I guess this is going to be a very difficult post for me to write. I am a divorced single man that still has a heart towards my ex-wife. The divorce was filed by her, and it was biblical in that she is the one that committed adultery. We have two children together, they are the ages of fifteen and seven. Her affair occurred back in 2007, and she became pregnant due to the outside relationship. Yes she left the home, and began living with this man. This nightmare started and no end in sight. When she left, she left our ten year old with me to parent full time. I have prayed for her through the hurt, the loneliness, and the confusion. I am not going into full detail but her situation has deteriorated financially, emotionally, and spiritually since all of this has happened. I am wrecked financially as I had to give my career in order to single parent. So I have been living off of low paying jobs, and watching it cause my children and myself to suffer. Is there an end to this? Is God in control and if He is why am I left to live in a manner that I am. My house is in foreclosure now, no job, and no hope of finding another home to rent. So how can I find God's will in all of this??? Praying about it has not been helpful to me at all.
There is a pain that comes with loss that's like no other kind of pain in the world, and coupled with betrayal, as Jesus felt, for all his kindness, is an agonizing experience. I believe he too felt what you feel. There is a pearl of wisdom of his, that tells us 'do unto others as you would have done onto you'. Think about that for a moment.
What do you do unto yourself? Is there guilt in you? Do you berate yourself for your mistakes? Do you wonder why she left? 'Was it my fault?'
I understand what this feels like, it's anguish to feel that someone doesn't care about us, someone we love, someone we trust. And to feel replaced is so much greater an agony.
But start with this; the past is something you cannot change. That is a truth we all have to face. The past is already gone. There is no way to change it. There is nothing that comes from the berating yourself and nothing that comes from the guilt tripping yourself over the past. There is nothing that comes from the past-focused hope that says 'I wish it had been different'. And this may seem cold, but I am trying to illustrate how a massive, more-than-you-realize proportion of the pain you feel is because of your own treatment of yourself and your own expectation, particularly about things that have already passed and cannot be changed.
So that's a place to start. Goad yourself away from the past. Realize that you are hurting yourself every single day when you focus on the past. And know that you, yourself, deserve your own compassion as much as anyone else, particularly now. Would you berate your child for the past the same way you are berating yourself? Would you instill in your ten year old, the same doubts that you feel? Would you say to the child 'you should have done differently!' I don't think you would. So why do you show outward compassion like that for your child and yet don't feel you deserve to give it to yourself?
It is not self-indulgence to give yourself room to breathe and to be compassionate towards yourself. Self indulgence would be giving yourself whatever you want, whenever you want. Which is exactly what focusing on the past is; self-indulgence with a poisonous dart, it is self-harm. Why harm your own mind? Why poison your conscience? All things are your choice but why not make the best one in the moment?
Learn to let go of the past.
Condemning judgement of yourself is of no value here. When you judge yourself, remember there are millions of people who also have your 'flaws'. We are ALL imperfect, and every single one of us suffers greatly my friend. We are all connected in this way. We share a common human condition that sees us suffer, and make bad decisions, and cause the suffering of others, and all of us do each of these things. Remember that the world is not staring at you in condemnation and judgement, they are staring at themselves in the same manner in which you are right now.
Break free of that judgement. Know that everybody suffers and causes suffering. And buck the trend. We are all wounded inside and all cause wounds, and the way to break free of all is to realize this and to be the change that heals wounds, both inside oneself and outside oneself.
Don't rationalize your pain because the more you rationalize it and suppress it, the more anguish it causes, like an inner struggle. Don't have any expectations on your pain, or on the past pain, but just realize it in its fullness; it hurts, doesn't it? This isn't about making it disappear with judgement on it, or to repress it, this is a time just to experience it and to be compassionate with it.
To treat it as though you would if it were your child feeling this anguish.
This is not about 'self-esteem'. Self esteem is confidence and assertiveness and very much a facade that can fade at any moment. Self compassion is something that can change your whole life, in any situation, because it gets you right at the center of how you feel.
Learn to know yourself in this way.
Realise that you and I, and others, are not so different. We make mistakes and we make choices that often we can't change, do things and have expectations and preconceptions and assumptions that cause massive confusion both socially and inside ourselves. Learn to accept yourself. You've done nothing that isn't human.
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