Prayer for marriage

[Songbird_7]

Hey everyone,
I know every marriage has its challenges, but I feel like I can't take any more. We will be married 10 years this summer and it feels like it's been forever. My husband is a good man, a believer, and works really hard. But that seems to be the only thing that motivates him. He has no interest in spending time with others (including me, it seems), and we don't have any close friends. We have friends at church, but everyone is always so busy so it's hard getting together often. I stay at home with our 3 small boys and have some health issues (chronic fatigue/depression being the main problem). I feel so alone here, and also feel like since we've been married I have given up who I am. When I try to pursue my interest in art and music, I almost feel like he tries to discourage me. He's not very affectionate (he can be if he wants to be) or sympathetic. He's very much performance driven and has lots of expectations for me to do things. I'm not perfect, but I don't like that he makes me feel like a child, and he is the parent telling the child what to do. It wasn't this way before we had kids and I worked. Now that I am at home, it seems that our relationship has really changed. He gets angry easily and impatient. I am very social but don't get out much, and being at home is making me crazy. I've tried so hard to be happy, but I never please him no matter what I do. We've talked about this many times and fought about it. We had a really bad day today and he said if I'm not happy I should just leave. And I would if I had a place to go. I can't leave my kids. I wanted to get counseling again, but he said he doesn't want to because he feels ganged up on. I don't know how to make him understand that all I want is some affection from him, and to make me a priority now and then. He will bend over backwards for complete strangers, but doesn't keep his word to me. We rarely have a date night, and many times when we did he was in a bad mood and wouldn't even talk to me. I'm so frustrated and don't know who to talk to. I'm sure my pastor's wife gets tired of hearing about our problems. My husband was a Marine and was in Iraq twice. I have often wondered if he has ptsd or something. He seems unable to enjoy anything, is always stressed, and doesn't want to do anything fun with me. It's like life is drudgery. I don't want to imagine another 10, 20 years like this. Any advice or prayers are welcome.

 

[Tiger7F168]

I'll pray for you. My marriage is at the breaking point as well. I'm all in but my wife isn't so much (she has bipolar and depression). She no longer wants church or anything to do with God. I been married about 4.5 years w/ 1 girl and i see some of what you say in my marriage, me being the "bad guy" sometimes her being the not affectionate one, hanging out all the time not wanting to spend much time w/ me...etc. There is this book, 5 love languages. Also a website. Its very good I think to help marriages of all ranges. 5lovelanguages.com Just keep praying. The Lord will make a way.

 

[damombomb]

I pray the Lord will restore joy to you and your husbands marriage and the lords peace, in Jesus name

 

[Lucy68]

Being a stay-at-home mom is not easy! I think every marriage is the most stressed during the childrearing years. It is hard to stay home all day with the kids...though I think this is the best thing for a family. But you need to be able to have some other interests too...it's good for you and for your family.

I think the mom is the thermostat for the rest of the family...sorry that's probably not a popular thought. So you really need to take care of yourself too. I learned, though, that I couldn't really depend on my husband to help me with emotional support. He was really stressed with work so I tried not to put more stress on him at home. But where did that leave me? I sought support from other moms with children. And got busy with things that I felt I could contribute to...like teaching Sunday School, helping with our home school group. And most of all, communing with our Savior keeps us attuned to God's will for our lives.

Counseling is good in that an objective party can help open up communication lines. But remember that men and women are wired differently . We see things a lot differently. When we make the effort to understand the other's point-of-view, things really become more clear and the harmony of the household is restored. And that's a very important thing...maintaining the harmony of the household.

Marriage can be difficult but it can be the most rewarding thing in our lives because it will cause us to think about other people...our loved ones. You both have invested A LOT in your life together...it's worth not just preserving but improving. Instead of looking at ending you marriage, find ways of improving it. One thing I learned about my husband's needs was that he needed me to validate him...express my appreciation for what he did and who he was as a father and a husband. Men need this just as much as we women do. That was an eye-opener for me.

Praying for you....strength, guidance, wisdom...may the Spirit bring you two together again

 

[Tommy4Christ]

My prayer is that the both of you would come to Jesus broken in repentance seeking His great power over your depression and failing marriage. I do not know you or your husband, but is seems he has no desire to lead the family spiritually as he is suspost to do.
All the church will offer you and your family is a small bandage to cover a huge wound that cannot be healed until both of you come to real repentance and faith in Christ, yes you will loose alot, probealy your church, and more, but your main concern is to love God supremely, first and formost, get right with Him in repentance, and be a light unto your husband and family.
IF neither of you have truly crucified your flesh with Christ, then you will be spinning your wheels, looking inside for peace and answers, instead of to Christ who came to set you and your husband free from the corrupting influence of sin!
The flesh isnt a corrupt nature inside us, it a choice we make,and if the flesh isnt put to death in repentance first, then all the council in the world wont help, it may for a little while, but will come back to haunt you.
I know this may seem harsh, but Jesus paid a high price to set you free in reality, NOT in some false provision, you must come to Him now, seek His mercy and power, get right with Him, and stand firm against the lies of the devil trying to ruin your family and marriage, Jesus diddnt promise His followers a rosey path in life, unless you follow the likes of Joel Osteen, NO he promosed much anquish, and persecution to those who belong to Him!
A Call to Repentance
Joel,2-12 “Now, therefore,” says the LORD,
“Turn to Me with all your heart,
With fasting, with weeping, and with mourning.”
13 So rend your heart, and not your garments;
Return to the LORD your God,
For He is gracious and merciful,
Slow to anger, and of great kindness;
And He relents from doing harm.
14 Who knows if He will turn and relent,
And leave a blessing behind Him—
Here is more strong proof what the lord requires of His creation to be reconciled to Himself, it’s very simple but made so complicated by the heaps and heaps of pastors and ministries who have the nerve to say mankind does NOT have to repent to be saved.
They come with a simple plan that was concocted by many reformed preachers and bible scholars, making the way to the cross more of a simple confession you are a sinner, then accepting the great substitution Jesus miraculously made for them, but they fail to give any proof that the word of God let alone the King of Kings taught this non sense!
Many will fight with all they have to preserve their man made doctrines including original sin, which then gives them many excuses to ignore the powerful verse above as well as many more strong warnings to repent, turn, come broken in heart before the mercy seat, and hope and pray God will grant pardon!
Now if this was being preached in the church system today, and well understood by the saved in sin defenders, then the mess Christianity is in today would not be so, instead, the word of God would become real, and powerful, converting the lost soul, once in love with sin, rebellion and the world, now cleansed and purged of all filthiness, and wickedness, ready to receive the implanted word of God!
But today these verses are totally ignored, and replaced with a sin message, undermined by many, many, reformed errors, where simple repentance is lost in a sea of original sin, imputation, substitution, OSAS etc, producing a church that was called poor, blind and naked by Jesus Himself!
2 Corinthians 6;17 The.refore
“Come out from among them
And be separate, says the Lord.
Do not touch what is unclean,
And I will receive you.”[d]
18 “I will be a Father to you,
And you shall be My sons and daughters,
Says the LORD Almighty.”[e]
Act 26:20 But to those first in Damascus, and Jerusalem, and to all the country of Judea, and to the nations, I made known the command to repent and to turn to God, doing works worthy of repentance.
Tommy
PS. We must come to Jesus on His terms, not mans, I know many are taught the opposite today, they either were indoctrinated into these teachings at an early age, and refuse to even search the scriptures, search what the early church taught, or dig deep to see just how far off the mark many liberal translations of the Bible are.
When the reformation came about, around the year 1500, many denominations were formed that took these errors and built on them, leading to what we have today! Many will profess anything different from what their beloved denominations teach is heresy, and a lie, especially those who cling to Calvinism, or any form of it.
This I understand, and accept, as God predicted this would happen, when the few remnant come with the truth. But it’s a bitter pill to swallow, when you see so many sincere people, young and old, so angry and upset when the truth is presented to them, and they attack the messenger.
To me this shows just how far off the mark they are in their minds, they love the lie, refuse to hear anything else except the born sinner, Jesus sub plan, made so famous by the likes of Billy Graham, Ed Young, and many more mega preachers, selling a gospel that is totally backwards from what the early church and Christ taught.
Are we full of pride and arrogant to say these things? Are we evil, uncaring, and full of hate when we confront the wall of deception accepted as truth today?
I guess I can also say this about the many who cling to the saved IN sin message, repeat after me crowd, who has every excuse why they can sin with impunity, then just confess, and then continue as a vile sinner in heart, where purity and separation is a pipe dream never to be accomplished in this life, even though the whole council of God is against them.
Dig deep as commanded, have some confidence in the Lord to lead you into truth, not some ministry or church pastor you support, who clings to these errors for whatever reason.
The gospel according to godliness is a TO DO gospel, which can only be received and understood in its form and context when the sinner wakes up and does this:
James 1-21-22;
21 So get rid of all uncleanness(repent) and the rampant outgrowth of wickedness, and in a humble (gentle, modest) spirit receive and welcome the Word which implanted and rooted [in your hearts] contains the power to save your souls.
22 But be doers of the Word [obey the message], and not merely listeners to it, betraying yourselves [into deception by reasoning contrary to the Truth].!
1, You repent first and foremost, see 2 Corinthians 7-10-11.
2, Then if the repentance is real, and from the heart, godly sorrow as described in 2 Corinthians, you then can receive the implanted word of God, and understand it as written by God.
3, Now you become a passionate doer of the word, obeying God from your heart, cleansed and purified, broken and willing to learn and grow more, and more in His great truth.

 

[Songbird_7]

Thanks for the prayers and encouragement. I am blessed with a wonderful pastor and church family where the truth is taught. I've been in many churches in my lifetime, and this is the first one that I feel is the closest to a New Testament church. Our pastor and his wife are like family to us, and I have leaned on them many times during the ups and downs of my marriage. I do pour my heart out to God and seek His will for me and my family. Divorce is not an option for me, however, I grew up in a very emotionally abusive home with a mother who sat there in silence allowing the abuse because she thought she had to be "submissive" to her husband. My brothers and I have serious emotional issues now because of it. I have forgiven my dad for my horrible childhood, and he passed away 2 years ago. But I still bear wounds, and those wounds don't heal overnight. I'm very much aware of my faults, and I take them to God. I've asked for His forgiveness and guidance. Living with an angry man has caused so much stress in my life. That is where chronic fatigue and depression come from. I have suffered with many physical ailments in the past 6 years, and have come to realize that they are stress induced. I see the affect it has on my 3 sons. Today my 5 year old told me he had a bad day because dad was mean. He loses his patience with them until he's out of control. He expects them to do whatever he says instantly. I believe in discipline, but it needs to be done in love not anger. And you can't yell at kids for every move they make. I'm afraid he's going to crush their spirits like mine was, and that when they get older they will rebel and turn from the Christian faith. Maybe I'm overreacting because of my own childhood, but I refuse to allow emotional abuse and anger to rule our home. I know there's nothing I can do to change him. Only God can work in him. I just want his eyes to be opened so that he can see how he is making us feel. I don't know how much more I can handle. Tiger, sorry to hear that you are having problems, too. I have read the 5 Love Languages, and we know what each other's are but it hasn't helped us much. I just feel like he doesn't care. I tell him how I feel and how much he hurts me, and sometimes he will apologize, but other times he just closes up more inside. He spends a lot of time in the basement and doesn't really pay much attention to me. Most nights he falls asleep on the couch and I'm alone. I just feel like we're roommates and I always thought my husband would be my friend. We have so little in common. So. I don't know what to do. I'm on the worship team at my church and had to sing today. I really didn't want to be there, but I'm glad I went. I try to focus on praising God and trusting that He has a plan for us, and that this is a dark time in our lives but He is working. He does everything for His glory and for the ultimate good. I know that, it is just hard going through this.

 

[Lucy68]

Yes, it is awful to live in a household with someone who is always mad . It's like walking on eggshells all the time...not knowing what's going to set them off. Especially for the children who can't read the signs of an approaching episode.

Has he totally rejected the counseling suggestion? He does seem to have anger issues. I don't think you're being overly sensitive because of your own background. Everyone deserves respect and courtesy, especially in the home.

My husband went through a spell of similar behavior when he had just started a new job and the kids were little, which probably fueled his frustration. But he changed for the better....I don't really know why but I'm sure glad he did. I think he began to see what kind of person he was becoming. I remember when my son was 3 yrs old and not getting potty trained very quickly...one evening my husband had backed him up in a corner yelling at him; my husbands hands were clenched and his eyes were blazing...he was in a rage. Talk about the mama-tiger surfacing ; I grabbed my son and sat in a chair with him with my arms tightly wrapped around him and told my husband off. Essentially that under no certain terms was he going to terrorize our son. He wasn't too happy about that but my son's protection came first. That was the worst episode we had. But one thing became clear to me...if I had to choose between my children's safety and well-being or my husband's childish and irrational behavior, I would choose my children. Thank God it didn't come to that. I also think he saw that I wouldn't put up with him acting like that.

That's wonderful that you have a good church to attend. It will get you through a lot. Does your husband attend with you? My husband eventually started coming to church with us and I know hearing God's Word preached and the worship music really helped him get through his 'time of frustration'. He eventually became a very pleasant person to be around...but he's never been one to talk about his thoughts or feelings.

Living with an angry person is very draining and miserable and makes everyone live under an oppression of fear and anxiety. It doesn't have to be like this though. You may want to keep suggesting that he seek help for his anger or at least talk to you about it. Many men cannot verbalize what's bothering them and the frustration just comes out in anger. If you can remain calm, rational, and to a certain extent, emotionally detached, he may respond better. I know it's hard to remain calm when you're already feeling hurt and angry yourself. That is why a third party can really help. Does your pastor do counseling? You said your husband would feel 'ganged up on' but once he goes I think he would see that the pastor is reasonable and sympathetic (if he's a mature Christian man and you seem to think he is).

Sometimes a spouse needs to point out what's going on and stand up for the health of the family. It's ok to say 'your behavior is harming our family and our relationship....something needs to change, or else'. That 'or else' can mean living apart for awhile and going through counseling together. That way, you're protecting your children and working on repairing the relationship with your husband at the same time. We don't have to be doormats for our husbands; that isn't what 'submissive' means. Dr. Dobson (Focus on the Family) has resources for repairing relationships and I especially like his book "Tough Love".

Sorry this is so long....my own memories started coming back . Not very pleasant ones. But be encouraged! Things change, people change, and it's mostly due to the work of the Holy Spirit. Of course, we have to cooperate with Him, and that's not always easy.

Praying for your husband...that his eyes and ears are open to the Spirit's leading and that he becomes willing to change. Praying for you and your children, that your own self-esteem will be protected and that the love of Christ will lift you up .

 

[Songbird_7]

Thank you Lucy. It's always great to hear from someone who has been there. We have gotten counseling from our pastor, but I think he is just too close to us. My husband felt that the pastor had more to say to him than he did to me, and that it was unfair (because he fails to see his own problems and projects everything onto me). I already know my own issues and I've been trying so hard to work on them and to let God work in me (which He has....I used to be extremely introverted, and now I'm singing in front of everyone in my church, and speaking in front of them which is not something I would have done for a million bucks before!). My husband does go to church and is actually a deacon. I have seen great potential in him, and I know this is just the enemy trying to rip us apart so that God can't use us. I KNOW that, but it is still so very hard because I can see what's going on but he can't. I keep praying for God to open his eyes. I can't seem to make him see what he is doing to us. My dad had an explosive temper and anything would set him off, something as small as how I looked at him. There is no predicting what is going to set off the anger. Our middle son is very strong willed and very difficult. I saw my dad's temper come out in me in dealing with him. I've since reigned myself in with God's help. We also had a hard time with potty training and it got to the point where he was being punished every time he went in his pants. It was terrible. I finally approached my husband after reading a potty training book and told him that this was wrong. I told him to back off, and literally the next day my son started going potty on his own. He was just stressed out!! And that is what's happening to me. He just has expectations, and when those expectations aren't met he feels that it's a personal affront, that I'm being disrespectful (which is just like my dad was). Last night I had to step in to defend my kids because I felt that he was taking out his anger and frustration on them. Our two older ones (5 and 4) were in the tub, and my husband expects them to wash themselves. When they don't, he gets angry. So he started in yelling and that's when, like you said, the mama bear came out. I don't step in when I feel that discipline is warranted, but this was bullying. I yelled at him to get out of the bathroom and to leave them alone. I will stick up for my kids because I know how helpless it feels to be that child being screamed at and you don't know why, or you don't understand the expectations. I just don't think that discipline needs to equal anger and yelling. Period. No, he didn't like it but I don't care. I won't let him damage my kids the way I was. I came to hate men, and was nearly in a lesbian lifestyle because I was so disgusted with domineering, over powering men. I completely turned from God for a few years and was living a very sinful life. I was date raped and then I became suicidal because I was so miserable. That's when I turned back to God. (I feel like I can be open because ya'll don't know me...wish I could be so honest with my friends and not worry about what they would think of me). The example Jesus gave to us of how he loves the church is the example men are supposed to be following in treating their wives. Why can't men get that? You don't earn the respect of your wife and kids by bullying them and forcing your will upon them. Women would gladly submit to a man who is kind and loving and makes his family a priority.
I have threatened to leave many times, but have nowhere to go. My oldest son is in school, so I would have to be somewhere nearby and I don't know anyone who would take us all. I would not want to be a burden to anyone. I have no family here except my husband's. Sometimes I think it would really wake him up if I would leave. Maybe he would actually take me seriously and not think that I'm just in one of my "moods". Ultimately, I want to work things out and I keep clinging to hope that things will change. They usually get better for awhile, until the next time. I appreciate the prayers so much. Not many people know what's going on with us. I don't like to tell everyone my business, and that's why I came here. I don't want people to think my husband is some terrible ogre. He really isn't. He just has problems and needs to see it with is own eyes.

 

[Songbird_7]

Just an update and a thank you to all who have prayed. My husband and I were able to sit down and talk last night and we had it out. We got angry at first, but then as we talked we realized that a lot of our trouble is that we are misunderstanding one another. He sees my words and actions as disrespectful and dissmisive, while I hear him saying I'm not good enough and he's not pleased with me. Because of our own individual issues, we put everything through a filter that changes the meaning of the other's words and actions. At least we realize that now. So we're getting somewhere! God can take this mess of our lives and use it yet. The most important thing in all of this was praying, asking others to pray, and also listening. All too often I don't listen to what he's saying, and it is hard to hear that I am wrong about certain things. But I know where I am at fault, and so does he. Being humble is so important.

 

[katash]

We will pray for you my sister!

Jared

 

[PANCAKES]

praying and woot for the good news!

 

[sandstone]

Hi Songbird,

If I wasn't reading this I would think this was me. I honestly cant believe how similar our lives are.

Our husbands sound exactly the same. I am SO unhappy with our 13 year marriage. Its been all about him. We've 2 beautiful daughters 7 & 9 and it breaks my heart they see how unhappy we are.

Like u I'm a stay at home mum due to longterm health condition.I battle with fatigue stress etc on s daily basis. I had yo leave a very good job as a result a decision we both came to.

I feel undervalued, unloved and a burden. I get nosupport from him-he pays bills and mortgage but anything else I provide with my meager support income.

He constantly complains about being under pressure and stressed so I don't add my worries and frustrations to his.

Because of the way hes treated me and conyinuies to I feel no warmness towards him. Ive given up everything fir my family but I'm not made to feel part of it. I appear tobe living his dream and mine shoved aside.

Sorry for the rant but I'm in a bad place!