Is it appropriate for married people to have friends of the opposite sex?

[tdrew777]

This is where I want to be. Nothing else will do.
Eph 5:22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

 

[Christianrkchk89]

I don't think it's appropriate when dating, engaged or married to be hanging out alone anywhere with a friend of the opposite sex. However, if both of you feel comfortable having friends of the opposite sex.. Then if/when you hang out, both you and your mate are there. That makes it impossible for any funny business. And it's definitely not right to have long conversations with these opposite sex friends on the phone/texting... Because as I've said before.. There's not just physical cheating. You can be cheating on someone emotionally too. You shouldn't be talking with someone of the opposite gender about personal things that you aren't talking to your husband about. You're husband should be your go-to person for problems. And if its a marital problem then go see your pastor or at least a friend of the same gender.

 

[zaoman32]

I don't think it's appropriate when dating, engaged or married to be hanging out alone anywhere with a friend of the opposite sex. However, if both of you feel comfortable having friends of the opposite sex.. Then if/when you hang out, both you and your mate are there. That makes it impossible for any funny business. And it's definitely not right to have long conversations with these opposite sex friends on the phone/texting... Because as I've said before.. There's not just physical cheating. You can be cheating on someone emotionally too. You shouldn't be talking with someone of the opposite gender about personal things that you aren't talking to your husband about. You're husband should be your go-to person for problems. And if its a marital problem then go see your pastor or at least a friend of the same gender.

Agreed. If you feel like you have texts conversations that need to be hidden from your wife/husband, or make phone calls that have to be done in a separate room, and you feel the need to pull the "you're invading my privacy" card...it's a good sign cheating is already taking place.

 

[creationist74]

Not at all

I do not think it is wise. I met a girl regularly at the hairdresser's. She was an apprentice and asked me whether I could be a model. The first time I visited her at her working place, she talked about her boy-friend. I was shocked and down, but at the end of the visit, I found a bible verse Prov 23:27

for an adulterous woman is a deep pit, and a wayward wife is a narrow well.

We met every month in her business till she quit. I liked her very much, but I never had any friendship with her. I did not want to hurt her boy-friend, but gain them as a friend.

 

[colalella2891]

Believe it or not, this is a tough one... My sister started going to a new church that is more youth-oriented. Apparently, the youth pastor and the head pastor both had 'emotional affairs' with women. Both are married men, and the youth pastor is young, in his late 20s. The head pastor is in his 40s.

Nothing physical happened, but they were still wrong because there were inappropriate feelings between them and the women involved. And it's pretty crazy that it happened to both the youth and head pastors. Apparently the youth pastor denies it to his wife this very day, but many people know about it.

Anyway, I say it's probably fine for married people to have friends of the opposite sex, but just be cautious and careful that feelings don't develop. It does happen. If feelings do develop, run away.

 

[Ariel82]

could you explain what an "emotional affair" is?

how do you know that it wasn't a one sided thing or a misunderstanding?

 

[Alysa825]

If it's someone who they used to be more than friends with, I say absolutely not! My husband and I have had that issue many times. I think as long as you're careful never to say or do anything that you wouldn't want your spouse to know about, then you're okay. Nobody plans to have affairs, but you do have to plan against them.

 

[Loveneverfails]

Not wise, exactly, but it can be done if paired with great discernment and caution, as well as consideration and cooperation from both spouses. It also depends on the nature of the friendship.

 

[Rodger]

This has been floating around my brain for the past while. I have a lot of friends who are getting married and some have already been married for a little while. It's a new concept to me when they bring up how one spouse is telling the other to sever their relationships with people of the opposite sex. For example, one friend's fiance is upset with him because he has a lot of female friends, who are strictly plutonic, but it really bothers his fiance. My sister in law agrees with her and thinks that after you get married you shouldn't be hanging out one on one with friends of the opposite sex. To those who are married, what is your opinion on this? I'm a single girl and all my closest friends are female so I don't really know what the general consensus is on this issue. But I welcome thoughts from single/unmarried people too!

Originally I thought the idea was ridiculous and that you shouldn't sever your good friendships just because you are getting married. Some think it's completely inappropriate to have close friends of the opposite sex when you're married. Personally I don't think you should just cut these friendships out of your lives because that is kind of harsh. It leaves the single, unmarried friends feeling like they're not good enough anymore. However, I can understand this if one spouse has issues with attraction and flirtation and their marriage is in a bit of a struggle.

My advice would be NO. That is what being single is all about, but when you get married that should come to an end. Now I do not mean to cut off all ties, but your friendsship now must include your spouce at meetings dinners etc.

 

[Loveneverfails]

Missed the deadline to edit my post, but I just want to add that I meant *close* friends. I think close friends, with whom you confide in and spend lots of alone time should only be of the same gender. I apply this same principle to my single life, with the exception of family and my boyfriend. Of course I have other guy friends, but I hang out with them in groups, or if we talk one on one its just in passing or in very open, public spaces. I was raised this way but I only started taking this concept to heart a few years ago, and I'm grateful for it. When I began my relationship, I didn't have to change a thing because I was already being careful with my male friends anyway. Seamless transition.

 

[MissCris]

A few years back, I was friends with a girl and her boyfriend, and they were going through a really rough patch in their relationship. The girl was doing a lot of really wrong stuff, in my opinion, but I tried to just listen when she'd rant. Eventually, she broke up with the guy, and moved to another state. The guy started e-mailing me occasionally, and I felt really bad for him, and I'd respond with encouraging stuff. Then he started calling me sometimes, and I figured that because he was friends more with my husband than with me, it was no big deal to just talk to him for a few minutes here and there and make sure he was ok.

But then he started stopping by our house, and it took a while before I realized he was purposely coming over when he knew my husband was at work.

When I DID realize what was happening, I told him he needed to stop, maybe move back to his hometown where his family was so he wasn't so lonely, because I couldn't and didn't want to be any kind of replacement for his girlfriend.

He got sooooo mad....said I was leading him on with all my sympathy and listening and whatnot.

^^^ That's a good reason not to have friends of the opposite gender that you confide in, or that you're alone with a lot. One or more parties involved can get confused and mistake friendship for something more. If you're married and this happens...

Bad business.

Had I just passed the guy off to my husband from the very first e-mail (like, instead of encouraging words I should have said "Why don't you get together with my husband and talk about this sometime")...that would have prevented the problem, and we could probably still have been friends and visited with each other around other people.

 

[Loveneverfails]

Thanks for sharing, MissCris. It sounds like you are a natural encourager so I can relate because I love to listen to others and encourage them when they're hurting. If it weren't for my stance on male friends I would have easily done exactly what you did.. And probably taken even longer to realize that something wasn't right. I think that's one of the reasons I'm so careful. Good intentions can easily be misinterpreted. :/

*sigh* humans. We're so complicated.

 

[colalella2891]

could you explain what an "emotional affair" is?

how do you know that it wasn't a one sided thing or a misunderstanding?

What Is An Emotional Affair?

There you go.

And I don't know any specific details about what happened with the pastors... It may be just a rumor, who knows.

 

[sandtigeress]

i always thought, that that is no problem.
I had male friends, most of them we shared.

He had female friends, some of whitch we shared, no problem.
untill ... lets just say, there was a woman who shared her heart with
him at a time we had problems ... and then we got bigger problems,
because he thought, she would want him, if he were single ...