My son needs wisdom...

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Nancyer

Guest
#1
#1
Ok, my son is 18 and suppose to graduate this June. At least that is the plan. It's getting closer and the school just sent home the list of dates and prices for all the festivities. My sister has offered to pay for Grad Night, the cap & gown rental, announcements, etc. and take us all out to dinner after the ceremony, make it a real celebration. I praise God for her on a daily basis. However, my son has no interest in all this. He says he'd like to go to the Grad Night party at Disneyland if he can it but it's no big deal if he doesn't.

I tried talking to him about the Graduation ceremony, how he'll regret it if he doesn't go and sending out the announcements is a big deal, family members expect them. I also explained that family and friends can be very generous when it comes to graduation. He said that everyone will be asking him what he's going to do now and since he has no plans or job this will ruin the night because he'll have no answer. He can get very silent and sullen when he's in a bad mood or something rubs him the wrong way and then he refuses to talk. He can get teary eyed easily when upset as well, which I think worries him.

I'm praying for God to give him the wisdom he needs to get through this, do what he needs to do and to realize this is important and he will regret it if he blows it off. Any other ideas on how to get him more excited about this would be greatly appreciated, I'm heart broken that he just doesn't seem to care. (not that this is a new attitude, I've fought against this since his freshman year).

There is the possibility that he won't graduate, his grades are not what they should be but he is doing better this semester, has an extra class to make up credits and has everything in place to do it.

Thank you for "listening", please pray for him. I wish I could get him excited enough to want to do this and appreciate what is being offered to him. Again, thanks to everyone.
 
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Ugly

Guest
#2
#2
So, your concern is he has no interest in all the graduation activities? Not everyone shares the same priorities. When i was in school i had no concern for most school based activities. I didn't care about watching the sports teams, joining the clubs, going to prom or dances. I did my graduation ceremony, but more out of obligation than desire. I don't regret missing any of it, and i would have been fine missing the graduation ceremony. I don't think its quite right to push what you find important on another. People have different priorities and interests, so why not just let him be who he is, and not who you want him to be? Long as he gets through school that should be top priority, not activities.
 
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ElizabethloveAlelina

Guest
#3
#3
I agree with ugly.. but I'm still pray for him. But believe that he does care. He just not showing his emotions.
 
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Lucy68

Senior Member
#4
Jan 21, 2011
2,538
22
0
#4
Looks like you've tried about everything. Maybe he'll go through the ceremony for your sake if not his own. He shouldn't disappoint his parents. And really, will it kill him to go through it? Anyway, praying that he decides to and will be friendly with you and your relatives. Most high school graduates don't know what they'll be doing in the next year. "Job hunting" is a good response to questions. He does need to make some plans though. Either working or going to school.

I'm afraid many young men are happy staying home playing computer games all day long. Hope that isn't your situation. My son is in college but when he's home on breaks this is exactly what he does.

Praying for wisdom and guidance for you.
 
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Ariel82

Guest
#5
#5
I think he doesn't want to have to answer the question of what he plans to do after graduation and perhaps fear of the unknown has him down.

Some people take a year off and travel Europe or see the world before deciding on a career. Perhaps encourage him to get a job and save so he can do that?

he could even go to Disney world in his travels.

I think if he has a plan for the future he may get more excited about graduation.

Also if his grades are bad, he may need a tutor or may not think he is GOING to graduate and doesn't want to get excited just to be disappointed.

Its hard to get into the plans if you don't think you deserve the acclaim.
 
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destinyinjesus86

Guest
#6
#6
Hi Nancyer,
Have completed graduation myself a few years back. Was just like your son. I mean used to be teary eyed and all that. Honestly, you need to make your son relax and understand why he behaves like this. I did not have a parent, emotional and caring as you. No graduation party for me for that matter. But, am happy you are a caring mother to your kid. The greatest party is to make a person understand and he does. To me, well, I read christian books and found my answers to my sadness. Also counselling was required for my behaviour. The 'he gets sullen and teary eyed quickly' catches my attention even more. You really need to have a Godly talk with your kid. Its more important as to what I feel, cause the main party lies when he would graduate in Godly wisdom !
 
leelee

leelee

Senior Member
#7
Sep 5, 2011
1,258
8
38
34
#7
I nearly didn't graduate university, you say he gets teary when you talk to him about it, have you considered the fact that maybe he doesn't want to make plans and get excited when he doesn't even know if he is going to graduate? He wont want people to spend lots of money if he fails. Talk to him about his fears, it sounds to me that he feels pressured and lost. That is how I felt.
 
homwardbound

homwardbound

Senior Member
#8
Oct 24, 2012
14,888
86
48
#8
It sounds to me that he has through family functions been put on the spot and thus heard all others opinions on what to do. If he said I am thinkig about this and someone probably countered with what they thought best with no encouragement of what he thought, and has had this go on too long. This is what you said he said and this is his cry for help
Who's life is it your's your families or his?
I know of a woman that was put in emergency care and was not and had not eaten for days all curled up and not talking to anyone.
Well upon someone I know asked her ?.s about how she got here. The story went like this
Her Daughter was going to be married and her Daughter wante4d champayne at the wedding, but the mothers church does not beleive in drinking period. Then her Daughter did not want to get Marruied at Mom's Church.
you see where this is going and how Mom got here right, hope so?
Then she was asked well who's wedding is this yours or your daughters? Hers and problem solved and today they are very close and Daughter had the wedding at the Church andat the reception drinks were allowed. Freedom to be you is what changes you does it not?
 
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Nancyer

Guest
#9
#9
Great big thanks to everyone for your responses. I think he does fear not graduating and what he'll do next. He may very well take the year off, find a job, figure out his future and save for it, which of course are perfectly legitimate answers. He jokingly talks about when he moves out, but at the same time that scares the you-know-what out of him. I remember feeling the same way, until I did it.

All your points make sense, and I will talk more with my son about them. I'll keep you posted as to how he does. Graduation is June 6th. He's on Spring Break all next week and we will be working diligently on his Senior Thesis paper and talk more about the year to come.

Again, thank you all, and God bless you.
 
Domenic

Domenic

Banned
#10
Oct 14, 2012
335
4
0
#10
As a boy, I told my darling grandfather, “Papa, I want wisdom.” He gave me a dictionary. I looked the word wisdom up. “The ability to use the knowledge you now have.” I went back to my darling grandfather, and said, “Papa I have wisdom.”
I would not push your son at this point. None come out of childhood the same time. Me? I’m 77, and just starting to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. My four year old grandson and I… play cowboy often. I even taught him how to spit like a cowboy.
It sounds like school does not have good memories for your son, like it may have for you.
Let the boy find his own way. It sound like he is carrying some hurt around. Love heals better than push.
 
M

Meshullam

Banned
#11
Mar 8, 2013
244
6
0
#11
Nancyer said:
Ok, my son is 18 and suppose to graduate this June. At least that is the plan. It's getting closer and the school just sent home the list of dates and prices for all the festivities. My sister has offered to pay for Grad Night, the cap & gown rental, announcements, etc. and take us all out to dinner after the ceremony, make it a real celebration. I praise God for her on a daily basis. However, my son has no interest in all this. He says he'd like to go to the Grad Night party at Disneyland if he can it but it's no big deal if he doesn't.

I tried talking to him about the Graduation ceremony, how he'll regret it if he doesn't go and sending out the announcements is a big deal, family members expect them. I also explained that family and friends can be very generous when it comes to graduation. He said that everyone will be asking him what he's going to do now and since he has no plans or job this will ruin the night because he'll have no answer. He can get very silent and sullen when he's in a bad mood or something rubs him the wrong way and then he refuses to talk. He can get teary eyed easily when upset as well, which I think worries him.

I'm praying for God to give him the wisdom he needs to get through this, do what he needs to do and to realize this is important and he will regret it if he blows it off. Any other ideas on how to get him more excited about this would be greatly appreciated, I'm heart broken that he just doesn't seem to care. (not that this is a new attitude, I've fought against this since his freshman year).

There is the possibility that he won't graduate, his grades are not what they should be but he is doing better this semester, has an extra class to make up credits and has everything in place to do it.

Thank you for "listening", please pray for him. I wish I could get him excited enough to want to do this and appreciate what is being offered to him. Again, thanks to everyone.
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It sounds like he just wants space from expectations.

I know myself how much expectation can weigh a person down, whether it's in love, in friendships or in family. When people put conditions on someone it can be very hard to feel accepted and loved if we don't live up to those conditions. And it is destructive.

I just came out of a relationship that I thought was going fantastic and I've realised that my partner's expectations weren't met. She wanted something from me and in turn she wasn't able to give me what she had to give. She was always waiting for something rather than living in the moment.

I have learnt that the moment is all we have. It is all that we can be certain of. Right now I am here and I feel heartbroken, but I can be certain of that heartbreak.

When we look to the future for expectation, we put our hopes in things that are not present, and that therefore are not even real. They have not happened yet.

Your son doesn't need expectations and conditions put on him, he needs support and love. To 'want' him to do something is enough to make him feel as though he has to do that. But is it not his choice whether he goes to this ceremony or not?

And if he regrets it, won't that just be part of a learning experience for him? That is a valuable learning experience that you shouldn't deprive him of. The best thing that you can do is just accept his decisions and support him in them, whatever they may be.

Otherwise, resentment can grow between you.

Often we find that there is some form of communicative barrier or misunderstanding in relationships that first must be broken down. Ask him what he wants, and simply listen. Do not suggest advice or ways to 'make him' do anything. Just listen to what he has to say and let him know that you are with him every step of the way.

Don't expect this will 'change his mind'. If you are doing it to 'change his mind', then you are doing it for a selfish reason. for you own 'projections' and your own 'desires' for your son. But he has desires for himself, that he will be much happier pursuing. It's your job to allow him to feel comfortable enough to tell you what they are, and to give him as much as you can in order to support him for him to do those things.
 
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