My sons

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I

Imagine

Guest
#1
#1
I have three sons, and all truthfulness things could be worse with them and that is why sometimes I question my parenting as their father.

The oldest just turned 22 with the next one turning 20. For the past 7 years I have had my share of dissappointments and heartbreaks and head bumping with both of them doing things such as hanging with the wrong kind of kids, experimenting and using drugs, alcohol, stealing, police arrest, jail time, running away from home and then begging to come back home in which both my wife and I patch them up and lay out the ground rules....again...in regards to living under our roof.

We as a family have overcome many of these issues but there are still some that creeps up such as the need to smoke pot or the new thing they smoke called "Spice" which is a synthetic cannabis that produces the same results as pot but is legal (in some states). Alcohol consumption is the other stumbling block in their lives.

They were all raised on Christ since they were in their mothers womb. We both prayed over them from the time of conception through all their early years. They know the word and they have at times in their lives given their hearts to Jesus.

Its just the thing that happens when we grow into adulthood that we find themselves at crossroads that many times sway us to indulge in our sinful nature and we forget about our relationship with Jesus.

My problem is....I didn't do these things to my parents that they've done to me....so I find myself always getting very emotionally upset with them in ways that make me feel guilty afterwards. I get very angry with them because it just frustrates me beyond my natural limits as to why they need to feel they have to put chemicals in their system?!?!?

And the reason I get guilty about my reactions is because I pray and ask the Lord to help me not react in a way that is not Christ-like but I fail. It just gets to me too easy.

So I question myself as their father: "Am I too rigid in my ways and just need to cut them some slack?", or stand my ground and continue with the "It's my house and you'll do as I say or get out!" format.

The thing is....I love my sons....and it just breaks my heart when I have to be hard core with them.
Has anybody walked this road before?
 
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loveme1

Senior Member
#2
Oct 30, 2011
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#2
13Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die.

14Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell.
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Being a parent is tough, and you may not beat your sons, but this brings home the seriousness of our duties as parents.

Be the correcting Father for the sake of your boys.

Remember when Yahshua the Messiah said :

30And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
Click to expand...
The Messiah is telling us that we would benefit more by losing a hand that causes us to sin than going to hell.
So your boys are better off with a caring correcting Father, than one that because of his own "guilt" allows them to continue in their error.

Do not let your emotions control you, you love them and are trying to keep them from the traps they can fall in.....

Peace and Blessing in the name of Yahvah God and Yahshua the Messiah.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#3
#3
Yeah, one bad idea is comparing yourself in your upbringing to them. Your parents aren't you. Your kids aren't you. How you were when you were being raised has nothing to do with how your kids will be. You don't compare. People are different, respond different, feel different, so expecting your kids to respond the way you did isn't fair. And, as you can see, only leads to you having expectations on them that will only let you down. Your kids will make their own choices... and mistakes, so allow them to be their own people.
Now, that being said, am i saying to allow them to go wild? No. You have the right to expect people living in your home to abide by the rules you set, whether its your own child, or a paying renter. But sometimes people have to make their own mistakes, and aren't able to learn from others. Your kids are doing just that, pray that they survive long enough to come back to what they know is right.
And also, getting emotional when you deal with you kids usually means you are not in control of yourself. Learning to hold your emotions in check will go a long way. Remember, every time you get emotional, lose control, shoot your mouth off.. the more justified they feel in doing what they're doing. When you mouth off under emotion they don't hear the point you're making. They only see you out of control and angry. Any attempt to teach them or help them will be useless when you're angry and emotional. By keeping control, not only are they more prone to hear you, you don't have to deal with the guilt afterwards.

Hope some of this helps a little.
 
C

CatWoman

Guest
#4
#4
I think you need to turn to a pro for conseling and take parenting classes. Here in Michigan I took S.T.E.P.Training classes. It stands for Systamatic Training for Effective Parenting. It helped me out very much so.
 
Tsalagi

Tsalagi

Banned [Reason: ongoing "gay Christian" agenda --
#5
May 19, 2012
113
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#5
I'm 16 and I say stand your ground. Your kids are young. Not stupid. Drugs and alcohol are not acceptable. They pollute your mind and your body. You DO NOT cut them any slack, especially since many of those acts are illegal. The last thing someone in their 20s needs is a criminal record. Colleges and jobs do background checks now. I work at an arts and crafts store and they do drug testing. No one wants to hire someone they think has a drug problem.

Also, on a personal note, my mother and biological father both struggle wth addiction. My father is currently a heroin addict and my mother is a recovering alcoholic. They need to get their act together before it's too late.

Have you addressed some of the dangers of alcohol/drugs? Or have you just said "Don't do it because I say so?"
 
I

Imagine

Guest
#6
#6
Thank you....each of you...but especially you Tsalagi. I was totally taken aback when I read your response and the fact that you're only 16. I have received welcomed support and helpful insights from people classified as "adults" and that is almost always expected. But your response affected me quite differently. It lifted my spirits and gave me hope that I can work things out with my sons. I don't want to get upset and angry with them anymore. I so earnestly want the Lord to give me his gentle and loving Spirit to handle these things his way. Though I have to stand my ground I am sure there is a better way to do it. His way. Change should begin with me first. And maybe these things happen so that he might prune me into someone better and my sons are his instruments. But at the same time he'll work with them too. Thank you again so much and I pray the Lord bless you mightly and all who offered me their support.
 
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loveme1

Senior Member
#7
Oct 30, 2011
8,083
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#7
Yes, he really does bring something to you at just 16 years of age too.
 
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Lucy68

Senior Member
#8
Jan 21, 2011
2,538
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#8
It is VERY DIFFICULT to raise your children following God's guidelines and then see them turn away from what you've taught them. I think this gives us a glimpse of how God sees us and our own rebellion :) . It just plain hurts.

As parents we should set standards in our own homes. If they're living under our roof they need to follow simple and rational rules.

Are your older children (past high school) getting an education and/or working? If they have enough time and money to purchase alcohol and drugs, then it's time they lived on their own.

My children are going to college and working part time. They have made unhealthy choices that puts them on their own. We still help them some financially but if they want to buy things they shouldn't be buying then they have to earn that money themselves. Their dad and I call them often and make every effort to visit with them and let them know that we still love them....we give them as much emotional support as possible while also letting them know that we don't accept bad choices.

I think it's important to let them suffer the consequences of their choices since they won't listen to reason and wisdom.

Try not to go into a rage but be rational, calm, and logical as you speak to them.

I hate to say it but I think this generation is very much 'spoiled' (probably the seniors say the same thing about my generation :) ). They have too much leisure time and that's when people get into trouble. Everything has been too easy for them. I'm afraid my husband and I have made life too easy for our children.

The negative things about the internet and video gaming has also been deterimental to this generation.

Praying for you for God's wisdom in interacting with your children :)
 
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cellist227

Guest
#9
#9
Getting "emotionally upset" with your sons for this behavior is absolutely understandable, because God wants us to hate what he hates! Anything that alters your mood (alcohol, pot, spice) cracks open a door to the demonic realm, and for 17 years I've watched my son's life be destroyed by addiction that started by sharing a joint with a best friend on the way to the 6th grade bus.
 
Dan58

Dan58

Senior Member
#10
Nov 13, 2013
1,991
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#10

You wrote; "I didn't do these things to my parents that they've done to me." Why not? What did your parents instill in you, or how did they raise you? Perhaps there's a lesson in their parenting skills that you could emulate?

Also, don't take it too personally, I doubt your sons think they're doing anything to specifically hurt you, they're just having a good time. Hopefully its just a phase that they'll grow out of. But until then, I'd only suggest putting emotions on a shelf and focus on enforcing some rules. Sounds like your too nice? jmo
 
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Ugly

Guest
#11
#11
This thread is from June 2012. The OP has not signed into the site since June 2012.
 
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