Oh Oh - Found a note...

Struggling with how to deal with learning that my wife has a thing for another guy - much younger, also married. No affair, but she has admitted to the infatuation and was ready to let the guy know when I found out. She says it is now in the past, but she altered behavior and schedules before I found out to meet him where he works and she volunteers, and has managed to bump into him even after I found out and she said she was not pursuing her feelings. She says there are no more feelings and that she has put up emotional defenses to keep it from happening.

My insecurity and hurt are impacting our relationship, and my trust level is very low. We have been married a long time and this has shaken me and us. We have kids who love the Lord. She loves the Lord. We have been faithful to each other in our marriage to the best of my knowledge. I have no idea if this guy feels anything towards her. Speculative.

Women / wives, in particular, am I overreacting?

[carpetmanswife]

Id say no , your not overreacting. Id be upset as well... but unfortunately there is nothing you can do about this , its completely up to her . She has to admit it..and stop it ..period. my heart goes out to you

Thanks, Carpetmanswife. I appreciate the forthright counsel. Looks like you have summed it up - nobody has anything to add. God bless!

[nanabean]

Hi, I just seen this for the first time, I will add my prayers as well. I can't imagine how this makes you feel, but I do know forgiving can be hard in these types of situations. Trust is MAJOR in a marriage. My best advice, I guess, is take it one day, one step at a time. Pray alot and talk, talk, talk with your wife. Not aobut this situation all the time, thats not what I mean, but just keep the comunication open and honest and spend TIME together as much as possible. It does help!!! My heart and prayers are with you......God Bless.

I'm so sorry, I know how hurtful of a situation you are in. The paranoia, the distrust, the fear, the sadness...it's overwhelming. But you have to understand, you've been married a long time, and no matter how much she loves you, chemical attraction and the passion of newness can be a powerful thing. Just because she's attracted to another man, doesn't mean she loves you any less at all. Sometimes we can't help how we feel, but we can help what we do about it. If she is honestly trying to put up emotional blocks (which is VERY hard when those hormones are raging, and the scent of something new and fresh is dangled in front of us) then she needs your support, not your distrust (which is going to be even harder for you than her abstaining from her lusts is going to be). Be sure to talk to her, sometimes all it takes is telling them how you feel, and hearing them tell you it's going to be okay. It's much better than carrying around the fear, and hurt.

Also, bring it to God, together. Pray together. Do something like a covenant card, where you each write out promises to one another and sign it over a romantic dinner. Or if you really want to, renew your vows to remind each other of what you promised on the day of your wedding. Something, or in this case, someone new may be thrilling and exciting, but reminding her of all that you two have shared, and the love you have for one another, should help strengthen her.

Don't be afraid. God will never give you more than you can handle, and He'll always be there for you. I'll definately say a prayer for you and yoru family.

[sweet_eyes]

sounds like you should seek counceling from your pastor or some 1 in your church. I don't think you are over reacting at all. Emotional infidelity is almost worse then physical affairs.

I strongly agree with sweet_eyes... seek spiritual and marital counseling (hopefully from the same person, a Pastor etc.) Its not enough for your wife to offer her defense and feelings, you need to be able to offer yours as they are equally valid. Relationships change, feelings come and go, but God's love is eternal and if you're both willing, He can see you through this issue and into a stronger marriage. God bless you! I will be praying for you and your family.

[carpetmanswife]

Originally Posted by gr8ful1

I strongly agree with sweet_eyes... seek spiritual and marital counseling (hopefully from the same person, a Pastor etc.) Its not enough for your wife to offer her defense and feelings, you need to be able to offer yours as they are equally valid. Relationships change, feelings come and go, but God's love is eternal and if you're both willing, He can see you through this issue and into a stronger marriage. God bless you! I will be praying for you and your family.

totally agree

[Sharp]

Tremelo, if I was you, I would move to another city. But I'm weird so don't take my advice. I would also track down the guy, and send him a strongly worded letter warning him to stay away.

Thanks to all for your very thoughtful and considerate comments and prayers – I really appreciate it! Let me try to respond to a bunch of input in one post:

I have sought counseling from the pastoral staff / trained counselors at our church, but it has not happened yet. After thinking initially that I could go it alone and that maybe my wife had put this in the past, now realize that both were foolish conclusions. It was my hope that we could both be spared the embarrassment of having this raised to another person, but it is clear that this just feeds into the devil’s plan – which is to keep this secret so that sin can continue to fester and take hold.

My wife will not go into counseling with me at this time. She will not pray with me, either, especially about this. She will talk, but not about this, anymore. At least not willingly. If I show any insecurity or want to talk about this, she feels I don’t trust her and have not forgiven her. She knows that this is wrong – but says it is all in her head, nothing really acted on and that she is embarrassed and God is working with her in her struggle. She has not drawn away from me during this time. In fact, we have both been spending more alone time together as we deal with this, and we have had more spiritual and Biblical discussions than we have had in a long time.

She has asked me what she could do to help me feel more secure and to convince me that I have nothing to fear. I have given her several thoughts, any one of which would help – stop volunteering at this place, take the kids out of this program (our kids are pre-teens), confide in a godly woman to whom she can be accountable and who will help her through this struggle, join me in marriage counseling, leave this place and move entirely. I have not demanded anything, but have told her plainly that if she does nothing to extract herself from the temptation that is obviously there, she should expect that it will take much longer for my trust to grow. She has rejected all of these at this point, though she may eventually agree to go into pastoral counseling.

In a couple of weeks, she will have the opportunity to see this man daily again. The verse that has been coming to mind over the past 3 months is “Satan has asked to sift you like wheat.” I believe that God is allowing this at this time for his purposes. The Accuser has been accusing my wife and me before the throne of God. For some reason, this is the time we have to deal with this. He exposed this right before she was going to take the next step. The timing was uncanny, and it has slowed the process down a bit, which has given me some time to try to understand what is going on, what I need to focus on personally to make myself a better husband and friend to her, and how I should be responding as we go through this. It is not enough time, though, and I do not have many answers. Nor have I been able to shake off the defensive and insecure tone in my voice from time to time, or refrain from some of the accusatory questions. It seems I must win her heart all over again. I have committed to do this, but every now and then pride and self-pity kicks in and I react in a way that further pushes her away - she has even told me that I need to be careful because my reactions will have the opposite affect than what I intend. It is a vicious cycle. Please be in prayer.

Call me a glutton for punishment, but in case anybody has new insights...

I do not think it is common for a spouse to learn that another spouse is infatuated with, but has not engaged in an affair with, another person. This is where I find myself. Nothing on the blogs or in discussions with people seems to hit the nail on the head with how to deal with the situation.

So, Autumn activities began in September. My wife has had the opportunity to pursue this guy again. She can see him daily if she likes. Fortunately, he does not seem interested. Unfortunately, she still is.

I keep finding clues that she is pursuing him (left the email open, handwritten draft notes left by the couch). She is not good at hiding her evidence. But he appears to be signalling to her that he is interested in his own wife. She is frustrated - she communicates her frustration to me without knowing how much I suspect about her intentions and how much I know about when she has run into him. She keeps trying to manufacture opportunities. Has found ways to share personal information and tried to engage him in common interests. One of my kids unwhittingly reports to me (no - I do not involve the children - they speak spontaneously about what they see without understanding what is going on). She is wildly moody with me - going from hot and intimate to disinterested, cold, critical and even cruel. She even displays her mood swings to the kids. It seems my only solution at this point is to watch this unfold, while bathing us all in prayer. Maybe she will give up. But the damage is significant to our relationship, because she continues to lie to me about her intentions and desires. How can trust be restored in this type of a situation, and what are the alternatives, when she is not engaged in physical infidelity but lies to me and feeds an infatuation - goes after another man?

At this point, it seems like a pointless infatuation of hers. But it interferes with our relationship. I have lost trust in her and am losing respect. What I used to see as a legitimate battle, I now see as her giving in completely to her temptation. It just isn't working for her. Although I am still madly in love with her - I have to admit that it is beginning to fade. I am moving from desparation gradually to indifference, but for our wonderful children. I am so hurt and disgusted by how little she cares for me personally, or even how this impacts our kids. She can only remark on how she would never destroy "what we have invested in this" and "what we have built together" and "the lifestyle we have" etc. Sounds like FlashForward (the television series). Maybe I am living it...

This sounds like what the bible is talking about in unrepentent sin. She is continually doing something she knows is wrong. Im curious when you will put your foot down and say enough is enough, maybe it will take her actually having sex with this man, before you stand up for your marriage. I would also go talk to this guy.. tell him to back off. You should not stand for this in your house. You should put up a fight, because it looks like your laying down and letting what happens......... happen.

[Sharp]

Tremelo if I were you I would print out this whole thread and give it to her. That way you wouldn't have to bring it up in conversation and she wouldn't refuse to talk to you about it.

I am not condoning the action of your wife. Seek counseling.

But, on a human level she has an emotional itch. It is hard to get inside the head of someone I have never met but, aside from praying and talking to a counselor, you might try putting the spark of friendship and romance in your relationship. It could allow you to take a proactive approach and seek positvive ways to fill an emotional void she might feel. I don't want to minimize the pain and trust issues that are bound to come up in this situation or the need for prayer. Nor do I want to minimize the compromising situation your wife is placing herself in and your family. But, by seeking to win her and recourt her, you might strenthen your relationship and come to an understanding of what is eating at your wife, other than temptaion.

[MyBagsRPacked]

emotional infidelity is the same as physical infidelity in God's eyes...

Originally Posted by sweet_eyes

sounds like you should seek counceling from your pastor or some 1 in your church. I don't think you are over reacting at all. Emotional infidelity is almost worse then physical affairs.

Originally Posted by Tremelo

So, Autumn activities began in September. My wife has had the opportunity to pursue this guy again. She can see him daily if she likes. Fortunately, he does not seem interested. Unfortunately, she still is.

I keep finding clues that she is pursuing him (left the email open, handwritten draft notes left by the couch). She is not good at hiding her evidence. But he appears to be signalling to her that he is interested in his own wife. She is frustrated - she communicates her frustration to me without knowing how much I suspect about her intentions and how much I know about when she has run into him. She keeps trying to manufacture opportunities. Has found ways to share personal information and tried to engage him in common interests. One of my kids unwhittingly reports to me (no - I do not involve the children - they speak spontaneously about what they see without understanding what is going on). ... How can trust be restored in this type of a situation, and what are the alternatives, when she is not engaged in physical infidelity but lies to me and feeds an infatuation - goes after another man?

How far are you going to let this go, man? It sounds like she's pretty well pursuing this guy. What if he gives in and becomes receptive to your wife's advances?

- Topher

We are still struggling. In fact, I have begun experiencing a deep anger and resentment that is manifesting itself in increasingly frequent verbal confrontations, some of which have been in front of the kids (without referencing "the" issue). She is now acting increasingly independent, less caring of me and even mean-spirited. She is also losing her temper more and has less thought for appearances. Yet, I think there is virtually no contact with this guy. In fact, I think that he has given her such a brush off that she is totally frustrated, which may be fueling her own anger. But, quite an unexpected blessing, she has finally agreed to get counseling together at our Church. So I will arrange it.

At the same time, God has suddenly and miraculously placed in my life a Christian man about my age who went through a strikingly similar situation with his wife out of an incident that he learned about 2 years ago. He confronted, went through an emotional pattern similar to what I am going through, and they are working things out. But I can see the pain in his eyes.

Since this is the ONLY place I have disclosed my issue, I attribute these two miraculous turns of events to your prayers. Thank you. I would say that we are at a very dangerous turning point in our relationship, and that these two things could not have come too soon!

I hear all of you who are saying I need to confront this more directly. In some ways I have, which is leading to more friction (which perhaps has played into her agreement - actually, a request - that we seek counseling together). I also hear you who are saying I need to woo her, which I have been trying to do through a number of ways. It gets shattered by the friction and flashpoints.

20 years of marriage is a long time. Lots invested. Hard to imagine not working this out. But this is very unpleasant, and I am not as longsuffering as I need to be or as thick skinned. I am less willing to be walked on than I was a year ago, and I think I need to understand the difference between being a doormat and bearing the Cross of Christ in this. Please continue your prayers. God will bring all things to light, for sure, and He is working in me through this as well.

Originally Posted by Tremelo

We are still struggling. In fact, I have begun experiencing a deep anger and resentment that is manifesting itself in increasingly frequent verbal confrontations, some of which have been in front of the kids (without referencing "the" issue). She is now acting increasingly independent, less caring of me and even mean-spirited. She is also losing her temper more and has less thought for appearances. Yet, I think there is virtually no contact with this guy. In fact, I think that he has given her such a brush off that she is totally frustrated, which may be fueling her own anger. But, quite an unexpected blessing, she has finally agreed to get counseling together at our Church. So I will arrange it.

At the same time, God has suddenly and miraculously placed in my life a Christian man about my age who went through a strikingly similar situation with his wife out of an incident that he learned about 2 years ago. He confronted, went through an emotional pattern similar to what I am going through, and they are working things out. But I can see the pain in his eyes.

Since this is the ONLY place I have disclosed my issue, I attribute these two miraculous turns of events to your prayers. Thank you. I would say that we are at a very dangerous turning point in our relationship, and that these two things could not have come too soon!

I hear all of you who are saying I need to confront this more directly. In some ways I have, which is leading to more friction (which perhaps has played into her agreement - actually, a request - that we seek counseling together). I also hear you who are saying I need to woo her, which I have been trying to do through a number of ways. It gets shattered by the friction and flashpoints.

20 years of marriage is a long time. Lots invested. Hard to imagine not working this out. But this is very unpleasant, and I am not as longsuffering as I need to be or as thick skinned. I am less willing to be walked on than I was a year ago, and I think I need to understand the difference between being a doormat and bearing the Cross of Christ in this. Please continue your prayers. God will bring all things to light, for sure, and He is working in me through this as well.

Praise God man! That's good news, that she's agreed to go to counseling and that you believe things are turning for the better. God is good!

- Topher

All I can tell you I am where you are in my marriage and I know the pain, the fear, the anxiety. I spend more time praying and chatting with God than any 10 people I know, yet the fears creep in like dark shadows in the night. I tried the 'wooing' part but then I am so torn, fear again, what if he has been with her? Do I really want to be with him if he has been with her? What if when we are intimate he is thinking of her or worse, calls her name? Yep, the fear is unbearable. The fear of him going to work (they work together) is crippling at times, my heart races, I feel that elephant sit on my chest, and in the midst of this is the huge box of emotions that are all complex in their own rite. The anger, how could he do this to me? The fear, what if he promoted her so he COULD work with her all of the time? The insecurity, what did I do to deserve this, where did I go wrong? If I were prettier, sexier, more intelligent etc. WOW, just the flashbacks of seeing them together in ANY situation is enough to set me in a spin. I pray, I cry, I hope, and things do seem to get a bit easier, but I suppose in answers that you and I seek, we have to ask the questions we probably DON'T want the answer to. Such as: Can I EVER trust this person again? Can I believe anything they say? Will I ever believe they truly love me and only me? And the dreaded..... if they did this once, will they do it again down the road with someone else? I so seriously pray you find the light, the freedom, the fairness that is eluding me at this time, and I too struggle with that FINE LINE between being 'right' in God's eyes and staying the course or, .... am I just making it easy for him to do this again, and again, appearing to be the 'ignorant' one because although my eyes are wide open, I choose to turn the other cheek and forgive. Forgetting is much harder, so much harder, and not a day goes by that I feel that sorrow turn more strongly to anger. On a good note, anger is MUCH easier to deal with!! I PRAY you find peace, I pray you find either the strength to stay or the strength to leave, whichever is right for you, because, at the end of the day, living in fear each day is surely NOT what God wants us to do now is it? Stay strong and I am around if you need to chat with someone that knows that lump in your throat, that knot in your stomach and where it all stems from. God bless you!!!

[DinoDillinger]

(Disclamer: I am not married, and a babe in Christ)

I'm very sorry to hear of your troubles. I know from past relationships that when we are worried about our mates fidelity, whether they have gone all the way. I'm not saying that isn't important but Jesus said that when you lust in your heart you already have commited adultery. So maybe realizing that she has already cheated on you could change your perseptive on worrying about her going all the way I dont know, I kinda doubt that makes you feel any better.

The situation makes me think of Paul's instructions on marriage, and God's covenant with us.
Ephesians 5:25
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her.

A marriage is a covenant, in the Old Testament, God often relates Him to His people as you would a marriage. We both know the idolatry commited by the wife in that relationship, God equates that to infidelity. It isn't limited to the jews in the O.T., we ourselves tend to put things in our mind before God and commit a sort of spiritual harlotry. Now if God had our nature, surely He would cast us away. We know He doesn't, that's part of what makes Him so awesome, when we would normally give up on a person, God endures with patience, He says, I will not leave thee, nor forsake thee.

God's grace is unmerited favor. You could look at this situation like I probably would and say woe is me, why is this happening, feeling so betrayed by one soo close. I think the way God intends us to look at these situations is to see an opportunity to glorify Him. He tells us to forgive as we have been forgiven. God tells us to repent, but we each can look back and see how God was patient with us while we lived in rebellion to Him, otherwise He would have just struck us down where we stood. God rewards those who put all their trust in Him. I don't know if that means healing your wife's heart at the moment, but I think it surely means you giving her grace, which means mercy when it is not deserved.

I would suggest getting in the word and staying there, it's times like these we see our need for power from on high to perserve. Maybe look back at examples of Isreal's harlotry and God's mercy.