marriage problems

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Servant111

Guest
#1
#1
These last couple of days my husband and I have been fighting. We are newly weds and most of the time things are ok. But at the moment I'm struggling quite a bit. We had quite a big fight the other day and I hit him in the face. He hit me too. I feel so ashamed of what I have done. He doesn't want me to leave, but it doesn't take much to get heated with each other at the moment.

I know there are three sides to every story. My side, his side and the real side. I just feel so frustrated and angry especially when I find he is very stubborn. That is no excuse for hitting him, I know that. I really regret doing it. I just need some advice.
 
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Aqua_Girl09

Guest
#2
#2
IDk if you guys go to a church but i'd suggest sitting down with a pastor or maybe get a marriage counselor so that you guys cause have a third party to help you guys talk about your problems and help you see if without feeling like everyone is against you.

arguments happen, its better when you hav other people who are seeing it from the outside to talk to but not just "your friend" who is going to take your side no matter what. you need some one who will tell you the truth. idk what kind of relationship you have with his mom but it might be a good idea to talk to her about it. (leave out the hitting part though, that might only cause drama)

good luck and God bless!!!
 
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Servant111

Guest
#3
#3
The complicated part of it is, I am a westerner living in Egypt. My husband is Egyptian (Coptic Christian). His family are nice to me now, but didn't originally approve of our marriage as I am protestant and he is orthodox.

This doesn't seem to be the problem between US, at least not on the surface. But in his culture he goes about things one way and I do things another way. I get very frustrated and I feel like he doesn't listen to me. He gets angry and feels like I"m trying to 'control' him and becomes very stubborn and refuses to listen.

I like your idea of going to a nutral person, but we are kind of split between orthodox and protestant. I don't think he would listen to a protestant pastor and I don't think an orthodox priest would help much as we weren't married in the orthodox church and I have a feeling they would pretty much say...I told you so...to my husband.

*sigh* Well perhaps they were right.

We both love each other a lot. But I don't know how to get what I need from him and I think he is kind of shocked at the difference between western women in marriage and Egyptian women in marriage.

I hope this is making sense.

I'm thinking about going to the pastor of the protestant church and getting his advice...He is both Egyptian and Christian and will hopefully have good insight. Perhaps if my husband doesn't come along I can always get some christian advice and some prayer.
 
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kenisyes

Guest
#4
#4
This is a really good idea. He can at least advise you about the cultural adaptations. Maybe your husband would come so he could agree or disagree with the pastor's ideas of Egyptian marriage?

I have noticed that every person comes equipped with a "marriage personality". Like they expect things to be a certain way after they are married. They seem to get this from their parents/culture, and are usually not even aware of it themselves until it starts happening. So they start changing in unexpected ways after they are married. Anyway, you both have in common that you are not supposed to leave each other, that God is a partner in the marriage, and I assume you both have in common that you are not supposed to hit each other, but that might be worth looking into. I assume you have discussed your different relationship with God thoroughly before getting married. At your age you are old enough to be able to sit down and discuss differing expectations, and that's a great plus.
 
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Servant111

Guest
#5
#5
thanks for the encouragement. I'm glad I decided to use this chat room. I believe the pastor the the protestant church is an Egyptian man married to a German woman so I believe he might have some good advice about inter-cultural marriage.

I think I married my husband way too quickly. We talked about a lot of things, but when you are discussing this stuff before marriage you tend to talk about the ideal situation, and of course we haven't got the ideal situation.

I would say on the most part we get along well. We have a lot in common and enjoy each others company. We share a similar idea on what we think is important in life. But it's the small things like...Egyptian women aren't bold and forward. They are shy and I don't know....not bold??? But they are kind of manipulative. I was once told by an Egyptian woman not to let my husband know exactly how I felt about him as this would allow me to have 'power' over him. I was shocked by this attitude. But Egyptian men tend to be "the boss" and jealous and my husband doesn't seem to want to listen when he is peeved off. In fact when he gets angry he kind of digs his toes in and becomes worse.

When we talked about our relationship with God before we got married we seemed to have the same ideas. My husband is Orthodox by ethnicity, but has a non-orthodox kind of attitude...if that makes sense. however he believes that the orthodox culture is important for christian in Egypt which is the majority Muslim.

I'll let you know how I go with the pastor from the protestant church.

BTW. Nobody is leaving...we will work this out. Just have to find a way
 
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Lucy68

Senior Member
#6
Jan 21, 2011
2,538
22
0
#6
I can't believe you two are hitting each other :(. Christians don't hit. You really need to work on that.

I do sympathize with your problem.....you each come from different cultures that have different views of how women behave. He's digging his heels in when it comes to disagreements because he was brought up to believe that wives don't argue with their husbands (and they definitely don't hit them). That's why women from his culture have learned manipulative ways to get what they want.

You have probably been brought up to be direct. I personally appreciate directness more than manipulation. I suggest being more patient with him and understanding of his culture. It's hard to live with these differences but he sounds like he might be open to discussing things with you if you don't lose your temper, which then offends his pride and he feels like he has to get mad too.

Talking to pastor will probably help...especially if his marriage is interracial as well.

Remember that all marriages go through adjustments. Be loving and patient with one another...and you may have to take the lead in that.

Praying for guidance and strength for you both :).
 
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chuinchoy

Guest
#7
#7
i believe there is going to be more incidence like this. Both of you were just recently married and already starting to fight. How do you expect your marriage to last a lifetime?

Both of you should have perform suitability tests to ascertain whether both of you are in same path. But now since it is no point crying over spill milk, i would suggest that both of you should seek counselling to help both of you to understand and appreciate what married life is all about.
 
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abair

Guest
#8
#8
he have no Excuse to hit you do not feel guilty he can stop you without hiting you
Violence doesnt solve in church
I think he is kind of shocked at the difference between western women in marriage and Egyptian women in marriage.
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he is educated i gess and for sure he know your nationality
your freedom not a secret he know the differece between wesrtern woman and arab woman
western can travel when ever she want and leave him but Egyptian woman cant without the husband permission
he can hit Egyptian woman without facing trouble "Domestic violence" is a family business no body alllowed to intervene
he can Locked up Egyptian woman in the house because in the court it is House of Obedience
Egyptian woman have no way to do things it is always the man way so of course he think been controled by you
Egyptian woman cant divorce him
western woman have her Embassy to help her
for sure he know the diffrences do not lie to your self
im worried about you im afraid you Stuck emotional and mental in controling Violence relationship
 
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Lucy68

Senior Member
#9
Jan 21, 2011
2,538
22
0
#9
One thing that you can do together (as you get spiritual counsel) is to seek help with anger and how to properly manage it and express it. If you can find a counselor for that it would be really helpful. Or just going through a book together may be of benefit to you.

Don't get too discouraged by your differences...build on your foundation of love and work on those issues that threaten that foundation. Try to find a common ground for the spiritual growth of your marriage. God will honor this :).

Praying for you....
 
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Servant111

Guest
#10
#10
Lucy68 said:
I can't believe you two are hitting each other :(. Christians don't hit. You really need to work on that.
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Thanks Lucy for pointing out that I need to work on my marriage and the issue of hitting. And believe it or not Christians do all manner of sins to each other, I'm not saying it's right, but I am a sinner and I will always be a sinner. However, as a Christian woman in a very difficult situation who has sinned, I am totally confessing ...seeking guidance and trying to improve myself and be better.

I don't believe it will continue this way, because I am determined to make it different.

Marriage is not perfect because we are not perfect.

PS. I'm not a quitter and I'm not a failure.
 
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Lucy68

Senior Member
#11
Jan 21, 2011
2,538
22
0
#11
Servant111 said:
Thanks Lucy for pointing out that I need to work on my marriage and the issue of hitting. And believe it or not Christians do all manner of sins to each other, I'm not saying it's right, but I am a sinner and I will always be a sinner. However, as a Christian woman in a very difficult situation who has sinned, I am totally confessing ...seeking guidance and trying to improve myself and be better.

I don't believe it will continue this way, because I am determined to make it different.

Marriage is not perfect because we are not perfect.

PS. I'm not a quitter and I'm not a failure.
Click to expand...

Sorry, I should have phrased that differently :(. I'm really trying to improve but it's hard.

We all have our places where improvement is needed and the most important thing is to recognize them :). I know God honors that desire.
 
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Shaije

Guest
#12
#12
Servant111 said:
These last couple of days my husband and I have been fighting. We are newly weds and most of the time things are ok. But at the moment I'm struggling quite a bit. We had quite a big fight the other day and I hit him in the face. He hit me too. I feel so ashamed of what I have done. He doesn't want me to leave, but it doesn't take much to get heated with each other at the moment.

I know there are three sides to every story. My side, his side and the real side. I just feel so frustrated and angry especially when I find he is very stubborn. That is no excuse for hitting him, I know that. I really regret doing it. I just need some advice.
Click to expand...
Hello, and let me comend you on sharing your faults. This shows you are willing to acknowledge your faults and not run away from or deny them.
This is a very good step. My advice to you is quite simple. "Would you hit Jesus in the face?.....No-way!..... right?" Pray to the Father and ask Him to let you see the face of Jesus when you look at ALL others. *When feelings of anger and frustration start, picture Jesus, and how you would treat Him* Jesus said, "whatever you do to the least of these, you have also done to Me." When we are kind and obedient in love to others, we are being obedient to CHRIST. When we are impatient, unforgiving, violent with others, we are in essence doing it to Jesus.......Sobering thought yah? Try it.......picture Him it works......trust me I know it does. But Don't just take my word for it......the KEY is to go to the foot of the Cross in prayer over it before the situation arises. Gods Speed to you and may the Good Lord heal your marriage
 
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shekaniah

Guest
#13
#13
I will pray for you and your husband,
may the Love of Jesus reign in your lives with the wisdom of God.
Love in Christ, Shekaniah
 
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intercessorginger

Guest
#14
#14
Dear Servant,
If you are getting physical with eachother and cannot control yourselves it sounds like there is a lot of anger that has to be dealt with in your relationship. I don't know what the root of the conflict is but as newly married this is exactly the opposit of what should be happening between you. I recommend Pastoral Counseling and prayer to get things straight between the two of you.
 
Matt

Matt

Junior Member
#15
Oct 21, 2011
23
1
3
#15
Hello servant111,

You need to get real and seek professional counseling regarding your relationship.

Seeking advice from forums can be counterproductive to your situation.

The generic and unqualified opinions offered here will most likely not be beneficial and may in fact be counterproductive to the healing process desired between you and your husband.

Hope all works out in you relationship (seek professional guidance),

Matt
 
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