Problems in the marriage

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HEstolemyheart

Guest
#1
#1
Ok. Long story short...

My husband and I had problems in the past with how he was interacting with a lady friend on a social media site.
After a short time of prayer, we began marital counseling, where we discussed what was appropriate interaction and where to draw the line with "friendships" both online and off. This was 2 years ago. We haven't had any problems since then.

I recently discovered a secret email account of my husbands, included were several email interactions between him and another man... quite inapproriate emails...

I'm not sure how to even approach this with him. I've been praying about it for the whole week since I've found out.... I am torn. I feel like, especially since we've been through all this counseling and had made things very clear, set our boundaries. I believe that any sexual interaction, even if it's just talking sexually online, is adultery. He knows, and agrees with this.

Part of me wants to call it quits and get a divorce, Part of me feels like this is just something I have to deal with, because this is the man I married, for thick and thin. All of me is very tired of all the secrets, lies, and betrayal.

Advice...

Please, and I mean no offense or to come off sounding rude, but, no commenting on whether or not what he is doing is wrong or right, or that i'm overreacting... none of that matters due to the fact that he already knew where we draw the line, how I feel about all this and ect... it doesn't change how I feel or make the hurt any less.

What i'm really looking for is where to go from here...
 
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Marzia

Guest
#2
#2
I think you should not check all the privacy of your husband including email or short messages of his mobile phone. You can not be a god for him. You have to show your trust and respect to him. You can see other positive sides of him. and give thanks to the Lord of that things. Just focus on what God can do to you and your husband. Divorce is not a best way.
I really understand how you feel... Life is too short...so enjoy it ...cos God is in control.

I will pray for you dear.. Keep praying...Prayer changes things....God bless you.
 
K

kenisyes

Guest
#3
#3
If the e-mails are in the two year time span, you need to confront him. My problem is that he already agreed to certain boundaries at that point, and if he is not respect them now, then why should he respect the online sexual dialog boundary he says he agrees with.

Marzia, I would normally agree with you, because the Bible says don't judge. But it also says you can always "go to your brother". One of my wife's best friends was a woman who had only so much evidence against her husband as you have now. My wife would never sleep overnight at their house, because she felt something was wrong. Anyway, several years went by, and ultimately the husband had to be jailed for various sexual crimes, and the woman had to get a divorce and protective orders, just to survive. In fact, it turns out he was regularly sexually molesting members of the family the whole time they were married. HEstolemyheart, I'm certainly not saying this is what you have going on, but I'm saying I have seen personally how bad it can get. You'd be better off staying proactive. If you should need to protect yourself, stay ahead of it, so you don't have to run and hide like my wife's friend ultimately did.
 
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surrenderedheart

Guest
#4
#4
I would confront him and ask him to come clean about what has been going on and what else he may be hiding from you. I would continue to check his email account, cell phone, and any other source of communication he has. He broke the trust and it may be a great source of information until he decides to come clean and tell all.
May God bless you and give you wisdom and peace.
 
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Ugly

Guest
#5
#5
Marzia said:
I think you should not check all the privacy of your husband including email or short messages of his mobile phone. You can not be a god for him. You have to show your trust and respect to him. You can see other positive sides of him. and give thanks to the Lord of that things. Just focus on what God can do to you and your husband. Divorce is not a best way.
I really understand how you feel... Life is too short...so enjoy it ...cos God is in control.

I will pray for you dear.. Keep praying...Prayer changes things....God bless you.
Click to expand...
I disagree.
First of all we don't know how she came across this email. She didn't say if she stumbled on it or went looking for it.
Either way, she found it and has discovered what she considers adultery. To say that she cannot 'be god' for him by catching him in deceit makes no sense. Shes not playing God, she's looking out for her marriage. This man is the spiritual head of the household, this man knows the accepted boundaries of what she finds appropriate and he's breaking their marriage covenant by his actions. This affects HER. Its not playing God to protect yourself and your marriage.

To the OP. I'd gather up plenty of 'evidence'. Maybe print out these emails and confront him with them. What concerns me most is not so much the adultery aspect, which is bad enough, but that now he's also dipping into homosexuality. While i won't straight out suggest divorce at this point, i would recommend keeping it open. Chances are he has more going on than just emails.
 
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HEstolemyheart

Guest
#6
#6
Thank you for your responses.

I did, indeed, happen to stumble upon the email. Part of the "agreement" we came to in our original counseling was that we both share all of our online accounts (social sites, email, ect), cell phones and passwords in attempt to hold each other accountable. I was searching for an email to pay one of our bills, and I stumbled across an email stating that he had created another email account, two weeks prior, so there was plenty of time for him to tell me about this account and share the password as formerly agreed upon.

I could forgive him, go through more counseling and try to salvage the marriage. But he is getting secretive and hiding things. If he were dealing with thoughts of homosexuality, I would be understanding, and stand beside him through whatever he decided. But is he not, in fact, diminishing my role as his wife by not coming to me with these issues for support? I can deal with a lot of things, but when is enough, enough?
 
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Tearose84

Guest
#7
#7
Regardless of how it happened I think you two should every once in awhile have a "checking in talk". Honesty, trust..all that. Issues should be talked about. It's ok to ask him "hey, how are you doing on these things?" every once in awhile. keep the communication going because it is easy for him to fall back into the sexual sin. Open communication is a must as is accountability. I have full access to my husband's facebook and email.
 
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canole1983

Guest
#8
#8
You should definitely talk to your husband about this. I know first hand that situations that don't get discussed jut keep getting worse. And of course keep praying and stay close to God. I hope y'all are able to work through this.
 
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Missfoxieloxie

Guest
#9
#9
I pray that God gives you the strength to discuss this with him. Are you still seeing a therapist?
 
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bobo

Guest
#10
#10
I am so sorry for your hurting i personally feel the devil is responsible for alot that goes on and temptation through porn sites ect is his way of trying to brake relationships up. I have the same problem with my fella although he thinks i dont know it he is always looking at porn on the internet it hurts me so badly and makes me down about myself but i know hes weak with the temptation the devil is putting his way and i know hes a good man and i also know hes my life so i just relax and pray to God as he will always look after his children and with him all can be resolved have faith and ask God for help with this matter would be my advice to you God Bless xxx
 
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Stephen

Guest
#11
#11
I am praying for you and your husband. Marriage is not easy and when we enter into it we may have no idea what sins our mate is struggling with and will struggle with in the future. For certain though is that we all have sinned and fall short.
I would encourage you to pray for him and be a partner with him in his fight. The adversary would love for you to file for divorce and end the marriage. I'm sure if you were struggling with a sin you would want him to stand by you as a soldier in Christ.
Definately call him out as he needs to be held accountable but also pray for him and with him about this.
 
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Felicity

Guest
#12
#12
Sometimes we are not struggling with people .......the bible says that we do not battle against "FLESH AND BLOOD"......though it is hard to do, it can be helpful to understand who the REAL ENEMY IS....so that we will be able to fight the fight on a spiritual level? Luke 10:19 says we have authority over the "enemy" and we do need to use it! It is written : "my people perish for lack of knowledge"!
 
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BarlyGurl

Guest
#13
#13
HEstolemyheart said:
Thank you for your responses.

I did, indeed, happen to stumble upon the email. Part of the "agreement" we came to in our original counseling was that we both share all of our online accounts (social sites, email, ect), cell phones and passwords in attempt to hold each other accountable. I was searching for an email to pay one of our bills, and I stumbled across an email stating that he had created another email account, two weeks prior, so there was plenty of time for him to tell me about this account and share the password as formerly agreed upon.

I could forgive him, go through more counseling and try to salvage the marriage. But he is getting secretive and hiding things. If he were dealing with thoughts of homosexuality, I would be understanding, and stand beside him through whatever he decided. But is he not, in fact, diminishing my role as his wife by not coming to me with these issues for support? I can deal with a lot of things, but when is enough, enough?
Click to expand...
YOu are quite welcome to email me privately... I have considerable experience in this area of of concern you are having. IN short... only you can decide exactly what course of action you CHOOSE to take but as you have already pointed out...he is being secretive and has been for a long time.
That said... I would recommend you reread that statement OVER AND OVER until it really sinks in. That KNOWLEDGE is a form of revelation to you... and I am pretty confident... only the tip of the iceberg. Praying for HIS strength, wisdom and PEACE for you.
I would recommend you begin gathering evidence... but not so that you can confront him... rather to protect yourself.

 
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_Ragdoll_

Guest
#14
#14
Dear sister in Christ,

My advice is to read the story of Hosea and Gomer, and pray that God will lead you in which direction to take. If you are not in any danger physically, and your children are safe and happy, then consider staying unless God leads you to leave, I urge you to protect yourself sexually if you think he is cheating (protect yourself from possible stds), get tested, and pray for your husband, yourself, your marriage...
 
dragon42531

dragon42531

Banned
#15
Jul 16, 2012
14
0
0
#15
I agree with most of what "Ugly" has said. There may be more going on than E-Mails.
I'm not 'old' but my little bit of experience with marriage is sometimes things don't work out.
If this is the second time he has had inappropriate communication with someone, it won't seen be the last I think.
You mention 'sticking it out'.
Think about how much this is bothering you now, do you really want to live in denial?
What if you have children, do you really want them growing up in a household where you have a secret like this?
A few people mention 'checking in' and such. Do you really want to live your life having to worry about these things?
Ok, maybe we all worry a little, but the fact is you know its happened before, and now again, and secretly this time.

I can't speak much about what god wants you to do, _Ragdoll_ says stick it out till god tells you otherwise.
I say maybe your discovery is a message from god?

I hope all this makes some sense. Best wishes.
 
Shilo

Shilo

Senior Member
#16
Aug 31, 2011
1,974
102
63
#16
Praying the Lord give you an answer. In Yeshua's name amen
 
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shekaniah

Guest
#17
#17
Prayers sent in the love of Jesus,
My heart aches for you and your family.
(Sounds like he needs an accountability partener...another Christian man to talk to.)
 
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Knightj33

Guest
#18
#18
You are right to not accuse him but I do suggest you go to your husband and let him know what you have found and how hurt you feel about it all. I myself have had to deal with a very similar situation and preyed for god to guide me through. I prey that the lord calm your fears and guide you as he did me I also prey that he give you the strength to do what is right for you and your family.
 
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