I told my husband that I'm depressed and need help. I then told him that I researched some counselors and scheduled a consultation with the only one (of 5) that returned my call. I scheduled the consultation 2 days before I told my husband and after doing about 3 days of research. The consultation is scheduled for several days from now. My husband got really upset and is now not speaking to me. He says I should have told him sooner. Perhaps he's right. I was afraid to tell him because I feared that he would make my struggle all about him. Frankly, I feel he reacted exactly the way I expected and hoped to avoid. In any case, I am having a hard time seeing what I did wrong. I could use some perspective on this. I'm sure the news hit him hard. His reaction, though, has only made things much worse for me. How can I find balance here?
In need of a little perspective
- Thread starter KJ22
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M
I don't know, and can't really guess, much about your situation, but I know that a situation like this in my own marriage would make my husband feel like I don't trust or respect him.
Also, that's a pretty big decision for a wife to not discuss with her husband. I can see why he's upset about you not telling him sooner.
I can't give you a man's perspective on this, but I can give you a wife's: you really ought to have discussed it with him, at the very least, just to show you value his opinion.
Also, that's a pretty big decision for a wife to not discuss with her husband. I can see why he's upset about you not telling him sooner.
I can't give you a man's perspective on this, but I can give you a wife's: you really ought to have discussed it with him, at the very least, just to show you value his opinion.
P
I feel sad that you have to justify your actions. Its a big red flad to me that you were afraid to tell your husband, and now he is not speaking to you. Very poor communication skills; no wonder you are struggling with some depression. There is probably alot more going on in your relationship than you can articulate at this moment.
Frankly, the very fact he reacted the way he did is questionable. Second, why did he make this about him??? YOU are the one seeking the support right now. Get the support you need, there are some good counselors out there. Pray that God directs you to the right one.
Blessings Sister. Marriage isn't supposed to be stifling.
Frankly, the very fact he reacted the way he did is questionable. Second, why did he make this about him??? YOU are the one seeking the support right now. Get the support you need, there are some good counselors out there. Pray that God directs you to the right one.
Blessings Sister. Marriage isn't supposed to be stifling.
B
Men are hardwired to want to be hero's even if that just means problem solving or investigating solutions. I think it is safe to say that regardless of his ability to adequately communicate the issue... He feels slighted by your independent actions and hurt that you didn't seek help from him first. And truly... fears aside... you should have. Try admitting to him both errors on your part and apologizing... hopefully it will soothe his angst and give you both a fresh start with the issue.
U
This isn't a 'man' issue. I can tell you that as a man, and as a 20 year depressive person. Depressed people are very sensitive to how they are treated, and can very easily take the way someone treats them or talks to them, in a wrong light. Even if you mean well. Being depressed makes you feel vulnerable, and people being deceptive, even for good reasons, scratches on that vulnerable feeling. They feel weak and powerless, and when someone goes behind their back to 'help' it only makes them feel that you see them as weak and powerless as well.
Also, many depressed people want to hide it. And when someone see's it, it increases that sense of being vulnerable. You have to take your husbands reactions, not just this one, but how he acts in general, the same way you might to a person who has a really bad cold or flu. They feel bad, and it makes them grumpy and overreact to things that might not normally bother them. Not because of you, just a reaction to how they feel. You husband is in a similar position, except much worse. Much of how he reacts is less about you and more about him. I know its hard, but the less personal you can take it, the easier it will be to deal with him for you.
Remember, along with being vulnerable, depressives have this internal apathy, and lack of belief that anything will help. You cannon approach a depressive person by being pushy, sneaky or deceptive. And you have to realize that most of your attempts to be a positive encouragement will not get through. But that doesn't mean not to try. Some will get through, it just takes a while for it to 'build up' internally, enough to cause them to act to get help.
So right now compassion, empathy, patience.. not being deceptive, even for good reasons, and not being frustrated and pushy, are the best you can do. Along with not taking things personally. Even though you know you did things for the right reason, he will not see it, and if he does, he won't be able to admit it to you, or even to himself. So best thing is to apologize, and promise to never go behind his back like that again. Think about a time in your life when you felt very vulnerable, and how every action from someone was examined. You got past it, but a person with depression lives it every day. Just keep that in mind and how you would want to be treated when you feel vulnerable.
Also, many depressed people want to hide it. And when someone see's it, it increases that sense of being vulnerable. You have to take your husbands reactions, not just this one, but how he acts in general, the same way you might to a person who has a really bad cold or flu. They feel bad, and it makes them grumpy and overreact to things that might not normally bother them. Not because of you, just a reaction to how they feel. You husband is in a similar position, except much worse. Much of how he reacts is less about you and more about him. I know its hard, but the less personal you can take it, the easier it will be to deal with him for you.
Remember, along with being vulnerable, depressives have this internal apathy, and lack of belief that anything will help. You cannon approach a depressive person by being pushy, sneaky or deceptive. And you have to realize that most of your attempts to be a positive encouragement will not get through. But that doesn't mean not to try. Some will get through, it just takes a while for it to 'build up' internally, enough to cause them to act to get help.
So right now compassion, empathy, patience.. not being deceptive, even for good reasons, and not being frustrated and pushy, are the best you can do. Along with not taking things personally. Even though you know you did things for the right reason, he will not see it, and if he does, he won't be able to admit it to you, or even to himself. So best thing is to apologize, and promise to never go behind his back like that again. Think about a time in your life when you felt very vulnerable, and how every action from someone was examined. You got past it, but a person with depression lives it every day. Just keep that in mind and how you would want to be treated when you feel vulnerable.
When you got married you became one. This includes talking with him about the problems you are facing and how you would like to handle them. I firmly believe that you should have discussed it with him first and prayed about it with him, if he is willing. If he is not willing to accept what you had told him and does not want to pray about it with you, you take it to God and listen to what He has to say.
That is what I believe should have happened in the first place, but since you are now in this predicament, this is what I would do:
Go to God in prayer to give you strength, tact, and that He will soften your husbands heart. Then go to your husband and apologize for not talking to him first, then start discussing it with him if you both are not at this point angry.
The Bible says not to let the sun go down on your anger, so you both have been separate more than long enough on this issue. Things like this can put a huge wedge between a husband and wife and Satan is just waiting with a sledge hammer.
I hope this helps.
That is what I believe should have happened in the first place, but since you are now in this predicament, this is what I would do:
Go to God in prayer to give you strength, tact, and that He will soften your husbands heart. Then go to your husband and apologize for not talking to him first, then start discussing it with him if you both are not at this point angry.
The Bible says not to let the sun go down on your anger, so you both have been separate more than long enough on this issue. Things like this can put a huge wedge between a husband and wife and Satan is just waiting with a sledge hammer.
I hope this helps.
Thank you all for your insight. I see where I went wrong. I will pray about this and especially for freedom from this depression. Despite my best efforts, it's slowly taking control. I do believe God can deliver me from this, but I know I need help outside of my prayer closet. Hopefully the counseling will help.
P
You didn't do wrong. You are a woman with intelligence, and the ability to make a decision for yourself.
The Lord is sure in his promises, and WILL deliver you from the tangled web of depression. I will be praying for you.
You first post reminds me of how I felt about myself, I just knew something was just not right.
I loved my husband dearly -- but things were just ...off.
It took several years before I could pinpoint alcohol abuse on his part. Something that seemed so obvious (he never hid it from me) , but i just didn't see how it was negatively affected me or our family. all I knew is that I just didn't feel good about myself, and i operated in a certain amount of fear from my husband.
Once I discovered the truth about the alcohol, I began the uphill climb out of denial and codependancy. Not easy, but so worth it.
bless you sister, as you discover and heal you from the inside out.
My husband would probably react the same way...regardless of the timing. I think he would see it as a judgment against him....that he wasn't providing something that he should be providing. So maybe your seeking counseling makes him feel inadequate.
Frankly, I wouldn't worry too much about his reaction except to reassure him that he isn't the cause (though in reality he may have something to do about it) and that you'd just like to speak to an objective third party who may be able to give you insight into what's going on with you. Emphasize the possible positive benefits of counseling....being a better wife to him, having a happier home-life. Show him how the benefits can help him too. Maybe he would also seek counseling if he sees how much you've gained from it.
Simply having someone to talk to can help immensely.....and it isn't always our spouses. My husband doesn't want to communicate on that level and whenever I've pressured him to, he gets angry. I just accept this...you can't exactly force someone to share parts of their heart that they don't want to.
Praying for your both...especially that he will come to accept this as something you need and not a judgment against him
Frankly, I wouldn't worry too much about his reaction except to reassure him that he isn't the cause (though in reality he may have something to do about it) and that you'd just like to speak to an objective third party who may be able to give you insight into what's going on with you. Emphasize the possible positive benefits of counseling....being a better wife to him, having a happier home-life. Show him how the benefits can help him too. Maybe he would also seek counseling if he sees how much you've gained from it.
Simply having someone to talk to can help immensely.....and it isn't always our spouses. My husband doesn't want to communicate on that level and whenever I've pressured him to, he gets angry. I just accept this...you can't exactly force someone to share parts of their heart that they don't want to.
Praying for your both...especially that he will come to accept this as something you need and not a judgment against him