires of your heart and wants what's best. *hugs* Things will get better. May Joy and peace be fliing your house in God's ways. And like Amanda said, teach your kids to engage with their dad. And later on he may do the same.
Also keep in mind that people have different temperments. Idk what your husband was like before you met him. But people with a phlygmatic(sp) temperment are usually seen by others as being lazy. They can keep themselves very busy and are content in doing what most may find boring,... but they usually do need extra motivation. They can be very relaxed and possibly don't socialize much. This may not be what your husband is like at all, I just thought I'd throw that out there as a possibility. If he is depressed, the best thing you can do is pray about it, and ask God daily how to meet his needs. If he is positively impacted by you... your kindness will most likely be given back in return later. C:

 

[CanadaNZ]

Okay ladies, (and men, if you dare )

A growing concern for me is the LACK of God ordained "Leadership" within families today by the men we call husbands.
Should I personally blame my mother in law for not allowing my (now) husband to be a responsible member of society? (because she would do everything for her baby boy...yeah....now he expects the same from me )
Is it the age we are living in? Are men just not behaving the way men used to? (our fathers)
Is it the fact that a good portion of men today did not have the relationship they needed to have with their own fathers, so in turn do not know what responsibility as a man should look like?
OR!!!!........(THIS IS MY TAKE ON THIS) are they just as stupid as they appear to be?

The truth is this, too many people get into relationships either without realizing these issues or ignoring these issues. There are males who are men, they are out there, though society is doing its best to kill them off. A sociological study done in the US concluded that socially young adulthood lasts now until 39!!! Do you realize what this means, not only do men get no real pressure to grow up because of the invention of adolescence, and the invention of young adulthood, now they don't need to grow up until they are just about ready for a mid-life crisis which means they don't have to grow up for another 10 years or so.

This is a sad state of affairs that is not being combated well by the church (specifically men in the church). We need to start teaching our boys what it means and takes to be a man. I myself have felt called to this ministry and will be working on creating a curriculum for a pre-teen ministry including a Resolution for them to commit to and strive for.

The only thing you can do in your situation is to put your foot down, tell him you are not his mom and that he needs to grow up. I suggest he read "The Resolution for Men" (By the Kendricks Brothers), listen to "Men and Marriage" (there is also a women and marriage), "Real Marriage" (By Mark and Grace Driscoll). There are other resources out there but those would be beneficial to both parties.

 

[spirit]

It is definatley an upbringing bu his mother as my youngest brother is similar and he will do things when he wants to , not when you tell him too. I'm not sure what culture you are from but that can also stem by his family background as the men in that society can be like that and also it part of his personality. Even though you are not nagging as you said , in a way it is still babying him, another words for yourself, change your attitude toeards him. Believe me after 20 years of marriage , I became smarter. What you do is you focus on yourself how you manage the best way. So if a task is too much to hander , do less of it. If you think it should be done more , than do it beacuse you want to. So another words. control things in your own terms. So once he finds his washing is still in the basket, he will stop and think wow my wife is really that busy. If you do everything , you will be superwoman and can do anything so why need any help. Get it!?? !! See I told you it will work.!!

 

[AnandaHya]

The truth is this, too many people get into relationships either without realizing these issues or ignoring these issues. There are males who are men, they are out there, though society is doing its best to kill them off. A sociological study done in the US concluded that socially young adulthood lasts now until 39!!! Do you realize what this means, not only do men get no real pressure to grow up because of the invention of adolescence, and the invention of young adulthood, now they don't need to grow up until they are just about ready for a mid-life crisis which means they don't have to grow up for another 10 years or so.

This is a sad state of affairs that is not being combated well by the church (specifically men in the church). We need to start teaching our boys what it means and takes to be a man. I myself have felt called to this ministry and will be working on creating a curriculum for a pre-teen ministry including a Resolution for them to commit to and strive for.

The only thing you can do in your situation is to put your foot down, tell him you are not his mom and that he needs to grow up. I suggest he read "The Resolution for Men" (By the Kendricks Brothers), listen to "Men and Marriage" (there is also a women and marriage), "Real Marriage" (By Mark and Grace Driscoll). There are other resources out there but those would be beneficial to both parties.

sounds legalistic
\
I've found promoting intrinsic motivation and values works better then fostering external expectations and rules upon another person.

verbal commitment without heartfelt dedication only leads to feelings of betrayal, oppression and anger.

I don't get the "be a man" thing. I believe all people should learn and be taught how to be Children of God who love and care for others more then themselves.

I believe people should do things out of love and not a sense of duty or shame.

I don't consider people adults or mature based upon their age but upon how well they have learned God's commandments to love your enemies even if they despise you and how they learn to show love as GOD loves and not as the world loves.

don't do things out of obligation but love. its ok to ask for help, but my mother picked her battles with us. sometimes its easier to just do it. sometimes she made us do it.

i've found that kids are easier to train then husbands when it comes to chores.

 

[seas]

Strong your husband sounds depressed.

those are things I would do if I was depressed.

instead of putting pressure on him to conform to what you think he should be love him as he is. encourage him in his dreams. thank him for what he does.

be grateful he has a job and goes to work. have the kids engage him instead of making it his job to engage them. teach the kids ways to help out and show him their love and appreciate of who he is and what he has done.

personally I thank God every day my husband is NOT like my father, but then I had a father who tried to kill my little brothers and me so why would i want a man who was like that?

with five kids you are probably stressed out, but its important to take time to spend with each other, not worrying or fighting or anything negative and just remembering why you got married in the first place: love and companionship.

anything you don't water eventually dies, relationships have to be nurtured and cared for.

its not your husband that provide you with food and shelter , but GOD. .

are you telling Him its not enough?

is your marriage based on duties and expectations or love, understanding and supporting one another as you attempt to walk in this world and be a light to it?

I think when God tells us to be helpmates it reminds us to walk beside our husbands. not in front or behind but along side so that if one of us trips the other can lend a hand and help them from falling or if we are too slow to help them back up again. so that together we can walk toward the upward calling of God.

when I was first married lived on very little income but tons of love and hope and dreams.

I've always been taught you do everything in your power to make those you love happy and have found that those who truly love you will do the same.

God provides and sustains. for us to be helpmates we have to have a heart willing to help and mates who need it. just as we need them to help, support and encourage us.

men need our love and respect.

if you call your husband stupid and lazy in your heart, he will know in his that you don't respect him and that would make my husband depressed if I thought such mean things about him. it would make me depressed if he thought such things about me, even if he never said it out loud, facial expressions and body language convey a lot.

excellent reply!

 

[seas]

.

Strong your husband sounds depressed.

those are things I would do if I was depressed.

instead of putting pressure on him to conform to what you think he should be love him as he is. encourage him in his dreams. thank him for what he does.

be grateful he has a job and goes to work. have the kids engage him instead of making it his job to engage them. teach the kids ways to help out and show him their love and appreciate of who he is and what he has done.

personally I thank God every day my husband is NOT like my father, but then I had a father who tried to kill my little brothers and me so why would i want a man who was like that?

with five kids you are probably stressed out, but its important to take time to spend with each other, not worrying or fighting or anything negative and just remembering why you got married in the first place: love and companionship.

anything you don't water eventually dies, relationships have to be nurtured and cared for.

its not your husband that provide you with food and shelter , but GOD. .

are you telling Him its not enough?

is your marriage based on duties and expectations or love, understanding and supporting one another as you attempt to walk in this world and be a light to it?

I think when God tells us to be helpmates it reminds us to walk beside our husbands. not in front or behind but along side so that if one of us trips the other can lend a hand and help them from falling or if we are too slow to help them back up again. so that together we can walk toward the upward calling of God.

when I was first married lived on very little income but tons of love and hope and dreams.

I've always been taught you do everything in your power to make those you love happy and have found that those who truly love you will do the same.

God provides and sustains. for us to be helpmates we have to have a heart willing to help and mates who need it. just as we need them to help, support and encourage us.

men need our love and respect.

if you call your husband stupid and lazy in your heart, he will know in his that you don't respect him and that would make my husband depressed if I thought such mean things about him. it would make me depressed if he thought such things about me, even if he never said it out loud, facial expressions and body language convey a lot.

excellent reply! This reminds me of proverbs 31.

 

[CanadaNZ]

sounds legalistic
\
I've found promoting intrinsic motivation and values works better then fostering external expectations and rules upon another person.

verbal commitment without heartfelt dedication only leads to feelings of betrayal, oppression and anger.

I don't get the "be a man" thing. I believe all people should learn and be taught how to be Children of God who love and care for others more then themselves.

I believe people should do things out of love and not a sense of duty or shame.

I don't consider people adults or mature based upon their age but upon how well they have learned God's commandments to love your enemies even if they despise you and how they learn to show love as GOD loves and not as the world loves.

don't do things out of obligation but love. its ok to ask for help, but my mother picked her battles with us. sometimes its easier to just do it. sometimes she made us do it.

i've found that kids are easier to train then husbands when it comes to chores.

It has nothing to do with legalism. Christian men need to be learning and teaching the next generation what God expects of them as men, husbands and fathers. Her husband is being selfish, pure and simple. You said you think it sounds like he is depressed, a woman may see it that way, but as a man I can tell you he is being selfish and doing what he wants rather than showing sacrificial (Godly) love to his family.

 

[CC_Bride]

You're wondering about the headship thing, because of your husband's lack of leadership, support should you still have to submit to him?

The number one person you submit to is Jesus plain and simple THEN your husband. Now, if Jesus was here in the flesh would he treat you and your children the way your husband currently is? No. Your husband is not loving you as Christ loved his bride. And because he is not loving youas Christ would you do not have to submit to him at a level that rewards his behaviour.

I don't agree with AnandaHya's advice (no offence). Encouraging a man who is already acting selfish, do you know what that does? It rewards his negative behaviour making you the enabler. You said so yourself you're not being a nag so you're not unfairly 'punishing' him either which you don't want to do.

I don't like at all that AnandaHya has made your genuine god given practical expectations of your husband as something to be condemned! Have any of you read 'The love Languages'? That book is brilliant. It explains how we want to give and recieve love through 5 ways - words, acts of service, quality time, physical touch, gifts. YOU my sister sound like you have the language of acts of service. And you should not be ashamed of letting your husband know that while you should find out his. I have no idea what langauge your husband is but it aint the same as yours obviously.

Second of all, your children should not have to seek your husband out, again that enables his behaviour to think that he can sit on his butt and do nothing and get attention from his children instead of it being the other way round. Relationship is a two way street, if all you're children are doing is seeking him out (while hes more interested in the tv), they will very quickly learn he is not interested in them and thus they will lose all respect for him as their father. Being the leader means HE is the one to initiate relationship NOT your children. You and your children are not to be his 'make me happy and feel good' servants.

Talk to a Christian counsellor about this and seek out the pastor or some strong male elder leader because in my opinion men build up men, but men also need to be rebuked by men and your husband clearly needs both. Is he a believing Christian in the first place? Is he involved in church community and has strong male christian friends?

You said it yourself, your husband has effectively lived the life of a perpetual child where he grew up being coddled and spoonfed by his mother and he got so used to it he expects the same from you. My question is, wasn't this obvious before you married the guy?

Ive seen that Men and Marriage sermon CanadaNZ reccommended and its a real eye opener for women, preached by a man who cares deeply for the welfare of wives and making sure todays men get their act together.

Your husband is not depressed, hes being selfish and that selfishness has been enabled by someone throughout his life.

 

[Lucy68]

Great answers above! But there IS a big problem with men not being spiritual leaders in their families. I think the explanation is in Genesis....and the 'curses' that were put on the man and the woman. Vague, but interesting. Don't we see these played out every day?

Woman was going to 'desire her husband' ...in what way? Yeah, physical desire is there but I think it means more. I think women were going to be super critical of their husbands (and maybe with good reason). Mainly, my desire is the wish that my husband was the spiritual leader in our family that God mandated. Yet, he isn't. So what do I do? Pray for him and continue with my own walk, and NOT BE RESENTFUL. That's in capital letters because this is what I struggle with most!

Another perspective....my husband may consider ME lazy because he always has to be doing something. He'll not sit down and relax or think about anything except his technical work. I really do admire his work ethic but sometimes it's obsessive. He'll house clean when the house is fine, instead of spending time with his kids (or me) doing something else....like having FUN.

So we all have to figure out how to love our spouse, even when we have disappointments with them. A critical part of this is to examine ourselves. After all, we can't change other people, only ourselves and our own attitudes.

I think it's still reasonable though to try to discuss things with each other in a calm and rational way in order to make daily living easier for everybody.

 

[rainacorn]

Get rid of your tv.