How do you know if he is an unbeliever?

[Crewezoo]

I believe I was a victim of emotional abuse. I'm not saying he isn't a good man but he just wasn't good for me. I never felt like I could do the right thing. He would say things like your opinion is wrong, You did alright but ......, that was good but...... Whatever I did was never good enough. I got so angry and even got to the point where I couldn't look anyone in the eye. I didn't even realize this until my pastor pointed it out. The longer I was away from him the more self confidence I got back.

My question is this. Even though someone goes to church on Sundays only and as far as I know never actually prays otherwise and claims to have read the bible does that make him a believer?

He tells me the bible says "you can never divorce me". I have strugggled with this for 4 years. I don't know what to do. I have put of divorcing him because of my faith. My family and friends all want me to settle this. I have forgiven him and try to be cordial calling him and asking him how things are. I have tried to apologize to him for my part. Of course he always says well you left, it is your fault and so on. I pray about this constantly. I have tried to change my life and grow closer to God but I still struggle with this. The closer I grow to God the more I seem to struggle.

 

[hattiebod]

This is a huge and very divisive issue. Getting an answer here will be a challenge, but you will get lots of opinion so for the record....here is mine I do not know your situation, only you know the truth about your marriage and why you left...(You have right?) sorry if I am not understanding! I suppose, if I was to leave my husband because he is not good enough, i would have gone years ago...does he put me down? sometimes. Do i put him down...sadly yes. The thing is though that he is, and neither am i, perfect. We married and I believe it was 'till death us do part'. Does this mean you have to stay in a marriage no matter what? No. That is not what I am saying. But I do think it is perhaps very easy to walk away instead of staying and letting God direct things. My man is not abusive, he does love me and I him. I am blessed but I could have left a few times....but we have been SO blessed because I did not. He is not a believer, neither was I when we married and I believe God placed us together for a reason. We are to be 'living witnesses ' of our faith. 24/7. I know when I struggle, its invariably because I am not in the will of God. When i get back on track, peace descends. I may not have got what I wanted...but I got what God wanted, and is that not what life is all about? Forgiveness, tolerance, gentleness, patience, self control....oh my!! if i could have them operating in me more consistently, what an amazing witness i would be to all around me! God Bless. <><

 

[homwardbound]

I believe I was a victim of emotional abuse. I'm not saying he isn't a good man but he just wasn't good for me. I never felt like I could do the right thing. He would say things like your opinion is wrong, You did alright but ......, that was good but...... Whatever I did was never good enough. I got so angry and even got to the point where I couldn't look anyone in the eye. I didn't even realize this until my pastor pointed it out. The longer I was away from him the more self confidence I got back.

My question is this. Even though someone goes to church on Sundays only and as far as I know never actually prays otherwise and claims to have read the bible does that make him a believer?

He tells me the bible says "you can never divorce me". I have strugggled with this for 4 years. I don't know what to do. I have put of divorcing him because of my faith. My family and friends all want me to settle this. I have forgiven him and try to be cordial calling him and asking him how things are. I have tried to apologize to him for my part. Of course he always says well you left, it is your fault and so on. I pray about this constantly. I have tried to change my life and grow closer to God but I still struggle with this. The closer I grow to God the more I seem to struggle.

Someone going to church sitting in a pew does not make them Christian anymore than someone going to Mcdonalds make them a hamburger.
Sorry forthe Spiritual abuse you have gone through. Maybe through this whole thing you can learn iof you are williong to cut out the middle man that is keeping you away from being joyful in the Lord and this middle man I am talking about is not your husband it is EMOTION. Emotion as the devil came it came to steal, kill and destroy. And this typr of Emotion that does this and has been doing this to you has gotten control of you. And I know you have tried to change your feelings over this to no avail and as long as you go by how you feel you will not ever be able to change them.
Let me explain:
Emotions are fickle they are feelings a result of thought period. Go to a scary movie and even though you know it is just a movie do your emotions? Or do your emotions predictably respond to whatever is going on in the movie?
You see we can never change how we feel, by trying to change how we feel. But we can change our thoughts which will change how one feels. This is why Goid said for us to renew our minds after we believe for that is what is needed to be done, since we have been programmed by this world and miserable a lot because os ones emotion veing taught to goby how we feel, that is like being on a roller coaster up one minute and down the next not good
So now that you are aware of this I assume you do beleive in Christ and want to kow God. First understsand this in the first thing to renew your mind in is you are by belief
Ephesians 1:6To the praise of the glory of his grace, wherein he hath made us accepted in the beloved.
The above is true with you because you believe
Tell me now does it matter what anyone else thinks when God has accepted you?
Now in knowing this are you going to be controlled by anyone elses thinking of what they say or do not say or better than this what you might think they think, does any of this matter now?
The part about the divorce whether or not to get it I can't say one way or the other, I understand waht you are going through I have been divorced. I am very thankful that God has past tense forgiven me back at the cross before I was ever born and God has done this for all peoples everyone.
So first get your mind a renewing to see from the perspective of God and then oyu will know what to do.
Love you Sister in Christ

 

[RedTent]

In a way I have gone through the same thing, but it is my sister and son who tell me I am not acceptable. Nothing I have found can make their decisions change. I have done everything I can think of to heal this and nothing has worked at all, even prayer.

I am finally able to be around them without reacting negatively. I simply allow them to be who they are, and keep myself as the person God created me to be. I relate to God as my primary relationship rather than to them. Their criticizing me is sort of like water on a ducks back. It is there, and if we are in the same room I simply find other subjects and don’t argue about my being worthwhile. If they want to cut me, I simply allow them that without reacting. I am free to love the people they are aside from their judgment of me and accept that they judge me.

Learning to react this way to them is not easy. I used a three day backpack trip on a trail no one else used as my training ground. I was frightened to be alone on a trip, so I bought a large dog to go with me. There I could talk it out with them, I could shout at them. ‘God created me to be me, I have a right to follow God and you have no right to interfere with that.” Things that only makes them argue and fight when I tried saying it face to face with them. I talked it out with myself and God.

 

[HoldingOn2013]

I believe I was a victim of emotional abuse. I'm not saying he isn't a good man but he just wasn't good for me. I never felt like I could do the right thing. He would say things like your opinion is wrong, You did alright but ......, that was good but...... Whatever I did was never good enough. I got so angry and even got to the point where I couldn't look anyone in the eye. I didn't even realize this until my pastor pointed it out. The longer I was away from him the more self confidence I got back.

My question is this. Even though someone goes to church on Sundays only and as far as I know never actually prays otherwise and claims to have read the bible does that make him a believer?

He tells me the bible says "you can never divorce me". I have strugggled with this for 4 years. I don't know what to do. I have put of divorcing him because of my faith. My family and friends all want me to settle this. I have forgiven him and try to be cordial calling him and asking him how things are. I have tried to apologize to him for my part. Of course he always says well you left, it is your fault and so on. I pray about this constantly. I have tried to change my life and grow closer to God but I still struggle with this. The closer I grow to God the more I seem to struggle.

Yes God does not want people to divorce. There are guidelines in the bible for such a thing. You have to pray about it and have God show you what he wants YOU to do. There are people who will never say divorce is ok. NEVER! Then there are those who say if you set the example and pray long enough he will change and you can have a long happy life together.

I am remarried now, yes I was married previously and divorced. Its not an easy thing to go through. But at some point you have to make a decision and then he will need to make a choice. Pray about it until you find peace on whatever your decision is. Because you will get some backlash either way and you have to be prepared to handle it.

God Bless.........

 

[Lucy68]

It's good that you're figuring out some things...and I pray that you and your husband can work together and heal your marriage. Are you going to counseling together?

It's unfortunate but I think in some relationships the person with the stronger personality can 'oppress' the other ...maybe not intentionally but it's just their personality to dominate in a relationship. You do need to build up your self confidence and self image while working on forgiving your husband. Not easy but with God's leading you, you can do it!

Praying for you both; may the Spirit lead you into a healing marriage.

 

[intercessorginger]

Jesus said, By their "fruit" you shall know them. How does this apply to our everyday lives?
If you were hungry and your friend had an orange tree full of beautiful luscious fruit and you picked one all ready to eat that juicy delight, then..when you pealed it..it was full of dirty socks..what would you say? You would say...this is BOGUS! This is a rotten, stinking, smelly, useless tree! You might get a saw and saw it down..at least it might be good for firewood.
It's the same when people pretend to be what they are not...their "fruit" is unmistakable!
By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thorn bushes, or figs from thistles? Matthew 7:16
The bible allows us to divorce an unbeliever.

 

[Ugly]

I believe I was a victim of emotional abuse. I'm not saying he isn't a good man but he just wasn't good for me. I never felt like I could do the right thing. He would say things like your opinion is wrong, You did alright but ......, that was good but...... Whatever I did was never good enough. I got so angry and even got to the point where I couldn't look anyone in the eye. I didn't even realize this until my pastor pointed it out. The longer I was away from him the more self confidence I got back.

My question is this. Even though someone goes to church on Sundays only and as far as I know never actually prays otherwise and claims to have read the bible does that make him a believer?

He tells me the bible says "you can never divorce me". I have strugggled with this for 4 years. I don't know what to do. I have put of divorcing him because of my faith. My family and friends all want me to settle this. I have forgiven him and try to be cordial calling him and asking him how things are. I have tried to apologize to him for my part. Of course he always says well you left, it is your fault and so on. I pray about this constantly. I have tried to change my life and grow closer to God but I still struggle with this. The closer I grow to God the more I seem to struggle.

Let me correct you on something. He is not a good man! Period. He didn't treat you that way because you were so bad, or you two were incompatible, he treated you that way because he is abusive.
He will never stop making you the bad guy for everything that goes on in his life. Any genuine mistakes you make he will never let you live down. He will lie, and use fear to control and manipulate you.

Is he a Christian because he goes to church? Well, does sitting in a garage make you a car? Anyone can go sit in a building once a week and put a label on themselves. That doesn't prove anything. Evidence of salvation is the fruits of the Holy Spirit, and none of those include abuse, anger, control, insults, manipulation, fear tactics, guilt trips and blame shifting.

 

[Crewezoo]

Thank you all for your responses. I realize that he will never forgive me or change. I need to continue to grow in my relationship with God and not let him get in my way.

We went to counseling with a Christian counselor and he doesn't even feel like our marriage can be saved so I need to let it go and move on. It is so very hard but I know with God's help I will heal and grow closer to him.

 

[Stephen]

Crewezoo, I am truly sorry to hear of your situation. Based on what you have posted I would be cautious of those advising you to divorce and break the covenant between you, him, and our Father. Gods word instructs us in this area. I encourage you to instead focus on your relationship with God and if you must separate for a time then so be it. But I would encourage you to grow in the faith and knowledge of the Father before making a decision on divorce. I have talked with too many divorcees who have a similar story only to find out after divorce that they did not wait on God.

 

[homwardbound]

Crewezoo, I am truly sorry to hear of your situation. Based on what you have posted I would be cautious of those advising you to divorce and break the covenant between you, him, and our Father. Gods word instructs us in this area. I encourage you to instead focus on your relationship with God and if you must separate for a time then so be it. But I would encourage you to grow in the faith and knowledge of the Father before making a decision on divorce. I have talked with too many divorcees who have a similar story only to find out after divorce that they did not wait on God.

yes and regardless of: we are called to peace and I am prayiing for God's will in this for both parties for God does just love us all
1 Corinthians 7:15But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace.

 

[Domenic]

I believe I was a victim of emotional abuse. I'm not saying he isn't a good man but he just wasn't good for me. I never felt like I could do the right thing. He would say things like your opinion is wrong, You did alright but ......, that was good but...... Whatever I did was never good enough. I got so angry and even got to the point where I couldn't look anyone in the eye. I didn't even realize this until my pastor pointed it out. The longer I was away from him the more self confidence I got back.

My question is this. Even though someone goes to church on Sundays only and as far as I know never actually prays otherwise and claims to have read the bible does that make him a believer?

He tells me the bible says "you can never divorce me". I have strugggled with this for 4 years. I don't know what to do. I have put of divorcing him because of my faith. My family and friends all want me to settle this. I have forgiven him and try to be cordial calling him and asking him how things are. I have tried to apologize to him for my part. Of course he always says well you left, it is your fault and so on. I pray about this constantly. I have tried to change my life and grow closer to God but I still struggle with this. The closer I grow to God the more I seem to struggle.

Your husband is right. You can't devorce him unless he does adultery. But darling you don’t have to stay in a situation were there is physical abuse. As to the manner he treats you, well nobody said being a Christian was going to be an easy road. Go to God. Here is what you tell him. “Father, I can’t handle this situation, so I’m going to put my burden on you.” Step back two feet, and wait for God to fix things…he will. Just don’t get upset with the way God does it. What ever God allows, he has a good reason for it. Read the story of Joseph in Egypt.Remember, God is allowing it for a reason. If it gets physical, just once…leave.

 

[sunnygurl]

There has been many wise words written in response. I agree going to church makes you a church goer this does not determine ones depth of relationship with God that is a far more important, personal and daily journey. Jesus constantly rebuked the Church goers, elders and priests of His day.

You are wise to chose to rest in God He can heal your hurting heart, full your mind with wisdom and knowledge and most of all give you peace that surpasses your circumstances. Hold on tight to Jesus He will never let you down, abuse you nor mistreat you. You are precious to the Lord

 

[Minich]

I highly recommend the book Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas.