marriage or divorce?

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eddieper

Guest
#1
#1
Hello to everyone,
I am recently married in July of 2010. Well my question is this, Yesterday my wife had expressed to me that she was planning on sending the father of my step daughter (I hate that word so let’s use my daughter instead) 19,500 dollars from her IRA. Because she made an promise to him over a house they once had together. She has had a sufficient amount of time to make good on this so called promise to him prior to us getting married and combining our finances together, but never has until now. Now when her ex is having a rough financial time do to his own choosing quitting job to job she choses to take these funds from her retirement fund. I have had difficulty with this since the man has not provided not one cent in the support of my daughter. I have paid for airline tickets/ hotel for him to see his daughter and never come between her and his relationship. He rarely communicates with her and sees her once a year in summer but always with difficulty. I have been in her life now since the age of five she is now 12 and I fail to see her reasoning that this will help her in her walk with Jesus. I find this as a huge insult to me and I know some might say well its her money as she also says, but I don’t see like that especially since those funds are for our future as well as that of our now 1 month old daughter and two other children. I have supported her in just about everything but cannot do this here. We have had a bumpy road to where we are now. I have asked her if she is willing to jeopardize our marriage by doing this and she says that she is going to do what is right and my question is by whom him or me your husband. She continues to state that it is not for him but that it is for her conscious. I again asked her why she would provide him with these funds if he has not provided a dime for her schooling clothes food etc. etc. and she continues to state that it is not her job or place to make him pay child support in anyway that that should come from him. I am lost and I am inches away from filing for a divorce and have asked her if she is willing to except losing me our family our relationship over this and her answer is I am doing the right thing. So whom is she doing right by? It feels as if her promise to him is more important that the vow she made to me, Please help.
 
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BarlyGurl

Guest
#2
#2
you posted the same exact same problem in two threads?
 
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Lucy68

Senior Member
#3
Jan 21, 2011
2,538
22
0
#3
You two do need to talk about the finances as family finances since you are married. I think it should be a mutual decision. But you are framing it in a threat. Threatening her with divorce will put all sorts of walls up and will not help you two work this out.

Your resentment is feeding her resentment. Have you talked about going to counseling together? A third party can be very helpful in working out problems. Talking about bailing out at a time of stress is not the way to go about it. Ultimatums are never received well.

Praying for you and your wife...may the Spirit guide you in wisdom and patience.
 
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eddieper

Guest
#4
#4
Lucy68 said:
You two do need to talk about the finances as family finances since you are married. I think it should be a mutual decision. But you are framing it in a threat. Threatening her with divorce will put all sorts of walls up and will not help you two work this out.

Your resentment is feeding her resentment. Have you talked about going to counseling together? A third party can be very helpful in working out problems. Talking about bailing out at a time of stress is not the way to go about it. Ultimatums are never received well.

Praying for you and your wife...may the Spirit guide you in wisdom and patience.
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BURLY GURL and Lucy thank you sooooo much your input was very useful God bless you and please keep us in your prayers.
 
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eddieper

Guest
#5
#5
BURLY GURL and Lucy thank you sooooo much your input was very useful God bless you and please keep us in your prayers. Sorry about posting twice I am new to this and did not notice it.
 
AAAPlus

AAAPlus

Senior Member
#6
Aug 2, 2011
601
10
18
#6
As a finance manager (both at home and professionally) this situation frustrates me (and not just because of the tax repercussions of pulling money out of your IRA early). But as Christians we must realize that in the end, money is just money. There is tons of it out there. A relationship through marriage is eternal; it represents our eternal marriage bond to God. Nothing should tear it apart, especially something as ridiculous and trivial as money.
 
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eddieper

Guest
#7
#7
AAAplus you must have lots of money and not really know what it means to struggle to provide. I have known both and know that god talks enough about for it to be of importance..It is not about the money as you might think but about our eternal marriage bond to God each other and our family that comes first no matter what. Not the issues and problems of a person whom we had in our past. You say you hate the trivial money yet the only issue at hand you chose to focus on was indeed the money. It is about faithfulness dedication commitment trust, fidelity, Love. These are the issues at hand not the money. These are the questions I am asking because it takes two in a marriage and if someone is bonded to someone from the past then I am sorry what bond exists there. I asked for GODLY advice that I could use to see if my fellow Christians could help, not for you to rant and rave about what bothers you. Take care and god bless.
 
Sweetness

Sweetness

Junior Member
#8
Jan 15, 2011
4
0
1
#8
I agree with seeking assistance from a third party -- pastor or elder at your church would be ideal seek out the answer biblically. I also agree that disolving a marriage over a money issue is not the answer especially since children are involved here. I hear that you are hurt eddieper because you feel your wife is choosing her ex over you. I agree with you she should have brought this to your attention before you married but too late now for that. If you really love her as Jesus loves the church which is what a husband is supposed to do -- you will look at the situation from a biblical / Jesus view. Would he have you continue in the relationship and marriage or move on? Remember you are the spiritual leader in your home you always have to take the higher ground and seek to do what Jesus would have you do despite feelings and emotions. I know its not easy and I pray for you and your family. Satan continues to seek and devour in our material, short-sighted world. Remember our rewards are not in this life. God bless you and keep you strong in Jesus name and keep your family together.
 
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eddieper

Guest
#9
#9
Sweetness said:
I agree with seeking assistance from a third party -- pastor or elder at your church would be ideal seek out the answer biblically. I also agree that disolving a marriage over a money issue is not the answer especially since children are involved here. I hear that you are hurt eddieper because you feel your wife is choosing her ex over you. I agree with you she should have brought this to your attention before you married but too late now for that. If you really love her as Jesus loves the church which is what a husband is supposed to do -- you will look at the situation from a biblical / Jesus view. Would he have you continue in the relationship and marriage or move on? Remember you are the spiritual leader in your home you always have to take the higher ground and seek to do what Jesus would have you do despite feelings and emotions. I know its not easy and I pray for you and your family. Satan continues to seek and devour in our material, short-sighted world. Remember our rewards are not in this life. God bless you and keep you strong in Jesus name and keep your family together.
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Thank you sooo much sweetness,
I really appreciate the input i guess but not the personal attacks on my person(like you do not trust your wife or are jealous of her past)., but i think some have forgotten the mandates which our lord has given us. in marriage we are to become as one in everything... to include no my money or her money but our money(Regardless, spending her money on him no matter how you see it is not infidelity),. she is to respect my opinion as i hers and we are to come to a compromise that would benefit OUR FAMILY. I AM THE HEAD OF THIS FAMILY AND SHE IS THE BODY OR AM I WRONG ON THIS. My responsibility as head of household is to lead, protect and provide this is not jealousy but my GOD given directive. Does anyone here have 19,500 dollars american that you can throw at someone from your past, whom has chosen to act as a fool in every aspect of his life and forget that your first obligation as a married couple is to our Lord, Each Other and Family.

Perhaps this is something your wife needs to do to completely shut him out of her life.
I have enough sense to know that this man will never be shut out of her life that is foolish to even think, as this would have a devastating effect on his daughter regardless of how foolish he is financially he is not a child but a 39 year old man and still her father. Is being a Godly man mean stepping to the side and letting her do what she pleases with total disregard for the welfare of our family. He has done NOTHING to support his daughter. I have in turn purchased tickets placed in in hotels provided money so that she can see him and now I am assuming that I should turn a blind eye because this is ONLY MONEY A TEMPORARY THING. That our church could use to further expand to reach more people with the WORD.

Eph 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
[FONT=tahoma, helvetica, arial, sans-serif]This verse does not mean for a man to be a carpet, but it does mean that you lead her and lift her up to our lord.love her with kindness/ tenderness/ etc., and hold her accountable as she should you or am I wrong? She chose to bond her herself to me me and I her in the eyes of God..Is she honoring this bond. I do not want a divorce I don't but what is to become of our future if I let this one slide as well as the other times I have taken the passive role and allowed her possibly even enabling her to enable him. When will this stop is this not infidelity? This sense of obligation to him means that this person is of importance to her and holds a place in her heart that I do not if she is willing to sacrifice me to help him regardless of how I feel or disagree. [/FONT]

You are all right that we should seek counsel, which as the spiritual leader of my family I have tried, but she is stuck on giving him this money instead. When I asked her to speak with him and instead place this money in an account to help his daughter in her life, college, house etc. why now is that not good enough? Because she is emotionally tied to him in his time of need is that not infidelity? You do not have to sleep with a man or women to be unfaithful. Thank you for your prayers and God be with you all.
 
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Ugly

Guest
#10
#10
On an unrelated note, eddie, when making posts as long (or longer) than yours, try using the enter button every few sentences and breaking up the wall of text. This makes it easier to read (some people will not even attempt to read posts written like yours). I find usually every 2-5 sentences put in a break, depending on the size of the sentences. It will not only potentially increase the number of readers, and responders, it may lead to less confusion to those who do read.
 
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Mayco

Guest
#11
#11
Brother, all I can say is do the right thing and do the best you can.
Pray and do all you can.
I got divorced and regret not doing everything I could have because i was upset and wanted to show her that she could not manipulate me.
There are people who just were raised different and had either strict parents or lenient parents.
When people don't know what to do, they do what they know.
Don't be like me and regret not doing all I could have to have saved things.
They power to save it wasn't in me, only the power to destroy it.
It was an example of not letting God run the show.
Trust me, I am a "fix any problem that comes my way" guy.
This one was too big for me and I was too proud to admit that.
God still works in us even when we mess it all up.
The Lost Son tells it all.
Yo aren;t alone in the desperation.
I have different issues, but I am right there totally understanding where your heart is.
Scared, pain-filled, frustrated, mad and worried about the future.
If I had my crystal ball, I would feel better, but i don't.
Thank God for who He is.
Just don't give up brother!
Mike
 
Sweetness

Sweetness

Junior Member
#12
Jan 15, 2011
4
0
1
#12
Hey eddieper I read your reply seems all reasonable to me. If she wont seek counseling with you do it for yourself and your family. A godly man with knowledge of the Word coming alongside you will give you a perspective removed of emotion it will help you look at it as the Lord will have you do. Praying with him also will help you gain peace. Marriage vows usually incorporate the commitment to forsake all others. I think it is important for the survival of the relationship and in order to be truly become one. However we are all weak and flawed and not one sin is greater than another in the eyes of the Lord. He teaches us about forgiveness Jesus himself asked God to forgive us for they know not what they do. We all need to continue to grow in the Lord and every trial and tribulation helps us do that as we seek to overcome THROUGH JESUS -- its when we follow our flesh is when we mess up. We all do it or have done it -- however the forgiving graces of our Father has provided everything we need to overcome through His Son and the help of our teacher and comforter the Holy Spirit. Don't be tempted to follow the flesh -- its a ploy too many of us have succumbed to - speaking as a sister who knows. God bless you and your wife may He take your hand and guide you through this obstacle strengthening your marriage and therefore becoming a witness of the wonderous love of our Gracious Lord. Amen
 
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