Inter-generational oppression

[RickyZ]

At the age of 53, my little brother still lives with and off mom and dad(late 80's). He pays no rent, no utilities, and does no chores. Mom does his laundry and cooking, dad does his dishes. He's rude, disrespectful, and mentally/emotionally/spiritually abusive (there's non better).

I would drive 45 miles one way at least once or twice a week to see them. I would shop, cook, clean and fix or get anything they needed. Of course, everything I did was subject to the inspection and approval of lord M, when he rolled out of bed at 5 PM. And of course he never approved, because according to him I was only doing it to make him look bad.

'Bout a year and a half ago he challenged me, got in my face, said they didn't need me there, and slammed the door on me. I broke it down and after the ensuing fight, I gave my folks an ultimatum. Either enforce some discipline on him, make him leave when I visit, or I'm not going to visit anymore. Their response was to agree with everything I said about the situation, but that I could either learn to kneel and kiss the little lord's arse like they did or I could stay the heck away.

So I've been staying the heck away. And evidently my presence isn't being missed.

My prayers about this have been answered with the word that it will require the intervention of the first born son to break this oppression, who also acknowleges the situation, but his attitude is you're not gong to change them and he can't see it from his house. He's not saved, but laughingly enough all the other actors are, or claim to be.

Prayers are appreciated, advice just as much.

 

[RickShafer]

He sounds like he never grew up.
Like some butterflies who can't fly.
He needs responsibility.
He lashes out because he sees it in you.

A good start would be his doing his own chores.
By treating him like a 6th grader they are enabling him.
Sounds like he might have a substance abuse problem also. (Just the M.O)
Don't separate yourself from them.

 

[kenisyes]

Parents often have a reason for allowing this kind of thing. They might feel guilty how they raised him. Probably something you were in school when it happened, or some such thing and so do not remember. You are doing all you can by staying out of it, and of course praying for the situation. If you feel you need to see your parents, do what you have to do (especially when they get near death), but if you are not missed, I see no reason for you to be the victim of their decision.

 

[Lucy68]

I know it must hurt to see the situation that your parents are living in but can you really do anything if it is what they choose? Could they come visit you?

 

[RickyZ]

They can't drive... or shouldn't.

 

[RedTent]

It is a situation you can do absolutely nothing about. You did the best you could to help them, even denying yourself visits with your parents, and it didn’t work. You are free.

Now, you can live your own life clear of the situation. If you didn’t have this brother to put up with, how would that be? I’ll bet you are a person who would visit and help your parents.

So, let him live his life and let your parents live the life they have chosen Do smile at your brother, let him live the life without God he chooses, and be thankful you can be you, that God is with you. God knows the situation. God is letting them choose, you must also.

 

[shekaniah]

Payers sent for you and your family

 

[shawntc]

The only thing I'm concerned about is if they don't want to change the situation because he's somehow gotten in control of them and perhaps they're afraid of what he might say/do. I don't say this to worry you, but it's a possibility.

 

[RickyZ]

He has threatened to do something if they cross him, the whole family has talked about that openly and warned him to quit. I say hand him the largest knife in the house and tell him to stop wasting our time.

There is another issue to it, a generational spirit. When he challenged me it was wrapped around him like a winter coat, and the one time my mother tried to support me it rose up out of my dad to put her down hard. I pray against it but it's not going to go away on my account. It will require the partnership and authority of the first born son, but like I said he's useless and doesn't care. Until I crack that nut I just can't be in the environment.

Thank you all for the advice and prayers. You're great.

 

[kenisyes]

I like your attitude. It's up to your parents to choose deliverance from that generational spirit, the police, or nothing. Staying away is the best thing you can do, as it will be one more step in forcing them to make their own choice.

 

[shekaniah]

He has threatened to do something if they cross him, the whole family has talked about that openly and warned him to quit. I say hand him the largest knife in the house and tell him to stop wasting our time.

There is another issue to it, a generational spirit. When he challenged me it was wrapped around him like a winter coat, and the one time my mother tried to support me it rose up out of my dad to put her down hard. I pray against it but it's not going to go away on my account. It will require the partnership and authority of the first born son, but like I said he's useless and doesn't care. Until I crack that nut I just can't be in the environment.

Thank you all for the advice and prayers. You're great.

There is a protection agency for seniors in most states.
Case workers from these agencies conduct investigations and work with older adults in resolving abusive situations. ... contact the Senior HelpLine.
You can call and report your brother, and they will step in for you.
My youngest brother was removed from my parents home.
He was placed in temporary housing, and now he has his own place.
I will be praying for you all.
God Bless, Shekaniah

 

[intercessorginger]

Hi Ricky..
You're not alone in having "knuckle head" family members. I do agree with a report being sent in to Adult Protective Services in order to help your parents. Otherwise, my opinion is that you have already made your feelings known to all, and they have refused to act upon them. The word says The servant of the Lord, must not strive 2Ti 2:24 but the situation is full of strife for you.
Sometimes you can help people beter from "afar" then close up. Make a quality decision to pray for your family every day. Then go and live your life free and be happy! God cares for you!
the servant of the Lord must not strive; but be gentle unto all men, apt to teach, patient,

 

[RickyZ]

I have talked to protective services people, the problem isn't they're being forced to submit to him, but that they choose to submit. As long as they're of 'sound mind' that's not illegal. That is the one avenue my brother will still take, to have them declared unfit, but the lawyer he talked to about it says they're not that far gone yet. So yeah, all I have left is to pray from afar for the nuckleheads.

Thanks you all.

 

[violakat]

Did you provide documentation of the abuse going on, and record his threats, to provide to protective services. Because quite honestly, a lot won't step in, if parents are of sound mind, unless they have the proof needed.

 

[RickyZ]

Last November my 88 year old mother fell and broke her hip while doing her 54 year old son's dishes. The wife and I have put aside somewhat our issue with them (mom and dad) to visit her (she's been in a rehab facility since the surgery). Every time we go down there they lay a guilt trip on me about how they need 'someone to cook for dad once or twice a week' like I had been doing, saying it's not right that he eat takeout every single night. Last weekend I took them a batch of homemade spaghetti sauce. My dad turned it down, saying they hadn't eaten the last thing I made for them 5 weeks ago. It's still sitting in the freezer.

Can someone give me a reason as to why I should ever do anything for those ungrateful people again?

 

[RedTent]

Last November my 88 year old mother fell and broke her hip while doing her 54 year old son's dishes. The wife and I have put aside somewhat our issue with them (mom and dad) to visit her (she's been in a rehab facility since the surgery). Every time we go down there they lay a guilt trip on me about how they need 'someone to cook for dad once or twice a week' like I had been doing, saying it's not right that he eat takeout every single night. Last weekend I took them a batch of homemade spaghetti sauce. My dad turned it down, saying they hadn't eaten the last thing I made for them 5 weeks ago. It's still sitting in the freezer.

Can someone give me a reason as to why I should ever do anything for those ungrateful people again?

The reason is that God used them to give you life and if they hadn't done that for you, you wouldn't be alive.

You know what it is like to be you and live your life, can you imagine what it is like to be you, and live in a body, and with a mind that is 88, with all it's limitations?

You lived in a body that wasn't even capable of going to the bathroom for a whole year, to say nothing of cooking and cleaning, and they didn't say a word to you about it, they just changed your diapers and fed you.

 

[thecreationtutor]

I would pray that the Holy Spirit would convince and convict your parents of their sin. That they would see it as an offense to who God is, that He would grant them repentance - same with your brother

 

[JesusLives]

Prayer really works - I will give you an example. I grew up with 2 other girls that were sisters and we grew up and were adults living our lives. The youngest one had some drug issues and not following God. I started praying because I wanted to be a witness to her but not sure how to go about it. She ended up breaking up with her boyfriend and needed a place to stay so she and her son came and lived with me for about three months so she could get on her feet. I tried to show her God's love while she lived with me.

Toward the end of three months she started bringing a man around the house and I did not like the influence that it might have on my daughter so again I prayed to God and without me having to say a word she left. To me it was an interesting fact that my prayers had brought her into the house and prayers took her out of the house. I wish I could tell you that she ended up accepting the Lord and her life turned around, but in fact a few years ago she took her own life. But I tried to love her and show her a better way. Each person has a power of choice. Just keep loving them all not as a door mat but the way Jesus loves them for their salvation. Pray, Pray, Pray the Lord is faithful and He can move mountains if we have faith in Him.

 

[AgeofKnowledge]

This is a classic case of codependency between parents and a particular child.

Due to the nature of what codependency is, it's not surprising they want to extend their dysfunctional codependent behavior to others close to them (e.g. RickyZ in this case).

Though we've had our theological disagreements Rickyz, let's set them aside and deal with the problem and resulting pain that you are experiencing so you can in a healthy manner properly address this problem as best as possible.

I confess that I'm one of those people who attends Christian self-help support groups when problems arise in my life and ALWAYS I am greatly aided as a result of doing so.

A number of Christian self-help groups across the country exist for the problem of codependency. These groups are for people struggling with codependency themselves and also for people struggling with the codependency of others as you are experiencing Rickyz. I've found the people in the codependency groups to be of a high caliber.

My advice is for you to join one of these Christian self-help groups near you. The reason I suggest this is because you will learn a great deal especially in the area of bringing about change to a codependent situation over time.

As you probably already know, codependency comes in many forms though they are all similar. Codependent people are like parasites and hosts. They each use the other to get something for themselves. Often a manipulation of one party for material goods and services correlates to emotional and mental criteria for the other party.

Such relationships are not healthy, because neither party is willing to be truthful or right about what is occurring, and both parties are selfishly clinging to whatever it is they are getting (money, sex, friendship, admiration, power, sense of being a good parent, etc... the options are nearly endless).

The Biblical model, as you already know, is Christian interdependence with each other to and in the body of Christ. We are supposed to love one another, eschew selfish ambition, and exercise the gifts of God for the benefit of others (John 13:34-35; Romans 12:3-6; Philippians 2:3-4). This is diametrically opposed to the selfishness, dishonesty, and destructiveness of codependency.

Associated with codependency is enabling which is defined as reacting to a person in such a way as to shield him/her from the full impact of the harmful consequences of his/her behavior. Your parents are obviously enabling your brother. Enabling behavior differs from helping in that it permits or allows the person to be irresponsible, when truly helping them would encourage increased acceptance or personal responsibility.

Peace and God bless you Rickyz. Someday I'll help you get your theology straightened out... lol, but until then I suppose I'll just help you get some peace in your family. Check out a group near you. Peace!

 

[RickyZ]

Thank you all, you are all so wise. That's why I come here, you guys keep me on the straight and narrow!

Age, I didn't think we disagreed that much. You're just one domino away from seeing the truth as thru my eyes And thank you so much for the well wishes and prayers, they did indeed lift me.

But I fear, alas, the situation is much more dire than just codependence. That household has been given over to satan, lock stock and barrel. I know, I saw the same demon wrapped around both my dad and my little brother (at different times). They claim to be saved, I believe them to be, but the oppression around them is deadly. I pray about it, honestly I think God is telling me the answer lies in the first born son (my older brother), but he's pretty useless. Can't see it from his house is his position, even tho he totally agrees with me. Maybe you can pray with me over him.

My wife and I do see someone both together and seperately, you're right it is a great help even if there is no crisis. Preventive medicine - that's covered 100% under Obamneycare, right?