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Thread: Dating and Marrying a Divorced Man...

  1. #1
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    Default Dating and Marrying a Divorced Man...

    Or rather, a soon-to-be divorced man (he did introduce himself as divorced, though).

    I'm a born again Christian.

    I met this guy online. He seems nice; of course I have a lot of work to do as far as getting to know him better, which is always the case with online dating.

    While he says he does not use the term "born again," he does seem to have the same beliefs I do; so I suppose the issue is with the term itself or something else. Like me, he is seeking to form a relationship founded on Christ.

    Now, to my question. He is in the process of getting a divorce. I brought it up in our very first conversation, and he was kind enough to explain that he married young and believes he made a mistake in focusing too much on that charm that the Bible tells us quickly fades. He did seem to imply that there was infidelity, and said there was desertion, but when I prodded he requested that I allow more time for the details of this to come out - which is totally understandable. From what he says, there are no children involved, which to me is a relief (and perhaps a selfish one).

    My question is, as a Christian woman, how should I proceed? First of all, he is still married, as far as I'm - and the law is, and probably the Bible is - concerned. He is not in a hurry to begin a new relationship, or even to get married, and I totally understand this. However, what would be the way forward if we did get into a relationship? What if the infidelity was on his end?

    I know God forgives divorce, but wouldn't continuing to talk to this man before his divorce is final be the same as presumptuous sin, i.e. knowing he is still married but also deciding that God will forgive him - and me - after his divorce is final? Not sure if you get what I mean... like going to a store and planning to shoplift knowing it's wrong, but doing it anyway because God says He forgives our sins. Psalm 19:13. Or is it as good as done now that they have started the process and he insists there is no possibility of reconciliation (a story I have heard SO many times before - and one that rarely ends happily)?

    Should I just run now, per Prov 27:12? Suppose there was no infidelity (and I suspect there was), is it his lot to remain single for life, now that his first marriage is over? How do I extend grace to this man? From what I see so far, he seems genuine, seems to have a heart for God, seems as well to be dealing with a lot. How do I guard my heart? What questions do I need to ask to proceed?

    I thank you for taking the time to read and respond to this. God bless you!

    PS: I deliberately posted this in the family forum, hope that's alright

  2. #2
    Senior Member MissCris's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dating and Marrying a Divorced Man...

    You yourself have already pointed out the biggest issue with dating this man- he is still married, regardless of whether he intends to stay that way or not, he's married. He has no business considering a second relationship right now, and you have no business going into a relationship with him. You mentioned that you both want a relationship that is founded on God, but this isn't it. I honestly think you should stop the whole thing right now. You don't want to be involved with a married man who may or may not have been the one doing the cheating within his marriage, and you don't want to end up being his rebound woman.

    I say run. Don't help him be unfaithful.

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    Default Re: Dating and Marrying a Divorced Man...

    Hi Kipusa
    I believe the bible is pretty clear that marriage is for life and the only exception where someone may divorce and potentially remarry is in the case of infidelity. That would mean that the person cheated on could in fact remarry but the person who cheated could not. As the scriptures below state:

    Matthew 5:32
    But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.

    Matthew 19:9
    I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.

    I would caution you in forming any romantic relationship with someone who is not yet divorced and who you are not yet clear on the reasons behind the marriage ending. Further to this, I do believe that he may need quite some time for emotional healing and potential counselling before he would be ready for another relationship anyway.

    My advice: Yes, be friends and leave any romantic notions behind for now. Especially since there is a LOT more yet to find out about him.

    I hope that helps a little. God bless
    Be wise with your words, once said they can only be forgiven, not forgotton.

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    Senior Member respekt's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dating and Marrying a Divorced Man...

    I'd rather be single for forever than marrying a divorced-man
    But God can be funny at a cocktail party when listening to a good God-themed joke, or when the crazies say He hates us and they get so red in the head you think they're 'bout to choke. God can be funny when told he'll give you money if you just pray the right way and when presented like a genie who does magic like Houdini or grants wishes like Jiminy Cricket and Santa Claus. God can be so hilarious. Ha ha Ha ha

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    Default Re: Dating and Marrying a Divorced Man...

    Honey, trust me… TRUST ME, run. Run far and run fast. PM me and I'll tell you my story. Run. Please, please run.
    rachelsedge and Miss like this.
    Why don't we ever take my car?
    My car has bullet proof vests in the trunk. That's why we take my car.
    Oh. Why didn't you just say so?

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    Senior Member tenderhearted's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dating and Marrying a Divorced Man...

    Like someone already said, this man is still married and should not be considering a relationship with another person. Frankly, if this man can't take his marriage vows seriously, then what makes you think he will take you seriously. Many people try to justify a divorce by saying that they were young when they married, but God wasn't thinking that when they made their vows to each other. The bible says that a man should stick with the wife of his youth. It clearly states that God hates divorce. It would be in the best interest of this man if he works it out with his wife. If he truly is a man of God like he states he is, then he would know that God can heal any marriage. Obviously there are exceptions like where a person is getting abused and their safety is being jeopardized. But I have seen marriages where there was infidelity and God healed their marriage. If someone says there is no reconciliation what they are saying is that they don't understand God's grace and forgiveness. It would be in your best interest to stay away from this man. This man has a lot of drama in his life right now and this is not a healthy way to start a relationship with someone. When he does get his divorce he still needs time to heal. A covenant is not easily broken. Christians pray to God for signs about whether or not someone is the one, but in this case the signs are pretty clear.
    akekot likes this.

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    Default Re: Dating and Marrying a Divorced Man...

    Quote Originally Posted by kipusa12 View Post
    Or rather, a soon-to-be divorced man (he did introduce himself as divorced, though).
    That's enough right there. It sounds like you are having an (emotional) affair with a married man who initially deceived you.


    Now, to my question. He is in the process of getting a divorce. I brought it up in our very first conversation, and he was kind enough to explain that he married young and believes he made a mistake in focusing too much on that charm that the Bible tells us quickly fades. He did seem to imply that there was infidelity, and said there was desertion, but when I prodded he requested that I allow more time for the details of this to come out - which is totally understandable. From what he says, there are no children involved, which to me is a relief (and perhaps a selfish one).
    He that divorces his wife and marries another, except it be for fornication, commits adultery.

    People interpret the 'exception clause' differently. One view is that it refers to a man who finds out his bride is not a virgin and only that. Others interpret it to include adultery and sexual sin. The exception clause is not in this teaching as it appears in the other Gospels.

    My question is, even if she cheated on him, and even if you hold that is grounds for divorce, why would you date him? Why marry a man who messed up in the area of marriage? If he has a problem picking a good wife or has a problem holding a marriage together, you won't know the details until it's too late. He introduced himself as divorced, but he's married. So why would he tell the truth about adultery and abandonment. If he told you he was divorced to have a chance with you, even though it wasn't true, what's to keep him from telling you there was adultery so he could have a chance with you?

    Also, you could easily be destroying his chances for reconciliation. Even after a divorce, there is a possibility for reconciliation. But that becomes less likely if he thinks he has another prospect and starts dumping in emotional energy.

    Why not have some standards? "Never been married" is a reasonable standard to have. Either that or a widower who showed evidence that he has what it takes to be faithful 'till death do us part.' There are lots of men who have never married out there.

    My question is, as a Christian woman, how should I proceed? First of all, he is still married, as far as I'm - and the law is, and probably the Bible is - concerned. He is not in a hurry to begin a new relationship, or even to get married, and I totally understand this. However, what would be the way forward if we did get into a relationship? What if the infidelity was on his end?
    My advice is don't coveting another woman's husband. Cut this off now. If you are dating online, there are a million men to choose from. From the perspective of finding a husband, why waste time chatting with a married man?

    I know God forgives divorce, but wouldn't continuing to talk to this man before his divorce is final be the same as presumptuous sin, i.e. knowing he is still married but also deciding that God will forgive him - and me - after his divorce is final? Not sure if you get what I mean... like going to a store and planning to shoplift knowing it's wrong, but doing it anyway because God says He forgives our sins. Psalm 19:13. Or is it as good as done now that they have started the process and he insists there is no possibility of reconciliation (a story I have heard SO many times before - and one that rarely ends happily)?
    I don't even think you need to think too deeply about these issues for this situation. He's married. End of story.

    Should I just run now, per Prov 27:12?
    Yes. Run now.

    Suppose there was no infidelity (and I suspect there was), is it his lot to remain single for life, now that his first marriage is over? How do I extend grace to this man? From what I see so far, he seems genuine, seems to have a heart for God, seems as well to be dealing with a lot. How do I guard my heart? What questions do I need to ask to proceed?
    Maybe there is some men's group you could refer him to. You can pray for him. I don't think a woman he is attracted to, a potential love interest, is the best person to offer him counseling through his rocky marriage. Lot's of people say the marriage is over to get another girlfriend/boyfriend. You could encourage him to pray about trying to reconcile.

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    Default Re: Dating and Marrying a Divorced Man...

    Thank you all for your responses. I'm at work and cannot respond extensively, but perhaps I should add a few things. I have known him less than a week. "Introduced himself as divorced" ie his online profile said divorced; there's no option on the site for "separated". He also mentioned trying to work it out and her reluctance to cooperate. She is not a Christian. He is also not looking to date right now, but does want to make Christian friends. I'm not under the impresson that I'm the only female friend he has or that we will definitely date or get married. I am aware that there is always the possibility of reconciliation with his wife before or even after the divorce is final (I am and would be all for that). Not trying to make excuses, just trying to add some more detail and of course this is not in any attempt to justify sin.

  9. #9
    Senior Member MissCris's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dating and Marrying a Divorced Man...

    Giving us more details about the situation doesn't make this guy any less married though, does it?

    I don't mean to be harsh about this, it's just that I see it as a very black-and-white deal: He is married, he is struggling in his marriage and likely to be divorced (although possibly not), and he ought not to be putting himself "out there" in any way, shape, or form right now. I don't think you should even try to be his friend; when someone is having marriage problems, it is so very easy for them to start unloading on a "friend" of the opposite gender, and often that confuses both parties and can lead to places it may never have been intended to go. But once it goes beyond purely platonic friendship, it's awfully hard to go back.

    I truly believe you should just cut ties with him and go about your merry way- pray for him, by all means, but don't "be there for him" as a shoulder to cry on, don't try to help him or support him through this. He's a big boy and if he needs someone to talk to about this, I imagine he has friends or family he can turn to.

    Also, you said that you are all for he and his wife staying together...if that's true, then get clear away from him and don't let your friendship (or the possibility of anything more than friendship) be a hindrance to that.
    santuzza, lockedrob and tat2ed like this.





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    Senior Member santuzza's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dating and Marrying a Divorced Man...

    Run. Run now. Run as fast as you can.

    Why would you even want to get mixed up in this mess?

    I repeat: Run. Run now. Run as fast as you can.
    kim12345 likes this.

  11. #11
    djness
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    Default Re: Dating and Marrying a Divorced Man...

    Singing: Run to the hills! Run for your lives!!
    phil36, rachelsedge and kim12345 like this.

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    Default Re: Dating and Marrying a Divorced Man...

    Quote Originally Posted by djness View Post
    Singing: Run to the hills! Run for your lives!!
    ROFL! Thank you all for your responses. I guess Run for the Hills it is!

    MissCris, I couldn't help but crack up at the contrast between your responses and your signature. Perhaps it is because I am in this situation that I feel you could have added a little more grace to your advice. I do thank you for taking the time to share it, though.

    Thank you all - God bless you all.

  13. #13
    Senior Member MissCris's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dating and Marrying a Divorced Man...

    ...that WAS the nice version

    I do apologize if I was a bit cold in my response.





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    Default Re: Dating and Marrying a Divorced Man...

    I say run. But it seems like you are getting that same advice from everyone so far...
    Last edited by Bridget_Left_China; August 9th, 2013 at 02:23 PM.
    "A house and wealth are inherited from fathers, but a sensible wife is from the Lord." Proverbs 19:14



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    Default Re: Dating and Marrying a Divorced Man...

    First thing--- he introduced himself as divorced but is still married--- HE LIED!!!!!!!!!! You cant have a relationship with man that lies unless you want to Hurt herself! RUN GIRL RUN as fast as you can from this man.
    You want a Good Godly man , ....You are Worth it



    Quote Originally Posted by kipusa12 View Post
    Or rather, a soon-to-be divorced man (he did introduce himself as divorced, though).

    I'm a born again Christian.

    I met this guy online. He seems nice; of course I have a lot of work to do as far as getting to know him better, which is always the case with online dating.

    While he says he does not use the term "born again," he does seem to have the same beliefs I do; so I suppose the issue is with the term itself or something else. Like me, he is seeking to form a relationship founded on Christ.

    Now, to my question. He is in the process of getting a divorce. I brought it up in our very first conversation, and he was kind enough to explain that he married young and believes he made a mistake in focusing too much on that charm that the Bible tells us quickly fades. He did seem to imply that there was infidelity, and said there was desertion, but when I prodded he requested that I allow more time for the details of this to come out - which is totally understandable. From what he says, there are no children involved, which to me is a relief (and perhaps a selfish one).

    My question is, as a Christian woman, how should I proceed? First of all, he is still married, as far as I'm - and the law is, and probably the Bible is - concerned. He is not in a hurry to begin a new relationship, or even to get married, and I totally understand this. However, what would be the way forward if we did get into a relationship? What if the infidelity was on his end?

    I know God forgives divorce, but wouldn't continuing to talk to this man before his divorce is final be the same as presumptuous sin, i.e. knowing he is still married but also deciding that God will forgive him - and me - after his divorce is final? Not sure if you get what I mean... like going to a store and planning to shoplift knowing it's wrong, but doing it anyway because God says He forgives our sins. Psalm 19:13. Or is it as good as done now that they have started the process and he insists there is no possibility of reconciliation (a story I have heard SO many times before - and one that rarely ends happily)?

    Should I just run now, per Prov 27:12? Suppose there was no infidelity (and I suspect there was), is it his lot to remain single for life, now that his first marriage is over? How do I extend grace to this man? From what I see so far, he seems genuine, seems to have a heart for God, seems as well to be dealing with a lot. How do I guard my heart? What questions do I need to ask to proceed?

    I thank you for taking the time to read and respond to this. God bless you!

    PS: I deliberately posted this in the family forum, hope that's alright

  16. #16
    AngelCakes
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    Default Re: Dating and Marrying a Divorced Man...

    don't do it
    just don't

  17. #17
    Senior Member sandtigeress's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dating and Marrying a Divorced Man...

    run !

    Sorry but that man is not on the market at the moment.
    He ought to concentrate on his current marriage.

    And you should not see him as a potential future parter,
    but as a married man, that belongs to another women.

  18. #18
    Cino
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    Default Re: Dating and Marrying a Divorced Man...

    Quote Originally Posted by kipusa12 View Post
    Or rather, a soon-to-be divorced man (he did introduce himself as divorced, though).

    I'm a born again Christian.

    I met this guy online. He seems nice; of course I have a lot of work to do as far as getting to know him better, which is always the case with online dating.

    While he says he does not use the term "born again," he does seem to have the same beliefs I do; so I suppose the issue is with the term itself or something else. Like me, he is seeking to form a relationship founded on Christ.

    Now, to my question. He is in the process of getting a divorce. I brought it up in our very first conversation, and he was kind enough to explain that he married young and believes he made a mistake in focusing too much on that charm that the Bible tells us quickly fades. He did seem to imply that there was infidelity, and said there was desertion, but when I prodded he requested that I allow more time for the details of this to come out - which is totally understandable. From what he says, there are no children involved, which to me is a relief (and perhaps a selfish one).

    My question is, as a Christian woman, how should I proceed? First of all, he is still married, as far as I'm - and the law is, and probably the Bible is - concerned. He is not in a hurry to begin a new relationship, or even to get married, and I totally understand this. However, what would be the way forward if we did get into a relationship? What if the infidelity was on his end?

    I know God forgives divorce, but wouldn't continuing to talk to this man before his divorce is final be the same as presumptuous sin, i.e. knowing he is still married but also deciding that God will forgive him - and me - after his divorce is final? Not sure if you get what I mean... like going to a store and planning to shoplift knowing it's wrong, but doing it anyway because God says He forgives our sins. Psalm 19:13. Or is it as good as done now that they have started the process and he insists there is no possibility of reconciliation (a story I have heard SO many times before - and one that rarely ends happily)?

    Should I just run now, per Prov 27:12? Suppose there was no infidelity (and I suspect there was), is it his lot to remain single for life, now that his first marriage is over? How do I extend grace to this man? From what I see so far, he seems genuine, seems to have a heart for God, seems as well to be dealing with a lot. How do I guard my heart? What questions do I need to ask to proceed?

    I thank you for taking the time to read and respond to this. God bless you!

    PS: I deliberately posted this in the family forum, hope that's alright
    I'm not going to comment on everything in your post, but I am sorry, and don't mean to offend you, but if you are a Christian, what are you doing dating online and what are you doing with a married man? If this man is a believer, he himself should not be on dating line, nor should he even be dating you. This is wrong. That is your very first mistake. Secondly, the Bible clearly states that he who is divorced and gets married not only commits adultery himself, but causes the woman to commit adultery as well. Stay away. Surely you could find a good clean Christian unmarried or undivorced man????

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