Is it appropriate for married people to have friends of the opposite sex?

[RedTent]

I have only had two friends of the opposite sex. I have had many who I thought were friends, and then they would ask for a date, or make some advance. It always hurt. Once a "friend" and I went on a photo shoot together, my husband didn't want to so it was wonderful for me. Then it crossed the line so friendship or photo shoots wasn't possible any more.

We live in a world where most people haven't a clue about what marriage or sex is, they have a garbled up superficial worldly view of it. It is disgusting.

But I have had two friends!! I hope that people who live following the Holy Spirit keep giving friendship and keep hoping it is returned. But if it isn't, it has to be goodbye.

 

[HoldingOn2013]

It seems to me to be a misconception that "cheating" is a sexual phenomenon. Cheating is primarily an emotional phenomenon. When a person meets the emotional needs of someone else's spouse, cheating has occurred in that the spouse has been displaced from his/her proper place. Sexual temptation follows.

I agree with this statement. Emotional cheating, if that is even a term, is very real. It's sad that we can allow things to get out of hand.

But I still feel the appropriateness of a friendship with the opposite sex should be looked at individually. Nothing is 100% good or 100% bad.

 

[Ariel82]

Dude I'm 22 and I've already been cheated on five times by four different women, and left for 'the single life' by another. So I know somewhat what being betrayed feels like.

I questioned myself all the time. 'Wasn't I good enough?' 'What didn't I give her?'

Truth is, it's nothing to do with me, and all to do with their views on what's a fair relationship. Almost every woman I meet has this preconception that if she's not 'fulfilled' with whatever material desire she craves, that it's ok for her, as a woman, to jump ship and go in search of whatever it is she's got a desire for, and usually they come back a while later and say 'I was wrong for treating you so bad'. BUt still, it's hard to find a woman that isn't fickle.

That's no offense to anyone in the forums, women here seem to be a lot more loyal than most of the girls I've met.

at the age of 22 I was married to the third person I ever dated.....

when people make statements like this I always wonder...Did you have sex with those women? what qualifies as cheating?

I think sex messes up a lot of relationships and I am amazed at people who go against the whole "liberal" women's rights agenda but don't see anything with premartial sex.

could be totally off base, but I think if you don't have sex with everyone you date (not saying you do, just saying I know people who do and have said the above statement to me and ask me what they did wrong, this is what I tell them

1. at the start of your relationship with the girl was she dating someone else?
2. Does she value her body enough NOT to be having sex with you?
3. what are her views on marriage? God? kids? work?

Same thing with women, just replace the feminine pronouns with He and His.

It just makes sense NOT to date someone who is willing to cheat on someone else to date you, because what is stopping them from cheating on YOU later when they get bored?

5 times 4 women.... so either one of the women cheated twice, or my math is off.

tell you the truth Porthos, I don't think I know anyone who would be willing to be controlled by a man who has such a low opinion of women.

"material desire"? mmm, I buy my own junk. I expect more from my man than material things.

I expect spiritual leadership, unconditional love and acceptance, a man who thinks and prays about life. One who accepts me as his helpmate and allows me to grow and be the woman God meant for me to be. One who trusts me and encourages me and shares commons dreams and goals of raising a godly family and shining God's light into the world and sharing His love with those around us. Someone who can appreciate the beauty of the world around us and is willing to rejoice and be glad in the world God has made for us. Someone who knows how to laugh and have fun, who knows how to be a true and loyal friend as well as a husband.

I thank God every day for giving me my family.

I pray that one day God will bring you a woman who will stay loyal and true and that you will be of a heart and mind to appreciate and cherish her as God intends for a married couple to be.

 

[Ariel82]

It seems to me to be a misconception that "cheating" is a sexual phenomenon. Cheating is primarily an emotional phenomenon. When a person meets the emotional needs of someone else's spouse, cheating has occurred in that the spouse has been displaced from his/her proper place. Sexual temptation follows.

See I don't understand this "emotional cheating"

I've seen some women claim this to justify leaving their husband and ACTUALLY Sexually cheat with another person.

it comes with the claim that their husbands were "emotionally distant" and would talk to another female more than them.

sometimes it would be jealousy over their husband's talking to their MOTHER. Other times it would not be anyone at all, but just the fact that after a 12 hour shift, they didn't feel like "talking". (most women do not understand that men have a "nothing" switch on their brain where they are actually thing about NOTHING. mine is broken, i'm always thinking of SOMETHING. lol)

I don't think of it as "emotionally cheating" so much as not address the problem with your spouse.

if you go and complain to another person instead of praying about it and trying to work it out with your wife or husband, then that gives space for Satan to enter into your marriage.

its not "cheating" it is being spiritually foolish and allowing the sun to set on your anger. It is the sin of unforgiveness more that turns a heart cold and bitter.

Sometimes I wonder why people can't see the Enemy's hand is trying to break up marriages?

Why can't people see how Satan tries to harden the heart and blow out the light within God's children?

Why can't people see how bitterness poisons the waters that come out of your heart so that they are no longer the LIVING Water God intended for us to share with others?

.....ok i'm done with my off topic ramble.........

I asked my husband about this topic, he just laughed and said "we have too many friends of the opposite gender for us to give them all up just because we are married" Plus our friends are like family. we've known many of them for over half our lives and they treat us like brothers or sisters.

I do distance myself from any guy who has shown romantic interest in me, but most guys back off after they find out you are married. If they don't, they're jerks and I avoid them in the future.

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

I don't have male friends. If i was going to marry a guy and he had all these female friends, he would only have to get rid of the hot ones. The uglies he could keep.

 

[maxwel]

I don't have male friends. If i was going to marry a guy and he had all these female friends, he would only have to get rid of the hot ones. The uglies he could keep.

Alright, that made me laugh.

 

[jb]

Its not appropriate if married to have opposite sex friends,get real, 50% of these arrangements end up in bed together

Utter nonsense!

Most of my friends are female, some are married some are not, never had any problems, simple as that!

 

[Porthos]

at the age of 22 I was married to the third person I ever dated.....

when people make statements like this I always wonder...Did you have sex with those women? what qualifies as cheating?

I think sex messes up a lot of relationships and I am amazed at people who go against the whole "liberal" women's rights agenda but don't see anything with premartial sex.

could be totally off base, but I think if you don't have sex with everyone you date (not saying you do, just saying I know people who do and have said the above statement to me and ask me what they did wrong, this is what I tell them

1. at the start of your relationship with the girl was she dating someone else?
2. Does she value her body enough NOT to be having sex with you?
3. what are her views on marriage? God? kids? work?

Same thing with women, just replace the feminine pronouns with He and His.

It just makes sense NOT to date someone who is willing to cheat on someone else to date you, because what is stopping them from cheating on YOU later when they get bored?

5 times 4 women.... so either one of the women cheated twice, or my math is off.

tell you the truth Porthos, I don't think I know anyone who would be willing to be controlled by a man who has such a low opinion of women.

"material desire"? mmm, I buy my own junk. I expect more from my man than material things.

I expect spiritual leadership, unconditional love and acceptance, a man who thinks and prays about life. One who accepts me as his helpmate and allows me to grow and be the woman God meant for me to be. One who trusts me and encourages me and shares commons dreams and goals of raising a godly family and shining God's light into the world and sharing His love with those around us. Someone who can appreciate the beauty of the world around us and is willing to rejoice and be glad in the world God has made for us. Someone who knows how to laugh and have fun, who knows how to be a true and loyal friend as well as a husband.

I thank God every day for giving me my family.

I pray that one day God will bring you a woman who will stay loyal and true and that you will be of a heart and mind to appreciate and cherish her as God intends for a married couple to be.

Cheating. Having sex with other people.

Yea, I did have sex with three of these women, but I'd been with them all for a long time. The other, whom I didn't sleep with, I really thought was the one. Am I supposed to be ashamed? People change and people's views about sex before marriage change but I don't see how me having premarital sex can be equated on the same level with the idea that these women think that it's okay to go cheating if they don't get what they want. I'm not talking about the women's rights movement, I'm talking about crazy female expectations and the way a lot of girls are brought up now.

They expect to be treated like they are royalty simply for being women. I don't have a low opinion of women, I just have a low opinion of how society views sex and marriage and what really counts in a relationship, and it just so happens that I am a man who doesn't have the same shallow, outrageous expectations. I know that men can have them too, but I'm not one who does. So I think I have a right to be a little annoyed at the world.

I wanted conversation and compassion and mutual understanding.

I'm really not stupid enough to date someone who's dating someone else, nor someone who thinks marriage is silly and hates kids. I know what I want from a woman and it's got nothing to do with the size of her breasts, the amount of cash in her purse or how many kinky photographs she uploads of herself on facebook. I'm not that type of man.

Nor would I date someone who cheated with someone else to be with me. That's just asking for trouble.


And who said anything about controlling Ariel? Seems as soon as a person mentions the word 'women' in remotely a general sense he's automatically a woman-hating chauvinistic control freak.

I can tell you, I don't have the heart to be controlling. Like I said, 'every woman I've met', as in, romantically. They weren't that way at first, but they soon turned into something that wasn't what I thought. If anyone was manipulated or controlled, it was me.

Practically every girl I've come across as a romantic interest has this idea in her that it's okay to step over men, to be selfish and irreverent and to hold him to a checklist of her 'Mr Perfect'. Ridiculous expectations, and even though I care about these people and show them in no uncertain terms, there's always something.

I'm not talking about women's rights vs men's rights. I'm talking about women who are brought up to think that men owe them perfection.

 

[ranfisher]

Simply I would first ask the question as to 'what is it you are receiving or sharing with 'this friend' that can not be shared with your spouse?' It is one thing to share a common interest ie. hobby, recreational sports, work etc but then is this a friend or is it an associate. The danger is when we begin to share more than the activity or interest that brought us together with this friend and begin sharing feelings etc.

 

[Porthos]

The point is, it's so vry easy today for people to be swayed by someone who has seemingly got 'more' than what their partner has.

 

[ranfisher]

I agree with the last post. We may see the other person as having 'more than what their partner has'; and what we see is firstly all projection, (it is what we might want to see). And as a true marriage should be self-less and giving exclusively to the spouse, it should remind us to become a better friend to our spouse versus a friend to another.

 

[creationist74]

You can have such friendships, but only with the partner. It is better for the marriage.

 

[Porthos]

And for the record, I don't even like sex. I never have. And I'd be happy, in all honesty, being with someone who felt as uncomfortable about it as I do.

The irony is, the girl I thought was the one I'd end up with for the rest of my life, broke up with me because I wouldn't have sex with her, and gave me the ring back.

And I later found out she was with someone else.

 

[Porthos]

I don't mean to come across as someone who hates women, because I don't. In fact I was very in love with the woman above and I've never so much as raised my voice or spoken a hasty word to her. She's asked me several times since we finished for things and I have been all too willing to oblige. I just hate the fact that many women think they should get what they want, when they want. It's 'me, me', me' mentality.

 

[hattiebod]

You sound like you have been very unfortunate in love, and that is sad because it is clouding your view of women. When things keep going wrong in relationships, the one common denominator is ourselves so it is useful to ask ourselves....what could I do more of & what could I do less of? You say that your x asks for things and you are happy to oblige....perhaps there is a clue there? No wonder you are hurting....feeling taken advantage of? She is only getting 'what she wants' because you are giving it to her ( whatever that could be?) and perhaps for you, a 'no' to your x maybe a good way forward. Also, it's not always healthy to remain in contact with one's x, it more often than not stops one or other from moving on. I hope you find a good woman...there are plenty out there! God Bless you, <><

 

[tdrew777]

Cheating. Having sex with other people.

Yea, I did have sex with three of these women, but I'd been with them all for a long time. The other, whom I didn't sleep with, I really thought was the one. Am I supposed to be ashamed?

YES!!!! And the fact that you engage in premarital sex shamelessly indicates that even sincere, sensitive, deep-thinking Christians like yourself have fallen into a bondage that has terrible consequences for both the individual and the church.

We have a high standard for marriage, the husband gives his life for his wife as Christ gave HImself for the church. The wife responds to that sacrifice of life in a passionate submission, just as the church is passionate about doing the will of Christ from the heart - free from all external compulsion. Great metaphor - praise God we get to live it out!!! Every one of us falls short of that standard - and we ought to be ashamed when we do.

Living down to our sexual impulses defiles the high standard we were called to. Shame on me....and you. We can find grace that leads to restoration only after we find the grace to repent.

They expect to be treated like they are royalty simply for being women. I don't have a low opinion of women, I just have a low opinion of how society views sex and marriage and what really counts in a relationship, and it just so happens that I am a man who doesn't have the same shallow, outrageous expectations. I know that men can have them too, but I'm not one who does. So I think I have a right to be a little annoyed at the world.

Christians are more than a little annoyed at the world. We despise the world. To say that the woman, who is "the one" for you wants to be treated like royalty is an understatement. She wants you to sacrifice your life for her. I hope that THAT is not what annoys you.

 

[Porthos]

YES!!!! And the fact that you engage in premarital sex shamelessly indicates that even sincere, sensitive, deep-thinking Christians like yourself have fallen into a bondage that has terrible consequences for both the individual and the church.

We have a high standard for marriage, the husband gives his life for his wife as Christ gave HImself for the church. The wife responds to that sacrifice of life in a passionate submission, just as the church is passionate about doing the will of Christ from the heart - free from all external compulsion. Great metaphor - praise God we get to live it out!!! Every one of us falls short of that standard - and we ought to be ashamed when we do.

Living down to our sexual impulses defiles the high standard we were called to. Shame on me....and you. We can find grace that leads to restoration only after we find the grace to repent.



Christians are more than a little annoyed at the world. We despise the world. To say that the woman, who is "the one" for you wants to be treated like royalty is an understatement. She wants you to sacrifice your life for her. I hope that THAT is not what annoys you.

I'm not ashamed of making a mistake, nor of my past. If it wasn't for my past I wouldn't have the insight and experience I have now, to understand that some things don't benefit anyone.

But how is caring for someone and having fun with someone and looking after someone and giving to someone and having a fulfilling relationship with someone a sacrifice? It's a privilege.

But there's a difference between having realistic expectations/being willing to make someone happy, than feeling as though it's okay to treat someone like dirt because they don't oblige to every one of your whims. And what I meant when I said 'expect to be treated like royalty', is exactly as above. It's an expectation that they deserve, and in fact, are completely permitted to be selfish and disrespectful and disloyal just because they can. Because it's okay when a woman's 'needs' (usually I'm expected to be a mind-reader in this field) aren't met for her to go elsewhere in our society.

I always felt in relationships, this pressure to be perfect. This monumentous burden. Probably like a lot of women feel when they see men after big breasts or a great body or whatever these things may be. it's no longer enough to be simply a decent human being who's willing to as you say, sacrifice, compromise, give, care, share and help.

People can no longer (a lot of the time) be happy to have someone who cares about you and who wants to look after you, to see you, to build you up, to support you, to treat you with respect and dignity. Nowadays it's all material and silly. And it's so easy for someone to take a little 'step up in the world' so to speak and find a man that has more of those kind of things. And that was the point I tried to make. 50% of marriages fail and I'd say a good proportion of infedelities are with friends or people in the circle, who have something that the partner doesn't. But nobody's perfect and nobody deserves to be cheated on!

I didn't deserve how I was treated and it becomes wholly disheartening that shallow things are what a lot of the opposite sex look for in relationships.

To be honest, when I meet a woman who doesn't care about the constraints and outrageous expectations society puts people under, then I'll marry her.

 

[Porthos]

At the end of the day, people cheat because they either don't care about their partners or they want something else. And people ALWAYS want more. That's our elitist society.

Look at the models on television and in photographs; perfect bodies, flawless hair, make-up and eyes, plenty of money and generally that's what people 'aspire' to. Ever heard the saying 'trading in for a better model'?

How are the average women supposed to compete when society puts such an emphasis on things like that and not on the things that matter. Marriages fail, because people always want more. People are happy to see what their partners don't have as opposed to someone else, before they'll appreciate them for what they do have.

 

[Porthos]

Women I've dated say 'wow, you're a writer, a singer, a musician, a student, and a painter', you're a talented guy. The usual ensues. 'You're quite good-looking. I really love your style. You're a good cook.' 'I love your car and that you drive' ... and then the inevitable 'but'.

But I really like this other guy with the tattoos and bulging biceps.

Just a checklist, that's all it is. Tick, tick, tick, ex, tick, tick.

And it's all the most shallow things. Yea I'm a good cook, yea I write, yea I sing. But what about my view on life? What about the way that I treat you? What about whether I want children or not? What about my moral perspective? What about who I am, rather than what I have and haven't 'got'?

Our society isn't built for marriage it's built for temporariness and experimentation. I should have been born in the 30's or 40's whenever a good-hearted person was appreciated as one.

 

[hattiebod]

And I'm never getting married.

God may not agree with you on that! and have a different plan for you....it's exciting waiting to see what He will do in our lives. God Bless. <><