I am a christian of several years and have an issue within my marriage. .
This may end up being a long post so I apologise ahead of time. . I will try to keep as short as possible. . ahem. .
It is fair to say I have had my issues. .I have not been the best man in the world. . suffering rejection, anger, jealousy and insecurity along with paranoia blah blah blah. . lots of issues due to no mother growing up and an abusive father. I found my self hiding behind all these masks to justify my behaviour before I came to Christ and sought help. .I feel I am pretty well adjusted now. . walking away from rows rather than engaging them. . trying to mind my tongue where I may have let loose just 18 months ago.
Now I am cleaned up and have clearer vision I relaise my wife is a bully on an emotional level. .she exhibits the following with frequent regularity:
Bullying. If she doesn’t get her way, there’s hell to pay. She wants to control me and resorts to emotional intimidation to do it. She uses verbal assaults and threats in order to get me to do what she wants. It makes her feel powerful to make me feel bad.
Unreasonable expectations. No matter how hard I try and how much I give, it’s never enough. She expects me to drop whatever I'm doing and attend to her needs. No matter the inconvenience, she comes first. She has an endless list of demands that no one mere mortal could ever fulfill. Common complaints include: You’re not romantic enough, you don’t spend enough time with me, you’re not sensitive enough, you’re not smart enough to figure out my needs, you’re not making enough money, you’re not FILL IN THE BLANK enough. Basically, I'm not enough, because there’s no pleasing this woman.
Verbal attacks.This is self-explanatory. She employs schoolyard name calling, pathologizing (e.g., armed with a superficial knowledge of psychology she uses diagnostic terms like labile, paranoid, narcissistic, etc. for a 50-cent version of name calling), criticizing, threatening, screaming, yelling, swearing, sarcasm, humiliation, exaggerating my flaws, and making fun of me in front of others, including our children and other people she’s not intimidated by.
Gaslighting. “I didn’t do that. I didn’t say that. I don’t know what you’re talking about. It wasn’t that bad. You’re imagining things. Stop making things up
Unpredictable responses. What is ok today is not ok tomorrow leavingme on edge as if walking on eggshells.
Constant Chaos. She’s addicted to conflict. She gets a charge from the adrenaline and drama. She may deliberately start arguments and conflict as a way to avoid intimacy, to avoid being called on her rubbish, to avoid feeling inferior or, bewilderingly, as an attempt to avoid being abandoned. She may also pick fights to keep me engaged or as a way to get me to react to her with hostility, so that she can accuse me of being abusive and she can play the victim. This maneuver is, I believe, a defense mechanism called projective identification.
Emotional Blackmail. She threatens to abandon me, to end the relationship, or give me the cold shoulder if I don’t play by her rules.
So my question is what do I do. . the other day I came home to find she had cut up some of my clothes and broke some personal items only because I had taken our 2 boys out on a bike ride she did not want me to take them on as she thought it was unfair for me to take our boys on the bikes leaving her with the 2 girls???
If I seperate from her due to emotional bullying and intimidation as well as criminal damage on my personal items will God hold me in judgement?
I should also say she explained her trashing my stuff and cutting up my clothes as my fault for leaving her in a rage and rejecting her. . I Told her I was rejecting the argument not her. .as it was unhelathy to behave like this in front of the children and as I had promised the boys a bike ride I was not wanting them to be let down as she wanted me to. .she mocked me by saying in a childish whiny voice. . ooh look at me the perfect parent not letting down the boys. . she text me to tell me we were over. . but tells me I am rejecting her?
I have no doubt this relationship is abusive. . but what to do - as she thinks it is ALL me and she is fine!!