Asking for prayer for a hardened heart

[CAMAIN]

Hello all,

I'm writing because I am asking that everyone pray for myself, (chris) and my wife (kari). My wife recently told me that she doesn't love me any more and that she wants a seperation. I have tried to do everything possbile to change my behavior to make her give me a second chance. Sadly she hasn't. I've been married for 12 years. she is the only woman that I have ever loved and I am completely dedicated to trying to make my marriage work. I have done everything that she has asked of me to change. Sadly, it isn't enough, and I don't think it will be without gods help. I am asking that everyone say a quick pray for us, for god to help my marriage, and give me the strength to continue to face my fears, and concerns, and give me humilty, and courage to continue to fight for my marriage.

At first I was shocked, in pain, and I cried alot. I was actually crying everyday for the last 4 weeks in the morning on my way to work, on my way home, and at nights, when she was at work. I have begged, sobbed, pleaded with her, tried to tell her she is making a mistake, but ultimately I have come to some conclusions.

1.) I need Gods help with this.
2.) I need to change, and stay changed. I must admit that I was self-absorbed, that I neglected her, and I wasn't sensitive to her feelings. I have changed this, and asked her forgiveness, but must continue to show her.
3.) I must control my addictions. I use t.v., and computers to zone out. Worse yet. I am addicted to Porn, and have been since I was 12. I have not looked at porn for 4 days now, and I don't get on the computer while she is in the house. I make her the center of my attention while she is around me.

I must change myself in order to save my marriage. I ask for everyones prayers in doing so. I ask for everyones prayers in softening my wifes heart. She is normally a very loving person. I realise this will take A long time to do, but I am commited to my marriage, and though I may be too late to stop the seperation from happening. I ask that everyone prays for my marriage, and for strength for me to continue to fight for it.

This is very important to me as I love my wife and I have 2 children 8 and 10. If you could put me on your prayer list, I would be greatful.

I will try to update this thread daily with my struggles. I must admit my sins, and I must be repentant. I must seek guidance, and find comfort. Most of all I need Gods help, and I need yours as well.

Thank you,

Camain

 

[Beeb0]

You'll be in my prayers, keep your head up & never give up.

 

[Leilaii425]

Your wifes heart isnt hard, shes just been very hurt by you and probably doesnt want that to happen again. i will pray for both of you though... wwwsettingcaptivesfree.com look it up.. will be very very helpful for you

 

[JDawg]

I also have a suggestion for you brother. There is a movie out there I dont know if u saw it but its call Fireproof. Its a great movie but there is a book that u need to try out just like the guy did in the movie. Plus it will help you to change also. Its called the Love Dare. At the same you do this u pray and let God fill you up and give you strength. Know that He is not far from you! He is right there the whole time and never left you! Just start talking to Him more and reading your Word more! Believe that God will change things for the better! It may be hard right now and during the process but you just keep doing what God wants you to do and pray for your wife! God Bless you bro and I will be praying for you. Grace and Peace be to u always

 

[pickles]

You your wife and your children are in my daily prayers. God bless, pickles

 

[CAMAIN]

Thank you all for your suggestions. I am currently doing the love dare. I'm on day 19. I've also done alot of research on the internet about winning you wife back, husband back, girlfriend, boyfriend, and anything else that was pertinent. Most of them say to let them go, and give them time to breathe. At first I refused. I tried so hard to reconcile. I am still working hard, but its no longer out of desperation, and a need to please. I'm tying hard to show her that I am wiling to change, willing to listen, willing to open up to her. I've stopped being so desperate about it, and instead just try to listen, let her know that I love her, and do what I can when I can to help her. I don't disipline the children as this was a source of conflict with us, so I have been keeping my temper and letting her do all the displining. I literally can't think of anything else I can do outwordly to help her see that I love her, that I want to change, and that I want to keep my marriage. I've literally begged her sobbing to not leaving, to avail. I've come to the conclusion that she is going to leave though, and that she needs time.

Someone above said that she is really hurt, and your right, she is. I may not have hit her, or degraded her, or anything like that, but its the little things that have added up over the years. each of those little things was a brick in a wall, and little by little with time being the mortar, that was has gotten big and harded. At first I tried to bang myself against it, repeatitively hitting it. I can't break this wall down though. The only thing that can is time, Gods help, patience and percieverence. I have to be patient, loving, and humble. I'm trying hard to find and identify all the issues that have caused harm to my marriage, no matter how big or small, and try to ask for firgiveness of them, and stop doing them.

I will check out the site about habitual sin, and try to work though it. Any prayers and advice you can offer would be great.

Thank you,

Chris

 

[Jezreel]

The movie Fireproof is an excellent tool. She does not realize that divorce will only bring worse problems and is not the answer. I will also pray that God messes up any legal paperwork and that she would be hindered in her attempts for divorce. Many years ago believe it or not, my husband divorced me! As you can see we are remarried and back together again and it is better than ever so divorce is NOT the end when you give it to God. The Lord told me to not sign any divorce papers etc. I ended up loosing everything, the house, my car, everything! I was reduced to a very poor woman financially. I knew that the Lord told me to not sign them because he could not "in the word of God" justify his reason for divorce as I had not committed adultery. By having faith and letting God have it all and letting my husband have it all, God took five years but he did a work on both of us. My husband used to be very abusive and what and why he used the divorce was just another way of him continuing to let me know that he was in total control. I was out of state and could not do much anyhow, so, I just did not sign anything and let God have the burden.
One thing I learned was that we WILL ourselves to love our husbands. Those other fleshly feelings of passion etc, that is not what holds a couple together, it is the love of commitment and trust. With God ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE. Don't allow the enemy to scare you about the costs that will arise with this etc. I would not fight the divorce and I would concentrate on God and let him handle your wife as you get right with God in whatever he wants you to overcome. When a man truly loves God and his wife sees that, it really impresses and affects her in a way that she will know you are genuine. She needs to get a revelation about to stay married, you have to have forgiveness all the time and not just part of the time because we always offend one another in silly ways that are unimportant. I will definitely put your request to somebody else that I know knows how to get ahold of God. The more and more people that you get to pray, devil watch out!!!

 

[Jezreel]

I forogt to add that when my husband divorced me, I felt free because of the abuse, I did not care about anything he did. I was out of state so he could not get near to me to really hurt me. He did not have his housekeeper or cook and my daughter told me the house became horribly dirty and having to cook after a hard days' work was not likeable for him. He really got to see how much work I did at home for him and what he lost out on. My youngest daughter really resented of how she had to do all the cleaning and cooking, but he rewarded her with lots of pocketmoney etc. She still says that she wished I was here and the kids really missed me.

 

[Jezreel]

I am so sorry for posting again as I forgot another thing. I don't think her problem is a hardened heart, it is a broken heart. Pornography is adultery. Pornography broke up our 2nd daughters marriage. He also ran up bills with phone sex. You may have the hard heart in doing that pornography so long it is hard for you to break away and repent. I have gone to extremes to overcome my addictions. Now that my husband is working up in Lynden Wa, and only coming home on weekends I was very anxious and afraid that I would start drinking heavy when he was gone. I went to the bank with him and had my name written off the savings account so I would remove the temptation to get money out and drink. The teller was kind of worried about why I was doing that and I told her the reason why. I don't care if the whole city knows that I am a recovering alchoholic, after all, it is more important of what God thinks of us and not what man thinks of me. It is only a temporary thing and if anything happened to him, we do have wills that are made. Anyhow I am so happy and lighthearted with the temptation removed. You have to do the same thing, destroy the instuments that leads you to view porn, even if it means destroying the computer, do it. That would really impress her that you are serious. My husband has so matured in the Lord that he abhors anything remotely pornographic etc. We even hate those rotten commericials on television that advertise male enhancement. Years ago, people would revolt at the television stations for broadcasting such filth. Today, it is acceptable because man is sinking lower and lower into depravity. There is nothing new under the sun, Ecclesiatics says. Today, we just have different devices to commit sin.

 

[loveschild]

Lord bless this family. In Jesus name.

 

[Harley_Angel]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. If it helps, my parents separated, too. My dad was heavy into drugs, and my mom is a hard alcoholic. She drank because she didn't feel like my dad loved her, and that he was constantly pushing her around, wouldn't let her do anything, and wasn't giving her any reason to think he loved her. On the other hand, my dad really doesn't know how to show affection. He thought going to work each day to earn a paycheck was enough to show that he cared for her. They just didn't understand each other after 15 years of marriage.

One summer, while my dad was out of town on business, my mom packed her things, and moved. She rented a duplex and lived there for a few months. And while they were separated, both of them grew. My dad realized that he wasn't doing enough. The drugs made him lazy and nonattentive and apathetic, and so he quit. He realized without my mom, the bills didn't get paid on time, the grocery shopping never got done, dinner came outta the microwave or from fast food, the laundry was always dirty, the dogs were pottying on the carpet because no one took them out, and the house never got cleaned, and the yard was never mowed, and the checkbook was never balanced. He realized how much my mom did for him, and how he needed to help her, too, because she didn't get the weekends off like he did. My mom realized that making a living on her own was too tough and grew to respect my dad for working as hard as he does to put meals on our table. I wish I could say she stopped drinking, but she hasn't. Eventually, after all the threatening, all the attourneys, all the crying, and yelling, and hate...they talked. Then my dad invited her to come over for dinner. Then they decided to have dinner as a family with my little brother a couple nights a week. Then my mom agreed to stay over there during the days to watch the dogs, in return she could do laundry at the house, and slowly, they came back together.

To be honest, it still wierds me out when I see my dad hug my mom, or tell her he loves her. And it wierds me out to hear my mom tell my dad he's wrong and she doesn't agree with the choice he made. But it's nice. If my parents can make it work, and trust me, theirs was not a marriage of love, it was a marriage of, "oh no I'm pregnant and can't raise two kids out of wedlock on my own" and "oh man I got my girlfriend pregnant and my mother raised me to own up to my responsibilities." then ANYBODY can make it work.

Separations don't have to be the end. They can be a time to breath, a time to appreciation what you do for each other, a time to grow and learn how to do better.

I wish you all the luck in the world. If you love her, never pass up an opportunity to show it. And remember, God needs to be in your relationship, too. When things start to simmer down, maybe you could invite her to come to church with you once a week and have lunch afterwords to talk. Good luck, and God Bless.

 

[CAMAIN]

I thank you for your words. I can't stop her from leaving. She is already determined, come hell or high water that its happening. She says that she wants her bubble. and she wants to live in her bubble in her fenced in yard. We are still talking. I've given up trying to get her to stay. the emotional strain is just to much for both me and her. I am enrolled in the site: settingcaptivesfree.com, I have started talking to my mentor, and will begin tonight. I am doing the love dare. I am doing almost all the chores, I am taking the kids out all weekend, to the YMCA, to the park, etc. She works weekends on the overnight ship so having them out of the house lets her sleep. I have asked her for forgiveness once, for ignoring her, for being self absorbed, and what not, Although I haven't asked her for forgiveness with my addiction to the computer, or pornography. I want to, but I don't think she cares at this point, and apoligizing to much to often just makes them meaningless. I love my wife, and I love my family. I have tried to stay humble, and have humility, and while I hate doing it, I'm evening giving her money to help buy her new house, and to put some in savings to outfit it. I hate doing it because I feel like helping her walk away, but at the same time, I feel we don't need the conflict, that this is what she needs, and although I feel its a mistake, helping her may hopefully bring us back together. Thank you all for your support, and prayers, please keep it up.

Camain

 

[Jezreel]

You sound like you are making an attempt that will reap in time. God is not unrighteous to forget the labor of love we have shown towards his name. You are trying to lover her like Christ loves the church and you realize and confessed your faults. As I have shared, divorce is not the end. There can be other reasons behind her buying this house also in time that will pan out. Let her live in her bubble for as long as she feels the need because there is time when she has to come out. Also, if she has it in her mind to date, we will pray that God would only send men that will make you look really good! She will have to learn the hard way that God would rather have reconciliation and believe you me, there are hardly any good men out there anymore so her chances of finding anybody godly is slim and if God has to show her through that, so be it. Just don't get upset if that happens. Prepare yourself. Otherwise, we can also pray that God just closes the door for her dating too and if she does, that there would not be any joy in it. Dating is a pain. When I was single for a few years, thank God he gave me the gift of celebacy. God actually gave me the order to not date. The enemy even sent a man that seemed very religeous and I did not even let him step foot into my place. I asked him some doctrinal questions that he failed and that let me know he was not authentic. It is good for women to test the spirits. Men too. Believe you me, God will use those children of yours too to influence your wife. You have God and the children on your side besides our prayers so you just have to endure the season of waiting. Use the abscence of your wife as a way for you and God to get to know him more. By the way, when God told me that he was reconciling my husband and I, I was very upset and told God that I did not want to be reconciled with a mean abusive man. I told God that if he wanted reconciliation between us that God would have to change my mind to believe it is the will of God. He did. Some people here may wonder after I have shared with them how abusive my husband was why I would ever get back and get remarried. I did not want to at all. I was very happy and content to be single and celibate and I felt that having a man in my life would just tear me away from God and would ruin our relationship.

 

[OreoSoleil]

How are things going?

I am in the same situation you are in--only I am carrying this mans child. I see that there are things that I have done-- being selfish with my words. He built up resentment through my words that tore him down. He still has a connection and cares about me, but he doesn't want the relationship.

So I am praying that God works on me--He has been. This is definitely an interesting season in my life, one i didn't see coming. I want this child to have a great life and I want us to be a family that puts God first. When someone doesn't want the same things I want-- I know I have to let of trying to make things work. I have to trust God---because he knows our needs and he is here for us when we seek Him.

This is hard being the one who is holding the child and God is really breaking me down--and dealing with me about many things. I see I need to be the best mother and have God heal the hurt. I see the family this man promised to me, but i see that we are not there now. I know God will be the father this child needs and the husband I need.

Just wondering how things are going.

 

[dianna]

Listen, stop trying to get sympothy forgive my spelling. ..... Stop trying to feel sorry for yourself ,and that woman feels it double time. ! you have been together 12 years and that is a long time and you have just gotten use to the good loven in that woman and you think every woman is the same.
I'm not here to critize you brother . I'm just here to tell you the truth. So I do pray that you understand she is who you wanted her to be. And it is going to take alot of prayer to get her to understand that you have changed. Ya'll have years on ya'll so she knows. Probably just tired.
With all my heart and soul I pray to GOD and it comes out a song in the morning..... think about it.....
with love your sister.

 

[Kathleen]

yourself and your family are in my prayers

 

[imoss]

wonders howsitgoing??

 

[nessalee]

I am so sorry to hear the pain of a seperation. I will pray for both of you to get through such a painful time in your life. Sadly I also have been in this exact situation, but on the wife side. The porn can be so degrading and belittling to a woman that it is so hard to get past. I wasn't strong enough and I found it was easier to be happy and feel great about myself without being with him. Whatever she decides to do try and support it, because if you love her you want her to be happy.

 

[nessalee]

Her heart isn't hardened it is just hurt and broken. I will pray for you both.

 

[CAMAIN]

Well, a little update i think is in order. My wife moved out November 10th. On November 27. I found out she had been having an affair confirmed since October, and more likely it had been going on for a while before. The guy she had an affair with is 50 yr old Janitor, that does drugs, smokes, drinks, and has already broken up 2 other marriages. He is big time into using woman, sexually manipulating, then when he is bored dumping them. I first found out about the affair from his X-fiance, that he dumped and threw out of the house to have the affair with my wife. she left her 4 kids for him, and had been with him for over 2 yrs. i started talking to her, and was horrified to find out what he had manipulated her into doing. I was devastated, and she was devasted, we were both just so destroyed we comforted each other and and I made a mistake. 3 weeks later, I found out she had been in continoous contact with the guy, and was actually being manipulated to do stuff with me. It was hard. I took the evidence to my wife and admitted the relationship, she didn't care. she was upset that her boyfriend had been talking to his fiance, and that she was "messing" with his head, even though I showed her how he had listened to me be with the woman, and had called the fiance, to have her listen to him be with to them. The whole entire situation is so completely messed up its unbelievable. I am at the point where I just dont want her back anymore. I still love her, and don't think I can stop, but the betrayal and lies, and everything that she did i just can't get passed. My marriage is over, and I am spending time reading the bible, talking to a great christian woman that lifts up my spirits, that lives half way around the world, and really am just looking to get over it. I am sad that my marriage is over, I tried for 6 months, to try and save it, to protect her, even after I found out about the affair, but she went back to the guy right after he called me, and told me some inappropriate stuff. I just don't want it anymore. I am tired of being beat down by her, and this entire situation. i feel I dont deserve to be treated the way I have been treated, including having the affair thrown in my face several times, and her talking about dating other guys. She filed for divorce on my birthday. I can't do it anymore. I tried, and tried, but I can't. I want a good woman that will treat me with love and respect. That will care for my heart. That lifts me up, and cares how I feel. May God bless me with a good woman that won't cheat. I hope he brings her to me soon. My divorce will be final in March. I am not fighting it.

On other news. I have kept away from porn for the last 4 months. I have completely changed the way i was. I dont watch tv, play games, and stay completely plugged into my kids, and when available talking to good christian people. I would like to ask for prayer that God protects my kids through all this, gives me healing, and shows me what his will may be. I also need my heart to soften so that one day I can forgive my wifes betrayal, and destruction of my family. I also ask for continued prayer to keep my addictions away, and help with maintaining my course to read through the bible this year.

Thank you all for your help and support, even the non constructive. I have read through this, and used it to try and help me. May Gods will be done. Love you all and be blessed.

Chris