My experience with my husband's porn struggles

[RickyZ]

And my apologies too, what the heck was I thinking, that my experience as a man who used to - note that, USED TO - have that problem would have any bearing on the situation. BarlyGurl, you and your sisters just keep nagging, ragging, cracking the whip and spouting verses, because we ALL know that's a time honored technique that always produces healthy results.

Just for the record, my second/current/last wife and I have a wonderful relationship of over 20 years. She gives me the freedom to search porn. You know what I do with that freedom? I COME HERE INSTEAD. But what do I know, I'm just a scumball man.

My Adonai, these PUBLIC forums are open to the PUBLIC for input. If you have something pertinent to say about a subject by all means speak up. Those who want a private message can use the IM function if they don't want others to comment on their thoughts. I'm more than happy to hear people's interjections.

 

[BarlyGurl]

And my apologies too, what the heck was I thinking, that my experience as a man who used to - note that, USED TO - have that problem would have any bearing on the situation. BarlyGurl, you and your sisters just keep nagging, ragging, cracking the whip and spouting verses, because we ALL know that's a time honored technique that always produces healthy results.
Ricky NO WHERE have I nagged, ragged, cracked a whip or spouted verses or suggested the OP use that technique as a solution... so you Sir have veered WAYYYYY off course here.
Just for the record, my second/current/last wife and I have a wonderful relationship of over 20 years. She gives me the freedom to search porn. You know what I do with that freedom? I COME HERE INSTEAD. But what do I know, I'm just a scumball man. I personally generally like men... but if you want to declare yourself the "scumball" sort, I guess I will take your word for it. Further if YOU formerly had a problem with porn... why would your wife give you the FREEDOM to search porn???? If you had a problem and now don't why don't you just call it "using the internet".... generally speaking... I think most adults understand that the marital relationship is not supposed to reflect a "parental" relationship and a wife holding her husband accountable is about the health of the "marriage" not about being his supervisor or mommy.

 

[my_adonai_]

My Adonai, these PUBLIC forums are open to the PUBLIC for input. If you have something pertinent to say about a subject by all means speak up. Those who want a private message can use the IM function if they don't want others to comment on their thoughts. I'm more than happy to hear people's interjections.

You are quite right man, i have the freedom to type anything on a ""public"" forum. but i have had my share for the day brother, and am not looking for anymore. so i rather keep quiet.
God bless you Ricky, and may GOD reveal more of HIM in your life, in Jesus mighty name.

 

[RickyZ]

Barly, it's not so much what you say as how you say it that says so much. Well yeah, it is what you say, ask My Adoni what he thinks of your bedside manner. You may not realize it but you come across a little bi- I mean harsh.

God intended us to have freedom to choose, and we chose sin. Is not the point of cleansing and sanctification therefore that we end up still having the freedom to choose, but choosing not to? That is my point, you can't cleanse and sanctify a man - or anyone - by chaining them to the wall and threatening punishment if they move. And don't tell me that's not what you're advocating, women want to clamp down and control men into submission, especially on a subject like this. And I'm tellin' ya it doesn't work.

What does work is creating an environment that gives the freedom but makes it undesireable. That means when your man sits down to watch a movie, you lay your head in his lap with your blouse open and ask if he'd like to run his fingers across your chest. Or when he's been at the desk workin' and throws back his head for a break you plop in his lap facing him and invite him to kiss and nuzzle things. Or when the snooze alarm gets smacked in the morning, you reach over and just hold it for that time. Now what in all of that is unBiblical? And yet how many of you ladies will do that for your man, especially unasked? I oughta run a poll, I doubt you'd have the ovaries to answer it.

Create the environment he needs and he'll choose not to stray. Put a lock on the computer and you've gained nothing.

 

[my_adonai_]

and that verse 2 cor 9:7 says we give ""WILLINGLY"" and thats point i was try to make really, that we should be CHOOSE GOD willingly, not because there is nothing to choose, but because HE HAS MADE US SEE, that HE is all we need. get it? the whole process of sanctification is moving from FAITH TO FAITH, from GLORY TO GLORY. and what is FAITH? where does it come from? HEARING GOD. and what is GLORY? the manifestation of GODS FAITHFULNESS in the physical world.

Indeed there are times to be strict and times not to be. Sometimes i might want to write something out of anger like ""why doesnt this person SEE what i see"" so i go in and bash em in the face trying to force TRUTH on them. i do not love that really, and i always have a ""you are free to choose"" concept right after i speak to them about what GOD leads me to tell them.
Do not misunderstand me on the matter, it is a MUST TO BE OBEDIENT before GOD, but not everyone loves disobedience, and sometimes there are things holding us back from being obedient, i mean consider this, the moment you became bornagain, there are something you did not know and some sins you still committed, but day after day, the LORD changed your heart and mind, changed your perception of things, and thus you got victory over each and every sin that troubled you.

Good day.. its a different day today hehe

 

[BarlyGurl]

Barly, it's not so much what you say as how you say it that says so much. Well yeah, it is what you say, ask My Adoni what he thinks of your bedside manner. You may not realize it but you come across a little bi- I mean harsh.
It's typed words... it's email... If anyone doesn't like plain words...too bad... it's EMAIL. Whatever extra supposition anyone wants to ADD to plain words is about them...anyone who wants to interpret malice to my words... that's their deal.

God intended us to have freedom to choose, and we chose sin. Is not the point of cleansing and sanctification therefore that we end up still having the freedom to choose, but choosing not to? That is my point, you can't cleanse and sanctify a man - or anyone - by chaining them to the wall and threatening punishment if they move. If you can find anywhere why I hav bee affiliated with that sort of nonsense talk.. bring it forward. And don't tell me that's not what you're advocating, women want to clamp down and control men into submission, especially on a subject like this. That is absolute BS... You are welcome to peruse my posts thru-out the forum and NOWHERE will you find ANY INDICATION of ANY SORT of the KIND of accusation you are railing against me and women in general. No where in this thread have I sugested anything that could be construed as SUBJUGATION and further have a recent post on another thread telling a fellow how he was free to cut ties with certain women who were Subjugating him. So I have to conclude it's just YOUR embitterment against women that has you reading motives and agenda's into my posts... as your accusations are entirely unfounded except by your own imagination. And I'm tellin' ya it doesn't work. Here I can say as to eronious accusation... the particular method... which I have never suggested... we can agree... I wouldn't work, nor is it BIBLICAL.

What does work is creating an environment that gives the freedom but makes it undesireable. Again I will state that porn is a sin with destructive consequences whether a man or woman is married or not.So asserting (as you have) that marital sex, or lack of is the driving force behind porn is False... and should you persist with that assertion... I will persist in stating the truth.

That means when your man sits down to watch a movie, you lay your head in his lap with your blouse open and ask if he'd like to run his fingers across your chest. Or when he's been at the desk workin' and throws back his head for a break you plop in his lap facing him and invite him to kiss and nuzzle things. Or when the snooze alarm gets smacked in the morning, you reach over and just hold it for that time. Now what in all of that is unBiblical? I suppose your reason for being "graphic" is expected to somehow make me huff and snort... but as it is... NOPE... not unbiblical. And yet how many of you ladies will do that for your man, especially unasked? Sorry you have had "frigid" woman experience... it has clearly jaded your view of women in general. Nealry All the women I know are pretty clear that sex is for marriage and the marriage bed is undefiled and that our bodies belong to our mate... visa versa. I oughta run a poll, I doubt you'd have the ovaries to answer it. Now you are just being adversarily provocative... which of course goes back to your previous mis-conclusions about me... my ovaries are fine and my answer would be the same if I had none.

Create the environment he needs and he'll choose not to stray. Again Porn is not about marital sex as it is a sin whether you are married or not, the OP is not responsible for her spouses porn sin nor is any other spouse. Put a lock on the computer and you've gained nothing. I don't know where you get, or who you think suggested that... sure wasn't me.

 

[Mayco]

Sex has taken down governments, ruined friendships and families.
Men have a very tough time fighting these temptations. All men.
The first thing is for him to man-up and make no excuses.
Children make excuse.
"He made me" "I couldn't stop it" "They all were doing it"
and the classic..."It just happened."
It never "just happens."
The man, JUST LIKE I DID, struggles with a secret many will never tell you.
Here's the bottom line:
He chooses to do that. He is weak (like me and all men).
He is forgiven, also
A hall pass, still does not give you the right to run down the hall.
The more responsibility we are given, the more responsibility we must show.
I would not throw a marriage away because of porn.
I can almost guarantee that porn will lead to things like chat sites, and then, other addictive issues
Cheating? That is another story.
It a started with the smallest suggestion............

 

[HEstolemyheart]

Sex has taken down governments, ruined friendships and families.
Men have a very tough time fighting these temptations. All men.
The first thing is for him to man-up and make no excuses.
Children make excuse.
"He made me" "I couldn't stop it" "They all were doing it"
and the classic..."It just happened."
It never "just happens."
The man, JUST LIKE I DID, struggles with a secret many will never tell you.
Here's the bottom line:
He chooses to do that. He is weak (like me and all men).
He is forgiven, also
A hall pass, still does not give you the right to run down the hall.
The more responsibility we are given, the more responsibility we must show.
I would not throw a marriage away because of porn.
I can almost guarantee that porn will lead to things like chat sites, and then, other addictive issues
Cheating? That is another story.
It a started with the smallest suggestion............

Exactly, Mayco!

My worry is not the porn itself. My worry is that EVERYTIME this pops up, usually it escalates to talking to other women online, responding to craigslist personals ads... I recently discovered he was receiving emails and updates from zoosk dating and adultfriendfinder, and a couple other, explicitly named ones. I am not planning on leaving the marriage, but if it escalates to a physical encounter, I will, because we have been dealing with this for 4+ years now and he simply shows no remorse or even willingness to stop. When he does stop, it stops for a while, a few weeks or months, but then the cycle starts all over again... And I can ALWAYS "see" it coming.

As for Ricky, I have, always, tried to give into every whim and fancy of my husbands sexual desires. Our marital sex is NOT the problem here. I do understand your point, although it would not work in this case.

 

[Mayco]

Wow. I could not live with that.
We we get married, we make promises that if things get bad, like diseases or things out of our hands, we stand faithful.
The way you describe it, I could not take that.
Let's go with the time honored excuse, "It just happened" and actually accept it, just for this instance.
Registering on web sites did not "just happen."
One did not have a seizure in front of a computer and miraculously, the fingers typed a web site, and registered themselves on it.
One is so deliberate, that a password has to be created. No one "sleep registers" nor registers while drunk.
Those thing require forethought and choice.
Many Christians will tell you to bare anything and everything. We can't. Only Jesus can.
That is why He came to save us from ourselves.
Imagine that? Saving us from ourselves? We must be a bad lot, and yet God sent His son to die for losers like us.
When you are not in the middle of problems, you profess all the bravery and honor one can.
All can say for sure is, pray, pray, pray!
If he chooses to go astray, he will do it out of his own choice
This was my excuse for years until I read one of my favorite passages.
A passage ALL MEN should familiarize themselves with. Especially those who profess to be husbands worthy of a wife.
James:

When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed.Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

I quoted this here before because it needs repeating.
I am sure every Christian would love to say to himself/herself that we all would weather the storm.
I could not. A storm that one chose to go in and ruin the family, would be too difficult to have.
I know I am expected to say, "Stick it out and be a witness to your husband."
I am sorry, but I can't.
If he has chosen to date others and seek them out continuously, then he has told you what he values.
You can forgive him, but he makes these choices. There is risk of diseases that can come into the family.
The good thing is, God still loves him as much as He loves you.
We aren't as strong as we think we are or want to be.
Even Peter gave in to his fear.
Keep talking to Christians and seek counseling.
It hurts and never feel bad about that.

Here's the truth about me.
I caused hurt in others and I also was hurt.
I thought here was no way God could ever love me again, but He does.
I learned the hard way: after the fact.
Mike
Los Angeles

 

[Mayco]

Let me finish by saying, God can heal him of all his porn issues.
He just needs to come clean, and man-up and want it.
When people do destructive things, it is because THEY CHOOSE to. It feeds a need.
God takes the fear of losing those bad things and refills it with Him.
Some people are so use to something so bad, that they feel scared without it.
That is the devil clawing to stay alive.

 

[BarlyGurl]

Thank you Mayco for showing up and saying what a God/marriage/wife honoring man should. Be Blessed.

 

[Mayco]

BarlyGurl.
I am not sure what a real man should be like.
I am just now trying to correct the stupid things I chose to do.
I am trying to see what I need to do to be right with God.
And yet, I still choose stupid things!!!! Why?
Because it brings me the short term pleasure/fun/rest/laugh/excitement.
There is no twisting of arms.
Once we admit that we wanted certain "bad" things that Christians aren't supposed to want,
then we will face the depth of ourselves.
The more we know of ourselves, the more scary we should be.
It will show us how helpless we are.
You know why Christians cheat in marriage, and many like porn?
Because the same body Christians have is the same one non-Christians have, and they all like pleasure.
Christians hide it better. To me, real Christians come clean.
Boys say "He made me do it." Men say, "I chose to do it. Forgive me."
Then they work to stop it.

I messed up real bad in my life.
I speak from experience. Not a book, not a sermon, not from friends.
I can't share the story of Peter's denial of Christ enough.
That is all of us. We aren't "there" yet. We never will be "There." Only Christ is "there."
We can try to imitate Him and do all He asks us for, but we will fall short.
No man has ever existed that is like Him.
That is why Jesus came here where we live.
The minute you think you are becoming "Christ-like" get ready for a fall.
It's like acknowledge one's own humility. How can that be?
To say, "I am humble" is now arrogance. Only God could ever decide what humility is.
For me to be Christ-like, is to deyn myself. Come one, who really does that?
I want to believe I do, but there is always that little selfishness behind it.

This is my belief, because it happened to me.
We all become Peter one day.
But like Peter, we don't stay there.

 

[savedsince14]

I am a 50 year old man. I have struggled with the porn I used to look at as a teenager that my uncle had.He being the one that raised me.I am NOT supporting porn by making my next statement, but that was how I learned about sex because it was NEVER discussed. It,of course, caused me to start masturbating, a problem I still struggle with. We are all tempted alike. All Christians, men and women, are tempted all the time by Satan. But we must depend on God to defeat him. We all have a choice ,whether or not we are going to yield to the temptation or not . We must remember that God said," No temptation hath taken you but such as is COMMON to man. But God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted above that ye are able, but will with the temptation also make a way of escape that ye may be able to bear it." So, you must face temptations just like your husband does.But ,remember, sex is one of the strongest desires a man has and he can be "turned on" in a heart beat. A womens sexual desire works different than a man's does. My wife, for example, doesn't care about my sexual desire anymore and doesn't say anything about sex period. So I struggle with masturbation . She doesn't know about it because she doesn't care enough to know about it. Men have problems with this desire because it is so pleasurable. The only thing about it is

 

[savedsince14]

this desire has consequences.Just remember , your husband is human and he is going to make mistakes. So love him anyway, just as God loves us anyway.

 

[BarlyGurl]

>>>> My wife, for example, doesn't care about my sexual desire anymore and doesn't say anything about sex period. So I struggle with masturbation . She doesn't know about it because she doesn't care enough to know about it. Men have problems with this desire because it is so pleasurable. The only thing about it is<<<<

I have no idea about your marriage other than what you say... but i do notice the part above I copied. I just notice that you are making some summations about your wife which might be in error. She might not really know how to talk about it, she might be going thru the change... or worse... she might KNOW about your porn and masturbation and thinks you don'r find her desirable anymore! Please open a dialogue with her, buy her a pretty card and tell her you still thinks she is beautiful and would like to continue to enjoy sex with her then ask her and ask her if she would be willing to discuss it on "X" day and time. Buy her some flowers or whatever you KNOW makes her feel special, give her the card and the flowers and set the "date". This way she has time to consider what you are asking/saying and then you both have a better chance of having a dialogue instead of it breaking down into something hurtful or angry making... this could solve the problem... or at least open the door to actually begin talking about it.

 

[browneyedgirlygirl]

I messed up real bad in my life.
I speak from experience. Not a book, not a sermon, not from friends.

Mayco are you and your wife still married?

 

[browneyedgirlygirl]

HEstolemyheart I feel like I am going through what you will be going through if your H does Not get help. I didn't know my H was addicted to Sex/Porn until 7yrs together, 6yrs married in April, and 2kids later.. I found out that he had been cheating on me through out our marriage through numerous dating websites and hookup sites. My advice to you is that he needs to seek professional help on this matter because he obviously isn't able to stop this addiction on his own. I will be praying for you and just know you are not alone <3

 

[Mayco]

No. We divorced.
I remarried last year.

 

[savedsince14]

>>>> My wife, for example, doesn't care about my sexual desire anymore and doesn't say anything about sex period. So I struggle with masturbation . She doesn't know about it because she doesn't care enough to know about it. Men have problems with this desire because it is so pleasurable. The only thing about it is<<<<

I have no idea about your marriage other than what you say... but i do notice the part above I copied. I just notice that you are making some summations about your wife which might be in error. She might not really know how to talk about it, she might be going thru the change... or worse... she might KNOW about your porn and masturbation and thinks you don'r find her desirable anymore! Please open a dialogue with her, buy her a pretty card and tell her you still thinks she is beautiful and would like to continue to enjoy sex with her then ask her and ask her if she would be willing to discuss it on "X" day and time. Buy her some flowers or whatever you KNOW makes her feel special, give her the card and the flowers and set the "date". This way she has time to consider what you are asking/saying and then you both have a better chance of having a dialogue instead of it breaking down into something hurtful or angry making... this could solve the problem... or at least open the door to actually begin talking about it.

BarlyGurl, MY wife has ADHD. We have almost completely differently backgrounds. She was raised by her parents and highly spoiled because she was the youngest. I, on the other hand was raised with the ,"do for yourself or do without." attitude. I was not raised by my parents.I was 13 years old when I found out I was the reason they got divorced because dad told mom to abort me. So I was raised by my uncle and aunt .My uncle had all kinds of porn(books and magazines) and that is actually how I learned about sex because it was NEVER discussed. What I was trying to get Hestolemyheart to see is everyone faces temptations every day. A man is 'turned on' so much easier than a woman. I know every woman wants her husband to look at her only, but, like I heard a preacher say once to the married women in the congregation," if your husband can look at another woman, and it don't bother him, you better take him to the doctor,". Porn is out there. It is not going anywhere. If eveyone handled sex like they were supposed to the porn business would not exist. It is hard for a man not to look at porn because sex is one of the strongest desires a man has. I appreciate the ideas you offered me about my wife but I know if I did that she would probably just say thanks and that would be it.When it comes to talking to her about things, if she don't want to talk about it ,she won't. Or she will just agree with you to end the conversation. I didn't know she was like this until years into our marriage. It is never ok to look at porn, but that is also not going to stop it from being done either. We all have to ask God to forgive us everyday,but we should never use that as a excuse to do something wrong. We have to let God help us overcome temptation or we will yield every time.

 

[Mayco]

Temptation only has power when we want it to.
We like to be in situations that will overwhelm us, so our excuse is, "It just happened. I had no choice."
The devil knows the little things that we like. Many are good and many are bad.
It takes only one little, bad, weakness to break us apart.
Think about it.
How many times has the greatest sermon, the greatest performance, been ruined by a cell phone going off?
Or a baby yapping? Or a person coughing more than twice without going to get some water?
A silly little cell phone ruining the whole performance? Seriously?
That is how the devil works.
he doesn't come in like a fireman breaking doors down.
he is the annoying neighbor who tempts us to respond to him.