My experience with my husband's porn struggles

[HEstolemyheart]

I am writing this for several reasons. First and foremost, so other husbands and wives can read my experience, and know they are not alone in this struggle.

My husband and I will be celebrating our 4 year wedding anniversary this April. We have two wonderful children, a boy born 2009 and a girl born 2012. He works long hours to provide and I stay home to be with our kids.

I didn't know of my husband's pornography issues until we had been married almost a year. From there on out things just started to spiral down.

It started when I was going through his web browser on his cell phone (at his request) to find something, and found pornographic websites in the history. I waited until we were back home to ask him about this and reminded him how much I despise pornography. He quit for a while, or got better about hiding it. We didn't have another run in until a few months later, and it became a cycle. It stops for a while, but then rears its ugly head again a few months later.

My husband is a good man. He provides for his family in every way possible. It's just that sometimes his flesh gets the best of him. I have explained time and time again how his porn viewing makes me feel. It's not just the fact that he does but mostly that he hides and lies about it.

I understand the nature of addiction all too well. I am sober, of prescription pills and alcohol, 5 years now. I was previously in a relationship with a guy who was also a substance and alcohol addict. He was also very abusive; physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually. I come from an extended family of alcoholics. I understand addiction. I've lived it.

I HATE PORN. I believe it gives unrealistic expectations of sex. I also feel it diminishes my role as wife, in that if he needed to be sexually stimulated, he should receive that stimulation from me, not by looking at pictures of nude women doing lewd acts on his phone while he's stored himself in the bathroom at 4 o'clock in the morning. It is degrading to my self esteem. If he were fully satisfied with me, he would not need to do this. It's stressful to me, because i'm constantly caught up in "performing" or trying to equal up to what he views to keep him interested. I find myself compromising my own thoughts and feelings trying to please him. Needless to say, all of this accumulates and causes depression. It affects every facet of our lives. I struggle with my feelings of anger and hurt. My sex drive has plummeted. I get extremely jealous, and start to question things when his routine changes, like coming home from work late.

Every morning I have to wake up and choose how I am going to let this affect me. I have to choose if I am going to let it get to me or not that day. I can only take it one day at a time. Some days are better than others. Some days I consider divorce, some days I'd just rather lay down and die. I know in my heart these things are not the solution. I wonder when and where will be a turning point? All I can do for now is give it to God and pray for my husbands strength battling this problem, my strength to stay strong and continue to do what I believe to be true.

Please pray for my family and others in similar situations.

 

[Mayco]

I can speak for myself, as a man. I can assure you it is similar to your husband's ordeal.
When I found an issue with my wife and interpreted her expectation of a good husband as nagging, I withdrew.
Men withdraw when they perceive nagging. It may be correct, but they feel nagged.
I took it as nagging because "I was never wrong," and a "perfect man like me, could never be taught by some naive woman."
In my heart I actually believed that. How crazy was that?
So I withdrew into a world that was supposed to be like I wanted it to be.
No nagging, just happiness and pleasure.
My fantasies started to be a model of what life should be like.
I started to want my wife to do everything the girls in the pornos did.
What was it so difficult in that?
After all, I was her husband and the girls were doing it for money only.
See, in that thinking, I never respected my wife nor myself.
I fell victim as a child with no maturity and no self-control; a kid in a candy store justified by own thinking.
"Hey, this is what I need because my wife refuses to help me."
That is how I saw things.
Soon, if my wife could not do all I would see, she was somehow a failure now.
Here too is the poison men live in: it felt good.
I mean, if God made me with this ability to feel pleasure, how could it be worng?
The pleasure was justified becaeu of the stress things created.
Then the worst, was thinking pornography was a teacher of what my wife wanted and would like.
So now in my screwed up thinking, pornography was good for my marriage. That spark it needed.
If that is not the devil taking, then what is?
The hard art is, it never ends in this life.
We need to stay vigilant. Stay faithful.
We are forgiven. The biggest weapon the devil uses, is to make us think that what we have done is beyond the Lord's love and forgiveness.

 

[Gabriel777]

Nevermind the porn, what you should be worried about is that he is lying about it. That's not a good sign and it's something that needs to be fixed.

 

[Mayco]

That's easy...
He hides it because he thinks that by hiding it, he will spare her of pain and himself of his failure as a husband.
Then the devil makes him think he is actually doing an admirable thing by sparing his wife of hurt.
He is not mature enough to accepts his wife for who she is, so he lives in his own fantasy world.
He knows it and will never admit is. It is shameful if others know that.
Then he lives as if nothing is wrong, and that he satisfies his wife of all her desires, but he can't because it is all of HIS desires he is fulfilling
You know how I know?
Because it happened to me.
The day I found out I was such a hypocrite, was the day I realized God knew it all along.
And yet, he still loves me????
I don't get it sometimes.

 

[HEstolemyheart]

I feel at this point, short of a separation, there's not much more that I can do. All I can do now is keeping praying that one day my husbands heart will soften,and he will be led to find other ways to deal with his hurt, anger and dissatisfaction in life.

I know his past is marred and riddled with tragedy and suffering. These are things that I cannot change. I am in no way making excuses for his addiction or condoning them. I simply understand the spot he's in now, since I've been there. I just continue to pray for the strength to continue everyday as best as I can, and to daily turn my own hurts and feelings over to God. I have many times read the story of Hosea and Gomer and found comfort in that story. I still love my husband, I am committed to our marriage. I just pray that this goes no farther than what it is now.

Brothers and Sisters who also suffer with this and other addictions,
Please know that you are loved! Addictions hurt EVERYONE involved. What ever you are suffering from, whatever pain you are enduring, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Turn your suffering over to Christ, take it day by day, one step at a time. Start everyday by turning over your sufferings, your addictions, your hurts and pains. Pray for strength to move past the temptations, to find new ways to deal with things. I find by starting my day by spending time with Christ in prayer, praise and reading and the longer i spend in it, the stronger and longer I feel His presence throughout the day!

I will be praying for you!

 

[Mayco]

Can I suggest something that was suggested to me when we separated?
Call each other every day and make a dinner date once a week.
WE started to do this and it was working, then we went back at picking who was at fault.
Keep in touch or the dvil will tempt both of you into something you both will regret, especially him.
This may the chance to live out those adult fantasies. Old girlfriends will be called. Those "missed chances."
Those, "I wonder what would have happend had I gone out with...?"
He will start to blame you for making him live alone, JUST LIKE I DID.
Then he will justify an act because his answer will be "what did you expect when you asked me to leave?"
I used that one and truly believed that lie for a long, long time.
The devil does not come in like a storm.
He comes in like a butterfly, knowing all our weak points.
My previous pastor used to say that a separation was a practice divorce.
Know this, God still loves the BOTH of you.
This is a big part of adulthood: taking responsibilities for your actions.
No man goes into porn not knowing the risks.
I am sorry, but any man that tells you that is believing his own lies, because when lies are good enough, he'll believe them.
It will be a battle, but eventually all battles end. It is the ones who fight to the end that win.
I wish the 2013 Mike could go back and tell the 2007 Mike what to do.
Pray pray, pray. Be honest with God.
Mike

 

[Ugly]

You say you understand the nature of addiction, but then you say 'if i was satisfying him he wouldn't need porn'. So which is it? Because those two statements contradict each other. He's an addict, he does what he does, not because you aren't doing things right for him, but because he has an addiction. He needs a 'fix'. If he was an alcoholic you wouldn't say 'he needs to drink because i'm not a good enough wife'. So neither should you say he looks at porn because you aren't doing enough to please him.
Just like any other addiction he acts on an urge he can't, or has trouble controlling. It has nothing to do with the people around him and what they are, or are not doing. It has to do with that overwhelming urge. But just like how you couldn't wake up one day and say 'ok, i quit drugs' and never touch them again, same with him.
Likely he was doing this before you even married. So his addiction was likely around before you even knew him. At your ages, much of this seems to begin in the teens nowadays, since teens often have unmonitored, unlimited access to the internet.

 

[HEstolemyheart]

My rational brain knows this, but my irrational heart forgets to feel it... maybe that makes sense?

 

[HeIsNowHere]

Maybe he needs a little education with children sold into sexual slavery. I am a volunteer with *an anti-slavery organization* and we have a goal of rescuing 100,000 children from sexual slavery in 10 years. We are in year 3 and have rescued hundreds of children for sex slavery. Every 26 seconds a child is sold to slavery mostly sexual and porn is well connected to this trade.

Get involved and help and encourage your husband. He can be healed just needs some facts and repentance (turning away or changing direction).

 

[Marrek90]

My experience with porn addiction makes me believe that man can get victory over this sin only by turning to God. The fear of the Lord was what made me stop. One day I was filled with fear that I will be judged by God for my sin Rev 21:8 says that the sexually immoral person's portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death. For the mature in faith the fear would be that they will not have Christ in their life. No matter how much i loved my girlfriend , and no matter how hard I tried to overcome this sin with my own power , I could not gain victory over it ... Nowadays it's a matter of choice between God and the flesh. Thank God since the day I truly feared, He has been with me and He has always helped me make the right choice .

 

[sunnygurl]

My prayers are with you HEstolemy heart, that the stronghold of pornography in your husband's life will be broken and completely destroyed and that he will repent from this sexual sin, also that you will continue to love him as Christ loves him and to strengthen you in this journey to carry you, nurture you and uphold you as you fight this battle for your husband.
Your husband is truly blessed to have a wonderful, loving, understanding and praying wife.

 

[Ugly]

Maybe he needs a little education with children sold into sexual slavery. I am a volunteer with DestinyRescue.org (unpaid) and we have a goal of rescuing 100,000 children from sexual slavery in 10 years. We are in year 3 and have rescued hundreds of children for sex slavery. Help us. Go to our website and take the 26 second challenge as every 26 seconds a child is sold to slavery mostly sexual and porn is well connected to this trade.

Get involved and help and encourage your husband. He can be healed just needs some facts and repentance (turning away or changing direction).

This is a statement founded in no knowledge of addiction, and more on a continuing solicitation of a website, which seems to be something you like to push.

If you tell a drug addict that the gang members he's buying from recruit 12 year olds, is he just going to go 'oh, that stinks, i think i'll quit drugs'? No, addiction goes beyond knowing some bad facts surrounding the object of your addiction.
Many people who want to quit their addiction, and know the evils surrounding their addiction still can't quit. Getting over addiction is about accountability, some will power, a strong support system of friends and family, counseling, and maybe even months of rehab.
Also, your suggestion of pointing out sex slavery of children is a stretch if he's not viewing child porn. If he's viewing legal aged women, he's likely not going to make a connection between the two. So please don't make stretches when giving advice just as an excuse to post your sites link. It sounds like a good organization, but remember there are posted rules against soliciting. And from what i've seen of a number of your posts, thats exactly what it feels like.

 

[AAAPlus]

I was thinking about this in the shower this morning; an addiction is like taking a shower on a cold morning.

You're in there and you feel the warmth of the water on your skin and it's really nice. You don't want to get out because you know it will be painful. You gradually turn the heat up because even though the temperature of the water hasn't changed, your body slowly develops a tolerance for it, so you need to keep turning the heat up to keep that warm going. Just like in an addiction, you need to keep consuming harder and harder stuff to get that initial high. You have to eventually shut the water off though, just like for an addiction you have to stop cold turkey. I know a lot of folks addicted to cigarettes who think they can quit by smoking fewer and fewer of them, but it never works. In the shower scenario, you cant expect to just turn the water level down slowly and think that would make it easier. No, anyone can realize that turning the water level down will just make it worse; you won't have the warmth of the water AND you'll never get dry. You have to quit cold turkey; that's true for any addiction. But once you turn the water off, you will get dry, and once you're dry it won't be so bad. Then once you get your clothes on you'll find that it's way more comfortable than constantly trying to douse yourself with hot water.

 

[shae0104]

I heard porn addiction is the hardest type of addiction to get over, see its easily accessable, and can get it for free, on top of that its easily hideable. But dont cave because hes suffering. You are beautiful. God loves you just as you are. Don't let his struggles chip away at the person you are.

 

[my_adonai_]

i have had a lot of struggle with porn a lot, ai i hate it matterfact, but at times i feel drawn to it you know. i know better, like that it has many mental side effects, and etc. but it got the better of me.
but what God told me is that all it takes is humility really, the ability to tell GOD, i submit my whole unto you, this sin, this problem, and when the desires come one just runs to GOD, and humbles Himself before HIM, not rebelling, or thinking he knows better, just humility to GOD.

 

[Mayco]

What I am giving witness to, is what happened to me.
I was't addicted or traumatized.
I liked porn, because I liked the pleasure of the fantasies and physical pleasure it brought. That simple.
It is his selfishness (like mine) and self-absoprtion he needs to battle with.
If it is labeled as an "addiction" it becomes something outside of him, then he does not take accountability.
James said it best:

"When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed.Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death."

See, even though I thought I was the mature man, that would die for my wife, I wasn't any of that.
I was a coward and a fake.
It was all about me first, then my wife.
Then years later I got divorced.
Sometimes even when we think we are right, we need to be wrong.
Sometimes losing, is actually winning
That is surrendering, and it came to by pain only.

 

[HEstolemyheart]

Thank you each and every one. I greatly appreciate each and every prayer, thought, comment and advice.

Today, Today I am furious. I am finding more and more than I realized before hand.

Yes, I am snooping. Not just for the sake of snooping or curiosity, but to protect myself, and my kids.

 

[Nautilus]

wait what are you protecting your kids from? Your husband enjoys pron, unless he is also a terrible father and would share it with your children how are they in danger?

 

[JGPS]

It sounds like you think he is quite a fantastic guy. You've given quite a lot of evidence that he is. Clearly he's screwing up here, but are your thoughts of separation appropriate for the situation, and if so why?

I doubt anyone will listen, but its well worth once again pointing out that a behavioural addiction is not the same as substance addiction, and addressing it as such (as ugly is doing) is folly. There are similarities, but viewing them in the same way is something of a joke.

It's highly unlikely that he has actually hit the point of behavioural addiction anyway, more likely he is simply continually choosing the wrong thing because he wants too.

Anyway, rather than fuelling the fire I'm going to comment on a few of your comments, and possibly start a fire of my own. But if that happens so be it.

I believe it gives unrealistic expectations of sex. I also feel it diminishes my role as wife, in that if he needed to be sexually stimulated, he should receive that stimulation from me,

If you view stimulating him to be your right then it may be profitable to simply act like he's taking something away from you. If you catch him make him put down what he's looking at and take you instead. It's ultimately what you want. The nature of the situation makes it better for you to get angry and aggressive and demand he use you rather than to feel diminished and hurt and pushed aside. Anger is a passion and as such can be redirected into your favour, while injury only serves to isolate you.

It's stressful to me, because i'm constantly caught up in "performing" or trying to equal up to what he views to keep him interested. I find myself compromising my own thoughts and feelings trying to please him.

Have you tried to get him to do things you are interested in? If you can push your fantasies on him rather than just having him push his fantasies on you. It should go both ways, but if some things he likes make you uncomfortable perhaps looking into some new things you are comfortable with would help gain some control of the situation.

My sex drive has plummeted.

Yes, that is natural given how what he's doing is making you feel rejected. That is why I'm suggesting you look at what he's doing as taking away something that is your rather than rejecting you. Rejection stings, but theft can kindle a fire. You view his drives as rightfully yours? Then do all you can to take them. Exhaust him if you can. Very often a woman can routinely exhaust a man. If you managed that during the month then you have a lot of leverage if his eyes wander during the week off. You may even be able to shame him out of it at that point.

Viewing a situation from a different perspective can make a very substantial difference and allow you to deal with it in more effective ways. Being offended rather than rejected may at least offer you new energy and allow you to make some breakthroughs.

 

[BarlyGurl]

hmmmm... very clever... and potentially productive advice.