Is it appropriate for married people to have friends of the opposite sex?

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A

agirlandherguitar

Guest
#1
#1
This has been floating around my brain for the past while. I have a lot of friends who are getting married and some have already been married for a little while. It's a new concept to me when they bring up how one spouse is telling the other to sever their relationships with people of the opposite sex. For example, one friend's fiance is upset with him because he has a lot of female friends, who are strictly plutonic, but it really bothers his fiance. My sister in law agrees with her and thinks that after you get married you shouldn't be hanging out one on one with friends of the opposite sex. To those who are married, what is your opinion on this? I'm a single girl and all my closest friends are female so I don't really know what the general consensus is on this issue. But I welcome thoughts from single/unmarried people too!

Originally I thought the idea was ridiculous and that you shouldn't sever your good friendships just because you are getting married. Some think it's completely inappropriate to have close friends of the opposite sex when you're married. Personally I don't think you should just cut these friendships out of your lives because that is kind of harsh. It leaves the single, unmarried friends feeling like they're not good enough anymore. However, I can understand this if one spouse has issues with attraction and flirtation and their marriage is in a bit of a struggle.
 
T

Tintin

Guest
#2
#2
I think you should be able to catch up one-on-one at times, but it should always be in a public place (not within the privacy of one's home). I certainly wouldn't want to be cut out of my friend's lives just because they got married!
 
P

preschoolteacher24

Guest
#3
#3
exactlly agree with this person above :D asl ong as you make u clear you are married and your firends respect this why not talk too them just dont hide stuff. One of my best friends is a guy and i talk too his gf and him :D and she doesnt act weird when we talk one on one :D
 
T

terryshields

Banned
#4
Apr 26, 2013
92
1
0
#4
Its not appropriate if married to have opposite sex friends,get real, 50% of these arrangements end up in bed together
 
C

ChristianGuy0

Guest
#5
#5
I think each couple should choose based on their views and how they feel on this one. Some couples will have no problem, others will.

A close friendship with the opposite sex can have a slippery slope effect on some people.. like at first it's a truly innocent close friendship, then it's the person you confide in/complain too when you're having problems in your marriage, and before you know it you've become attracted/emotionally involved, and then eventually physically involved. It's a series of tiny steps which eventually lead to a distant sinful place that you thought you'd NEVER end up.

If you are liable to this, it's better to nip it in the bud and not have friends of the opposite sex.

But of course there are people out there who can simply have friends of the opposite sex and never end up falling into sin.. in that case, they should go for it.
 
H

Hungry

Banned
#6
Nov 26, 2012
3,095
1,050
113
#6
I strongly believe friends should be same gender. I wouldn't want any other man to have an influence over my wife and she feels the same way with me about women. Growing up I can't think of one female friend I had that there wasn't attraction with. I was friends with my wife before we became closer. You don't have to sever the friendship but I think it would be healthier for your marriage for all social contact to be at least the three of you.
 
RickyZ

RickyZ

Senior Member
#7
Sep 20, 2012
9,635
787
113
#7
I've always had more women friends than male friends. The key to making it work is that my women friends have to also be my wife's friends. It's a hard step for some people to take, but once done they typically run off and go shopping together, leaving me behind.
 
F

FAITHFULGILLIAN

Guest
#8
#8
I think it is tricky and probably needs to be judged on a case- by- case basis. There could be opposite- sex friends who clearly would not represent any kind of moral hazard and maybe some others where they could be a question mark and it would be better to meet only in a group setting.
 
K

kenisyes

Guest
#9
#9
My wife and I just introduced them to each other, and made friends as a couple. Most accepted it just fine.
 
M

MissCris

Guest
#10
#10
Friends? That's fine. You can't avoid meeting people, and you can't help liking some of them. I know my husband has a couple of female friends at work, and it doesn't bother me. He doesn't call them up or go hang out with them outside of work or work-related events. I think they might be on his facebook friend list, too. And that's as far as it goes.

Neither one of us are close friends with members of the opposite sex. I don't have a male friend that I ever confide anything personal to, beyond my husband, and vice versa.

So the answer to the question is...it's appropriate until it isn't...heh.
 
Fenner

Fenner

Senior Member
#11
Jan 26, 2013
7,507
111
0
#11
I agree with Miss Kriss. My husband's female friends are mostly co workers. The other one's are my friend's too. When we go out it's usually a group of us.
 
L

LiseStubbs

Guest
#12
#12
Like others are saying, it's a case to case thing and should be dealt with appropriately. I'm single and am friends with my best friends boyfriend. I think of him as a little brother and nothing else. Though I have a female co-worker who's husband flips on her when she talks about her male co-workers that aren't married (though that's just the tip of the ice berg)

My ex would interrogate me about any guy I mentioned, whether I worked with them, we're friends with them from school or if they were introduced to me by my other female friends, he was so insecure about what I was doing that it felt as though I wasn't allowed to have friends at all.

I think it has a lot to do with trust, if you can't trust your significant other to act responsibly with their friends of the opposite sex, then there's always going to be issues.
 
G

Glenn01

Guest
#13
#13
I think the safest thing is to keep opposite friends at arms length. Personally I have been hurt by it more than one time, it start as friends and end up lovers.........keep them away.
 
A

agirlandherguitar

Guest
#14
#14
All great responses!
I'm not sure how I would feel since I'm not at that stage in my life yet. Part of me thinks I'd be a little jealous if my boyfriend/husband hung out with girls all the time. I would have to meet them all and make friends for it to be okay, otherwise I don't think it would work well for us... or them. At the same time I would feel extremely suffocated if my man came down on me for having male friends (which I don't, haha, but hypothetically). Some of my friends have very jealous boyfriends and are pretty controlling, but they have deep seeded issues and I'm NOT attracted to that at all. I also have friends who themselves are jealous if their guy has female friends who were once ex's... which... I kind of see being threatening since they were once romantic. If my husband didn't get along with one of my guy friends and let me know I'd have to respect my husband and lessen my contact with said imaginary friend, though I don't think I'd just cut him off.
 
P

Porthos

Banned
#15
Apr 15, 2013
236
1
0
#15
I think in general, married women find platonic relationships with men quite easy, whereas the men they are friends with are more likey to have sexual intentions.

Whereas married men are more likely to have sexual intentions towards other women, and their female friends may or may not reciprocate, but I know from experience that women find married men much more attractive than single ones (not all, but a large percentage).

It all depends on the morals, the environment, the circumstance and the atmosphere and influence each person has.

I mean, 50% of marriages fail, and how many stories do you hear 'she slept with my friend/her boss/a guy in my soccer team', or alternatively, 'he slept with my sister/some woman he met at a bar etc'.

Men tend to cheat more with people their partners don't know whereas women tend to sleep with people that are in their circle of friends.

Men are suckers. If a married woman comes onto another guy, there's very little chance he'll decline, and women are suckers for authority; bosses, people in powerful positions.

It's down to the couple, but a couple who truly, truly love each other will;

1. Trust one another completely, for good-reason, and
2. Be happy to oblige to anything that will make their partner happier, and
3. Talk openly and be selfless enough to communicate and do whatever it takes to make the relationship work.

It's down to the couple, but there can be problems if they don't share the same view.

The stuff I've said is kind of generalizing in parts but it's just what I've perceived.
 
T

Tintin

Guest
#17
#17
I've only ever been attracted to one of my friends and that was very short-lived. I would never expect my friends who are married (and girls) to confide in me about things they don't with their husbands. That would be immoral. But I think you can retain your friendships with integrity and trust.
 
maxwel

maxwel

Senior Member
#18
Apr 18, 2013
9,339
2,427
113
#18
Any time I'm in a serious relationship with a girl, I purposefully avoid spending very much time around any other women... out of respect to her.
I don't want to innocently do anything that might look bad, or hurt her feelings.

This is just what I do.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#19
#19
terryshields said:
Its not appropriate if married to have opposite sex friends,get real, 50% of these arrangements end up in bed together
Click to expand...
Ok, so you gave a personal, subjective opinion, but where is this a biblical fact that it is wrong? Please post exact scriptures, and IN CONTEXT.
 
M

MrMalby

Guest
#20
#20
agirlandherguitar said:
This has been floating around my brain for the past while. I have a lot of friends who are getting married and some have already been married for a little while. It's a new concept to me when they bring up how one spouse is telling the other to sever their relationships with people of the opposite sex. For example, one friend's fiance is upset with him because he has a lot of female friends, who are strictly plutonic, but it really bothers his fiance. My sister in law agrees with her and thinks that after you get married you shouldn't be hanging out one on one with friends of the opposite sex. To those who are married, what is your opinion on this? I'm a single girl and all my closest friends are female so I don't really know what the general consensus is on this issue. But I welcome thoughts from single/unmarried people too!

Originally I thought the idea was ridiculous and that you shouldn't sever your good friendships just because you are getting married. Some think it's completely inappropriate to have close friends of the opposite sex when you're married. Personally I don't think you should just cut these friendships out of your lives because that is kind of harsh. It leaves the single, unmarried friends feeling like they're not good enough anymore. However, I can understand this if one spouse has issues with attraction and flirtation and their marriage is in a bit of a struggle.
Click to expand...
Hiya there

I think its sensible to both value the friendship and the marriage.. honouring the marriage is helpful for both it stops gossip about both yourself and the married friend. Always meet in public places if you do meet them alone and keep the arrangements transparent to the spouse, be sensitive especially early in the marriage. , honour them as a couple and meet them as a couple that way you give no room for malicious gossip.

I have known a couple for over 25 years now, and am firm strong friends with both the man (who is my primary friend as it were) and the woman, but I always call at the house when I know my friend is in and if on occasion he is out, I say I will call back his wife knows me very well we are firm friends, and there is absolutely no offence taken on either side.

Maybe it is just me , but I don't really believe that a truly 'platonic' relationship can exist, at some point one will have an attraction to the other if they spend lots of time together. while both are single this is less of a problem, but when one (or both) are married it can lead to complications that are simply best avoided.

I see it not as cutting a friendship out of my life, but inviting in a new person, a couple whom I should treat with honour, as if they are one, I see it as gain.. not loss.

Malby
 
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