when loving your child isnt easy

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Remmy

Guest
#1
hey everybody..i just had a couple questions concerning my rebellious 3year old son.
i live in small country with only half a million and 80% of those ppl spent their time gossipping about others so i dont have any friends here..no christian close ones i can talk to atleast.i mean i could talk to my sisters but i prefer a christian opinion. i hope you guys can help me out.

so here's the problem...im a single mom who still goes to college and lives at home with her parents and son.(also my sisters and brother) i dont have a job so im home with my son all day.he has been so spoiled by my parents that he rebellious now..he talks back to my parents,hits them,screams at them if he doesnt get his way,he kicks and slaps his 2year old niece.when i noticed all these things i started spanking him so now he only listens when im around.since my parents dont spank him i have to do it everytime he disobeys them..they dont like to spank,every now and then they do spank but my son just laughs at them.everybody in the house is getting tired of his behavior..

the real problem is i spent alll daay..yelling at him spanking or piching him..its crazy..i dont wanna do this anymore..i want to find a better way to raise my son...i feel like im physically abusing him...its just that i know how my parents spoiled me and how rebellious i turned out to be and made some selfish decision beacause of that and i dont want that to happen with my son....i dont want him making the same mistakes i did...so i wanna train him to be a godly well mannered young man...my parents are not christian so they dont bring him up that way so i feel i have to work harder at bringing him up like God would want me too.
i really dont know what to do...the personal thing imalso struggeling with is being in controle of my anger...im tryna get a hold of it with Gods help..but i dont know how to get a hold of this anger problem if i have 3year old rebellious son who only listens when i spank...im just exhausted...tired of yelling all day long so i spank...i want to stop this now because i feel like imstarting to regret him being my son..i know its an awful thing to say and im ashamed of saying this but its getting a hold of me and im scared that one day i might hit him soo hard that he has to go to the hospital. i just feel more hate than love towards him and i want to do something about..i've been praying about tis for awhile but im not gettin anything..im just tired of not having anyone to talk too so that frustrates me too..i feel like im alone in this world and no one tangible to talk too..i didnt wanna come here and tell yall my problem but i decided to do it anyway because i dont have anyone else to talk to about it and the situation is just getting worse and i want it to stop.RIGHT NOW...

soo are there any moms out there who are experienced and went through the same thing or know what to tell me... please help me....i really wanna change...i want God to be pleased with me and right now he's just shaking his head at me..

God bless
 
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nanabean

Guest
#2
My heart does go out to you Remmy. I can't say I've been through anything close to what you are going through, but I do want to encourage you to stop and let yourself breath a bit, get yourself away from the spanking and pinching (???) routine. Maybe start by taking your son for daily walks around a park?? or the nieghborhood?? Maybe take some time to play games or sing songs, read stories to him AWAY from the rest of the family. That will not allow so much time for your parents to "spoil" him?? This will mean more "one on one" time with your son,...and that also means you'll get to know him and what makes him "tick" and therefore it should allow you to understand better what "punishment" will work more effectivly than spanking, for the times he does need disiplining. I am sure you will want a job, I would encourage you if (WHEN) you get a job, to maybe get some financial aide and get your son into a daycare, or at a babysitters away from home, just so he has a change of atmosphere too. I do hope this helps give you some ideas how to improve your situataion in some way. I will be praying for you and your son..and your parents too...
 
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Harley_Angel

Guest
#3
Watch SuperNanny, that woman is a genius. If you don't want to spank him try the "time out" method. You can't let him walk on you, at all. You've got to stay firm, tell him why he is going to time out, set the timer, and EVERY time he leaves time out, pick him up (silently) and put him back, restart the timer. Trust me, he'll back down and sit there. When he's done, tell him that you don't appreciate his bad behavior, that he should remember Jesus is watching him, and then hug him, tell him you love him. Works like a charm, and you don't have to spank, or your parents dont' have to spank. You just have to have the patience to out-wait his tantrums in time out and do it silently.
 
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broken

Guest
#4
nanabean has some good wisdom for you. Spend some time with your son in fun time so he can see you as something other than disciplinarian. Sit down with your parents and set firm limits. Chances are they will respect you for this. My mother does.

Harley_angel also has some good wisdom. Spanking doesn't work on all kids. I've never heard of pinching. Take my son,spanking does not phase him, but if I take away his favorite toy, its like murder. Sometimes I get quite the collection of my son's toys happening. My daughter on the otherhand all I have to do is send her to her room. You'd think i clubbed her over the head with something over the drama she spews when sent to her room.


You need to find things that affect your child. Not all kids are the same. Once you find something effective, stick to your guns. It will be hard work for a while. Just think though, if you've got this kind of thing going on when he's 3, what's he gonna look like at 17. Hang in there and stick to your guns.
 
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Ragamuffin

Guest
#5
Nanabean does have some very good advice. I raised my son for the first three years of his life with my parents (I was in high school). I understand the frustration of having to be under your parents authority while at the same time trying to be an authority to your child. I ended up getting a job in a daycare center when he was young. That gave me the ability to not have him with my parents when I was gone at work and still be close enough to my son to be involved. It also gave me the means to eventually move out of my parents house. Even if you can not move from your parents house right now, I think it would be wise for you to try to spend more time away from home doing things with your son alone. That will give him more consistency with rules and consequences because it will be mainly you he is learning this from. If you have to be away for school or work there are plenty of programs out there ( like CCPO )that can help you pay for childcare. Since you are a single parent, they should not look at your parents income to qualify, only yours. As for disciplining your child, every child is different. My son did not really respond much to spanking either but when I took things that were important to him away, it got his attention. It does not mean I never spanked him. In severe cases he did get a spanking in addition to restriction. Spending more time with your son will give you the knowledge to know how is the best way to deal with him. But when you do have to spank, I would recommend telling him he is getting a spanking and then sending him to his room for a little while first. This will give you time to cool down and approach him out of love and discipline, not anger. I will be praying for your situation. Just don't give up. You, with God's help have the power to be an awesome parent.
 
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Remmy

Guest
#6
hello everyone..thank you all for the your response

i think most of you agree on spending more time alone with him..i will try that.i dont live in the states, although i have that on my profile.i live in small country in south america(called suriname) so we dont have alot money.i have 2 other sisters and a brother,my dad is over 70 years old and my mom is over 60..my mom retired so she doest have alot of money and my dad is working fulltime everyday,sometimes even on sundays to put food on the table,also to sent me to college and lots of more things...i dont work because college and raising a son by itself is hard already and since i dont work im able to finish collgege within 3years instead of 4 years..so that saves my dad alot money and he agreed on it..its either work and finish school within 4years or dont work and finish within 3years..i choose the second one. so the only thing i am able to do with him is go swimming and go to the mall..everyhting else cost money...we dont have a park so i cant take walks...i have to walk around my ghetto neighborhood..lol
i never heard of CCPO..i dont think we have it here in our small country.we also dont have that finacial aid program here in suriname..i heard them talk about but i dont know...its a hard knock life

in october my son wil be goin to daycare so i think that will make things alot easier..but thank you guys soo much for the tips..i will try to spent more time with him alone and you know what really ticks him off is when im sent him to his room as punishment...i think im gonna do that instead of spankin..i did it a couple times and he just screams and cries till he pukes..yuk!..dont wanna clean up that mess..lol..and after his punishment as you guys mentioned i should show him love again,i never did that so now i will be mindful of that.i just stayed angry.
ow and the time out doest work..he thinks its a game..

ps:the reason i dont have my country of residence is because many ppl here in my country gossip and if they know that its me writing here they gonna post it on the internet and everybody will know my problems and start gossipping again..thats how they do around here..since there are only half a million ppl in the country everybody knows everybody so they spent their time tryna ''be better'' than others and gossiping..its horrible..everytime somebody in my country does someting good like sports or has his own program they start gossipping and talking bout ur past and posting everything on the internet...its crazy..

thank you all so much for keeping me in your prayers.if there are anymore tips or comments keep on coming!

God bless you all!
 
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contessa

Guest
#7
Hi remmy. I understand your frustrations. Being a parent is tough but the joys are endless especially when you discipline them with love. I am too a mother and even if i really havent experienced what uve experienced, the common thing to do is pray for your child, pray for yourself that God will show you ways that you can handle your child properly. In my country, we do spanking to discpline our child. I use newspaper to swat their butts when they are disobedient. Parents should be firm with their rules so the child will not get confused. After swatting their butts , ill give it 5 minutes for it to sink in then i hug them and explain to them the reason for the spanking. For toddlers, you have to let them look at you in the eye when you explain to them so that they will know youre serious. I know its hard when grandparents are around. They usually really spoil their grandchildren. You may talk to them too and tell them your stand so that you will be together in the rearing up of your child since you all live in the same roof
God bless you and your family. Ill pray for you.
 
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Remmy

Guest
#8
tnx for the advise contessa..its really important after the spanking to show them love again and explain why you spanked them,i did that today and he and i felt so much better..i did talk to my parents about it and they dont spoil him as much anymore.
thank you for keeping me your prayers

God bless
 

grace

Senior Member
Sep 8, 2006
1,064
11
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#9
Hi Remmy,

Have you ever heard of MOPS..? (Mothers of Preschoolers) It is WONDERFUL!! A christian organization for moms of children through kindergarten (basically age 6)

They ussually meeet twice a month, with other activities planned at random when it suits that particular group. Childcare is provided....and the moms sit and have breakfast together, and talk and network and vent and all that good mom stuff lol

It might be a good resource for you as a single mom, and to network with other moms about diciplining etc....just so you know you are not alone and to have some adult converstions sometimes too...lol

I am a single mom as well, so I know it is not always easy.
The website is www.mops.org You can go there and put in your zip code to see where the closest group is to you...and then call that group for details etc.

I will be praying that things get easier for you as you work on the diciplining issues with your child.

Take care :)
 

grace

Senior Member
Sep 8, 2006
1,064
11
0
51
#10
I forgot to add that I saw that you are in Suriname....and MOPS is international....so they very well may have a group near you as well. :)
 
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Remmy

Guest
#11
tnx grace i will look it up right now!
 
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ClimbingUpward

Guest
#12
Hi Remmy,

I know almost exactly what you are going through. I have a soon to be 4 yr old son myself, who is normally well behaved but comes back from visiting nan and pop's...and well he's not so well behaved.
The smacking and anger thing I've also gone through. After I had my boy I had bad post natal depression and blamed him for existing basically. I only started accepting him when he was 2 1/2 yrs. It's only with God's help that I've been able to stop smacking and getting really angry with him. I think at the time, 'God would not be pleased with this. God doesn't at all like when His children are being mistreated, how can I treat God's child the way I have been? Who do I think I am? I wouldn't do that if Jesus came down and was standing right in front of now would I?'

The other thing is when I feel the anger coming on, I pray, "Lord please help me, I don't want to be angry" etc, and before I've finished praying, I've completely calmed down, it is the weirdest feeling, but it's awesome!

I think what would really help you would be to move out from living with your family. If you are unable to , then your parents need to help with the discipline. They don't have to smack him, there are other ways, eg, taking a toy he really loves away from him for the night, he can have it back tomorrow, time out, telling him off firmly, count 1...2...3... if you get to 3, he gets a smack OR time out. With my boy, we get as far as 2 now, and you might find that will happen with yours. Being consistent. EVERYONE in the house needs to do this.

I have three levels to my 'firm voice.' Level 1 is his warning, level 2 is firm and he pretty always listens to it, then there's level 3 which I can honestly say I never really have to get here, have done a few times, but he's learnt now to listen with number 2.

You'll find that once these start to work, you won't have to use firm that much anymore, all you'll need to do is ask him nicely, with he word 'please' works really well.

Anyway, hope some of this helps. I'll pray for your situation.

Nora :)
 
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Remmy

Guest
#13
hello nora..thank you for the advise..i will definitly use it..i just sent you an email because i wanted to talk to you personally.

God bless
 
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buckeyegirl700

Guest
#14
I can relate to your post Remmy. I have a four year old daughter that I raise by myself. My mother helps me but we argue about the best ways for me to raise her. My daughter started school a year ago and this is her second year of preschool. She goes for four days a week for 6 hours. I know this sounds like a lot of time away from home to be so little but it has helped me and her tremendously. For example over the summer she was wild, and full of energy. There were days and nights were I would cry and have nervous break downs because she would get into everything, run down the street and I would have to chase her, and talk back to me. I was trying to work on my relationship with God, college, and the stress from my mom and brother did not help. Preschool just started this month for my four year old and she has calmed down a lot. She loves school and it works for both of us. I put her on the bus and leave to go work at my part time job. I get off from work in just enough time to get her off the bus. After she gets off the bus we spend time together and I work on my school work.

I have to deal with my mother when it comes to raising my daughter. At first I did not want to say anything to her because she helped me so much with my daughter but I finally just sat down and had a talk with her and explained that she was the grandmother and not the mother of my child. I told her that I appreciated her help and I wanted to raise my daughter my way. I raise my daughter by myself and I can relate to getting angry with my child.
 
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Remmy

Guest
#15
hey buckeyegirl,
wow..i see your post and it almost like i wrote it.
my son will start pre school in october..it willbe for 6hours too...so you are saying that that wil help alot huh...many ppl have been saying that and i think you guys are right..it will be good for him cuz he can let out some of the energy over there and i will have more quiet time and will be able to work.
i have been trying to find a job but it didnt go so well so i decided to just stay home and finish colllge..but recently i start applying again for parttime job because i really need the money ,plus i get bored being at home all day.it is more stressful sitting at home thinkin about your situation so i wanna work and get my mind of my problems a litlle bit.i have been prayin to God for me to open up a door for me so i hope it happends soon.may His will be done.
i did talk to my mom about the situation and she's doing alot better.but i also live with my dad and my 2sisters and my brother and my niece...they just yell at him and dont bother using my strategy to raise him..to them it is a waste of time..they just let him be..yell at him and thats it..so it is very hard for me but also for him because everybody is using differetn strategy to raise him..i really need to move out.
they are also not christians..well one of my sisters is but that is it..

but is just wanna say thank you for the encouragement..thank you all for your replies..i must admit that i have been much calmer towards my son because of the encouragemnt and advise i got..so thank you guys ssooo much!
please keep me in your prayers and pray that God will help me find a job

God bless!
 
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buckeyegirl700

Guest
#16
I am glad everything is getting better for you. I will pray for you and please pray for me as well.
 
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wwjd_kilden

Guest
#17
Glad to hear that things are going better.

PS, if you do the timeout: time-out in his room, no good if he has toys there. Time- out is supposed to be boring *yawn* - try the stairs, or have him sitting in a chair or on a carpet on the floor or something of the sort
 
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Remmy

Guest
#18
lol.. i will..tnx!

God bless
 
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Jezreel

Guest
#19
I was lucky enough that when I gave my parents permission to disipline my children when they were with them, that alone re-enforced disipline and good manners in my children. It is a terrible problem if you parents are not supporting your desire to have your child turn out to be a decent law abiding citizen and it is causing frustration in you and making it harder that you will naturally make some mistakes and the devil accuse you of being abusive. We parents ALL make mistakes. My husband and I were very consistent when it came to correction. It was not hard for us to have our children behave because they knew that I would use the wooden spoon on their little butts. My grown children also use the wooden spoon on their children and the majority of my grandchildren are wonderfully behaved. If a young boy does not have a strong father figure, that can have a strong influence on him that is not good. If you attend a church, I would go to the pastor and ask him if there any men there that would take time with him. We would have to pray that God would close the door to any men would would make matters worse, you need a truly godly man that will bless your son and the Lord wants to bless your son with that. A father figure that is strong is very important. Kids can sense when a person is weak. They are so much smarter than most people give them credit for. Since you are so busy at college, it is good that you do not work for this period of time. Kids can pick up more rebellion at day care too. My daughter in law does day care at her home and my three grandsons that she has with my son, have terrible behavioral problems and that is due to having all those other kids and, the fact that my daughter in law is weak when it comes to disipline. Otherwise, she is a very good mother. My son needs to be stronger with them. I can't even have those three boys over here at once because they are so out of control they stress me out and drive me crazy. I have to have them one at a time.
 
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Remmy

Guest
#20
Jezreel thank you for replying.yeah my son thinks everybody else around him is just a big joke.i need to be around for him to listen.it is even more frustrating for me because he doest listen to anyone else in this house but me, so whenever he is with my sister or my parents and hes causing trouble i have to stop whatever im doing and get him in order...so whenver im not around its complete chaos.my mom doesnt wanna sent him to his room because he threw up once because he was crying so much so she felt guilty.i dunno..everybody in the house is just too busy,they just yell at him but not really discipline him..i mean yes im the parent im suppose to do the disciplining but when they are not disciplining him than my work is for nothing.they do try though but they just dont know how to handle him and they just leave it all to me to do it.but the thing is when you live in your house with so many ppl, all of them have to raise the child the same way.
im starting to think that not working right now is Gods plan for me.my son is already signed up for pre school though.i thought it would be good for him since he has alot of energy and is very smart for his age.so i was planning to work when hes at school.
also,you are right about children being in need of a father figure.i i pray that God will put that strong godly man in my life and i also pray that he teaches me to be strong godly mother.

thank you for the advice,i have alot to learn about parenting, especially as a single parent so i really appreciate your advice.

God bless