What is our spiritual responsibility in this?

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Tearose84

Guest
#1
#1
My honey's brother has come to live in a home here where we live. He can't live with us. It is a home for mentally handicapped people and he is unable to take care of himself. But he is also free to come and go as he pleases. He has his own room and we take him shopping for whatever he needs. Sometimes we use his money (social security) and other times he doesn't have enough money so our money is being used to get him what he wants.
So honey takes him to the stores to buy food, clothing etc. Most of the time his brother wants to buy ciggarettes, beer and magazines of the disgusting kind. He gets really drunk on the beer and says he can't live without it and the magazines....ick.
My honey says his brother is addicted, that he doesn't want to be clean, and so he needs these things and if he wants them we should get them for him.
I feel that by buying him these things we are in sin. Is there a line..or are we also in sin by being a part of it? I just think if Jesus was right behind me in the checkout line there is no way I would do it. Actually I don't. And I would easily tell his brother no. But honey buys him whatever he wants. He feels we don't have the right to tell his brother what he can do with his money. And sometimes it is our money when his SS runs out.
So to me it is the "action" of us doing this. Or is his brother the only one responsible for his own sin?
I should say also that his brother is NOT a Christian and wants nothing to do with it.
 
RickyZ

RickyZ

Senior Member
#2
Sep 20, 2012
9,635
787
113
#2
Aiding and abetting sin is a sin. You should tell him that you are going to provide a certain amount of food for him each month, and he is free to do whatever he wants with his money, with the understanding that if he spends it unwisely and ends up starving then he spent it unwisely and gets to starve.
 
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Tearose84

Guest
#3
#3
I was just thinking "if your right hand causes your left hand to sin, chop it off"
 
CatHerder

CatHerder

Senior Member
#4
Mar 20, 2013
3,551
79
48
#4
Hi Tearose -

I work with developmentally disabled adults. I would answer your question differently as a care provider than I would as a family (or extended family) member.

As a care provider, I would have a talk with him about budgeting (especially if he had ISP - individual support plan goals) and how he should prioritize his needs over his wants when it comes to spending. Our program has a "person centered" philosophy, which means that we must honor their ultimate decisions (as long as it does not compromise their health or safety). So, hypothetically, yes - I would begrudgingly take said individual to make these purchases as a caregiver. He would then have to deal with the financial consequences of running out of spending money too quickly.

As a family member, no. I would certainly not assist him in these purchases. Also, knowing that his basic needs will be met by the state no matter how responsible or irresponsible he is with money, I would not take him shopping for other items if I knew he was making these other purchases with his home staff.

I don't know if this helped or not. I hope so.

Steve
 
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Tearose84

Guest
#5
#5
I think mostly I want to know if we are in sin when we are with him when he is buying sinful things...such as the magazines.
 
RickyZ

RickyZ

Senior Member
#6
Sep 20, 2012
9,635
787
113
#6
If you are just with him, no you are not sinning. But you can't help him get to where he buys this stuff.
 
J

jinx

Guest
#7
#7
Can't make your honey do anything he don't want to do. all you can do is draw the line for yourself and voice your concern about it. Tell him you don't want anything to do with it and that you will not participate in "getting of" these items. In the end, your honey can't ride your shirt-tail to heaven. Take care of yourself.
 
N

Nancyer

Guest
#8
#8
CatHerder said:
Hi Tearose -

I work with developmentally disabled adults. I would answer your question differently as a care provider than I would as a family (or extended family) member.

As a care provider, I would have a talk with him about budgeting (especially if he had ISP - individual support plan goals) and how he should prioritize his needs over his wants when it comes to spending. Our program has a "person centered" philosophy, which means that we must honor their ultimate decisions (as long as it does not compromise their health or safety). So, hypothetically, yes - I would begrudgingly take said individual to make these purchases as a caregiver. He would then have to deal with the financial consequences of running out of spending money too quickly.

As a family member, no. I would certainly not assist him in these purchases. Also, knowing that his basic needs will be met by the state no matter how responsible or irresponsible he is with money, I would not take him shopping for other items if I knew he was making these other purchases with his home staff.

I don't know if this helped or not. I hope so.

Steve
Click to expand...
Excellent answer, Steve. I, too, used to work with developmentally disabled adults and I agree 100%. As a worker we are limited but as a family member you CAN and SHOULD say no to things he shouldn't be buying, whatever the reason.

I will be praying for all of you, that you find strength and that he understands, on some level, that you and God love him and want what's best for him.
 
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Tearose84

Guest
#9
#9
Thanks you guys! I voiced my thoughts, feelings and opinions on the matter to which my honey agreed with everything I said. Then his brother called and wanted money for his beer and cigs because he spent the money we gave him and honey said he would be right over there to give him money. He shouldn't have because his brother spent the money he had. BUT all I can do is say I told my thoughts, it did no good, and that is all I can do.
 
L

LorHope

Guest
#10
#10
RickyZ hit it right on the head!...

It's his money. He can do whatever he wants with it. But, if I were in your shoes, Gosh guilt would be eating away at me for giving him things I knew were wrong. At least in my eyes, that I knew were wrong.

It's your home, it's your heart. And it's his money.

So let him guy what he needs, and tell him gently, but firmly you can't do that for him, for the sake of your heart and your lord. I hope this helps =)
 
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Tearose84

Guest
#11
#11
Well, the problem is...he runs out of HIS money. Then he expects us to buy him all that other stuff. He only gets $700 a month. $500 goes to his rent. That gives him $200 to live off, which he spends within 2 weeks. So that means he needs us to help him and it makes me angry our money goes to this stuff. Yes, Lorhope you have helped. All of you have. Thank you
 
W

wit2Christlv

Guest
#12
#12
Just think of it this way, your assisting him into hell. You need to love him by telling him no. Pray for God's help on this situation and seek help for him. Plus its not good for his health espeacially if hes not healthy as it is. Its hard to overcome addictions and even harder to tell someone you love their habits are bad for them.
 
TheAristocat

TheAristocat

Senior Member
#13
Oct 4, 2011
2,150
26
0
#13
Tearose84 said:
My honey's brother has come to live in a home here where we live. He can't live with us. It is a home for mentally handicapped people and he is unable to take care of himself. But he is also free to come and go as he pleases. He has his own room and we take him shopping for whatever he needs. Sometimes we use his money (social security) and other times he doesn't have enough money so our money is being used to get him what he wants.
So honey takes him to the stores to buy food, clothing etc. Most of the time his brother wants to buy ciggarettes, beer and magazines of the disgusting kind. He gets really drunk on the beer and says he can't live without it and the magazines....ick.
My honey says his brother is addicted, that he doesn't want to be clean, and so he needs these things and if he wants them we should get them for him.
I feel that by buying him these things we are in sin. Is there a line..or are we also in sin by being a part of it? I just think if Jesus was right behind me in the checkout line there is no way I would do it. Actually I don't. And I would easily tell his brother no. But honey buys him whatever he wants. He feels we don't have the right to tell his brother what he can do with his money. And sometimes it is our money when his SS runs out.
So to me it is the "action" of us doing this. Or is his brother the only one responsible for his own sin?
I should say also that his brother is NOT a Christian and wants nothing to do with it.
Click to expand...
I can empathize with the guy. In his situation he probably thinks he doesn't have a whole lot of hope ahead. Hence the bad habits/addictions. There are other people just like him out there. I wonder if you guys could introduce him to any. Also, don't use your own money to buy him these things. He should at least understand that. But then again I don't know how understanding or intelligent the man is.
 
Last edited:
kardiaoangelous

kardiaoangelous

Banned
#14
Mar 15, 2013
1,245
14
0
#14
This is the challenge: Matthew 24:12 "And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold."

I am experienced in that area both as a substance abuser and as an enabler. I doubt anyone appreciates the saying, "Hindsight is 20/20", more than I do, today.

It tears our hearts out to love anyone who does not love their own self. Such a one can genuinely feel that they love you but their love is powerless as it first serves only their own self.

I have a son who is now committed to an institution because I was not available to help him when he needed it most. So I do understand the need to be there for our loved ones in a way that benefits them and the legacy of a painful conscience which comes home to live with us when we were not.

Have you requested guardianship through the Probate Court?

That would give you ability to make him show proof of how he uses his money as a prerequisite of getting additional hand-outs through you.

You don't want to let the state itself step in and take that action. That is what I did with my son and for all of their good intentions, bureaucracy and government budgeting determined his lot more so than did what was really in his best interests.

You and he are in my prayers.

May God show you the way.
 
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Tearose84

Guest
#15
#15
What happens is he gets his social security check in the mail. he and his brother (honey) go to the bank and cash it. they then take the money to pay rent and the rest is his. We only give him $25 of his SS a week to buy what he wants, but it is not enough so we end up giving him our money. It is a super financial drain on us. he takes his money and spends it on all this stuff very quickly. It is frustrating and I try very hard not to let bitterness and resentment come into my head and heart.
 
A

Ariel82

Guest
#16
#16
is your "honey" another way to say your "husband"?

and does "our" money mean you have a joint bank account or that your "honey" makes the money and decides to give some to his brother? if its joint, get a separate one. if you don't work, perhaps getting a job would help with the financial strain?

it sounds like the bigger problem is not his brother but your 'honey's" inability to say no to him, which is placing a strain on your finances and relationship.

you can try and talk to your honey again about how he is HURTING his brother by helping him stay addicted, but mostly they both need some counseling so they can learn how not to be codependent upon each other (one in an enabler and the other is a taker).

I personally would find a way to be financially independent so that it would not be because of money that I voiced my concern but because of the unhealthy habits.

However I would also keep in mind since he does not know Jesus and is clearly unrepentant, it is not likely he will change.

the best thing to do is pray for him and ask God if He wants you to stay in a relationship with your "honey" if you are not married or how to keep the issue from tearing your marriage apart if you are.
 
I

intercessorginger

Guest
#17
#17
Wow, this is complicated! First of all, the disabled brother need Jesus! I have ministered to many mentally disabled people and there is a beautiful change in them when they come to Jesus. Besides that, you can help and support him ( I'm sure he really needs it) but you do not have to contribute to his sin (substance abuses, porno, etc) by paying for them. jAs a matter of fact if you really love him, you will refuse to help him fall into greater sin. Be a friend, I'm sure he could use one and invite him to church and Christian events where he can know that God loves him...just the way he is!
 
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